I love it when children's stories (or adult ones for that matter) are entertaining and teach a lesson. Well done on both points.
There are a few problems with verb tense - you go from past to present back and forth at times. If you can I would change it all to present tense - it makes it more active and tends to appeal to readers more (or so i've been told)
and my two brothers Derek and Peter. - comma after brothers
“Daddy please” I begged - Daddy, please --- when you address someone using dialogue it is set off with a comma
Good use of dialogue to move the story along -- I really like that
This brigns back memories of my dad "trying' to each me to drive a tractor.
Hi! I'm reviewing this on behalf Images In Ink Fan Club. Congratulations on your recent nomination to "The Ink Blot Author Fan Club". Your fan, Images in Ink, has requested the Poe Package for your, which includes a total of 9 reviews!! I'm ecstatic you were chosen for this honor.
Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow, someone sure is lucky to be the receipient of such intense love and feeling.
Your voice in this piece is strong creating a feeling that took over me as I read it.
Improvement Areas:
Though I love the sentiment of the last line, it just seemed a little long -- i'm not going to be of any help here because I couldn't figure out how to revise it - so maybe you should just ignore me lol
Grammar/Spelling:
Even when the rain falls knowing your there eases my aching heart, and when... - your/you're
My Favorite Part:
Entice me back to a state of unrestrained passion,
Vowing my love for you to the heavens above with - I love this part -- it had almost a timeless feel to it -- it could have been said hundreds of years ago or just yesterday.
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
What a splendid message you are sending here -- all parents or people thinking of having children should read it.
We get so caught up in a world of instanteous joy, we forget what will stay with them long term.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
You bring me not the sun,
You get me not the smile,
You fetch me not the caring,
For as you say, you have no time. - this stanza breaks my heart -- for we live in a world where we are constantly doing something thus sending this message to our children.
I think i'll take a break from here and spend some time with my son now.
Suggestions:
I APPRECIATE YOU!
** Image ID #1549494 Unavailable **
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Though a short poem - you get your point across beautifully.
IF we could hold on to the magic, imagination, and acceptance of children the possiblities for this world would be endless.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
As adults we breathe less
and sigh more. -- very interesting - i had never thought of this before!
I like it Suggestions:
I APPRECIATE YOU!
** Image ID #1549494 Unavailable **
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
As always, I find myself going to your comedy folder and as always i am not disappointed.
I find myself thankful that I was too young at the time to be part of the streaking craze -- ok maybe a little jealous.
You have given a history and provided a well-written account of a hilarious event.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
On a warm Spring day, the grassy Mall would be covered with students sitting on blankets studying or enjoying the sun. - spring is not usually capitalized and i would put a comma after blankets
streaking maneuver through the ladies barracks. - on this one i kind of go back and forth - at first i thought you definitely needed an apostrophe (ladies owning the barracks) and then i htought perhaps not because it is a "type" of barracks - ladies as an adjective -- so any way you decide lol
My Favorite Part:
The ending of course was pricely worded. You are a pro at that. Suggestions:
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is a beautiful, touching piece.
The pace is wonderful. And with so few words you are able to put the reader there both in image and feeling.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the ending -- the play on words is excellent - not contrite at all. It relates to the beginning, and comes full circle.
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is a very interesting outlook on faith and religion. Though i'm sure many will not agree with you, I understand the points you are making.
YOu've demonstrated them will with "fact" and with figurative language.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I like the ending, finally with "hope". It ties the piece together showing watch each can bring or offer.
Very well-written.
Suggestions:
I APPRECIATE YOU!
** Image ID #1549494 Unavailable **
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This was really cute -- as i was readig i thought "she's describing my house!" If only ther were housecleaning elves without attitdes!
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I just really liked it all. It was fun, descriptive, and inventive.
Suggestions:
I APPRECIATE YOU.
** Image ID #1549494 Unavailable **
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
I'm quite surprised this doesn't have a ribbon. Though it is graphic it is exceedingly well-written. I, for one, loved it. (though i do think i was making a face while reading it - lol)
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I love the whole voice of the piece. The rhyme and rhythm is spot-on. You've done a great job here. I'm glad I stumbled upon it.
Suggestions:
I APPRECIATE YOU!
** Image ID #1549494 Unavailable **
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Knowing your work I was waiting for that comical surprise in the end, but I have to say I liked the seriousness just as well.
Poetry with a moral behind it is not easy to accomplish and I really enjoyed it.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
The "ugly duck" would be transformed into a swan with self esteem. - i think self-esteem is hyphenated
She loved the feel of them, they way they worshiped her - they / the
My Favorite Part:
I love how you made it a whole story from the beginning of her life throughout -- it really created a connection.
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This is priceless.
As a teacher, I hate Valentine's day, because I see the kids who are not "recognized" and my heart breaks for them. Yes, it is a life lesson, but it is a cruel one.
You have given me hope that someone, sometime will appreciate their differences and acknowledge them.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
The ending was beautiful. For 300 words you have definitely created a favorite for me.
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
First off, i hope this finds you feeling better.
This poem could almost be about what you are going through. I love the inspiration in the face of trial. It shows stregnth and positive attitudes.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Your rhythm is great in this poem -- it flowed as easily as a song - almost like a lullabye for grownups.
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Author Appreciation Day. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Wow - what a unique read. So many people are afraid of sleep because of night terrors, and you have turned this around to that being the solace.
It is written as prose but also has an incredible poetic feel to it. You have utilized both of your skills in this wonderful piece.
Improvement Areas:
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My Favorite Part:
I am delicately balancing on a precipice, but I know I will eventually lose my balance. -- this is a very telling line, as well as an example of the strong mood you set here.
The introduction and description of the child playing reminded me so much of my son. The imagination is a great thing.
Though the story was predictable, it was well-written to the point you didn't care that you knew what was going to happen. The foreshadowing used was very well presented.
We need more Jimmys in the world. It seems sometimes as we age we lose the imagination and the self-lessness children have.
Hi! I'm reviewing this for Chatterbox Reviewers!~ Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
This poem has some very interesting aspects. It is a poem that makes one have to think and reflect.
Improvement Areas:
This could just be me - but i feel you either use punctuation or not use it at all -- no half way inbetween - so i would either delete the question marks or add in complete punctuation.
The rhythm for me was a little hard to capture because of the variety of lenghths of the lines.
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
Where has curiosity taken you?
What regrets do you ponder on:
Those that cause you concern
For others?
- i like this because it made me think -- usually when we hear people talk of past regrets it has to do with their own lives - i like that you've shown the selfish nature in this and that our regrets are for what we could have or did to others.
Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
Hey, look - you wrote a poem i can read to my class without worrying about getting my tenure revoked lol.
Honestly, Ben - i'm jealous -- this is awesome. I wanted to write a good one today and at first i thought the form wouldn't be too hard since iambic yada yada wasn't mentioned - but it kicked my butt.
you make it look easy -- damn i may have to become a fan or something.
There was such truth in this piece -- the rhyme was great -- congrats
Hi! I'm reviewing this because I either stumbled across it and it looked interesting, you gave me a nice review previously, or you asked for me to review it. Always remember that any changes you make to your writing should be what you want to do with it; I'm just here to tell you my take on it. This is your baby to raise. My opinion is offered with respect and the best intentions.
Overall Impression:
Great - now you have me wondering! Where will it go - what will happen, etc. . . - but that's a good thing - sometimes i like being left with my own imagination.
You are so talented at description. It evokes suspense and anticipation. - i don't know if this will make sense - but it's description that doesn't feel like description --- it moves the story along instead of saying "and this is what it looked like"
oops i'm rambling.
Improvement Areas:
Grammar/Spelling:
My Favorite Part:
I am breathless drinking you in - that's pretty hot -- Suggestions:
Thank you for sharing your writing. I'm always amazed at the talent on this site! Audra
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