Good potential, but it seemed choppy when I read it to myself, so I read it aloud to myself and it read much better, much of the choppiness went away.
Your longer lines seem to cause the choppiness I experienced; perhaps if you tamed them a bit, allowed them to be more in concert with themselves, the long lines, then their differences with the shorter lines would not seem to be so out of place. I hope you understand this, since I am having a bit of a problem explaining what I mean to my own satisfaction!
I do like the poem, primarily the sentiments expressed, and the ideas you explored.
Solid travel piece, extremely informative and easy to read. Did you leave a word out in the second sentence? ". . . in [as] many years." A little redundancy, as in one sentence starting with "Still" and ending in "though."
On the whole, the piece sounds professional; have you considered selling this series to a travel magazine?
If this is your first draft, then I wil be dazzeled by your final draft. Very well written, well organized, touching all the emotions while flowing smoothly from thought to thought, giving the reader a roller-coaster ride through good and bad emotions.
You covered the war well without throwing in politics; few writers do that today. You clearly and loudly expressed the love and the worry you had for your son, along with the pride, and the memories and theishes for him.
All in all an excellent piece. The one thing I noticed was the comma outside the quotation marks where you wrote about CNN. Commas and periods should fall inside quotation marks. I almost missed that, you had me so enthralled, but it kind of jumped at me!
Very good; well put together. I could see and feel what the characters were seeing and feeling. Your words built a picture for me, and your words touched various emotions within me as well.
I forgot to look for other than glaring errors, that is how the story grabbed me. I would probably have used a few more commas, but that is often a matter of style, or taste. I did notice one typo that jumped out at me: You misspelled "Commercial" as "Comercial" in one of your paragraphs describing the TV. I also would capitalize TV or spell it out as "television."
All in all, excellent. Thank you for the story. It made me want to know more about what will happen to Bryn and to his mother.
Interesting concept and very imaginative, but where is it going? Is this piece a part of something else? I see a lot of potential, and the writing is fairly good. By itself, there does not seem to be a point, or a lesson, or a direction. It seems as if I have just read the word version of a deserted island, interesting for a while, but not somewhere to spend much time.
If this is part of a larger work, or a work in progress, I would love to see the finished product. There is potential for both fun and horror, depending on how you go forward with this.
Congratulations for trying poetry, and I hope you will write more. This one had a good idea, but was a "sing-song" poem. I felt as if it was written just to get words to rhyme and that the meaning was secondary. Although, there were some pretty good ideas in the poem, they could have been developed more fully.
Keep it up, though, playing around with words, whether in poetry or in prose, is the best way to develop writing skills. In my opinion, poetry is particularly difficult and it is an exceptionally good writer that eventually learns to be a good poet.
And, on a final note, please remember that all poetry does not have to rhyme.
This poll brought back memories. I particularly was addicted to the original "Jeopardy," second only to "Seven Keys" which I liked about as well. Game shows were more interesting and fun in "the old days."
We seem to share a feeling of lack-luster when it comes to Costner; I would have liked to have a choice that said, "Any of his movies." anyway, this was an imaginative question, and a fun poll to think about.
I'm not sure I see this as a poem, but, whatever type pice it is, it is good. I enjoyed it, and, although not an insomniac (although I am writing this at 0220!), I can feel the frustrations and anguish of an insomniac in reading this. Keep up the good work; I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Many try stream of consciousness writing, as this piece appears to be, yet few do it so well. The ideas were just on the verge of jumbling together, causing the reader to virtually "run" to keep up, and, yet, it was not a problem.
This was finely crafted and contained an important lesson as well. Enjoy and learn from this author.
I like the sculpture, but was very greatful for the artist's explanation of the piece, including the details of its creation. Those, like me, who are not versed in such art-making can learn something. So, if you see this work of art, be sure to read the explanation as well.
Good imagery in thie poem, but I wonder about the rhyme scheme. It seems the author wanted one, but didn't stick to it consistently. (Yes, call me old fashioned! No, all poetry must not rhyme.)
I also wondered about the line, "Welcoming in the new." Generally fall is a time of saying farewell to the living and preparing to survive the "dead season" of winter.
All-in-all, I enjoyed this poem, but think a bit more work would make it excellent, and very appropriate for the coming fall.
This was okay; I found it interesting and somewhat captivating, but somehow the words in the piece did not ring true. Don't ask me why; I've never contemplated suicide, so I could be totally wrong; it just somehow was missing something. A bit more emotion, perhaps, without overdoing it?
Good imagery. Flows well. There is a dichotomy of mind in the main character that confuses me, but that is one of the strengths of the piece. Perhaps it is a better piece that I don't appreciate as much as I should because of the subject? I don't think so, but who knows what goes on at subconscoius levels? If I think of what's bothering me, I'll come back to it. If you do a re-write, please let me know.
Excellent explanation of how the stats are compiled and calculated. Most useful are the explanations of what the various stats, alone and in groups, may indicate about our writings.
An important message for many that would have been helped with a few paragraph breaks and transitional material.
This piece, with a bit of work, could be turned into a nice sermon or inspirational piece to help those who may be stumbling along their Christian path.
Also, if one is able to swallow one's pride, a negative comment can actually help improve one's writing skills, to sharpen up a plot line, strengthen a character, or, just use the adverse comment as a prode to take a second look at a piece, "just in case."
Some people, even writers, do not always know how to criticize gracefully, and may sound "ugly" when they had no intention to be so.
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