Writings about death, relationships, feelings, and time
Expressing my feelings about death, the death of family members and friends, life and life's impacts. I hope to write poems about coping with death, life, family and friends, and getting the best out of life. Every emotion and every thought comes from living. I hope to live through my writings.|
Hoping to reach out and meet others where they are in hopes that any one of the poems will bring solace on some level.
|Pray for our Nation.
Pray for Charleston, South Carolina.
Pray for the families that lost their love ones!
Pray for the shooter!
Pray for his family!
Pray for all of us who are shaking our heads and asking how could such a violent act be carried out by one so young after sitting with his victims for more than an hour!
We are in need of God in this Country that was founded on the principles of the Bible.
|I almost read the ENTIRE meeting agenda last night! I was excited about that. Now, if my sight would only stabilize! Dr. Gancayco says that the bleeding and leakage in the left eye has stopped (it is my worst eye), and the sight has improved. The right eye is still leaking some, but my sight has improved in it as well. Long and short of the story -- there has been some improvement in my sight, but I still must go in for the injections in both eyes to maintain the ground that I have gained.
Not sure how many people out there are experiencing or have experienced AMD, but take it from me it is not a disease for wimps! It is the worse roller coaster ride in the world. One day you are seeing clearly and the next day you are wondering if and when you will go blind. Then you start treatment, knowing that there is no guarantees or cure, but you are hopeful. Two or three years later you find that there is some improvement in your sight. It feels like a miracle. A reason to celebrate. A time to be extremely grateful.
That is me this morning. I am eternally grateful that I am still able to see, to read, to drive, and to take care of myself. What a blessing to be alive with all of the problems, concerns, and conditions that are going on in my life. Yes, I could complain. Yes, I could feel sorry for myself Instead, I feel incredibly blessed. I have a reasonable portion of health, and woke up with a sense of wellness.
We can choose to see the glass half empty or half full or we can choose to not see the glass at all and just focus on what is in it. They are all choices. I chose to see all three. By doing so, I get to make much better choices about me, my life, and my circumstances. Based on that view, I choose to be hopeful and optimistic, but not blinded by my hope and optimism. I get to see things from all three perspectives and select the one that is best for me for the moment.
That's right, I get to mourn and mope around because the glass is half empty, while savoring the taste as I finish it off. I also get to rejoice in the fact that the glass is half full while pondering what is necessary to fill it back up, and anticipate the challenge. But best of all, I get to inspect what is inside the glass and determining what I can do with what is in there. How much more exciting can that be.
My friend Ida decorates hats. She gets a completely beautiful hat and adds her own touches to it AFTER having a picture in her mind that would take the hat to another level. Her creations are simply divine, and the end result usually makes it one of a kind, and desired by many. Such are the choices that we get to make every day. We can take the ordinary and turn it into something wonderful and grand. It only takes time, and time is what we all get each day that grace and mercy wakes us up.
We are the masters of our own fates -- it is called choices. These choices are not just going to affect our lives today, but also our future tomorrows, and therein lies our fate!
Peace and blessings always on your journey!
|It's three o'clock. The world is quiet. People are sleeping. It's dark outside, and I get to have a quiet chat with the Lord. What do I say to someone who has always been there with me? Someone who has taken care of me since life began.
How do I thank Him enough? Praise, worship, honor and glory seems so small. They feel like "thank you" when someone does something for you when you needed it most. Living a life of helpfulness to those around you seems to be a much better offering.
Loving God and people around you will allow you to commit random acts of kindness from the heart. Those random acts of kindness will make you feel better while improving the lives of others. It is a gift that will keep on giving when you commit those random acts of kindness from the heart.
Bless the Lords name often by doing things that causes his love to shine through you. Speak honestly and openly. Share the good news often. Let others see God in you and you will know why God made you even in bad times or when you think you are going through bad times.
|Yesterday was an awesome day. The seniors felt special. As we drove to the Spirit of Washington, they could not believe how much the District of Columbia (DC) had changed. A few were born there and had not been back in years. Some had retired from jobs there, and their old world place had been replaced by a new structure. One 91 year old, said that she did not want to hear anything else about Mount Rainier, she just wanted to talk about how the District had changed.
As I looked at all of the beautiful faces, looking around in wonder, and excitement about the changes in DC, I asked myself, "What was their smile's worth?" How could such a small something make them so very happy? I got so happy, I could not stop talking and trying to answer their questions.
They wanted to see some of the monuments, especially the newer ones. I told them, there would be another trip, just for that purpose. They asked about having lunch in downtown DC, and if that would be something we could do on the next trip. Over stimulated by their energy, I could only say yes, and commit to more activities for them.
Life is short on some levels, but on the other end it is long, and tough. Especially, when you are feeling forgotten and left behind. When the family stops visiting for whatever reason. When you only get your social security check based on your last three top years of earnings that never got higher than minimum wages. The best you can do is pay the rent, buy food, and medicine. Outings/Entertainment. What outings? What entertainment? You are always behind, no matter what you do!
Seniors are not a nuisance. They are not just a liability or high risk. Without their contributions, many of us would not be where we are today. Yet, they are treated with disrespect, and so much unnecessary baggage. I am blessed to still be very active, and blessed with a good and reasonable portion of health as well as a little better resources beyond social security, and I am still struggling. Struggling for different reasons, but struggling just the same.
I have people who check in on me daily and regularly. They call, come by, send their children, and make sure that I am okay. My son often says that he argues with me to make sure that I stay sharp. My daughters say that they work my nerves because they want me to be around and on point for a long time. All of them encourage me to stay active and involved. My daughter's words are "Momma, you have got to stay frisky and on your game!"
For those of you reading this, know that you will become old, if you live on. There is a charge I would like for you to keep. Charge forward with your life. Charge forward in taking care of your health. Charge forward with living and playing and singing and dancing and just plain old staying alive!
Yes, all of us could have made different choices in our lives, but we did not. We did what we did. Some things were good, and some were bad. Because of what we did, we are not the people we were then. What we do now, will certainly make us different in the future. No matter what, each of us will move on to what we were always becoming.
Party any time you can. Party as hard as you work. Take pictures. Get out your comfortable place and explore other things. Meet somebody new. Do something that you have never done. Laugh a lot. Tell your own silly jokes, and laugh about them. Get feisty. Stay full of life. Give death a run for its money. Don't look back. No regrets. Take life by a storm, and hang on.
In the end, you will be GLAD that you did!
|No matter where you find yourself, you are not alone.
Yet, you can be in a crowd of five (5) thousand, and be very alone.
Getting up in the morning and feeling very rested can be a very good thing.
Yet, you can get up in the morning feeling very good while hating that you had to wake up.
Having a quiet meal with a very special someone is often pleasing and rewarding.
Loving the very special someone that you are having a quiet meal with often bring you stress.
There are paradox in all of our lives, but we seem to survive them
We live and breath, and do all of those things that help us to get through life.
Most of these are on life's terms, but we often try to make life's terms ours.
I am looking forward to another day of learning tomorrow.
Even though, I have noticed that tomorrow never comes!
Pain and suffering
Crying and weeping
Wishing and hoping
Work and reward
Stopping and going
Loving and hating
Joy and love
Giving and receiving
Talking and arguing
Walking and running
Learning and sharing
Shaping and molding
Getting and giving
Buying and paying
Sharing and taking
Living and dying
|I know how important it is to keep all of my eye doctor appointments. I know that I can still see, and that is a blessing based on all that I have read. Yet, I dread going. I detest the idea of that needle being stuck in first one eye and then the other. I sit in the chair waiting for the medicine to numb the eye. Then the doctor walks into the room, and I know the procedure is about to start. Which ever eye is not being worked on starts to cry. My heart gets very fluttery and I get tense holding me together.
I am sure there are worse things in life, and that I am blessed to be able to afford the treatment that I am being given. I am also thankful and grateful that God has given man the knowledge to perform such intricate surgery on my eyes and those of others, but it does not stop the tears or the dread.
Praying for victory in my eyes and that my sight continues to improve. It has happened for others. I know that God loves me regardless of the outcome. However, I show hope that I can see for the rest of my life all of the beauty that God has made in this world for me to enjoy.
Staying in touch with my reality.
|The word for today is discipline.
I am not a very disciplined person. I act on impulse. I live on the edge. I respond to my feelings, and sometimes act on my emotions.
I can live in chaos. I thrive on challenges. I enjoy peace, quiet and solitude. I don't do well in cookie cutter situations. I prefer exploring the possibilities, and most of all, I love being different.
To not get sucked up into being like everyone else requires a certain amount of discipline. It requires being very comfortable with myself. Knowing who I am has taken a lifetime, but it is not new to me. I have always known me, and who I was even when my Mother and others tried to mold me into something else or someone else. Discipline allowed me to conform just enough for them to leave me alone.
I learned those things that have allowed me to pick cotton, work in tobacco, pick peanuts, chop grass, worm tobacco, and even sucked tobacco (no, not with my mouth, but a process of taking out the little leaves that try to grow on top of the bigger leaf). It takes discipline to do these jobs in the hot brawling sun day after day after day.
That same discipline helped me get through high school and college and two masters programs. Discipline led me through 26 years in one job; almost ten on another, and four plus years on still another job. The last two jobs, I served as the chief executive officer. And, yes, discipline has allowed me to serve with honor on the City Council for many years, and the last nine as Mayor of my City. With the help and guidance given to me by my Mother, I was able to raise my family (three girls and one boy) as a single mother while taking in and raising any child in distress in the neighborhood as well as families that were displaced.
Life has not been a bowl of cherries, but discipline has played a vital role in my accomplishments. Without discipline and my own natural behaviors, thoughts, drive, and curiosity, I would not have left home. Though mild spoken and even spirited, my Mother was very protective and sheltered me as much as she possibly could. Fortunately or unfortunately, I was a handful. A ball of energy. Outspoken, and full of life. I have been a daredevil in the true since of the word. It seemed as I was growing up that I required a spanking (they were really beatings) every single day until I reached the grand old age of fourteen (14).
After actually being truly disobedient, Mother took her usual position, and explained that I had earned the beating that I was about to receive. Having had enough of this beating stuff, I looked her squarely in the eyes and told her "I'm ready for the beating that you are about to give me. I am also prepared to do whatever I am big enough to do now and in the future, and take the consequences that come with my actions." Mother paused, and sat down. She asked me, if I understood what I had just said, and I answered yes. She said, "Then you have learned the lesson that I have been trying to teach you for fourteen (14) years. She never spanked or beat me again.
Discipline is not a dirty word even when used to spank or correct a child's behavior. Throughout life each of us practice some form of discipline.
Notice, I did NOT SAY CHILD ABUSE! A good old fashion butt spanking administered by "daddy" or "mom" and the child will remember! Most children desire honest, fair, and appropriate discipline, and will respond to it in a positive manner.
Discipline is NOT A NASTY word, but one used in love, care and part of raising children in the way that they should be raised. It teaches love, respect, accountability, honesty, integrity, and DISCIPLINE. All the things society admires and looks for in a person; all the things required by the military regardless of the branch; all of the things that each person I know wants for themselves.
So WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?
|As much pleasure and joy as a Mother can bring is equal only to the pain and suffering experienced with her death.
The death of my Mother tossed me into a place that was dark, and cold, and painful. So much pain that I became numb. I lost my sense of direction. I lost my sense of feeling and caring. I walked this earth as me, but lived in a land of no real feelings or real interest.
Prior to Mother's death, I was on the road to anyplace all of the time. The children and Mother were the center of my life. No one could touch me. I was flying high. I was on a career path. Money was not an object. I was climbing the ladder of success, and at a rapid pace. Life was good.
Then Mother died. Oh how quickly I tumbled down the road of despair. How out of control I became as there was nothing on this earth that could make me feel happy. Nothing or no one could give me back my joy. I was not out of control because I controlled everything around me. I said I was happy and acted the way I thought demonstrated that I was happy. I laughed when I was supposed to, and cried on cue. I was stuck in time, and I could not find my way backward or forward.
One day in a professional's office, I heard the words "It is not what you are eating, but what is eating you." Uncontrollable laughter erupted from my lips. I wanted to stop, but could not. I wanted to be angry, but was not. I had a glimpse of the truth. Since Mother's death, I have gained a lot of weight. Nothing I did helped me to lose it. I was bound and destined to die of obesity and all of its associated illnesses. I was deathly afraid of reaching 300 pounds, and yet I was eating my way toward that dreaded 300 pounds and death.
I went to see a nutritionist. This was my last opportunity to stop the weight gain. After talking for an hour or so, answering this question and that question and back and forth, she uttered those dreadfully funny words "It is not what you are eating, but what is eating you." How dare her say those words. Nothing is eating me. I am in control.
Weeks later, those words were still haunting me. I went on vacation, and those words came with me. In the peace and quiet of the mountains, and the beauty of the countryside, I finally allowed those words to take root and grow. I looked deep inside of me, and allowed the pain of my Mother's death return, and return it did. I felt the very moment when I knew she had left me. I felt the pain of seeing her lying on that bed with no more life inside of her. I ached all over with the grief I felt knowing that she would never breathe again, and I rolled all over the floor remembering them lowering her coffin into the cold cold ground. Oh God, I felt the pain. I felt the hurt. I felt the lie that she had told me about never leaving me, and yet there she was, leaving me forever! How could she? How could I go on living without her? Did I even want to go on living?
I remembered as a child how I had promised myself that should my Mother ever die, I would jump into the coffin with her and just die because there would be no more reason to live. I wish I could do that now. I wish I could just drop dead, and not feel this awful pain in my chest, my head, my entire body, but I just could not drop dead. And, they still lowered my Mother into the ground. I could not leave her out there. I did not want to leave her out there. She hated being alone, and now, now she is alone in the ground, and I am supposed to go on living. How can I?
My body is too heavy for me to carry. I can’t stop crying. People think I have lost it. I must pull myself back together. I must regain my control, my strong posture and exterior. My children must not see me completely lose it. Oh God, what am I to do? With that, I bury the pain. I become numb, and I remain that way through the rest of the day. It became my façade, my way of life. I got through that time in my life, and I lived that way for another eighteen years until I heard those words “It is not what you are eating, but what is eating you!” The outburst of laughter broke the facade, and released the pain.