What I liked the most: I liked that she reminisced on the guy that she liked. I think that she liked him more than he liked her. I could relate to the feelings of wanting to be with a person even though it is not possible at the time.
Corrections: Staggering to her feet in a drunken stupor, struggling to walk she swayed towards the windows and slammed them shut...it should be: Staggering to her feet, she stumbled towards the windows and slammed them shut. Men still found Leah attractive; when she made an effort of getting her act together before venturing out - however that was a rarity now a days sentence does not make sense with still finding her attractive but it is a rarity these days maybe try: There was a time where men had found Leah attractive. This would be when she made an effort to get her act together before going out.
What I liked: I liked that it involved darkness. My take on it is that when one is alone in a room vacant of light, you would feel the most darkness. It would seep in on all of the edges and engulf you. It becomes a side of you that no one has or may want to see. For me, darkness is a part of me. It brings out the emotions that are hidden within.
Corrections/Edit: I think if you expanded on these two short lines something fantastic can happen.
What I liked the most: I liked this poem a lot. It shows that love is never easy. It does not refer to just a lover but to a friend. How could one just shake off the fact that he betrayed your trust? You gave all you can to the person, but you got nothing to show for it. I think that the line "you bit the hand that fed you" is great because it could even refer to a parent being betrayed by his/her child. The line "Don't deny others the freedom to walk is priceless because it says to not control others. Do not deny the freedom that is given to speak what you think or what you say.
What I liked: I liked that it revolved around lust and enchantment over a woman. The usage of La belle dame sans merci was clever. The line that caught me was "let me gaze into your eyes and nectar of love drink". It shows how a lover can become entised with his woman. Also, I liked the line, " He's mad. He cannot behave". It shows how once one gives of herself more is expected.
Great job.
"I have reiewed the following item "La Belle Dame Sans Merci" towards the entry fee
What I liked the most: I loved this part: " I see her smile, in my mind’s eye. I hear the passion in her sigh. I smell the fragrance of her hair. It’s as if I’m standing there."
You think that everything is figured out, that she is the one for you. Then, your heart is broken into two. Love can be deceiving.
Corrections/Edit: only correction: We grow and what was found is lost. We grew and what was found is now lost
What I like the most: I liked the idea that the viewpoint of the poem was from the "He loves me not" side. This makes it interesting. The first line I liked: Pedals fall golden in hue. Also, the night yawning was worded nicely.
Corrections/edit: Baskets of flowered hope end
In sad "he loves me not".
maybe, it should be: Baskets of flowered hope end
In the solemn tone, "He loves me not".
Other comments: Overall, I liked the poem a lot. Great job!
What I like about the work: I liked the two silohuettes emerging from the car. I liked the suspicion that was involved.
Edit/Corrections: I would capitalize slightly and peering because it would catch the reader's attention. I feel like you should add a little more details to why you are paranoid or your symptoms of paranoia: ex: shivering, clammy hands, racing mind. This would make the poem a little better.
Oh my gosh! That was terribly amazing! I am shocked. Wow.... To think that he would kill himself. It makes me wonder whether he killed himself right away to see her again and ask her why she did what she did. The note at the end was great. I liked the line: By the way, you have AIDS. That was priceless. It does teach a lesson that cheating is always wrong especially when the husband was faithful despite his wife's depression. I felt bad for him.
What I liked most:
I liked how you used time as a means of whether to move forward or not. Also, I liked how descriptive you were when talking about things: the moist grass, the thigh high yellow grass, the orb of light, the unfocused eyes. Continue with this because this helps the reader understand the story: in this particulat one- it shows how lively the little inhabitants of earth can be: like the flower and time
It is interesting how time can stand still but then move quickly.
Where I found errors, typos, or other things that might need
> edit and revision:"They feel as though an invisible band has been wrapped around them and now they are being pulled downward towards the moist earth" There should a comma after and. It should be: They feel as though an invisible band has been wrapped around them, and now they are being pulled downward towards the earth.
In my opinion these should be two separate sentences. This is because the thought drags on. They feel as though an invisible band has been wrapped around them. Now, they are being pulled towards the moist earth. This is better because it begins a new thought with "Now".
I am confused with the last statement "yet somehow I did". I loved the symbolism of the flower because it shows that the girl does not want to be forgotten like the flower's title. Yet, when she is she thinks she forgot the flower. I think that the sun/ manly figure forgot her. She never forgot the flower because she took it out at the end.
To clarify, maybe, make it: "Forget me not," I whisper to the flower, "yet somehow I was".
This makes it clearer that she was forgotten and left behind by her family and the sun.
Other Personal Comments:
Overall, it's great. Good job, and great being descriptiveness. As long as the point in the story was not lost, being descriptive is a good thing.
wow. Your words are true, every word. It does seem like the world is cold and that no one cares. Sometimes, its like your invisible and want to be heard. It is realistic. The ending statement"You tell me life is fair" was great.
I like it. My favorite line is: Every night I see your face shining in the moon". that is a beautiful line. Also, I like the title. I am sorry about your friend.
Ever wonder how people are appreciated more when they are gone rather than when they are here? a sad thought but true
Wow. I like that with the world screaming. It is true. It is happening everyday with people dying. People who tune it out will not only hurt themselves but others who could have been saved. Good job
I can see what you mean by depressing. Anyways, the jumping in front of a train has a possibility-not to actually do it- but i mean to expand on that story. It is the most realistic. a lot of deaths are from people jumping in front of trains. i hate the idea that someone is lonely but no one can help. sad face. Besides, there has to be someone out there to help them, right?
Anyways, if expansion - maybe make it that she/he was about to jump in front of train -entire story and train was nearing when someone saves the person's life- a heroic ending instead of a typical one
It was heartfelt and interesting how he could manage to think of his family at the same time as working. There are grammatical errors every now and then. It is sad to think that a wife must be home with the kids while the father is away for the longest time. I like the idea that the wait is the hardest part because it definetly is...
I love the name Cantarella. Also, I adore the line: My darkest nights, I will spend them in deepest sin. It is seductive but vampire like at the same time. A tea of fate is a creative image. I liked it all around.
i like the first quartet about fire in the eyes and it licking greedily.
I think you meant dark my soul has become not have...
Interesting how fire is black
Good job overall
i liked it a lot because it shows how people can easily ignore when a person is in danger of hurting him/her selves. The person in the poem is in deep distress and needs help. I think he/she is suffering from depression and neglect. He/she wants to be seen, but not by the eyes but the heart. He/she wants a person to understand before it is too late. good job
Your pain is a wall, blocking out the rest of the world...I agree with that because at that specific moment in time, you seclude yourself in fear of what others would think or just wanting to be left alone. Being able to remodel or change your life, is something only you could do.
wow. good ending, but i was not crazy about. The descriptions made me lose the plot of the story.. It was very descriptive on every portion from the gas station to Carmin Miranda. good job
oh damn. That was just wow...I really awakened when it said y-o-u -a-r-e-m-y-s-o-n. It sounded like the kid was normal until he had so much hidden hatred and feelings inside him. great job!
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