|Greetings Steven Jackson ! I am sending you a review of your story, "General Fiction Sample #1" . This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.
WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS ITEM:
This is my way of welcoming you in Writing.Com. I have seen you in the "Newbies Academy Registration - OPEN" and have read the jacking of threads.
Anyway, although the title of this item is not an attention grabber, I chose to review this because of its brief description.
Honestly, the first part of the story did not work well for me. I can't find the significant role of the pitter, patter. I tried to read it without pitter, patter and seems it will work, though, still not on its best.
However, at the middle part of the story, when Isaac came closer to Jonathan, the drama has begun. I read it without blinking my eyes so to catch the scenes you were showing.
You have at least a sign of a writer who can show the story though not perfectly yet. Well, it would come out naturally on you as you continue on learning the craft. As for me, up until now, I am still working on that area. I tend to just tell a story without much moving pictures that a reader can see. Good for you that you have this talent. You would most likely improve by continuing to write and have it reviewed here in WdC.
Okay, I just said earlier that pitter, patter on the first part of the story didn't not work for me. But, when you've used it near the end of the story, I said to myself, "Ah! This is the redeeming part of pitter, patter." It has become so essential that without it, the scene of Jonathan embracing Isaac, his dog, will just be a plain picture of release and reunion.
I just thought now, while writing this review that maybe instead of using onomatopoeia words for rain to set the setting, why not try to describe what's happening around and then say something also about Isaac, the dog, barking randomly outside the house? Just a suggestion.
From the start, you have established the Jonathan character as alone, old, and a man in bitterness. It was consistently portrayed and built up through the sudden rage at the behavior of his dog. Your character although not something unforgettable can still have impact to readers who are also on the same plight. The change of Jonathan after releasing his repressed emotions have in the end created a story arc. However, for me, it would still need more concrete resolution to make it as unforgettable.
In one of the dialog, err...monologue, I noticed that you have capitalized all letters. I hope to pass on to you what I have learned from the other reviewer. I was told not to capitalize the letters to emphasize a scene or an emotion. Let the words express it.
POINT OF VIEW:
Use of third person works for the story.
NUTS & BOLTS: These are odds and ends that I present for your consideration. My goal is to help make your writing stronger, but it is up to you what will work for your story.
Although, I have included my suggestions in almost every area, I want to point out here some more for improvement.
1. He watched his every moment movement from his foot stomping
2. Adverbs like quickly, playfully, hesitantly, begrudgingly, immediately, proudly. From what I have learned, somehow these words lessen the drama in a story and so it was suggested to rephrase a sentence without using adverbs.
Example: and Jonathan immediately
turned bright red. He kneeled knelt
down and patted his knees, attempting to cover up his outrage with a gentle smile = and his face turned red. He covered his outrage with a gentle smile while kneeling down and saying, "...."
Link for further info: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...
3. From the corner of his eye(,) he spotted
The build up of character is something that cannot be ignored: From being disturbed from sleep to becoming irritated to the dog and the sudden fit of rage ending in the will to change. The scenes with rain as background added life and meaning. I can imagine that this idea would even presented well if given the chance to learn more the techniques and devices in writing.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have also learned from your writing.