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327 Public Reviews Given
432 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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101
101
Review of The Dance  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, I love how the whole life is intermingled into one dance.
You captured the emotion perfectly, as well as the feeling of being trapped.

The only thing I would continue working on some of the phrasing because there are a few spots that tripped me up a little when I was reading it and interrupted the flow a little. I think this poem is definitely worth keeping on with some minor revisions becuase it is very good. I have some that I just read over every week or so and I catch something different each time-a word to be added or swapping a three syllable word for a two to make the flow better. I'm not so concerned with meter in general, especially if the message is really good. However, if you mix up the word order to make something rhyme, sometimes it brings the rhyme to the forefront and causes the message to recede a little.

Here are some of the lines that I think could use some tweaking. Again, I loved the poem and the message so don't feel discouraged at all. It was brilliant. Just giving you some ideas to make it more so!



A little girl spinning,
She dreams of the dance.
Cant wait for the beginning, (appostrophe in the word can't)
Of love and romance.

The day soon does come, (the day soon comes - might sound better)
She's given a taste.
The dance has begun,
She finds his embrace.

The band plays slow,
His hands on her hips.
How far will this go?
In love, hers meet his lips. (in love, they touch lips-not sure about this one)

The tempo flips,
They laugh as they spin. they laugh as she spins (might rhyme better)
They kiss and she dips,
Married life soon begins.

The beat keeps rising,
Creating sheer bliss.
The baby is crying,
As they share their last kiss. (they share one last kiss)

At the peak of the dance,
Her man holds no more.
A halt to romance,
She is thrown to the floor. wonderful imagery. A twist to what is expected!

The ballroom then fades,
Life is seen for what it is. (She sees her life , too late)
Too late to fix the mistake she has made, (to fix mistakes she's made)
Now that her life is his. (Now that her live is his to take)

She weeps on the floor,
As she is beaten again. (beaten once again) -"as" takes up syl. w/o adding
He loves her no more, (he's loving her to her death
As new dance begins. his new dance begins)

When it was, she would beam, (when it was??? not sure what this means)
She has lost her romance. (they've lost the romance)
Inside, the little girl screams, (her inner child screams)
This isn't the dance! love this revelation



Please don't think I'm rewriting this for you, I was just giving you some ideas of good and areas to work with. Great job!

SWPoet
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102
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I can picture this town after reading this. I've been to Maine (Camden area) but not Lubec. However, there are many small towns in Alabama that have all but disappeared when a Walmart moves in about 20 miles away. Old plantation like houses next to an operating post office, an abandoned train station and an old one-pump gas station/food mart still open and nothing else for for 5-10 miles. Having been raised in the city, these rural areas, though, are a breath of fresh air (albeit the smell of cows now and then).

Although you speak of Maine, this town could be anywhere and it brings up pictures of the reader's own area. Great job.

Only one type-o/spelling glitch I noticed:

but now seem strait out of history
strait should be straight
103
103
Review of Dibble, Dabble  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I think you are a quick study. That was good. Deep in a simplistic way. You said something in each stanza that made me think and gave reasons for writing.
It also flowed well and the repeating consonant sounds at the beginning was not just for rhyme, it had relevance to what the next two lines said. I really liked the one

Mingle, Mangle
Twisted feelings
Separating real from fake

I was doing a short story yesterday and the night before to turn in last night and it was supposed to be fiction but it turned out to be based on a factual event. I think I was more hindered by trying to make it close to true than if I had just purposely done everything out of my head with no semblance of non-fiction. Sometimes it really is hard to separate fact and fiction and to decide which to select for your piece or in what amounts. I also liked the last stanza. I also write to figure out what I think about something. You made some great points and I can't think of any corrections needed.

Great job.
104
104
Review of Sassy  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
That was sweet. My favorite part was where Sassy was rocking her doll just like she had been rocked. You know she has internalized the good in her new family - so much nicer to see than seeing a child hit their doll because thats what was done to them.

My only comment is to try to use "her" or "she" a little more since you are only talking about one child the whole time. If there were two girls, you would have to say the name more. Maybe it's just the name is a little different so it sticks out more. Also, you could use "her parents" occasionally instead of Buddy and Jeni just to vary things a bit.

(And, it was what my grandmother used to say to me when I was being a smarty pants-not in a good way-so the word really sticks out to me).

Nothing wrong with you calling her that though. It's kind of cute.


Other than using more pronouns, I really liked it. I like how you brought her to an older place and had her talk about liking five but not remembering why. You go through all these emotions because of things the child doesn't even remember and then they wonder why the parents get defensive or over concerned about things - they may not remember but the parents sure do remember.

Just for a little challenge, you could also vary your point of view and have some stories from Buddy or Jeni's point of view using "I" or even "He" when talking from the dad's perspective.

Great start on putting yourself out there. Hope you get some constructive and positive comments.

I look forward to hearing more about Miss Sassy.

SWPoet
105
105
Review of Why and How Come?  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this. I think I like 4 the best too. It give variety to the eyes. Sort of like a 6 yo with a short attention span. It is so sweet and full of wonder. Thank you for sharing it. I can't remember if I sent you a rating yet so here goes. I just sent something to you on the lesson forum but wanted to make sure you got a rating too. Excellent work!

Not only was the subject matter perfectly appropriate for a young child but the rhyme and meter were also excellent.

Write On!
SW Poet

beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo

{}I did this member to member sig for the review in the message forum but I don't think that one{/i}
106
106
Review of Solitude  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a great example of how us parents spent time with kids trying sneak off and check email and then have them gone and spend a grown up night talking about the kids. We are a strange bunch, arent we.

I can't imagine all that time with the kids not here. I need a break but not that long. Wow, her composure and normality when she picked them up was kindest for them so they don't worry about her but it had to take some nerve. You did a good job of showing her emotional process throughout the lull in her life's schedule and role as a parent.

Great job, keep up the writing. I have enjoyed reading this.

SWPoet
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
107
107
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
What a message from heaven. I love Dani's message. This was sad but also tells us that we really do need people and resentment only hurts ourselves. It made me feel for Nina. I thought the line about the fact that others had no idea there was a "shift in the universe", which is no doubt exactly what someone would feel after learning that kind of news. I also liked the short paragraphs and the way everything moved us along to the next point. There were no facts left in that went on a tangent. Everything was there for a reason.

Great job!

SWPoet
beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
108
108
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I loved the momentum in this piece. Its like your groggy and drink a cup of coffee then observe the effects, slowly waking you up. Only the caffeine is really the momentum of creativity.

The comparison is really good. It gives credence the writer's need to write some every day whether we feel like it or not. We never know when our sleepy attempts start a wheel moving that ends up being a first rate piece.

When the muse is singing, sing out loud with her or else she might sit out the song.

I also like version 1 the best. The lines look much more uneven and distracting when centered. Anyway, with all the motion in the piece, you need a place to anchor your eyes or you would get dizzy. (I mean this in a positive light). It would be like being on a sit n spin going one way while the room moves the other. Good choice to do left align on that one.

My favorite part was at then end when you show you and the windmill with outstretched arms. Embracing your creativity, I think.

I enjoyed this very much. 5 for excellent comparison and momentum and for making me feel dizzy. I love poems that make me feel something.

SWPoet

beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
109
109
Review of Meat and Potatoes  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cubby,

I like 3 and then 4 best. Despite having an English major, I had a hard time deciding if you use is or are after meat and potatoes because I think of them here as a single dish, not two different things. In version 3 and 4, is was out and it didn't matter. I like the rhythm better on 3 and 4 becuase you took a few words out here and there and it "sang" better.

I loved the part about the utinsils (and marriage).
You hit it all, sour, sweet, salt, knives, all are included in a good marriage (as long as there's balance). Great job. Fun, wasn't it?

The only part that I saw that seemed to slow the rhythm or pattern was this stanza:

Dessert lays patient
like the calm before
the storm as hungry
taste buds roar
close by their prey.

I think just a slight change in which line a word sits on would help
like:

Dessert lays patient
a calm before
the storm as hungry
taste buds roar
closing in on prey.

I think I took out your simile, sorry 'bout that but it sort of turned into a metaphor: Dessert;(is)a calm before the storm.

This all about rhythm, not content. Cool poem. Made me hungry.

Great Job, thanks again for participating.
110
110
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cubby,
I absolutely love this last stanza. I am at a close tie between 1 and 2-I like the shorter lines. It give a vertical illusion like a string from kite to flyer. Wow, I just really like those last few lines.

But mostly
what I need
is just to see
a lonely kite
demanding
to be free.

Great job on both poems. You certainly rose to the challenge. I know it's hard because, as I think about it, there are very few differences between irony, compare/contrast, and simile/metaphor. All in all, you are still comparing one thing to another. There is just that subtle difference that makes each unique (sort of like people-different, yet the same).

Look forward to seeing your next one.

SWPoet
111
111
Review by SWPoet
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I wish I found this a few weeks ago. I mainly do poetry but I branched out and tried a children's book, my first foray into fiction really. Anyway, I'll admit it needed some work but if I were new at this and it wasn't a request for tough reviews, it would have been much rougher. Even if you ask for it and welcome the advice, its still tough.

What got me into this site and really, really helped was the wonderful comments and understanding ratings I got in the first few weeks of joining WDC. It jump started me and I have done more writing in the past six months than ever. To me, if it is a 5, I probably shouldn't mess with it too much. If it is a 4.5, I need to tweek it a bit, a 4 means good message but work on the words, meter, or just cut it a bit (little more work). I can take a hint, so anything less than a 4 seems a little harsh. I know that isn't the "editors version of tough ratings" but it works for me. It is funny when you get a 3 and five 4.5s or 5s, you wonder who is fibbing. It does tricks with your mind.

Anyway, great piece and it did make me feel better. Thanks!

SWPoet
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Review of America's Dream  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'll be short this time. It was a scary thought. I will confess-when i saw fantasy on the title explanation, I thought it was a fantasy genre piece. Anyway, this was my last to read but not least. I just hope we have a chance to prove ourselves and maybe backlash from the current system will make our country Wake Up!. Well, very good work. I enjoyed them all. Didn't plan to do a port raid but I just kept enjoying your work and was curious to see more. Thank you for a thoughtful night of reading. I enjoyed every minute of it.

Keep up the great work!
SWPoet
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Review of Semper Fi  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
My favorite line:
The line about prostitutes being the ones in Washingon DC. I almost fear the gov. makes the military prostitutes. IE, we give you educ. fund and you give us your sanity, we give you structure and a career, you give us your chance of getting a job after you're out and have PTSD, we give you health insurance, and you give us your lives. I don't at all begrudge folks from entering the military, though it is buyer beware and the risks are in fine black ink. I just think they should come out with good, solid prospects for jobs, QUALITY mental and physical health care, good insurance, and some remaining sanity in knowing that they fought for a greater good (great than ....oil).


Anyway, your poetry does get me on my soapbox. I am so sorry. I usually don't write so much on a review. I loved the poem and I am so glad you got your dad talking about it.

My step dad was on C-130's based in Tan Son Nhut in during Vietnam but also was a 4 year old learning to count by watching bombs fall during the Nazi occupation of Holland (living in Gouda) during WWII (and he can talk about the latter, not the former). Go figure.

His middle son was in the Marines (luckily has a security job and insurance from that company) and youngest was in Air Force (both in and out between the two Gulf wars, luckily)but the youngest has problems after problems with having to have disc surgery at military hospitals and having it all screwed up-got more metal in his back than needed and he is only 37 yo.

well, again, sorry so long. Take care and hope you had a great Easter (if that is your tradition).
I have enjoyed your port. I will stop back by from time to time.

SWPoet (gps for putting up with my soapbox (and for great poetry).
114
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amen.

I would love to read your bio. Your poetry has left me with questions. Are you Native American? or is Kentucky like Alabama where I live-everyone has some Cherokee or Creek or something like that in the bloodline. Anyway, your poem reminded me of the song ("One Tin Soldier")in the movie "Billy Jack" where all these Indians were killed because the "white man" thought they had gold under a rock on top of the mountain and all that was under the rock was a message "Peace on Earth" or something like that. Isn't it sad that people won't just try to see different folks as having the same wants, fears, needs, as anyone else and the color of their skin or where they came from does not make them less human.

I'm a social worker married to a republican car dealer (the proverbial foot in two different camps but my heart remains with the underdog and God forbid I ever lose that). Drives my husband crazy but I was almost 30 and just like this when he married me. No false advertisement here (though he's the same so I have no excuse either). Just goes to show you can love someone despite the differences.

Take care-sorry for the book I just wrote. It was over 1500 char. but I cut some. LOL.

You did a wonderful job and, if I thought I could make it better, I might have had a suggestion but It was just fine the way it was.

Anyway,
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Review of Aptitude  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this, though I am wondering if it was just accrostic or if there is an additional rhyme scheme. I thought it was cool-haven't done these yet but I might try. The last four lines sound like ADHD (can relate) and were my favorites. The line for perception and aptitude seemed to be separate, like they also needed the short 3-5 word saying at the end rather than just four words on perception.

When I think of perception, I think of how we think we see one thing in someone and don't really try to figure them out because we "think we know them". We usually miss out getting to know someone b/c we perceive based on our own preconceived notions. Don't know how to put all that in 3-4 words, though.

A ptitude is attitude, if optimistic and aware
P erceptions, assumptions,truth missed if not a care

Just thoughts to ponder. Really, it was good as it was but those things, I think, would equal out the poem and raise the rating some. The rest-from T down-Perfect and I loved Aptitude is attitude-that is very true.

Great job. Keep up the good work.

SWPoet
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I think this is a love poem-a man's love for the land and the animals he raises. I really like the sentence you borrowed. You managed to fit it in without it being awkward and obvious, by using the same rhyme scheme and flow also was similar. My favorite of your lines was the one before the quoted part. The fact that, as tough as it is, he will always get more than what he gave because he gets the freedom from the rat race. Sounds nice, actually. Great job.

SWPoet
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
In my job, I am amazed at the amount of parents of children in the system who have, themselves, been molested. It never ceases to amaze me how far reaching and damaging sexual abuse can be, stretching many generations. It is a shame that if you have a finger cut off and loss of it will effect your work future, potential earnings lost can be calculated and awards given in court. However, there is no telling what kind of potential is squashed or diverted by this form of abuse and rarely does it even reach the courts (and if so, like you said, the kids are often blamed or discounted).

All I have to say is that your poem was well written and says what needs to be said. Write on, write it out, people need to hear your voice. Take care of yourself, you ARE worth being listened to!!!!.


There is a group on this site that you might be interested in. I will send a separate email with a contact name. Again, take care and keep up the great work.

SWPoet
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for entry "Avoiding Goobledygook" 
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love it! I work at a state welfare agency. I think they could save a lot of money cutting out half the words in the policy change "packets" we get almost weekly. It's better than Ambien for sleep. That should tell me something. I don't want my writing to put people to sleep or make them crosseyed with confusion and boredom. Unfortunately, I see myself in some of those comments-like "due to the fact that" (more in my family summaries at work than my own writing but it is something to watch as gobblygoop could slip through).

Thank you so much for your excellent reminder to KISS (keep it simple, ...sillygoose)-my 6 yo says "stupid" is a baaad word. Your points were well made.

SWPoet
119
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I love the way you and your family have an acceptance of the flow of life. It truly gives your daughters the permission to laugh, cry, and just be rather than developing hangups and fears of life and death. It is truly a gift to give your children balance and a sense of humor about life and death. I enjoyed reading this and I'm so glad your feelings about your mother's choices in life didn't cloud your sense of closing a life in a way that celebrated your mother's spirit, rather than her choices or behavior later in life. We really are more than our actions.

Thank you for sharing such an emotional series of moments.

SWPoet
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Review of Behind it All  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
Isn't that the truth. I love the part where you write

You won’t find anything
Worthless enough
Worth hiding for

That was the most profound part of the song. It amazes me that girls 100 lbs sopping wet are feeling fat and trying to hide everything from imaginary hips to sexual abuse to feeling dirty to feeling like the ugly duckling of the family, etc. So much of what they think is wrong with their body is really in their mind, not the body and no amount of bling is going to cover up what the mind won't change. This is a really good message and very true. Thank you for sharing.

See, Now that is a poem with music. Great job. Knew you could do it!. Write on!

SWPoet
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Review of My Last Child  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (5.0)
My two year old (last child of two) is just like that. Wow, it gives me an appreciation of him as a unique human being. I had a dog first, loyal and loving and open and the second, a cat who, like you said so eloquently, his smile is a prize to be won, not lightly given. They are so different it is amazing that the same two parents raised the two children. Anyway, they are ours but they arent, are they. Sort of on loan to us to get them to 18 without them getting pregnant, doing major bodily harm to themselves or others and hopefully learning something about life in the process.

I really loved this piece. Thank you for sharing.

SWPoet
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Review by SWPoet
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Reading your piece made me realize how grateful I am for this site. I know very few people who are into writing in my community, job, family but I can hop on this site and share my writing, read others and really get genuine feedback from people who know only what I write. Thank you for the wonderful writing and for reminding me to appreciate this opportunity.
Cudos to you!

SWPoet
123
123
Review of Discover  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I get that. Sometimes people can help another person to death, mainly to make themselves feel better. I guess we do need to examine our own motives before we stretch out a hand. That was a very good point you made. Keep up the writing. People need to hear what you are saying.

My only suggestion: Clarify these three lines (maybe add another that will tie them together)

While people had a lot to say
It took me awhile to discover
While I used my smile as a cover

I got the point of each line separately but wonder if it was missing a line that could help tie them together more.

SWPoet
124
124
Review by SWPoet
Rated: E | (4.5)
I would love to know more, such as what happened when you started talking to his friend. You touched on it but I wondered if you upset the boyfriend by talking to his friend, ?? Anyway, I like it-just would love to hear more. It might enhance the work by clarifying but it's good as it is too.
Great job.
SWPoet
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125
Review of Love Bottled Up  
Review by SWPoet
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow, didn't expect that ending. I smiled though. Good for Anthony to find a connection before he left the world. We should all be so lucky. I like your ending (sad as it was). Other than needing to do a spell check and to check for correctly spelled words that might have typos (wall instead of will, etc) , you did a great job. Way to go!

SW Poet
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