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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/blog/peterson4279/sort_by/entry_order DESC, entry_creation_time DESC/page/8
Rated: E · Book · Emotional · #2093535
One man's journey to find the way home
          I am an American Baptist ordained minister. I began my life journey in Massachusetts, where I was called to help people understand what it meant to know a loving God. The call came during a time when I was wrestling with how to help my brother Kurt, who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia during my high school years. I was a new Christian by my senior year following trying to understand what it meant for me to care about a person like my brother who others tended to stay away from.
          After twenty three years in Massachusetts, God sent me to the land of Kansas City where I spent about 35 years of my life. I was a pastor, a resident chaplain, a supervisor in training and most recently a caregiver and security. Everything I have done vocationally has been with God in mind. That does not mean that I am totally comfortable with all the movings of the Spirit.
          I am now in Erie where I do not know very many people. I came here because of my wife. She is from Erie and coming here was the right thing to do. It just plain made sense. My kids had grown up. I did not like Kansas city in terms of climate and was looking forward to a change. I had become very frustrated vocationally and longed to come to Erie to get a second opinion, because I honestly believed that was what God had wanted for me. I left behind kids and grandkids who I loved!!!! I had two jobs that I enjoyed. They were both very appreciative of my skills and I was making more money with the two jobs than I ever had. I heard more than once. ARE YOU CRAZY?
          Well I can only say that I am in love with God's leading. I am starting all over again. It has not been easy. Maybe some of you can offer me some words of support. I am lonely despite the fact my wife is with me. She battles depression and has two siblings that are having similar battles. When it is all said I am in a depressed community with a depressed wife and her family. So I begin the conversation....
WELCOME!!
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August 31, 2022 at 7:30am
August 31, 2022 at 7:30am
#1037126
Consumed by darkness praying for light
Called by a blank page to on a page write
The darkness inside becomes words I see
The words tell the tale, a soul wanting to be free

I stare at each word as love casts out fear
I am beginning to think I am someone who cares
Thankful for persons who never gave up
Grief and sadness erupt, a tear drop falls

The storm of my brokenness lights up the sky
I am now let words go and in the process I try,
To believe in something called hope, no longer alone
I am feeling God's grace as the Sun brightly shone,

Revealing in a rainbow God's promise to heal
No longer in prison to darkness too real
Maybe it's time to let others know
That in letting go of darkness a word can bring hope

Thank God for the sunshine that now creeps within
Revealing a saviour who died for my sin
And now I rise up, I no longer feel dead
I walk with conviction no darkness to dread

I celebrate that God all along knew my pain
He listens to our cry and sends new of a friend
Who will take up our burdens and walk by our side
So glad I chose Jesus, hanging on for the ride.



August 30, 2022 at 12:27pm
August 30, 2022 at 12:27pm
#1037104
My hip hurts today. I overdid it and now I pay the price. I felt better and that made me want to push myself to experience what it was like to feel better. That was a mistake. Now I am faced with a day to rest and learn what it means to take care of myself. It is so much easier to be a human doing than a human being.

I do have a couple things that need to be done. The dog needs to get outside. As I ponder I think of the woman down the hall who broke her hip and looks forward every day to persons who will walk her dog because she can not do it anymore. She is healing and after eight months of being in one place it is good to see her walk the hall in her walker.

This hearkens me back to a time I thought my life had ended. I had been under investigation for accidentally switching some medicines with two clients. In their opinion it took only one time of me doing this to make the clients I'll and that was reason enough for me to lose my caregiver identity. I had enjoyed taking care of Frances, a woman no one could work with. I was her manager for over two years and somehow knew the right thing to do. Then along came a day when my supervisor needed help. No one else would do it. Who knew how long this had been going on. She was also under investigation. The difference was she had lawyers from the beginning. The bottom line was a mistake had been made and someone had to pay the price and that person was me. I consulted with my wife and former spouse. They were persons who I trusted. They did not mince words they told me to go on Social security, because I was clearly mentally ill. If I hurt these guys I would hurt someone else. One of the guys who was sickly at the time died several months later. It became clearer that they were saying I was the cause. I was kicked out of the field and could only be reinstated after I showed that I had rehabilitated myself. And it was clear that after I did what they wanted several years later that would not guarantee I could ever work as caregiver again. That was something I enjoyed immensely. Now the only thing I knew was depression. I had little or no hope. I looked into SSI and wondered if I could even survive. I was forced to go on unemployment and even that was difficult because the agency was claiming I was totally incompetent. I fought and won with help. I after all needed money to surviv and I was paying child support. That was a cross I had to bear and I was living in a garage kind of residence with not even a mattress. I still had to eat.

Then it dawned on me that I could get a second opinion. So I found a Christian career counseling place and decided to see what their thoughts were on my future. I went for a week and was better every day in the way I dressed and took care of myself. My writing and poetry won the day. The first day we looked at the fact that I was clearly depressed and had been that way all my life and yet I was more than my depression. We talked about other ways I saw myself besides feeling depressed. That helped. Then I took lots and lots of tests and met with a clinical psychologist. The further along I went the more confident I was that life did not have to end at 45.

As we got to the last day I was hearing that I had gifts and vulnerability. The message from many pages of written material was that I clearly had something called PTSD that had caused me to know failure and disappointment as if it was somehow expected. They told me of a need for intensive counseling if I was ever to exit that spiral. The materials, tests revealed I was clearly a caregiver type and yet wit the wounds of my past it could not and would not work without lots of therapy. They even mentioned a guy who could help "Phil". Then as it wound down they asked me what I thought. That was one of those profound moments. It was not their determination it was mine that would make the difference. I felt hope!!

Then came a time of dialogue. I had always been a caregiver In one form or another. Now what? We talked about finding something to do while I healed. So this began a journey that continues to this day. Not long after meeting I found a job delivering pizza at Papa John's. Not long after that I met with a former pastor in a security office. I will never forget the question about why I wanted to be a security guard. I wanted to feel safer and out of that help others to feel safe. It made sense. I would do that for ten years as I fought to get my life back

And yes I did finally meet up with Phil. It was God ordained. I went to a mental health center looking for help and I found myself weeping with a female there asking me questions. She said it was clear that I had a PTSD issue and a man by the name of Phil would be the best person for the job. It was the exact person the career counselors talked of. What were the odds. And this began a ten year journey with Phil's support recovering who I was at the core of my being, an incredible wonderful child of God. Once I undid the damage of the past and loved my parents as doing the best they could with what they knew, I got my life back and regained courage to be a caregiver. And this time it was going to work! And it has worked. I move into retirement as someone others count on to do caregiving. I also do the best I can to care for my wife. All of a sudden life is worth it. I am more than my depression and with what breath I have left I do the best I can to serve God and others, God giving me strength.
August 29, 2022 at 7:04am
August 29, 2022 at 7:04am
#1037053
Happy birthday Sharon, life goes on. I am glad you are in my life. I look forward to being with you one day at a time as if every day is a gift from God
August 28, 2022 at 11:36pm
August 28, 2022 at 11:36pm
#1037046
Good night hope I find the night in me come to light
August 25, 2022 at 7:52am
August 25, 2022 at 7:52am
#1036907
I'd rather not go, but my teeth need to be taken care of!!
August 24, 2022 at 2:54am
August 24, 2022 at 2:54am
#1036874
Fighting has never come easy for me. I have learned the art of falling and getting back up again. At a little over 6 foot people tended to leave me alone. Yet I have known many who saw me as a big enough target to make a name for themselves. The only thing I know to do is try to get up and try again.

One of my favorite Bible stories is Jacob wrestling with an angel. Jacob was a heel grabber literally. He found ways to trick is older brother Esau out of a blessing and lived to tell the tale. I think what made Jacob a good fighter was that he was not afraid to lose. He did his best to learn from his battles. Laban tried to find ways to win against Jacob. He gave him Leah instead of Rachel and over the course of the relationship had more children with Leah who was not his first choice. Laban also tried to take advantage of Jacob with livestock. God showed Jacob that there was a way to win. Then he meets his brother Esau who could have very easily wanted him dead.

It is in the midst of meeting with his brother Esau we discover what makes him strong. Jacob gets into a wrestling match with an angel who is sent of God. Jacob is crippled and must go through life limping and yet the lesson to be learned is that Jacob is to become Israel, which means someone who wrestles and fights with God. Even if Jacob has our attention as a sly trickster Israel is the name that survives today and for all generations and gives us a way to model our own journey as fighting with God to show forth love and compassion even if it means that I may get crippled in the process.

I think Jesus embodied this as the Word made flesh. He fought with the devil in the wilderness and we see is sweat drops of blood at Gethsemane, ultimately dying on a cross to show us how God fights with us as much as we learned in the Jacob story how man learns to fight with God.

This has been my own prayer thru my own life. I know I am vulnerable. I can be beaten and yet I also know that in the end God has the last word. There are many times I have been close to death and God found a way to lift me up. I recall a vision after I had gone through depression for several months. I was defeated. I recall talking to my Uncle Irving that let me enter the fight. He let me know I was not alone and need never get myself in that position. He could have told me how strong he was, instead he entered into my woundedness and let me know there was a way out. He gave credit to his wife Lydia for getting him out his funk. His learning was that it was not up to him to save the world. God doesn't mean for any of us to be alone. Even Jesus talked about sending the Holy Spirit after he was gone to breathe life back into us after he was dead. The last words of my uncle were not that I needed to snap out of it and he in no way made me feel inferior, even though I felt that way. His last words were hang on for the ride. Another words I would get thru this and in a subtle way saying we would get thru this. The reason was that I was not alone.
Things did not get better immediatel. As a matter of fact my family was giving up on me. They were frustrated. Then around Easter of that same year, God gave me a vision of Christ dying on the cross and the essence of that message was that God understood all my grief and bitterness and that I was broken and the last part of the vision was being reminded about the resurrection and just like that the impenetrable fog lifted. It has lasted for months. I could easily of given up. I was studying for ministry at the time of my depression people were wondering if I was even saved. A few years I had given a message that I wrote. I knew it to be from God. People saw potential in me being a minister and yet the message I received from God was that I might let others down and yet as I did God's will, God would never give up on me. I was not alone and never will be. I fight the good fight. I hang on for the ride. Others may question me and yet God is with me always trying to show me a better way. God will never tempt me beyond what I am able.

I have needed to remember this as I went thru a painful divorce, when I heard words from my denomination that I was not called to preach, but instead plant corn, whatever that meant. And then as moved into the arena of caregiving, God showed me over and over he was there for me and would never give up on me. And now I am in Erie with a wife who has dementia. I at this very moment fight shingles and God keeps finding ways to say I am not alone. There is always someone there to support me. I am not alone. The words of Uncle Irving "hang on for the ride" and the excitement Irving had in his voice let me know I would not be disappointed. I could sense my Uncle was even excited for me. My best days were ahead. And it is so true God is fighting with and for me as much as I too slowly at times learn like Jacob how to fight with God. Hang in for the ride is the message that God sent thru my Uncle, so I guess the best I can do is graciously and lovingly offer them back to others who feel like the end is near. The best is yet to come..
August 22, 2022 at 2:45am
August 22, 2022 at 2:45am
#1036802
Shingles is no fun. It is like shingles on a roof that are never finished and you worry if you will be ready for the next stormy crisis. Be with me God.
August 19, 2022 at 2:03am
August 19, 2022 at 2:03am
#1036672
I am lost to understand what it means in my present circumstances. Maybe paying for the family meal on my birthday is part of it, especially because it is not what I always do and in this situation I really wanted to do it. After all I celebrate family in doing so. Much of my life I have needed to learn how to receive. This day was all about giving

The idea of fruitfulness gets lost when I let myself feel entitled, because I am Godly or doing the right thing. In our grocery shopping world I do not even need to make or create what I buy. Just bring money which is essentially counter to the creative process.

This can be even worse in church culture. I pay a healthy tithe and all of a sudden I am excused from being in church after all I have a wife to take care of. And that is the truth. Yet somehow I forget about people in the church that need to be taken care of too. And an absurdity festers over time. It can seem like I give and nobody cares, because I become detached and lifeless. It brings me back to the parable of the true vine. I am faced with giving myself over to a time of being regrafted and that might even be painful. I need the time on the vine with other to know true fruit bearing capabilities. So I have much to think about. Do I want to be fruitful or productive? That is the real question I am faced with
August 16, 2022 at 10:29am
August 16, 2022 at 10:29am
#1036556
It was a lot ng day at the ER yesterday. At least it was protitable. I am tired today though. God give me rest
August 14, 2022 at 4:55am
August 14, 2022 at 4:55am
#1036471
Tough guy I am not. My shingles is putting me in my place can't sleep. My birthday days away. What is there to celebrate? God help me feel better

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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/blog/peterson4279/sort_by/entry_order DESC, entry_creation_time DESC/page/8