This is a good piece about how a person tries to reach out to that special someone in their life, someone who doesn't seem to others like s/he would be all that special based on the impressions given here, but nevertheless, someone who seems to be everything to this girl.
Suggestions:
--Work on the rhyme scheme, as it is not consistent. The ABCB chorus doesn't match the other stanzas, which in themselves do not wholly match each other. The first part of the first stanza does an ABAB rhyme scheme with each subsequent couplet rhyming with each other. The remaining stanzas follow the pattern of successive couplets rhyming, but in several instances, the word you put at the end of a line either A) does not rhyme or B) is not truly the end of the line you are writing, so that makes the read awkward.
The rhyming issue is the only real problem I see with these lyrics, though that can certainly be fixed.
This is an incredibly touching piece. You give a lot of humanity and emotion to a subject that is such a point of contention in our society today. There is a lot of love expressed in these very few lines of dialogue between the husband and wife, and the exposition that accompanies the speaking parts is effective in its minimalism.
You have done a good job of packing a lot into this piece of flash fiction, even changing the perspective near the middle so that the person I thought was dying was actually the wrong one. The scene is moving and tender and I like how you let the situation speak for itself, focusing on the couple who are about to be separated. Fantastic job!
I have to admit I am biased in reviewing this one because I am also grateful for moms and the roles they play in the lives of their children. They are definitely blessings from God as you demonstrate here, what with their nuturing capabilities and such. They are powerful role models for us when we are kids, and I expect they have a rough job sometimes, so they deserve our gratitude.
Corrections:
--Line 1: There ought to be two dashes between the words woman and mom because there is a pause and you are trying to draw extra attention to the word moms. You might also consider using a colon.
--Line 2: "b" needs to be spelled out as "be"
Oh my gosh! I didn't see this ending coming, although it makes complete sense! Wow, this is going to shock some readers, but more than likely it will cause them to laugh like I did. I like the details you use to build up to the ending. It helps to set the tone and create an involving atmosphere. And the fact that this is so succinct and isn't bloated with unnecessary language helps keep the reader engaged for the few sentences that encompass this little tale. Well done!
This is a really heartfelt piece that speaks volumes about the amazing love of God and the fact that we can have a relationship with him. Your questions are not revolutionary in terms of how people perceive God, but they are quite important and valid. Have you ever stopped to just try and wrap your mind around the notion of the perfect love He has for us? It's just so otherworldly that sometimes it feels like it can't be real!
You do a great job of balancing the seemingly unreal nature of God's love and relationship with us against the unworthiness we often feel because of our fallen nature. I like how you juxtapose a believer's efforts to be faithful to God until their death with the fact that we can be thankful that Jesus did not remain dead but instead rose from the grave.
An inspirational piece which, though a bit repetitive, encourages the reader to progress rather than regress or remain stuck in the past. Indeed, we all ought to take the things that have happened to us, learn from them in whatever ways we possibly can, and then move forward in the knowledge of what these things have taught us...aware of the past, but not dwelling in it.
Has everything indeed been done before? Can we really create anything new these days? I'm not sure I entirely agree with the perspective you flesh out in this piece, but I certainly see your point. It is an interesting idea that the muse might be rather fond of living by the sea. I've never thought of that possibility before as I've always subscribed to the idea that inspiration can be found anywhere, but reading that it might enjoy a specific locale is an interesting bit in this piece.
This is a sad piece. You capture very well the feelings of abandonment that can come from one person leaving another, and perhaps the person who is leaving is completely unaware of how painful this is for the other person to deal with. I like the bit about the narrator not regreting loving the other person...love should be celebrated even if things don't work out because at least you got to be in that position once.
Suggestion:
--"the cries of wanting you gets louder" This should say "get" rather than "gets."
This is honestly the first college admission essay besides my own that I have ever read. It's kind of interesting to see what someone was thinking when they responded to whatever generic question the institution posed to them in their application packets.
I like how you encompass the nature of Rotterdam in your description of its youth, how they appear one way in public because it is cool, and yet live a completely different way when they are home.
Also of interest to me was your mention of the fact that you do not see writing as a craft that you can perfect, but rather something that you must always work at as both you and the writing evolve. That is a fantastic way to view it.
This is an interesting poem to read. The similes are a mix of the familiar (wine) and the creative (the one about drums is a first for me), and offer varying reasons for their comparisons to the love you have for this person you speak of.
Suggestion: In this instance, "days" is actually "day's."
I like the feel and subject of this poem, as it is natural to think upon someone who has passed on and yet meant so much to us while they were still alive. Love and memories are what keep them closest to us even though they are gone from this world. I like your approach to all of this, how you don't really even see your grandma as being gone, just in a different place.
Parts of this poem are written in an awakward manner though as you try to maintain a rhyme scheme. Some of it feels forced and disrupts the flow. The first two lines have extra beats compared to the rest of the poem, so it just makes the poem slightly uneven.
The last line doesn't quite work either, because the word "you" is not clear enough. The poem is directed toward the grandmother, but this sentence would seem to indicate that this feeling goes to a place that the living cannot see, so the subject of this sentence needs to be clarified in some way.
I am glad you have found this website and I hope that many folks will take the time out to help you learn to write English better here.
Some suggestions:
--Remember that periods are used to end a sentence and begin another. For instance, in the fifth, sixth and seventh lines of your essay here, you could write it like this: "I'm Taiwanese. My official language is Chinese. Maybe I will make a lot of mistakes writing this, but I want to improve my English writing skills. I sincerely hope that people will make suggestions which will help me to write better.
--English is different from some other languages because of the way the sentences are often constructed. For instance, your comment, "the first time of budget trip," should more likely read like this, "my first budget trip." You can simply combine the fact that it's your experience and it's the first one for you. Hope this helps.
I like that you create meaning in such a short poem here. This person's voice is beautiful and pleasant, something that draws the narrator towards this other individual. The narrator longs to follow the voice until s/he finds the person who is speaking, and whether it be because this person is a friend or a lover, the ending is a good one.
Nice, short, sweet and to the point. You are really crazy about this gal! Indeed, life is better when you have someone to share it with. Most people are not meant to walk this earth alone and the joy you have in being with this girl is all the more poignant because of that. I only wish I knew what you were saying in that one line where you write something in a different language, ha ha!
This is a very calm, enjoyable piece of poetry. One can easily hear the sounds of the waves and the excited kids on the shore, see the sunset in the distance and smell the salty ocean water in this piece. As a series of snapshots in one's evening, this is very effective.
Suggestion: "The knowing of complete happiness" This is an awkward line because of extra words or tense. Perhaps "realization" would be a better word to use than knowing.
Wow, this is a powerful poem. The tone goes along in one direction and then suddenly shifts to a different gear for the final stanza. The best part about that however, is that the sudden shift makes all the sense in the world and isn't simply done for shock value. It works.
You do a good job of bringing the reader into the moment and experiencing the narator's thoughts and feelings. Good work.
This is a fantastically languid piece of prose. You really made me want to go to wherever this dreamy place is. The sounds, the landscapes, the warmth--I was experiencing all of this in your wonderful descriptions: colors in the sky that look like water paint, grass that feels like silk, a chill as the woccasional bit of wind comes...this is quite the picture.
Two suggestions:
--You might want to spell out 5-acre instead of using the number
--It seems like "maidens" might have been a better word to use instead of "maids" given the nature of your piece.
I imagine that most of us know people whom we haven't seen in some time for one reason or another, and hopefully we wish them the best despite having no clue what they've been up to. This story gives me that sort of vibe because of how fantastical it sounds. A parent who has abandoned their daughter twelve years earlier speaks of her being hit by a car without injury, of being fed without eating, of publishing a book though the child never knew it was a profession...this seems like a very hopeful piece, and that is good to see.
Some suggestions:
--Re-organize this story so that it has paragraphs and the appropriate separation of text whenever dialogue occurs. The exchanges between the parent and the students toward the end, for instance, would read better if put in quotations and such.
--"a brave girl a very brave girl" needs to have a comma separating "girl" and "a."
--"Landed to a class of..." This story seems to be oral rather than written, so you might try saying that a student heard this story and told it to everyone else.
--The point of view is confusing because for a long stretch in the middle, it appears that the parent is telling the reader the story of the girl, but then the story breaks down at one point and we sudden;y learn that a student has really been speaking to the teacher. Try denoting earlier on that the child is telling the story to the parent.
--When putting sentences in quotes, as you do in the beginning, only put a period at the end if you don't continue the thought outside the comment. Your quotes at the beginning as they currently stand, would need to have commas at the end instead of periods.
Wow, I take it you really don't like the smell of vinegar! *biglaugh* This is an interesting and very odd little piece because at first it appears to be about whether this was a dream or a vision, but in the end it's really about...vinegar. You can't say that about too many written works these days. I like the memories this smell brings up in your piece.
Suggestion: "The clock read 12 after 4." Simply stating that it's four-twelve would probably be better.
This is a fall-down funny piece of poetry here! I like how different four-line stanzas are used to wax philosophical about the sort of man she may end up marrying. It's all just done so well and the way the lines roll off your tongue (and yes, the implication here is that this poem deserves to be read aloud) with the whole ABBB rhyme scheme is excellent too. I like the last stanza--it makes a great punchline. Fantastic job!
This is a nice reminder of just how great the sacrifice of Jesus was and is. He didn't just die for all of humanity, he died for you, me, our parents...his sacrifice is individual-applied to each and every one of our lives. It's a picture of his love for us, that by his grace we can have life...we've done nothing to deserve this which is why the gift is so great. Nice piece.
This is an unusual piece. Great imagery and sense as you paint these pictures that we can engage in in various ways. The dark figure is a strange one...a creature of unimaginable spite searching for truth.
Some suggestions:
--Watch the tense at the end...you suddenly move to the past from the present and it doesn't seem like that's what you should be doing. Considering chaging "had" to "has."
--"Engulfs the shadow and it's breath." Change it to "its."
--"its self" is actually one word.
This sounds like a first love kind of situation and so it is sweet in a way. Oddly enough, this isn't just another poem though about this guy being all you can think about, but rather, you are sending up a prayer of thanks and request for this guy who is in your life. That is a unique approach and refreshing to see.
Suggestions:
"And now Dear Lord, its my intent" I would uncapitalize "Dear," plus "its" needs an apostrophe. I would also uncapitalize "Thank You" in the next line. Good job.
This is an interesting little piece about the bond between little brothers and older sisters. I am sure older siblings across the world have felt like this multiple times, that the younger child can be so annoying sometimes!
One suggestion: be careful with your spelling and contractions. In a lot of places you typed "out" when it should have been "our," "lightening" when it's lightning," "your" when it's "you're." Just some things to be on the lookout for. Good job.
This poem is kind of funny...as though admitting to liking chocolate this much is a deep, dark sin or something, ha ha! You mention different sorts of chocolates, which makes for good comparisons and variety, though I was sorry to see that you did not include Ghirardelli chocolate--the best stuff on Earth! Anyhow, aside from that, this was fun to read. Good job.
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