One man's journey to find the way home
I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. |
After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit.
I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY?
Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation....
|Long time before a blog. Maybe I don't like to write. My brain is pretty mixed up. My time with Tim has been time with the kids. It feels distant and fleeting. I pray that I learn the importance of loving my family before I can know how to love anyone else. The idealist is dying a slow painful death and will I ever know it is worth it.
I have less than two days to go. Will they be resurrection kind of days or will my limping right leg feel the brunt of frustration. God guide my mouth eyes and ears to experience you thru those I love the most.
|I feel a great deal of depression as I wind down. I have twenty days, which is not too bad with 18 to go. I might regret not retiring. I pray I make the best of it. It is more difficult to feel a measure of peace.
It is four shifts and yet I am plain tired of the mess. I was glad for a day off and yet it took everything out of me to say no. I hate the news dragging me to a pit. The tenor is all negative. It keeps me from rising up out of the muck to celebrate each day.
|I wonder if it is only an illusion. It is a difficult place to want to get to. I get to work and my manager is hurt and bleeding because she is the last instead of first to hear of retirement. It is unsettling to look at schedule and see my name plastered on days I wanted off for vacation and during a time I wanted sacred for retirement. It as if no one cares. It would be better to quit and start over. I may just have to do this.
|Ups and downs are the name of the game. Twenty two days, who would of thought. I am on the edge of being tired. It is the twenty seventh of July. Who knows how many days I have off. I am sure I got docked on day. I know I can screw up. I got a no call no show. Roxanna was no picnic, a behavior house. I need to keep my head up walking on water trying not to get swallowed up by the waves
|30 days still seems an eternity with 19.4 designated days off and another 17 weekend days. It will stretch me. I can only grit my teeth and bare it. That is 3000 dollars on the table I make or don't make along with the consequences of leaving which will be difficult. If I don't have a relationship with God now I will by the time this is over springboarding into eternity.
It is all about forcing the narrative to lead me in some direction. Will I go or let all the other forced with agendas take me on a path to more hurt and destruction. It is in God's hand. My next story will definitely be about narrative.
|I have thrown out lines in a place that seems has a b and invitation to connection in the soup of a place called mystery. And yet if I don't fish in a time of Covid. Give me strength the battle is not over till I am with Jesus in heaven with others who have fished and found the way