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A modest journal. |
| My life's ups and downs... |
| Retirement is pleasant other than the aforementioned... It's nice being at home with my kitties, Gabriel and Ruby. My ex-husband moved in and is taking care of buying groceries for us. He is a Mexican immigrant, working menial jobs---currently as a stocker at a liquor store. He drives a 1992 Toyota Celica on its last legs. Prior to staying here with me, he lived out of his vehicle. Though he rents storage, his car is also used for storage with no room for a passenger. I know it sounds like woe is me. Sorry for that. Thankfully, since relinquishing my automobile, I am able to afford rent for my apartment. |
| Near the end of February 2026, after trying to find work to no avail, I made the decision to sell my vehicle and cancel car insurance in order to make ends meet. Presently, I have been without transportation for about four months. It now costs me about $60 to be transported to and from most locations. I've considered other means---such as an ebike or a golf cart, but both are currently unaffordable due to required down-payments. |
| On January 26, 2026, I worked my very last day, leaving after only a few hours due to a heated disagreement with the young attorney with whom I was working. I began working for his father on October 5, 2015. His dad was older and began declining mentally extremely fast after his wife had a major stroke in 2022. All lovely people; however, once the young attorney's dad began declining, his discontent with the profession became much stronger and more apparent. In April of 2025, I was told the doors would likely close June 14, 2025 (my birthday), which was disappointing but understandable. I found another part-time job close-by with a fickle female attorney. After about 2 weeks, on a day when my automobile battery went dead, she told me I wasn't working out as I sat waiting at the service department. I had been working part-time for the woman while continuing part-time for the younger male attorney. Continuing part-time at my original place of employment with the young male was unstable as he remained discontent even though we had plenty of work. It was a scary relief on January 26, 2026 when it all ended. |
| How many times can a single heart be broken and yet continue to beat? I went to a dinner party for my eldest grandson yesterday---the last time I will meet or join this group for a meal anywhere. I cannot continue to subject my self to this kind of abuse. My son-in-law disrespected and humiliated me in front of my grandsons, my daughter, his mother, step-dad, half-brother and niece. All of this was built on an unfounded assumption. God help me recover. The reason behind his outburst finally discovered today: My own daughter talking bad about me behind my back. This reminds me of something I wrote quite awhile ago:
I'm reminded of Jesus words: Depart from me, I never knew you ---- as I struggle to comprehend my daughter's behavior against me. |
| I've had a busy day! After a romance scam that lasted a year and a half, I filed for bankruptcy. My ignorance, vulnerability and naivete was profound. Previously, I had excellent credit. If possible, I would have repaid the debt. May all credibility be restored. Today, I worked with my attorney---preparing and filing 40 pages of bankruptcy schedules. I also uploaded required personal information. I move forward. Next up: attendance at a Meeting of Creditors---to be announced. Rent, internet and power bills are growing; so that after filing for Social Security, I hope to continue working full-time. Today, I cleared questions in order to move forward with Social Security and Medicare. I'll be 65 in June 2023. I also worked at my job all day. Thankfully, it was slow. With these "personal" issues in order, I breathe a happy-sigh of relief. |
| Within the last few days, I was reminded twice of The Story of Chicken Little. ------------------------------------ I was working in the office on a Friday---alone with a plan to clean. While cleaning, the phone rang. It was a girl in a panic. A closing was in progress and she needed to speak with one of the attorneys. I asked if I could give him a message. She explained our client had taken two A/C units from the property. I texted the attorney with the message and telephone number. About 15 minutes later, she called again... in greater panic. I jumped onboard. However, in my experience, realtors and closing agents are always in crisis-mode. So, I let her know, I had no power to force anyone to return her call..., said good-bye and hung up---reasoning, I did all I could. I then tried to call the attorney, while accessing my messages. He had seen my message and responded. He would return the call as soon as he could. I hung up. Adrenaline pumping, Chicken Little came to mind. ------------------------------------ On Saturday, I received a message from an overnight courier. Two personal packages were coming --- one Monday and the other Tuesday. Since I work 9-to-5, I requested a hold on the first package and arrangement for pickup. Their system would not allow it. However, I requested a hold on the second package, which was successful. I began to panic. What will I do? Will the first package be returned because I am not home for delivery? My experience with this particular courier service was not good. I called and, as expected, there was nothing they could do. I sent a contrary text to my boyfriend about my predicament. Today, I was Chicken Little. I then called the courier again to check protocol: They make three attempts; then hold the package at a local facility. If not picked up within a week, it is an automatic return to sender. Because of the shipper's request for delivery, there was nothing I could do but wait and pickup the package after the third delivery attempt. God help us refrain from letting situations draw us into panic, crisis-mode. Help us remain calm instead of reacting as if the end of the world is upon us... when it is not. One rendition of Chicken Little: https://youtu.be/BYIbRYaZoS4 |
| Reflections from a hurting heart... DOUBLE-MINDEDNESS There are facets to double-mindedness. “Double-mindedness” may be defined as “unsure, unconvinced, having mixed emotions, unsettled, unstable, wavering.” It may manifest as moodiness, distrust, unreliability, ups and downs, running to and fro, hither and tither, indecisive. Trust In God When your faith/trust in God wavers----you trust Him; then you don’t. Some are unsure they want to be a Christian. Trust In People Trust in people wavers----when perhaps their actions and/or words waver between kindness and loving, mocking and belittling; and you allow their behavior (or your perception of it) to throw you off course. You are impacted, effected negatively by what others do or say. You begin protecting yourself---walling off. Could this be linked to “people pleasing?” People often only see externally----our outward appearance. They don’t even really know us but think they do. So they judge by what they see and not by the Spirit of God. Admonishment Keep your eyes on Jesus! Ask Him to help you! Don’t look at or to men for comfort, safety, even friendship. Don’t look to the left or to the right; but (fix your eyes on) press into the mark of the high-calling in Christ Jesus. (See Hebrews 12:22; Philippians 3:14.) Always and routinely look up; look to Jesus----look up, for your salvation draweth nigh. (See Luke 21:28.) Finally, …judge not (others), lest ye be judged. (See Matthew 7:1-3.) Pray for me. Let's pray for one another. -------------------------------- Other scripture references: No man can serve two masters… (See Matthew 6:24.) …A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways. (See James 1:8.)  |
| Saturday, May 30, 2020: After a 24-hour congregational fast, last night I attended a church “fire meeting.” To be succinct, I was disappointed. The music started off-key and unsynchronized; there was an undercurrent of strife on the “stage,” with lack of preparation evident. I tried to work through it, overlook it, press on, but then my family started chatting on a group message about an urn for my recently deceased sister, for which I received consistent, disrupting notifications. So, after an hour, and what seemed to be a final contrived call to prophesy, I left. How can anyone truly prophesy in such a disjointed atmosphere? My vacation was noticed, but I left unhindered and determined to make the most of what remained of the evening. |
| I was at a prayer meeting, praying and walking around the church waving a beautiful flag (greens, blues, gold trim---leaves). A lady moved out of "the circle" and came sat in a chair to the right about three aisles back. She confronted me harshly----saying: Please don't wave that thing over me; it's distracting. It's not of God. What are you even praying? Not expecting to be lambasted at a prayer meeting---unbelievable, shaken, disturbed to the core---I responded, I do not receive that, attempting to let it go, praying and staying as far away from her as possible. Later she came toward me with arms open wide. I shook my head, No. Do not come near me and do not speak to me. She later gave a half-baked apology via e-mail. Because her apology merely diminished her misconduct, I told her it's best she not speak to me for awhile. My first mistake when the event happened: I was offended. Second mistake: I told another lady (albeit one of the elders) what had happened. Third: That night, I barely slept, and I carried this for the next three or four days. What helped me move forward: (1) Realizing my response was more important than the incident (from God's point of view). (2) Learning about echos of trauma from our past --- this lady obviously has big negative echos. (3) Realizing that from this particular incident two of us were hurt AND affected. I was planning to take a few piano lessons from her; after the attack, all I wanted was to keep a safe distance. (4) I asked God what turning the other cheek would look like in this instance. (5) He showed me turning the other cheek would be doing the opposite of my inclinations---thus, turning a curse into a blessing and accomplishing the opposite of the enemy's intention (also an echo of my pastor's words). (6) Since then, I've seen this offending lady at a few meetings; and it's been okay---no traumatic after shocks. I haven't spoken to her, but I am no longer feeling defensive. Instead, I remember the Lord's Words: Bless those that persecute you; do good to them that despitefully use you... Pray for them, etc.. -Matthew 5:43-47 Doing the opposite of what we are inclined to do in this type of situation is what turns this world upside down for Christ... See Acts 17. |
| I was at a lady's home Monday evening for a Christian "book study." There was talk between two of the ladies about allowing people who also come to the "healing house" to enter the food pantry early on Friday's at 11:00 a.m. to take what they like prior to opening the grounds at 1:00 p.m. to the public. I spoke up and said that I didn't think that would be right because "God is no respecter of persons." The others are not even permitted on the church grounds until 1:00 p.m. I then gave a paraphrase of the other scripture where people were treated differently at a banquet---the poor were invited to sit on the ground while the more privileged were given a nice seat. Then one lady actually laughed at me. At this point, I stood to leave, saying I will not be mocked. There was heated banter. One lady inferred that this might keep me from working in the food pantry. It really was shocking how offended and offensive these ladies became when I told them what I thought. Finally, it ended when I said that I did not want to belabor this and asked if we could move on. ----------------------- The whole scenario has been on my mind since it happened; today is Wednesday. I repented to God because in hindsight I felt pride caused me to stand and say "I will not be mocked." I've also prayed for conviction of all concerned of sin and of righteousness; and I have asked God to bring correction. However, the scenario keeps playing in my mind. Now, I am casting down those thoughts and will continue to cast them down when they try to "replay." |
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