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1,259 Public Reviews Given
1,287 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
IMPORTANT: I am no longer taking review requests for gift points, as I have no need for gift points. If you want a review from me, you must either agree to swap reviews, or review something of mine first. I prefer swapping entire novels to chapter-by-chapter or short stories. Please note that I also take Saturdays off, and I'm often busy on Friday. If I don't get back to you it's likely because of that.
I'm good at...
Being me, first and foremost. So I'm probably going to be friendly and open, at least. I like to spot little typos and sentences that sound odd. I love removing extra words to keep the story tight, but please be aware that I'm extremely difficult to please and know good and inexperienced writing at a glance.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy (both high and dark) is my most favourite followed by Action/adventure, and lastly Young Adult. I don't really like Sci-fi but I'll read it if asked or if I'm just plain bored.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, severe violence, horror, and I'm not big on vampires, but I might read it. That about sums it up.
Favorite Item Types
Novels! I like a good, long read to keep me busy for several days if possible. I also enjoy a good short story now and then.
Least Favorite Item Types
Not a real fan of poetry. I can't tell the difference between one type of poetry and another. If you're doing basic rhyme and rhythm I can find both of those, but... just no...
I will not review...
Biography, blogs... horror... zombies... LGBT... erotica... romance in general but if your book has a romantic SUB plot I can deal with it. I'm also not too keen on anything apocalyptic so please... don't ask. I will not read out-of-sequence chapters. Otherwise I would have to dislike your writing style, which isn't likely.
Public Reviews
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: This is a symbolic and beautiful piece. He seems to have changed, and yet he's not really in himself any longer. I don't have the word to describe it right now, as I usually don't when I'm trying to think of something, but I did find this a moving and unique story.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The notes and the violin were all painting a vivid picture in my imagination as I read it. I liked that because it gave me a fairly good image of what was going on. However I'm not sure what the shop looked like, but where he was focused seemed to be all that mattered.


*Moon* Suggestions: I couldn't help but notice some typos, or maybe they were unintentional who knows, that I thought I might point out for you since I have no other suggestions as of now.

One of oldest violin in the shop...

Should be 'violins', I think.

“Thank You...

I don't think the 'y' should be caps locked.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Interesting, spell-binding one could say. I'm not really familiar with the symbolism, but I did enjoy reading it well enough. Good job on that. A good read with no strings attached to it. Hehe. That's all.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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227
227
Review of Xavier's Changing  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: An interesting subject to be sure. Decent descriptions and an okay way to start this piece as well. Because of what Xavier is going through the reader can sympathize with him as a person. He's geeky, nerdy, and he's sick and tired of it!


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Xavier seems like a real enough person to me, although if I'd had all that happen to me I'd be both freaked out and wishing I'd be back to normal. That's just me, and I guess for Xavier is was kind of a blessing in disguise. As for his friend, well if I were him I'd have believed in the long run, but I would be scared of him instead of happy to go on as if nothing happened.


*Moon* Suggestions: I noticed some repetetive words in this piece. Well, maybe not SOME as opposed to MANY. You need to use various words to describe one thing rather than repeating it over and over again. I'm not saying your descriptions are bad, but the repetition did get annoying after a time. That can be easily fixed though. Otherwise I noticed some typos, as per usual for any piece.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not too bad overall. I'm not quite sure where this is going and it ends quite suddenly, but I guess that's for the better. I enjoyed it to some degree, but it doesn't end satisfactorily. It leaves the reader on a bit of a cliff hanger. Anyway, that's all for now.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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228
228
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: So Ethan really did ask Kaitlin to the dance after she typed it into the typewriter. However now she's faced by a new problem of what to wear. Also, her friend Jason seemed upset that Ethan asked her out, or at least very disappointed. I guess he wanted to ask her out instead. I can tell that this might not end real well just by how it's going so far.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Kaitlin's thoughts through this helped us understand how she felt at the moment. She also didn't notice Jason wanted to ask her to the dance. As for Hannah, we haven't even heard of her reaction just yet. There's going to be a lot of trouble over this later, but it should be interesting.


*Moon* Suggestions: I'm not too keen on the use of internet slang in everyday thoughts and conversation. Maybe that's the way people think nowadays, but even when I play games online I try to keep such things to an absolute minimum. This is, of course, just my opinion so you don't absolutely have to change it if you don't want to.

Kaitlin's thoughts through the conversation were helpful, but I wish we could have 'seen' more of what she was behaving like. A nervous smile, or fidgeting might have been helpful in that regard.

Some repeated words trouble in areas. Just thought you might want to do something about it.


*Butterflyb* Overall: A decent chapter that starts to move the plot forward. It's not bad so don't be discouraged by my criticism. I'm just trying to help. Kaitlin's mom seems alternately mean, or selfish, as well as feeling and nice. I'm uncertain how to react to her as of yet, but it is irritating that she never gives Kaitlin anything. I guess Kaitlin's next wish will be for either the money to buy a new dress, or a new dress right off the bat. I'll find that out soon, I hope.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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229
229
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Kaitlin has a crush at school, and a best friend. Seems to be some nice interaction with her friend as well as some description about school and what happens in and around it. Kaitlin also does the dreaded thing. She's using the typewriter to affect someone else. Maybe it doesn't seem like much now, but as soon as she did it I felt certain it wouldn't end well. Change one thing and it changes everything else, too.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Kaitlin shows that she's a very real person by using the typewriter for her own desires. It seems life has been very cruel to her and it is only natural to want what you can't have. I found myself thinking: "Don't do it Kaitlin. It can't end well." So, good job on that.


*Moon* Suggestions: I notice nobody at school consoled her for her grandmother's death. Did she even tell anyone? She's also perked up quickly enough. Maybe too quickly. You might want to add that somewhere in here. Otherwise it looks like you've forgotten it. Also, a touch more description on her school might be nice, but just don't put too much. Try to spread it out over the chapters, considering she's going to be at school often enough you should have plenty of time.


*Butterflyb* Overall: It's going somewhere, but not too fast yet. I'm actually kind of dreading to find out what happens as a result of her using the typewriter, or if she'll realize what is good about it and bad. Asking for a burger and fries is one thing, asking for someone to take you to the dance is quite another. It affects his life, and Hannah's inevitably. I doubt Hannah would be happy if she learned what happened. Wouldn't she be angry, and jealous, of Kaitlin? Who knows...


Keep writing!

~Tam

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230
Review of The Ice Bunny  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: A nice, clean start to a cute little story. A girl, how old is never specified, and her plushy bunny. Her partner, and a 'killer'? I'm not sure about every detail, but the story has some charm.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: The cursed plush bunny with icy eyes. That's kind of cute, and creepy at the same time. If that's what you meant you did a nice job of it. Also, the girl is nice, but no names are mentioned so I haven't anything to call her. Or else I missed something *sighs*, I am tired.


*Moon* Suggestions: I couldn't help but notice that after the first few paragraphs things became much less clear, as though someone spoke to you through parts of it or you were trying to describe a feeling and not really getting there. The conversation between the girl and the bunny is downright confusing at times because the two characters talk so similarly. It might help to have one or two more dialogue tags and make sure their words are in different paragraphs.


*Butterflyb* Overall: An adorable, yet creepy little story. Overall it's not bad, but it could use some polishing before it's really good. I liked the concept, and although it was fairly short I found it interesting. I hope she reformed the bunny, and that he got his form back but there's no indication of this. Anyway. I did like it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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231
Review of The book  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I know very little of poetry, but this had a nice rhythm and flow to it as far as I can tell. A captivating start enough for me to stay and read the whole thing instead of hitting the back button or going back to my portfolio as I do when I'm bored. So that's a good bonus for you.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Books have always been my favourite pastime. You seem to have captured it's essence in this cute little poem. I liked it, and that's saying a lot when it comes to poetry.


*Moon* Suggestions: Seemed as though it was almost cut short in the end.

I slowly crossed the room
And bent down just to see
I asked the book its secrets
And it began to talk to me

This last line... it's like having a smooth paved road until this point where we hit a really bad bump. Could be something to the effect of 'and it talked to me' instead. Sounds smoother to me. As I said, though, I know nothing of poetry.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Seemed good overall. Got flow, rhyme and a definite point. Not too vague for me to be wondering what in the world you were talking about. I'm no poetry expert though, but I'm hoping this helps you somehow.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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232
232
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Kaitlin is grieving her grandmother's death, an off screen character we've never met, and the feeling is strong enough for us to sense it just through reading it. It seems that Kaitlin is living an unpleasant life with her mother and stepfather. They don't seem to care much about Kaitlin, but instead about money and glamorous living. Their opinion of the grandmother is upsetting, and even angering. I'm surprised Kaitlin doesn't shout at them for their insensitive behaviour.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: Through the letter left with the old typewriter we can tell the grandmother was a caring person with a beautiful heart. She wants to help Kaitlin without making life too simple for her, and I don't know if I can trust Kaitlin with it yet. She's grieved, and she's in a very difficult position. Then she is given something that can answer all her prayers and make her dreams come true. But at what cost? I hope she makes the right choice.


*Moon* Suggestions: Seems like a decent opening with enough impact to make us at least somewhat curious. It might need a bit more of a hook in the beginning, but that might just be my opinion so you can do what you see fit. More or less there seems to be vague plot, but nothing strong at this point. All I know is someone wants this typewriter and has killed to get at it, and will undoubtedly kill again. This is good (not that this person has killed mind you), it's a good plot point.

Kaitlin stayed at home in her family’s two bedroom mobile home while her mother, stepfather and two aunts met with the lawyer.

I don't know why I don't really like this sentence. The double space between home and in aren't helping. Not to mention the repetition of the word home. It could be tweaked to flow better.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Sounds like a good start to something interesting, though just what I'm not sure yet. If she uses the typewriter, will the person who wants it find out? Couldn't Kaitlin write this person out of existence if she needed to? I'm curious enough to keep reading it, which is a good thing. Somehow I'm more interested to find out who it is that wants the typewriter so much than what Kaitlin will do with it.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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233
233
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: So Emily is trying to forget her dreams and concentrate on the mystery man in her imagination. In essence she's thinking of the same person from what I've read so far, but also abandoning him for what he is now. Kind of sad when I think about it. Also, it's her birthday coming up and her brother Josh is taking her somewhere nice. For this Jen dolls Emily up to look really beautiful. There's a lot going for this chapter because it brings out what Emily thinks of herself. She's very modest, and that's a good trait.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I suspected the whole time that this nameless man would come to Emily's rescue as soon as Justin became a bit too friendly. If it were me I'd never have followed him in the first place, but sought out one of my brothers to come with me. That's me, though, and this is Emily. She's sweet and innocent. I find there's a lot to like about her, and even the mysterious figure from her nightmares. I wonder what happened to him.


*Moon* Suggestions: I know you're trying to avoid the dreaded 'info dumping' but I thought there were a few lacking descriptions here as well. In some places it wasn't so bad, but I still have no clue what the club looks like even if I know what Justin's appearance is. This makes it seem as though the background is noisy and black rather than boisterous and full of life.

I also became aware of a few extra punctuation marks. For example a question mark promptly followed by a period. That shouldn't happen, it should be either one or the other. It's easy to do that since those two marks are right next to each other.

Plot wise you're doing okay. Just a touch rushed here, too. Info dumping is bad, I won't argue the point, but there has to be some description. When you walk into a room you notice a few things right away. The blast of noise, laughter, and the colourful getup the dancers are wearing, the unique dance moves they're doing... stuff like that. Not too much, but enough to give us a good idea of what we're looking at.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I actually did like this chapter, too. I still think you're in a bit of haste, but the story seems to be going somewhere definite and the characters are coming into greater focus for me. That man protecting Emily is a mystery that keeps me reading. You did a nice job on him. I do like it even if needs work, so don't give up! I'm curious to find out what happens next.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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234
234
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: It is only natural that Emily's parents are concerned with her behaviour of late. If I didn't know about those dreams, or nightmares or visions or whatever they really are, I would think she was acting very strangely indeed. On the other hand she also wants to keep it to herself even if it might not help. She's afraid she's going crazy. Understandable, I suppose. For her mysterious lover, it seems as though he had something very strange happen to him a long while back. So although now he is sinister and frightening, he was once beautiful and alluring. I'm curious as to know why this happened, and why it seems that Emily isn't affected by whatever has done that to him.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I actually did like this chapter a lot, though I think up to this point the story has been slightly rushed. This one chapter isn't too bad on that. Emily behaves like anyone would under such scrutiny and pressure, and the descriptions on the doctor's expressions are good ones. I can picture that in my mind. That's a good thing. I like the mystery that's going on here. Will Emily have to save him, or will he have to save her? I wonder what exactly is going on?


*Moon* Suggestions: As I noticed in the earlier chapters I have read, you use the literal number (like 2 for instance) instead of the word two. Remember that numbers should be used in letter form unless they're over 100. There's also no need to rush in these chapters, take the story at a relaxed pace and try not to jump from one thing to another. That will help with some clarity and not jerk the reader around. I need to know how Emily got from point A to point B.

Emily could see the image vividly in her mind. Suddenly she was sitting there on the beach.

This opening line for her vision I don't really like. It has no real substance to it, and gives me no idea whatsoever is going on other than 'she's suddenly sitting there on the beach'. Maybe she could find herself sitting on warm sand instead? Would give a more... visual approach to this line.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not bad. A touch rushed, as though you were anxious to get somewhere in a big hurry, but a decent chapter. I do wish there was some mention of this man's name, the one Emily loved and the one that still loves her. There's definite plot, but I wish I knew exactly how he got to be what he is. Not to mention what Emily has to do yet. You need to establish definite plot, a true, deep purpose for her to follow. Getting her memories back is a start. It almost seems as though she's led two different lives.

Anyway I do look forward to reading more, I've just been so busy I haven't had much time. Apologies that this is so late.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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235
235
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: An ordinary morning for Emily, and nine in the morning. She's going to an amusement park with her adopted brother Josh. They seem to get along really well, and have a good time at the park until they go to see the hypnotist. I don't know if the hypnotist had anything to do with the nameless dark man coming upon Emily's thoughts again, but it seems possible.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: That this 'dream' affects her in reality as well is a fascinating idea. I enjoy the thought that they're more than just a dream, and have a place in her real life. Though I can tell Emily doesn't enjoy it very much. If I were in her place I would be creeped out, too.


*Moon* Suggestions: There is no reason to state the obvious, remember this. Also, numbers below 100 should be written like 'nineteen' or 'twenty-three' instead of 19 and 23. I noticed a few typos as well, and I'll point some out for you. The plot is interesting so far, but I've no idea where it's going. There must be some reason why Emily has to help this dark person out, and she has to realize this eventually. Though not yet, it's still too soon. For typos now.

Emily at one time had been afraid that he would turn out like their biological father,

Emily and Josh aren't biological siblings are they? If not, 'their' should be replaced with 'his'.

Obviously, Josh had seen it too because the next thing she knew, she was being dragged by the arm into the large tent.

You shouldn't have to say 'obviously' here. Just a thought.


*Butterflyb* Overall: I liked it, but not as much as the first chapter. Except for her vision thing. That was good, and it makes me wonder if she's got a past she doesn't even remember. I doubt he'd make it up, he just doesn't seem like the type. I can tell he's greatly upset about her reaction towards him. It is sad, but I guess he shouldn't expect too much from her. He's kind of creepy in his own right even if I know he means well.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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236
236
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: I like this chapter better than the last one even if it is longer. Christy is an okay person overall, but she also gives me the impression of extreme arrogance. Also, it would appear there are still Insurgent people around that are too old to have been their children. An interesting plot twist to say the least.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: That there are more Insurgent people in their society that are too old to be the children of them is intriguing. I doubt they can really plot anything, or that there are enough of them around to do any serious harm. But we'll see about that in later chapters, I assume.


*Moon* Suggestions: The plot and telling of it has improved since the last chapter, though there are more errant periods in here. They seem to like coming in twos. This gets somewhat irritating as I read through it and doesn't really make sense in grammar. Mind you I'm not an expert in grammar by a long shot. If the sentence trails off... it should be done with three periods instead. I noticed a few typos but I'll only point out this one, you can probably find the rest anyway.

It's amazing how such a simple movement can my heart skip a beat.

The word 'make' is missing in here which in turn causes the sentence to make less sense. Missing words, or even the whole end of a sentence, is really easy to do when you're writing fast.


*Butterflyb* Overall: There's more explanation here in this chapter about what happened in history, but as I said be careful of info dumping on your readers. Info dumping is boring, and makes people lose attention quickly. Otherwise this isn't a bad chapter. There's starting to be some definite direction to it as a whole. I wonder where you intend to take this from here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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237
237
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Took me a while to figure out what was actually going on here because it starts a bit flat. Insurgent and Risen are two different factions, but Risen is in power and the only thing left of Insurgent is their children who are branded so everyone knows who they are. The main character is one of these Insurgent children. Seems like an interesting plot line so far.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: There's backstory: a good thing in this case. A failed attempt for Insurgent to be in power instead of Risen, so it seems that Risen's faction was always the greater one. I'm not entirely sure of everything at this point though, except that the main character is determined to get decent status despite his 'doubtful' heritage. The Insurgent girl in his class doesn't seem that concerned about her lineage though.


*Moon* Suggestions: This is the first chapter so it needs a strong opening. Rather than start the book with him waking up to go to school, you need to start it on a more enthusiastic note. Maybe you could add a prologue or something before it on the rebellion beforehand. This would give you the action you need, and you wouldn't need to change this as much. Less passive voice might help, as well. I noticed a few typos, such as a double period or a period and a comma together. The voice is moderately consistent, but as I said it needs more active voice to make the scenes really come to life.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not too bad on storyline, needs work as an opening chapter though. Try not to infodump, but let your characters put things together by either casual remark, or by making them think of something in relation to it. Or, like you've done some of in here, by studying for an exam. It has good potential as a novel if you give it some time and attention. Make sure you take care of those rogue punctuation marks, they're trying to overpopulate your work.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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238
238
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Star* First Impressions: Good start on this chapter. Starts with fear, mystery, and a problem for the main character. Emily has trouble sleeping because of this strange being that haunts her dreams. Otherwise she gets picked on at school and looks forward to getting out of there as soon as possible. At the end of the chapter we see the dark being is not sinister, but rather desperate. And he cares deeply about Emily.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: I like the curious way this dark being appears. There's a lot of mystery around him that I guess gets explained later. He cares about Emily, though he must know he's making her lose lots of sleep. Seems he just can't get away from her for long without needing to come right back again. If Emily knew he didn't want to hurt her I wonder if she would feel differently about him.


*Moon* Suggestions: There's some overuse of Emily's name. If you haven't brought another person up yet, then there's no reason to keep mentioning her name over and over again. It gets repetetive. Less use of the word was and had might be helpful, too.

The day went on as usual up until physics class. Emily had always been a straight A student in all classes except those with math involved. She understood words, history, and philosophy, but numbers never made sense to her. She found the theories of physics interesting, but the math was like Greek to her.

In this paragraph it feels like you're pounding the information that Emily is not good at math into our heads. It doesn't need to be mentioned twice in the same line, even for emphasis. I understood she didn't do well in math just as soon as you said numbers didn't make sense to her.


"That is quite enough!" He scolded. "Emily, are you alright?"

Emily grabbed her books and ran out of the room straight to the washroom and locked herself in one of the stalls.

I've never been to school before, but shouldn't Emily ask to be excused before she runs out like that?


*Butterflyb* Overall: Not bad. I thought it was a good read for the most part and it certainly makes me curious to find out what happens next. I doubt she'll realize that he means her no harm at first, and even if she found out she might be totally creeped out by him. Seems to be an interesting plot setup overall, though I am curious to see where it will go from here.


Keep writing!

~Tam

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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.


*Ghost* Plot: Allee saves a dying dragon (Or pyrogon) from certain death and flees with it to some other place. Otherwise there is no clear plot.


*Paw* Characters:

Allee is the main character at this point and she's going somewhere in a great hurry. She's spunky, but is hesitant to react in crisis's without due reason.

Extras, such as the men hunting the dragon, were not mentioned in great detail. I get the impression that they're cruel and think only of themselves. For the dragon, it seems to have some intelligence and seems to know that Allee saved its life.


*Compass* Grammar: Not many problems that I could find. I'm not an expert with grammar.


*Music1* style/voice: It is written in third person, which is okay. The story sounds as though it were well thought out, but from my perspective as a reader, I have no clue where this is going.


*Beach* Setting: Along the road, a grassy place near the woods I believe, where she meets this dragon creature. Everything is described with strict detail, which isn't overwhelming.


*Star* Overall: Good. I'm curious to see where this girl will end up and if the dragon survives. there's a good hook in the beginning, and the end leaves the reader curious to find out more.


*Writing* Line by line: Don't know how much I can help here. I'll do my best.

Enough to satisfy the demands of the kingdom tax collectors.

I think we can do without that word, tax collectors are tax collectors. Most people will guess that they come from the kingdom. You don't have to change this if you don't want to, though.


Her elbows dug into her sides and her hands reachinged outward, fingers splayed as if the act deadened the noise of her shifting body weight.

I think this reads slightly better.


She would laugh with him, but only for a bit until a little pinch of sadness replaced her smile again.

'A little' is a pair of words you might want to avoid.


That's all I could find right off, this is an interesting start to a story.



Keep writing!

~Neaira


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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

*Star* First Impressions: The hilarity continues as Harry arrives at the mall. Too bad there isn't one of him going home afterwards, who knows what kind of trouble he could get to?


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: "I stepped onto the Escalator which (By the way) is a moving staircase and as usual I got my sleeve Caught in the rail which is Why I came up here in the first place anyway to get a new shirt because it rips the sleeve right off." Most hilarious reason to go to the mall, and the most useless.

"Like a tugboat hitting a land mine we exploded apart. HOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Of course you know that a tugboat cannot hit a land mine, but that's what makes this so funny.

""Where are we?" Harry asked his black hair shining in the light and a guy in some neon shirt went by." Umm... they're in the mall, just maybe? *Laugh*

"Harry buys a Shirt and they find very helpful sales help that helps them buy more shelves of stuff before they leave like a beaver bringing sticks to its dam." The very helpful sales help... hahaha!



*Moon* Suggestions: As before, no suggestions for this terrible and hilarious short story.


*Butterflyb* Overall: It's so awful that it's funny. Harry is silly and Mary is just as bad. Together they could be catastrophic, but in an amusing sort of way.


Keep writing!

~Neaira


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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)

I'm not a professional writer. I'll try to give honest feedback and try to help with your writing. Remember, it is completely up to you whether you change anything or not.

*Star* First Impressions: This is really funny and deliberately terrible. I laughed when reading this. So many unnecessary descriptions and off subject remarks.


*Heart* My Favorite Elements: "Something retreated into the woods like a rat swimming through lemonade." This sounds so off that it sounds hilariously funny. But seriously, I can picture that in my mind...

"Ran towards the road hoping for a car to show up but I started thinking that a car was nowhere near coming to save me, that guy down the road owed me some money." I love the casual, offhanded way that Harry thinks of the guy down the road while his life is in potential danger. Hahaha *Laugh*


*Moon* Suggestions: None. This was made to be terrible and funny. It does that. It's great in a silly sort of way.


*Butterflyb* Overall: Terrible grammar, distracted character who introduces himself twice, and the flawed descriptions of objects... yeah, it's great, but in a terrible sort of way.

I'll rate this a 1.5 because you asked for it, but it is so funny it deserves good marks *Laugh*


Keep writing!

~Neaira


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Review of The War Academy  Open in new Window.
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Your characters certainly like to talk. You said any comments were welcome so I'll try to be helpful and ask helpful questions or point things out you might've missed. These are only my opinions you can do what you want with your story. With that said I'll get started.

I started to read this because I love fantasy and although the title didn't catch my interest the description sort of did. Most people don't do good enough descriptions in my opinion but I think yours is a good one.

The very fist paragraph sort of clanged on my ears when I read it. Slipping in mud certainly is a terrifying experience but I don't think the word 'flying' should have been applied there. Maybe something a little more down to earth (Just my opinion and I'm not a pro).

It also doesn't sound like Elm ran very far into the woods, and um.... is she a good guy or a bad guy...? In the beginning I figured I was reading about a good guy but at the end I thought "That's it she's a bad guy, I'm glad she got what was coming" but now that I reflect on it a little bit I'm not so sure. Some clarification on that please...

Another thing that bothered me. The ending! "The army reached them." I really, really think you could word that differently and get a better feel if you know what I mean.

I hope I helped you on your story in some way.

Judging by your username I'll also assume you read 'Eragon'. So have I. (O-kay that's off subject, hope you don't mind... I'm a dragon fan myself...)

I don't ask for reviews or anyone to read my stories but it WOULD be appreciated. Even if you don't, keep writing!

Neiara (Takingafterme)
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
For recently starting to be interested in writing I think you did a pretty good job actually. I read this because the title caught my attention first. So far though I see no reason for it to be called that. I'm not here to tell you about your title though so before I get carried away with that I'll focus on any little mistakes I noticed.
The words 'was' and 'had' are weak verbs and should be avoided as much as possible, no don't get rid of all of them, but at least as many as you can.

He was still weak, one did not sleep for a thousand years and not wake up unaffected.

In this line I think you should delete the word 'not'. This is just my opinion but I think it would sound better without that word. "Not wake up unaffected" sounds just a little confusing.

I could point out thousands of little mistakes all day (My brother tells me I can be a little overcritical sometimes) but I don't think it would do you too much good.

My overall impression is a good one, keep writing!

Neiara (Takingafterme).
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Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting story and vivid scenes, in my opinion the descriptions take over a lot of the story though, it gets distracting and after a while you start wanting to skip over parts and get to the point (Then again I might just be impatient).
Sorry I can't be any more helpful, just thought I'd point that out for you if it's any help.
Thanks for your time!
Neiara.
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245
Review by Antonia Ryder Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You seem to have a great imagination! Descriptions are pretty vivid but sometimes the way it's written confuses me.
I don't know if anyone has told you to not use the word 'was' so much, I used to do it too, just as long as you work a few of them out it will sound better.
I'm not a professional at writing, but I hope this helps some!
Keep writing!
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