One man's journey to find the way home
I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. |
After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit.
I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY?
Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation....
|On my way!! I survived the week. I got paid a healthy check, now I take a few days to reacquaint myself with my siblings. In the course of doing this I think of my kids and a sermon who will take care of me using scripture about loving neighbor as myself as foil. Be with me God!
|One more day until I can be on vacation for about one week. Most of my obsession is dealing with whether I get my mileage from my trip or /and two days tagged on to vacation. I am up to 68 and 3/4 hours for week. Most of it will not be overtime.
Today I will see my pastor. Let's see what comes of it? Hey he may not even be there.
|A month and one half and I am quite depressed. Money does not solve any problems!! I am working too hard to feel awful. As of today I have close to 38,000 dollars wit three months to go, but I am no feeling it. I am tired and wrung out. God give me strength. A part of the problem is my wife's ongoing malaise. She had an awful dream about an elevator of all things. 1300 dollars comes in handy and yet it has really made me feel weird inside. God be with me to help me understand. Who will be there for me is the title my next sermon and this blog takes me at the cross of what that feels like. How do I get off the cross, without ripping the nails thru my skin. God be with me as you were with Jesus.
|I got the first one done and now I will ask the proverbial question who will be there for me. It is about self care, God care and other care and the conclusion is that I learn to be there for me as I learn to be in a healthy way related to God and others, being myself so God can be God and others in the name of God get to help me bear the burden and at the Right time take my place. Today I continue to trudge at work. Well over 300 days to go and at least today an eternity.
|Maybe greed did get the best of me. It is difficult to say. My 401k is very happy. The only problem is that I do not take home as much, bummer. I will probably make a lot. The only problem is that I need to be very patient about when it may be available to spend. God give me strength.
|My head spins. I have this wonderful sermon wanting to be birthed but so much angst to get to a place of delivery. God make it happen even as you made me happen and let it give others hope.
It is the story of my out of exile experience in erie, learning how to love my self others and God by giving a tithe during a time where it really mattered, I learned God mattered and so did I and others.
No longer do I have to second guess who or what gives victory, God does. I no longer need to question my relationship with God as giving me worth I give to the one who values me above all else and who values family reconnection rather than divorce and lust after other options. In the New testament it is a quest to embody with Christ the message of giving more than tithe embracing time, talent and treasure and what can happen when I surrender over to God even knowing in the end I die for I know a God who can raise from the dead.
|Crunch time, only a few days til my sermon assignment is done. It sifts in my brain. The definition of exile now and then, three lessons from tithing and an invitation to become the message for others needing to know Gods investment. I hope for opportunity to share God willing.