Hello Richard T Clark,
Thanks for your review request.
The following is my opinion and is given with the intention of being constructive and encouraging. It is my hope you find it helpful in some way.
I like your opening line. It appropriately sets the mood of the story
Theme- Man's struggle with faith.
Conflict - The balance between Peter's love for his children and the demands of his gods.
Pace -The pace is great. You hold my interest all the way through with only one stumble (noted later) on the first read through.
Showing vs telling - Most of your showing was through figurative language and it was effective. It gave a special lilt to the story. You employed internal thinking as well.
The five senses - Sound, sight, smell, touch, and even taste was noted.
Characters - Not much was given about the appearance of your characters but I was getting to know them rather well by the end (at least Peter and Gorin).
Dialogue (& tags) - You did not use a lot of dialogue, but where you did, it seemed natural and the identity of the speaker was clear. All your dialogue moved the story along.
Adverbs - You use a lot of adverbs and adjectives, some seem necessary, some not - up to you.
Word repetition - Any word repetitions will be noted later.
Suggestion for improvement - I note your writing first, then my suggestion.
that seemed to match the increased intensity - change "that" to "which"
The murmuring had its effect - The murmuring sounds had their effect
,the knot in his stomach loosening slightly - loosening the knot in his stomach (I would eliminate "slightly")
No, that wasn't right: he was seventeen now, a man now. Not a boy. - No, that wasn't right. He was seventeen now, a man, not a boy.
of the apricot tree and across Peter's cheek - of the apricot tree and brushed Peter's cheek
An omen of impending punishment - Was it an omen of impending punishment
It was known that the gods punished the older - It was known that the gods punished the older ones (or the elders)(or the old)
bringing a tightening to Peter's stubbled jawline - and Peter's stubbled jawline tightened
"Okay daddy." - "Okay, Daddy."
Deputy Lebrae rode up on him - Deputy Lebrae caught up with him
It was after the above paragraph that I was jolted out of the story for a moment due to the time change. More space or dots or stars could indicate a switch back to the present.
they were certainly against the odds - they were going against the odds (or bucking the odds)
He folded back the cloth it was wrapped in - He folded back the cloth in which it was wrapped
He'd anticipated this. Dreaded it, but had been left with hope. - He'd anticipated this, dreaded it, but had continued to hope.
His little girl clutched to his chest shattered that hope at birth. - His little girl, clutched to his chest, shattered that hope. (I would eliminate "at birth".
where the baby in mommy's stomach had gone? - capitalize Mommy's
The baby that they'd talked to for months. - eliminate "that"
Of all of them, why Sarah would choose the unbroken colt to attempt to ride. - Of all of them, why would Sarah attempt to ride the unbroken colt?
slightly muffling the little sucking sounds from his little girl. - I would eliminate the first "little"
They could try hide what she was. - They could try to hide what she was.
deprived of a full life prior. - deprived of a full prior life.
through the leaves at the edge of the clearing at the base of the outcropping the path had brought him to. - through the leaves on the edge of the clearing at the base of the outcropping to which the path had brought him. (still a little wordy and lengthy)
But will call for you by it when we get to be together again, - But we will call for you by it when we are together again,
He pulled his ident tag and waved in front of the skiff's center console. - He pulled his ident tag and waved it in front
the skiff traveled as though it would in a vacuum - the skiff traveled as though in a vacuum or as it would in a vacuum
and came to halt two- - and came to a halt two-
Gorin folded back the material it was wrapped in. - Gorin folded back the material in which it was wrapped.
He could relinquish his claim right - He could relinquish his rightful claim
Overall, - I found this story (or beginning of a longer story) to be very interesting even though sci-fi is not one of my favorite genres. Because of the ending, it leaned more toward horror for me. It held my interest and I liked the psychological premise, but the ending was a surprise and not really a fulfilling one after the promise of the first line. It's not that I expected a happy ending, but after the sensitivity of the father, your ending was somewhat of a shock.
By all means, keep writing and sharing. If you continue on with this one, please let me know.
Again, thank you for the review request.
Connie
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
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. Thanks for sharing this and thanks for the excellent writing.
Your title - Suitable title, lets me know what's coming.
The flow of your poem - I read your poem aloud and enjoyed the lilting cadence of it.
Your poem's tone - I like the humorous tone with the hint of irony at the end.
Your choice of words - Good rhyme and I especially like "egress" and "fisting" 
Your imagery - Good visualization all the way through.
although I suspect this is an impossible goal. Kitties do wander if let outside, and who can blame them?
, but I did see some expressive faces through your words. Usually I just think of tail wagging. Now I have some lines to go with those sad brown eyes and that bull-doggish mouth and those pricked-up ears.