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One man's journey to find the way home |
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I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from. After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit. I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY? Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation.... WELCOME!! |
| So I owe 11 dollars and one day late makes it over 25 dollars penalty. That is crazy and I was the fool for putting something there. I guess I am stuck. I was fool enough to get the credit card. It is probably time to rip it up. |
| Will I find out today or tomorrow. Will I get a reasonable amount of money whatever that means? It was less hours than last month. I'd be foolish to want for more. It is just annoying not knowing what happens and getting the feeling no matter what I will be disappointed. It gives me less reason to work not being clear about what to expect. |
| I still have trouble with entries even after writing them. I am still healing. It has been a good day. I have been mostly in alone spaces seeking connection. I pray for another day to heal and in some similar way sharing this healing with others. |
| I feel awful. The cold I have is consuming all good judgement. Will it ever end. I go from the pride of walking 15 plus miles to barely making it to five exhausted. I feel good for nothing. I am hopeful that I can conserve energy to drive tomorrow. Then I am faced with what I do with a cold and aging car. Do I sound as bad to others as I do to myself*? |
| The vacation is in process. It was disrupted by a cold. I need to slow down somehow even if my body says no. I am not running or walking till my cold gets better. It is very frustrating. I am learning about the need to take care of myself. My body still feels like an aloe. Lost in space. |
| The blogs are continuing to leave. How do I stop them from leaving as fast as I type they are gone. |
| I crossed a line yesterday and paid a price. I hope I do not soon forget that I can not get away with moving into manic and somehow surviving. My sexuality was stretched beyond belief and I found myself craving what I could not have putting my relationship with Sharon at risk. It was clearly not worth it. I can count the hours and it seems like I will make enough in the month of September. I will spend a lot too. The crazy thing is that my work with the residentsl suffers too because I can't set clear boundaries. I can ask God for strength and yet that does not mean I will not make mistakes. Help me to learn from this aGod. Having bipolar is no picnic. I am well past a hundred by four thousand. Take a deep breath or risk letting mood swings get in the way of eneljoying life. |
| Consumed by darkness praying for light Called by a blank page to on a page write The darkness inside becomes words I see The words tell the tale, a soul wanting to be free I stare at each word as love casts out fear I am beginning to think I am someone who cares Thankful for persons who never gave up Grief and sadness erupt, a tear drop falls The storm of my brokenness lights up the sky I am now let words go and in the process I try, To believe in something called hope, no longer alone I am feeling God's grace as the Sun brightly shone, Revealing in a rainbow God's promise to heal No longer in prison to darkness too real Maybe it's time to let others know That in letting go of darkness a word can bring hope Thank God for the sunshine that now creeps within Revealing a saviour who died for my sin And now I rise up, I no longer feel dead I walk with conviction no darkness to dread I celebrate that God all along knew my pain He listens to our cry and sends new of a friend Who will take up our burdens and walk by our side So glad I chose Jesus, hanging on for the ride. |
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