These stories are such a great legacy for your family. I know I hang on every word my dad writes.
This is amazing. I read it twice through without pause. It was if I had climbed a tree and was spying on these adventures. Your tone and rhythm are epicable. I can't wait to read more.
By the way, I bet I hadn't thought of crabapple in a decade until your analogy. We had a crabapple tree on our farm. Perfect for a snack or the occasional brother/sister battke.
Okay you seriously made me laugh out loud on this one and no small lol either. I can just see you smiling as you wrote this. Perfection fun whimsical and intelligent
This is an interesting story full of tension and emotion. To me, it has the 'feel' of the Hunger Games.
The reader is not included in on all the specifics, but doesn't need to be to feel and understand the characters.
The pace and build is good.
You might work a little on your word choice and varying your sentence structure. To give you an example: In the first 2 paragraphs, you use the word gather or gathering several times. You could easily change this sentence 'Gathered one by one, we stand as one in support of each other.' to something like 'Untied we stand in support of one another. It will just help the rhythm some, pulling the reader in even more.
This is really beautiful. Usually I don't pay much attention to the pictures but you picked a perfect one.
I loved the second stanza, very gripping.
Poetry is so subjective and without many rules, so feel free to throw my suggestions out with the left overs.
In the first stanza you might read it aloud and see what you think about deleting the and and change watched to watching. I'm not sure why I try to avoid the word and in poetry - maybe someone told me or it's just a quirk of mine.
The only other I have is maybe recording the loss of the tide so it isn't so much longer than the others- maybe something like weeping for a tide long gone or for the lost tide. Just suggestions.
Sadly, I think most people feel this way at one time or another. You did well describing it. You set the tone right from the beginning and build on it.
The only suggestion I have in the last stanza you might try not to use the word nightmares twice. Maybe torture or journey could work.
Thanks for sharing.
Too much? Something smaller would work
besides helping me find my lost keys.
I’d love to get up in the morning
without it being a pain in my … knees.
The rhyme is great - natural as always. I wouldn't have thought of how to relate this to religion, but it does give food for thought.
On the monolog up of the wife you actually don't need the quotation marks at the beginning of each following paragraph. The fact that you don't put the ending quotation mark indicates that it is she that is still talking.
I love how he is still oblivious yo the end. Some people just don't get sarcasm.
Great ending. The writing is fluid and gently pushes the story along. This is like a great romance with a twist. As I go back through I see your brilliant foreshadowing. Very clever. Great read.
Audra
Hi,
Your dad recommended your port to me. Actually, I've never written a query but you seem to have done an excellent job. The first sentence is a great grabber. You give us insight into the story without giving too much away. I love the story within a story idea and the reference to Princess Bride made it even more clear. Excellent start to a story I can definitely see my teenage students wanting to read as well as an older audience.
Your word choice in this poem is supreme -- 'enigma of creation' and 'splendor death' particularly stood out to me
I know in your review of one of my pieces, you mentioned you don't use punctuation in you poems - I completely understand - some times I do and sometimes I don't. I have been told though to either use it or not in a poem - you have a semicolon but it was needed for the phrasing so overall I think it's fine. The only part I was missing punctuation was 'Gods redeeming plan' - I miss the apostrophe - wow that sounded like I was dependent on a punctuation mark. lol
I loved this line: I pretend to sleep, when I am really awake. I don't know if this is how you meant it, but to me it makes me think of when I know I should be giving things over to God and for some stubborn reason I don't - and I try to convince myself that what I'm doing is okay. It also says to me that sometimes we are needed but we pretend to not notice.
I love the line you chose for repetition. 'and in wisdom found' - quite prophetic.
I did get hung up on this line : I try to seek ways to know love for God sells. - I'm not sure what you are meaning - what does God sell? I may just be reading it wrong.
Nice job -- if I remember correctly Lighthouse usually requires a certain form. You might want to add the form at the end just in case your readers may want to try it out.
What I loved:
In times of anguish I cry until I'm sore,
Uncertain of what I will find amidst the rubble
and
the last stanza, as well as the flow - it seemed natural, effortless
I don't quite understand the title, but then again I personally don't put a lot of emphasis on the title. I guess the 'Why' part is what is throwing me off.
very impressive! I'm not even going to say in the time and constraints you had to write it - It is simply impressive and thought-provoking no matter what.
Your vocabulary is astounding. I may have to steal words for my students vocab challenges next year.
I love this thought and phrase: When did the common good become uncommon
This is hilarious. Not only was I "singing" it, but I'm sure I'll remember it everytime I hear the Eagles belt out Hotel California. You are a quite inventive. I could see you smiling as you created this. Your joy and humor shine throughout the poem.
the wind whispers that wonderful things await just beyond the next sunset. - great wording here - the alliteration really works
At first I thought whale; then no this was something else. -- i had to read this a couple of times to get what you meant
There is no better feeling then working the wind right and rhythmically dissecting the waves. - i've been told (more often than I'd care to admit) not to start sentences with There - that it makes it too passive. Something more like - No better feeling exists than . . .
There it was gently floating on the surface, keeping up with the boat with rhythmic ease - Same as above -- Gently, floating on the surface, the think kept up . . .
Son of a bitch I thought - usually thoughts are in italics
It's tail slowly slapped the water as if it was savoring what I might taste like -It's should not have an apostrophe since it is possessive and not a cnntraction for it is or it has -- it breaks the apostrophe for possessive rule
I was going to be it's next feeding and there was nothing I could do about it. - same as above.
I heard a snap a thud and all went black. - comma after snap and thud
Though i don't know much about boats I was still able to visualize this through your wording - great job.
You change from present to past tense in this - but i think it is on purpose - because you are telling a tale - am I right?
It reminds me of ghost stories told around a campfire.
As a middle school teacher - you know I had to go right to this one.
Popularity plummets,
And regrets feel so strange –
Those eventful, teen summits
Provide such a big change! - you nailed it!
You got them perfectly -- they feel strange - - they want to have life experiences while still being tucked in at night. That's why I love this age so much! They are a kid and a grown-up meshed together with still enough honesty to say "this is weird and kinda sucks".
Great job! Not many understand the mind of a teen - but obviously you haven't forgotten.
This was a unique tale -- it definitely brought up memories for me lol.
As always, you write description so incredilbly creatively and well. For me personally, it was a little too much on this piece - perhaps it is my own impatience wanting to flush the meat of the story out.
They fold themselves into the landscape, grasping at antiquity. - great sentence - great personification
There was a small balcony opening on that wonderful, peaceful view of the east Anglia countryside. - try not to start with there
There were so many men. - same here
Knights in white satin - I noticed in this paragraph you quit capitalizing the songs all the way correctly - is it to show you are drifting into sleep?
Bye, bye Miss American Pie - not relevant at all - but just thought I'd share - this for me brought images of Pilot Dave in my college years in Arizona
It's redolent glow illuminated the whole of the genteel English lawn -It's/Its
Clyde Sang and the naked one danced before him and then danced with him. - I know it purposeful but the capitalizing of Sang and Dance was distracting to me but it good just be my grammarholicism raising its ugly head.
I liked the footnote -- insight into the author is always interesting to me.
I love your honesty. Though I do write poetry, I know exactly what you mean. there are times I try to return the favor of a review and i just can't because I don't get it at all - in fact, there are times I go back and read my own poems and don't get it. lol.
Quite frankly, I thought your poem was wonderful. At least I understood it!
I think many turn to poetry because they think it is easy because the rules can be ignored - but really there is not short cut to expressing yourself in any type of writing.
You have written a flawless piece here - I'm sure many can relate to how you feel.
The first stanza pulled me right in -- what a unique way to express it. I found myself praying it as I reread it.
I think this is beautiful.
As I went back up to your description of the poem - I found (as is often) that I took it more figuratively than literally -- it is one thing I love about poetry - it can me various things to different people
The rhythm to me almost meant my place in the world - my walking in step with Christ - inner comfort
The gentle rocking peace
To settle my nervous brain and aching heart. - how often I have prayed similar to this -- very well said
Let me some comfort in the moon. - are you missing the word "see"
stimming? - I'm not familiar with this word. I wrote it in word and it came up as a misspelling.
I love that it ends positive -- It shows the depth and compassionate that can be gained through prayer.
A very well expressed poem. - the perfect morning read.
a treasured pet can at times bring more comfort than humans and you've shown this with this poem. I feel the love and carrying.
With loving paws I kneed you gently =- i think this kind is "knead" as in massage
I rumble you as I purr contently - I rumble you - feels a little odd - i get that the purring is creating the comfort but maybe 'humble' or even comfort
I won’t even ask you to sniff my butt - i know this is from a cat's point of view and this is what they do, but it took me out of the love and caring - from friendship to animal master - it didn't quite seem to fit with the rest
I'm sorry for your loss of Church -- you have paid a beautiful tribute here. It makes me think of my great cat in college, Derek, that made me feel like the whole world would be okay.
I love a short story that also incorporates a message to the readers, leaving them thinking - possibly even opening their imaginations to more creativity.
A couple of suggestions:
It had been a very long day for her, one that started out simply enough, yet had quickly become complicated. = I've recently been told by a few people that adverbs are no longer a good thing in short stories - not sure if i buy into it yet - but you might want to look at this sentence again with that in mind
Wow - poor girl - so much went wrong in the first paragraph alone -- the action pulled me in - you might want to look at varying your sentence structure though - intermixing short and long sentences can create a more rhythmic, less intimidating paragraph
“Karen, are you alright?” “Karen, wake up!” “Karen, Karen, Karen?” - every time someone new speaks it should be a new paragraph even if it is just one line
Hurry!!! there wasn’t any wind at the moment!! - I would leave it at just one exclamation mark - more than one doesn't necessarily indicate more emotion
Once again she drifted off, silently going where each of us must go sometime in our lives. - i loved this line - i can't really explain why - i just did
What is it that brings you here my dear?” - comma after here - you always want a comma before or after addressing someone in dialogue
just you and me young lady.” - comma after me
.” It took Karen a moment to find her voice, but when she did, she finally asked; no she finally blurted out, “How is it that you can speak? Everyone knows that trees can’t speak - this should be it's one paragraph or at least starta a new one since it has changed speaker from the tree to Karen.
thanks for a lovely read.
audra
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