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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (4.0)
I admire you that you're able to mourn through a poem. I couldn't do that. I wish to write something but I couldn't. My HTB passed in July. It's very painful. No one's ever prepared when death comes. It leaves a wound that will seem remain fresh forever.

Peace be with us.

Candy

By the way, welcome to Writing.Com.
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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yay!
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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Doremi!

I'm so sorry. It took me this long to send you my thoughts about your story. Here's my review on "Chapter 1 Beginings.

But please remember that I am not a professional reviewer. I am still in the process of learning the trade of writing.

Writing Style and Theme:

I liked how you intertwined the settings, the emotions, concerns, and thoughts of the characters to send to the readers the message of what's happening to the people in a poor condition.

Your writing style could make the readers be emotionally attached to each of the characters. Maybe because you've made them alive whenever you tell us their values in life. And how events try to break it.

This reads like I am listening directly from an elderly person who would want to teach a nice lesson to his or her children through the story of Jesse and his family.

Flow of the story:

You try to keep the readers interest by leaving out some details and then slowly unveiling it through the process. I noticed this on how you introduced Cecily's character. I like it. It did not hamper or slowed down the flow of the story. It was just right and effective.

Because of this, as a reader, I was eager to follow the decision that Jess, Cecily, or Lilian would take considering their difficult life.

For edit:

Or was it innocent? ---> Or was it innocence?

By the way, I also like this part because it subtlely shows the difference between ignorance and innocence. It made me think. *Smile*

What else?

Your story was written in the third person. However, at the end of the chapter, there was the one statement that was in the first person, the storyteller's voice. My initial response was, "Why it suddenly appear there?" But after a moment, I thought of how this story would develop. But all the other chapters seem not to be accessible right now.

I think I've read some of the other chapters before but have not finished it.

Anyway, Doremi, thank you for sharing your story with us. I learned some important values in life from there. Stories like this, to me, is priceless.

I hope you are doing fine.

Happy writing!

Candy

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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's nice to see The prodigal son returns 2020. 's Dragonia here.
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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings QueenElizabeth ! Congratulations for winning the Candylerra package in the "The WDC - Anniversary Raffle Party. *BigSmile* This review is part of the goodies included in that package.

But please be aware that this review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.


*Bulletg* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS ITEM:I was intrigued by the title ""GO RUN DOWN THE STAIRS!". Who said that line? and Why?

When I read the short description, I reacted like, "An argument over lettuce? That's insane! But an after thought reminded me of the times that I also had this kind of squabble with my siblings and friends.


*Thumbsup*WHAT WORKED:I liked how you've woven a story about arguing over lettuce. Choosing the character of a brother and sister with their own physical limitation makes it delightful to read.

Writing it in the first person perspective also worked that it read like coming from a real experience of the author.


*Bulletg*NUTS & BOLTS: These are odds and ends that I present for your consideration. My goal is to help make your writing stronger, but it is up to you what will work for your story.

I understand this item was submitted for the contest that could have a word limitation. Without this restriction, here are my thoughts for improvement.

1. I think there is a need to show the build up of anger of the brother so it wouldn't read jumpy at this part.

2. I wish the conversation has more inputs like shooting words of fire to each other until it showed the irritated exchanges between the siblings.

3. I could picture the characters in my mind with the given description, but they were like paper dolls to me. It lacked a filling. Maybe the reason was because it needs more feelings in the way it was written.

*Starg*OVERALL IMPRESSION: Some say that a good story inspires the reader. I was inspired. I had actually thought of a new story out of your work. So, for a newbie, this is a good start. With some tweaking, it could be as more entertaining and influencing.

Toast for your story!

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Review of The Bridge  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Chris24 ,


I thought of sending you a reward for a job well done on the first step of the NAG Orientation Program. However, you can't consider this review coming from a professional writer. Just a review from a buddy. *Bigsmile*

So here I am. I browsed in your port and read some interesting stories. This is one of my favorites. You know why? Because it hit the truth about living our life.

Your story is one example that fiction is responsible to the truth. I've learned this maxim in one of the creative lessons I've attended.

"The Bridge is engaging. The dialogues are enough to reveal and create the smooth flow of the story. But there's one I had wished it was written in a different manner: the introduction. Maybe making Roger hanging on the bridge while he scanned for the last view he could have would be more interesting and would create a suspense feeling, an instant connection of the reader with the character.

Hmmm... what else? What about using an em dash on this sentence?

I stepped down off the edge that daya changed man.


I think these sentences have to be inside the quotation marks. Right? I tried to change some words but not to mean it's the best. The thing is I am thinking if saying I'd lost so much is needed to be expressed. I think it can be implied.

“That’s just the icing on the cake! My wife and son... I lost them in an auto accident, my business from the depression, my house and savings from piling bills."


What do you think?

That's all for now. Will visit in your port again.


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Review of Hot and Cold  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, JessCarsen !

Welcome to Writing.Com!

You may have wondered receiving a fan'd notification from me. I've actually explored in your port and smiled reading from your items. Anything about relationship interests me, especially the males perspective on it.

By the way, in case you read this review with difficulty, I'm sorry. English is not my native tongue, so please bear with me.

"Hot and Cold is my favorite. You have described perfectly the female's inconsistencies in a relationship while expressing the male's reactions on this. I really love it!

The only suggestion that I could extend to you is on the last verse, third line. However, I also copied and pasted the last line for clarity purpose.

I've made so many excuses for you, but, hey,
I think it is now time to walk away.


Hey is an interjection which needs a comma after it. I noticed that you used a comma before but, so I knew you're following the comma rule of putting a comma before a coordinating conjunction followed by a clause. In this case, hey is in the middle of the sentence which needs to be encapsulated by a comma.

I hope I have made myself clear.

Honestly, I could really hear from your poem the man's confusion, and I felt guilty about it. On women's behalf, I'd like to say sorry for the confusion. This is how far your poem brought me. And I really thank you for expressing your frustration.

By the way, thank you for fanning me back. *Delight*

Keep on expressing yourself, Jess!

Nice meeting you!

Also, congratulations for being on Newbies Academy Member Showcase!

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Review of The Memory  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Wayne Foster ,

Happy Valentine's Day, Wayne!

This review was supposed to be sent to you last year, but I didn't make it because of some real life issues.

I'm relieved that this item is still in your port. So here's my review.

As you've said, I'd like this poem. Indeed, I did. It brought me back to happenings buried deep within my memory bank.

I remember the slide, the happiness and when it crumbled. Ah, your poem had me regressed. I'm thankful for its effect. *Delight*

There's one thing I'd like to point out. It's in verse three, line four. But I copied and pasted its line three as well as it connects to the last line.

We take them all along with us,
and keep them as we grow old.


What do you think of the edit? I thought of omitting and so your comma after us would be justified, and then inserted them to give clarity on what to keep.

However, it's up to you whatever you think is best on this.

The best thing is that you've subtlety directed me to the past and find its value in my present life.

So I thank you!

Keep writing, Wayne!


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Review of I feel you here  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Mina~ !

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm so sorry because it took me months (almost a year, right?) before I am able to send this review to you. Even before our course in the Newbies Academy ended, my life wasn't at peace. So I had to step back from almost all of the activity to give myself time to review and reflect.

Okay, here's my shot on this. But please be reminded that I am not really an expert on this. I can only help you with the reader's perspective.

When I first read your poem, it soothed me. Your poem has a soul that can connect to the reader. If you'll notice in the statistic of this item, I always get back to it just to be refreshed again. *Delight*

But every time I read this, I always stop at this point:

I feel you there when the wind swirls around me.
Making me close my eyes touching your inner soul.


I'd like to ask if you really meant your inner soul and not my inner soul. It sounded off to me if it is you because all throughout the poem the one who affects the me in the poem is the you and not vice-versa.

I also thought of restructuring the verses and omitting some words that seem to obstruct the flow of the poem.

Here's my suggested edit for the poem.

I feel you there,
When the fragrance of the flowers surrounds the clean air,
When the wind swirls around me,
Closing my eyes,
Touching your my inner soul.

I feel you there
When the sun sets beyond the horizon,
Playing a new tune with my guitar,
Singing a new melody.

I feel you everywhere.
No matter how far you are,
My dreams go beyond the line
flowing like a waving sea.

Every moment of my life I can see you there.
in my embroidery,
in the moonlit night,
in the starry skies brightens brightly bright*.


*underlined because I'm not sure if this is right. I think someone good in grammar can help on this.

I hope I did justice on your piece.

Thank you so much for sharing this poem. You didn't know how much this helped me during my life's lowest point.

Keep inspiring us, Mina~ !


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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, Danza !

Thank you for asking for a review on this piece. I understand how much you wanted to share your personal experience to others because I also have the same desire.

But you know what? When I wrote my first story, after listening to others view on how I had done it, I discovered that I held back some necessary details. It surprised me. All along I thought I was transparent and bold, but then I guess the emotions attached to that personal experience distracted me in writing the details and with clarity.

Why am I sharing this to you? I noticed the same struggle that I had in your write-up. The good news is that you have done the first step towards achieving your goal of making this piece as a great testimony, that is when you asked for reviews.

Before I start relaying to you my thoughts about "Family Drama, Angels, and Karma, please know that I only have a limited knowledge on creative writing. But I'll try to extend to you the help and lessons I also received from other authors and teachers.

If I were listening to you in person, I would ask you questions like these: Why did they turn against you and your sisters? What is it that they couldn't accept? What is the war all about? What made you think that you were doing the right thing?

Well, for me answering these questions would clarify each other's side. Then we, as a reader, would be able to identify with the situation of either side--taking note that a testimony can also be an eye-opener to those who are on the bad side.

Also, since I don't know you personally, the phrase Everyone that knows me knows is not enough if you wanted this testimony to be public and not just within your family and friends circle.

However, it is not easy to write a testimony. One has to be willing to be exposed in order to extend the life-changing effect of the experience. There is one way that I'd like to suggest. This may work as a writing exercise. What if you try writing this in a third person perspective?

Somehow, this may help you give the necessary details since you, the main character, will be played by another person. As far as I understand, in a testimony, one has to present how messy and ugly was the situation in order to highlight God's work. So, I think if we could achieve that in our story then only we can say, "Success!" *BigSmile*

I noticed that you already received more than 20 reviews on this. That means a huge of advice. I hope this one will be of help in reaching your goal.

Oh! I almost forgot. I enjoyed listening to the song In the Arms of an Angel. I have heard this song years ago, but I never sought it again not until you mentioned about this and even posted the lyrics. Thank you for sharing this to us.

hApPy DaY,

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Review of The Hiding Place  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Showering Acts of Joy Member to Member Review


Hi, Whiskersinthearchipelago !

It's nice to get in touch with you again. I first decided to check on your port to know you more as my team mate. *Smile*

Here goes my review on "The Hiding Place. I hope you'll find this review helpful.

*Heart*

True, God is the best and safest hiding place: A place where we can face things we cannot face without further harming ourselves and others.

First Paragraph

I liked how you started the hiding place as a child's game. It set me to remember also the time I was playing it. With this, I journeyed with you and shared the same feeling of fulfillment towards the game.

Second Paragraph

Then you followed it with how the grown-up child used hiding from real-life issues. I smiled in agreement that it indeed had become the initial protective instinct of a person (also like me) who had difficulty in facing the self. *Smile* However, how you've written this part was a bit jarring. I think it's in the structure of sentences and some misplaced thoughts. I'd like to show to you my suggestion in this way:

*Cut* *Paste*

Reading the headlines often becomes overwhelming, so I run for mental shelter. Sometimes I feel afraid of myself, so I find trivialities to occupy my mind and my time. I lack so much that I feel a failure. The purely physical act of hiding meant for enjoyment is vanished. There is no element of success in hiding now. I seek failure by hiding. I don't desire failure, but I sometimes feel I have already failed.


You may notice that I have made two sentences into one or cut a long sentence to shorten it. By doing this, as a reader it helped me follow the flow of your idea together with the rhythmic effect of those sentences. I also omitted some words or phrases because it sounded redundant or it lessens the mood it wanted to convey. I also tried to re-order a line of thought to flow with the other line of thought.

I presented my suggestion in this manner so to help me explain what could be the effect if some tweaking were made. (I'm not good in explaining. Sorry about that.)

*Bulletr* "Not good, but a known quantity." I think this is the first catch of this entire reflective writing. I seconded to this statement. It is also a very good ending statement. It allowed the reader to assimilate the content of the second paragraph only to be stirred on the next paragraph.

Third Paragraph

*Thumbsup* The phrases like my method, hiding isn't actually bad, pursuing the wrong kind of hiding served as markers to shake one's mind settled in a known quantity. It made me want to know more what the author would like to say.

Fourth Paragraph

???? I think you meant to say what I need to do instead of what I'm doing wrong. Am I right? The thoughts that followed after this expressed more on the need, so I assumed this must be what you meant.

Last Paragraph

*Bulletr* "by making resistance worthless." This is the second catch for me. As someone very much interested on spiritual things, this hooked me completely. Thus, I enjoyed digesting every thoughts you've presented and moved me to reflect more about the hiding place.

*Stary* Final Thoughts

I love this journey with you through your thoughts about hiding place: from a child's understanding of it to an adult's way of using it up to the realization of God as a hiding place. I used to sing the song You are my Hiding Place, but I never tried to understand it deeper as you did. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us. I felt filled and blessed!

Candy


Team Missy


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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Umbrellab*This is part of your Shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group*Umbrellab*


Hi, DollarDays is painting !

First of all, I'd like to let you know that I am not a professional reviewer. The only thing that I can boast of is my passion in reading a variety of story and looking for some ways to improve it especially when the story's theme interests me.

I hope you'll find my perspective helpful in some ways. Here goes my thoughts:


*Idea* What I liked?

I liked the idea of your story: difficulties experienced by those suffering from Alzheimer's disease.After reading your story, what was left in my memory was the line of Jim, "Where are we going?..." I think that was what you intended to happen to the reader.

While I was reading, I understood that Jim was suffering from an early Alzheimer's symptoms. I was curious about these details, so I searched more on it and confirmed the information I got from your story. This also answered my question on the relevance of attending in the Hands of Grace program for three years. Thanks for your story. I knew only the worst symptoms of Alzheimer's, but now I gained more information about the disease.


*Cut* *Paste* Suggestions for Improvement

Since this story has a limited word count, I guess that was the reason why there were some part that was not explored for deeper impact. However, if you intend to revise this in the future, I have few suggestions from a reader's point of view.

The characterization of Jim reads repetitive. While they were waiting for the prescription, it was already revealed that Jim doesn't like to sit long, then we were told again of the same thing when he was in the church. Another one was that telling that Jim likes children. It was narrated directly and indirectly four times in the story. Although the presentation of his special attention to children varied, I still think that it can be presented in another way, so it could keep the interest of the reader.

I think the character of Marge can still be explored to create a personal connection to the reader. She could have revealed her feelings or thoughts on Jim's situation. I had this idea since she was the first to have said the first line in the story. I was expecting to know more about her but was left dissatisfied with her role in the story.

For sentence improvement:

But if he could, he(,) knew he would enjoy it.

He used to like movies too(.): James Bond.

“Let me help you with that,” he said.(, and h)He bent down to pick up the envelopes.

He looked down at Marge and smiled.(, h)His eyes suddenly wet.


*Starr* Overall Impression

With some editing, this could leave a lasting impression to the reader. Actually, you can make Jim's line famous. *Smile*

"Uhm... What am I saying? Oh! I forgot..."- This was the effect of Jim's line on me. *Bigsmile*


Candy


SAJ
Team Lornda/Team Missy



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Surrender  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*UmbrellaB* This review is part of your shower from "Invalid Item! *UmbrellaB*


Hi, Lt. Storm Machine !

I'm glad to meet you through this review. I chose "Surrender among your stories because Cain name seems to symbolize something. I'd like to know your story behind this name. To satiate my curiosity I ended up wanting to know more about the Cain family.

*Bulletg* The Title

Before I read any story, I reflect on the title first. I am not good in giving title for my own story, so in this way I hope to be inspired from the other writer's idea. Surrender... does this has something to do with the story of Cain and Abel in the bible? Or no relevance at all? The title set the mood of the story, and so I took a deep breath for some kind action that might happen. I enjoyed the two kinds of surrender presented in the story. One is through the surrender commanded by Haller (but I have question regarding this) and the other one inferred through the letter from the High Priestess: The time has come for you to return... Please come to their aidand ours.


*Bulletg*Character/Technique

I liked how you manipulated the physical description of the characters to reveal the setting of the story.It created suspense as to what would happen next when they reach the dais. Even the social level and authority of the main character—the crown princess—was inferred through the physical description.

The names you have chosen for your characters are all meaningful for the functions assigned to them. Raven, Shadow, Jade—all spells actions that would follow once they move. My favorite name here is Shadow. Being the alter ego of Raven, I am eager to know how far she would go throughout the saga.


*Bulletg*Plot/Setting

I also liked how you concocted the surrender event: at the town’s square, the presence of the townspeople, the Marshals, the armed guards then the coming of the "suspected" people. Suspected people—this was my initial guess while they were walking towards the dais. The description of their weapons hinted that an upcoming battle will soon start when they reached the dais. At the same time, I half-expected that peaceful negotiation would be possible by the authority that their movements suggest. No guess of mine was correct. I remember that whenever I can guess what could be the next scene in a movie or story, I would say, "Just the same. Nothing new." The suspense and how the event turned out in the end thrilled me.


*Bulletg* ????

However, I have questions for clarity's sake.

1. Why was Aria or Raven asked to surrender? At first, Ormond Haller said to them to get out of his way for these two women has nothing to do with his business with the townspeople. Even after Raven showed the ring to Haller, there was no indication from Haller of recognizing her as the crown princess, as someone above the commoner, yes. So, I couldn’t understand the ground of Haller for asking Aria and her daughter to surrender on this part. This gray area made his line "Surrender and I will grant you mercy" sounded a bit comical to me.

2. Another question is what’s written inside the brackets: [When/how/why do they receive these??] I thought the explanation beforehand was enough to understand why they have the ring, but when I read this part, I wondered of its significance to the story.


Typo: You have missed to put preposition to on this sentence: “… loyal to the Queen. I mean to you, of course, though you weren’t crowned.”


*Bulletg* Overall Impression

I caught myself asking many questions on the narrative after Raven read the letter: a response from an interesting story. This is one of the episodes or chapters that I've read that attracted me to want to read what happened before this episode.I am also intrigued as to what would happen next to Raven and her daughters. Definitely, I will stand by your port and read the rest of the saga.

Before I end, here's another thing. Most of the time, physical descriptions in a story overwhelms me, but how you've used this technique have encouraged me to also use this approach in my own story writing. I really thank you for sharing this story with us.

Candy

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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is part of your Shower from "Showering Acts of Joy Group



Hi, ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy !

Honestly, I feel nervous in giving review to the first person who had reviewed my first item in WdC. However, I promised to myself that one day I would give time and effort to you when I can understand (at least) how creative writing is crafted. So, here I am.

I chose to review "TWO DREAMERS---TWO DREAMS simply because of my interest in playing piano. *Music2* *Piano* *Music2*

When I read your note at the end of the story that this one was your third short story when you started writing, I browsed again on your port to read more recent items. Your writing have indeed improved! I am impressed *Thumbsupr* and inspired *Star*.

I hesitated to continue on this review, but then I thought that I'd like to contribute for this story. I've tried to analyze your presentation and extracted three parts from it. Here's what I've got and my suggestions.


*Right* *Reading* The first part is about Mrs. Schuster, her achievements, and her health issue.

*Cut* *Paste* The line “unique style for teaching piano without touching the keys” piqued my interest. How I wished you have described more on how she does it. I also thought that maybe you could have described first the unique style on the earlier part of the story, and then showed to us the condition of her hands. The reason behind her unique style.


*Right* *Reading* The second part is about Brett Kensington, his determination to be like his teacher, and his achievements through the help of Mrs. Schuster.

*Cut* *Paste* On this part is the best way in revealing more who Mrs. Schuster was through the admiration of Brett. So, I thought that stating the international performances of the teacher on the first part can be omitted. Else, as it was presented, it sounded redundant.


*Right* *Reading* The third part is about the realization of the dreams of the two dreamers.

*Cut* *Paste* The sentence that started with “He wrote a letter to Mrs. Schuster” could mean that Brett informed his teacher on every detail of his musical journey. I thought that it would be better if this would be rewritten in another way or the word detail (or any relevant word) be used as a keyword since this shows the depth of a relationship formed between the two dreamers. (This is just a suggestion, though.)


*Heart* The sending of letters and recordings appeals the most. The resignation of Mrs. Schuster from teaching while her protégé was on his way to success made me thought of sunrise and sunset. I love this hidden message.

*Heart* The information that performing at Carnegie Hall as the pinnacle excited me. The wearing of the gown, and then the closing of teacher’s eyes (for eternal rest) along with the end of the recorded music showed the best drama for me.


*Thinker* At the end of my analysis, I imagined the story of having it presented through the voice of Brett rather than the narrator’s voice. This idea came up because of the line music as a healer of the soul from Brett's valedictory address. If he's the one telling the story, then maybe this line could have more power as a sub-theme rather than being a line simply narrated. I also thought that it would be great to listen from the story of Brett about her teacher since it could give more emotional impact and personal connection which would certainly glue the interest of the reader. I also noticed that several times I stopped reading and tried to weave the connections of some parts, and so, Brett's narration may also slow down the pacing of the story.

Hmmm... What do you think, ANN Counselor, Lesbian & Happy ?


*Exclaimr* My final thoughts

For me, a good story leaves an inspiration and something to ponder on. Aside from crying at the end of this moving story, it reminded me of my Mathematics teacher who chose me to receive an in-depth math lesson from her. I am also thankful to her for she had helped me recognize my learning ability which would have been impossible without her guidance. Like Brett, this event in my life had left an important landmark along my life’s road map.

I admired Mrs. Schuster’s determination in continuing passing on piano skills despite her arthritic hands. I also admired Brett for his gratitude to his teacher and his continued connection with her.

With all these impressions, your story is truly inspirational. This deserves your editing attention which I am certain that would turn great with what you have now.

I really thank you for sharing this story with us. I'm dreaming that this be seen published. *Bigsmile*


Grateful,

Candy

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15
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Review of STEVE  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello, Word Warrior beating cancer!! !

Welcome to WdC


I found "STEVE when you posted it in Sanita's activity in the newsfeed. I thought of also reading something that will brighten my day, so I chose to read it. In exchange for exercising my face muscle, here is my review.



The Story:  *FlowerY*

The story is mainly driven by the development of the character: attitude, choices, social interaction as well as reactions of person outside the main character’s world. (In case I date with someone who would suggest to take the scenic route, *Rolleyes* I would jump out of the car! *Bigsmile*) Using what could be the typical incidences in a date catches the reader’s attention subtlety. Well, this is non-fiction which can make everyone relates. The progress from the mere agreed date to the build-up annoyance of being with Steve appeals especially to females. Peace to males out there. *Bigsmile*

The theme of (dating) a self-absorbed man in a comedic tone was exemplified all throughout the story. This is a good ice-breaker: something that is worth sharing with a group of friends. *Delight*

My Suggestions:  *FlowerR*

I have just attended the class on punctuation marks. Now, I'm eager to share what I've learned. In your piece, I noticed the same mistake that I did before: the usage of ellipsis dots (…). I tend to use it to emphasize a word or phrase, but from the rules, it is not how to use it. Colon (:) or em dash (—) can do the work.

Here’s my suggestion to improve some of the sentences:

As we rode, Steve did most of the talking...about himself.
As we rode, Steve did most of the talking: about himself.

What should have taken 30 minutes max, took us 2 hours...one WAY!
What should have taken 30 minutes max, took us 2 hourone WAY! (Punctuation treated.)
What should have taken thirty minutes max, took us two hours—one WAY! (Numerals below 100 should be spelled out.)


As for the part of the sentence below, this is my suggestion:

To make a long story a bit shorter...the movie, Dragonfly, was very good...and the return drive home was the same as the drive there...except for the stops Steve made...

To make a long story a bit shorter, the movie (Dragonfly) was very good; and the return drive home was the same as the drive there except for the stops Steve made...

Final Thoughts:  *FlowerY*

You have used fast-paced sentences which go well with its comedic theme: dating with the self-absorbed man. I was all smiling while I was listening from your story. (I listened because you seemed to be just before me while I was reading it.) You could have heard me laughing on every capitalized word. For a brief moment, I went through stereotyping on anyone who named Steve. That’s how well you’ve established the character of Steve. But of course, I have to snap it out. Not everyone is like the Steve in your story.

Also, your story telling has broken my notion of a non-fiction to be a little bit formal which sometimes overwhelming for me. This gave me an idea when I write a non-fiction in the future.

Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.


These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest.

Happy Writing!

Candy  


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Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Greetings Steven Jackson ! I am sending you a review of your story, "General Fiction Sample #1. This review reflects my opinion only, and I am not a writing expert. I do hope you find something that is interesting or helpful to you.


*Bulletg* WHY I AM REVIEWING THIS ITEM:

This is my way of welcoming you in Writing.Com. I have seen you in the "Newbies Academy Registration - OPEN and have read the jacking of threads. *Bigsmile*

Anyway, although the title of this item is not an attention grabber, I chose to review this because of its brief description.


*Bulletg* FIRST IMPRESSION:

Honestly, the first part of the story did not work well for me. I can't find the significant role of the pitter, patter. I tried to read it without pitter, patter and seems it will work, though, still not on its best.

However, at the middle part of the story, when Isaac came closer to Jonathan, the drama has begun. I read it without blinking my eyes so to catch the scenes you were showing.

*Thumbsup*WHAT WORKED:

You have at least a sign of a writer who can show the story though not perfectly yet. Well, it would come out naturally on you as you continue on learning the craft. As for me, up until now, I am still working on that area. I tend to just tell a story without much moving pictures that a reader can see. Good for you that you have this talent. You would most likely improve by continuing to write and have it reviewed here in WdC.

*Bulletg*HOOK

Okay, I just said earlier that pitter, patter on the first part of the story didn't not work for me. But, when you've used it near the end of the story, I said to myself, "Ah! This is the redeeming part of pitter, patter." It has become so essential that without it, the scene of Jonathan embracing Isaac, his dog, will just be a plain picture of release and reunion.

*Bulletg*SETTING:

I just thought now, while writing this review that maybe instead of using onomatopoeia words for rain to set the setting, why not try to describe what's happening around and then say something also about Isaac, the dog, barking randomly outside the house? Just a suggestion.

*Bulletg*CHARACTERS:

From the start, you have established the Jonathan character as alone, old, and a man in bitterness. It was consistently portrayed and built up through the sudden rage at the behavior of his dog. Your character although not something unforgettable can still have impact to readers who are also on the same plight. The change of Jonathan after releasing his repressed emotions have in the end created a story arc. However, for me, it would still need more concrete resolution to make it as unforgettable.

*Bulletg*DIALOG:

In one of the dialog, err...monologue, I noticed that you have capitalized all letters. I hope to pass on to you what I have learned from the other reviewer. I was told not to capitalize the letters to emphasize a scene or an emotion. Let the words express it.

*Bulletg* POINT OF VIEW:

Use of third person works for the story.

*Bulletg*NUTS & BOLTS: These are odds and ends that I present for your consideration. My goal is to help make your writing stronger, but it is up to you what will work for your story.

Although, I have included my suggestions in almost every area, I want to point out here some more for improvement.

1. He watched his every moment movement from his foot stomping

2. Adverbs like quickly, playfully, hesitantly, begrudgingly, immediately, proudly. From what I have learned, somehow these words lessen the drama in a story and so it was suggested to rephrase a sentence without using adverbs.

Example: and Jonathan immediately turned bright red. He kneeled knelt down and patted his knees, attempting to cover up his outrage with a gentle smile = and his face turned red. He covered his outrage with a gentle smile while kneeling down and saying, "...."

Link for further info: http://www.writersdigest.com/writing-articles/by-w...

3. From the corner of his eye(,) he spotted

*Starg*OVERALL IMPRESSION:

The build up of character is something that cannot be ignored: From being disturbed from sleep to becoming irritated to the dog and the sudden fit of rage ending in the will to change. The scenes with rain as background added life and meaning. I can imagine that this idea would even presented well if given the chance to learn more the techniques and devices in writing.

Thank you for sharing your story. I have also learned from your writing.

Happy day!

Candy
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Review of The Wanderer  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Rhyme Scheme: aa/bb/cc/dd/ee,/aa/ff/gg/aa/hh

Am I right to say that this is a narrative poem? I am not keen to know the differences in poems. I liked this poem because it tells a story of a man in the street. It had given me a view of events going on outside of a comfortable life. Somehow this could also be an eye opener on how someone behave towards the unfortunate person on the street.

I noticed a word that needs correction. It is in line seven, the word sole, which I guess should be SOUL.

Thank you for sharing this poem.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Keep on writing!!

Candy


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18
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Review of Tell me Why  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, krussell01193 !

The font color goes with the mood of the poem, sad and angry. Also, I could hear from this poem the longing and questions a child would like to raise to adults like the parents.

How it flows? At the first four lines, it was like trying to start up a gas in a car. The next lines move well that it sounded like the car was moving fast and steadily in a definite direction.

Some corrections:

I wanted to you why, I was so cold = I wanted YOU TO KNOW why I was so cold
you would of thought it was stupid = you would THOUGHT OF it AS stupid
with some excuse = with some excuseS
I was just to much to bear = I was just TOO much to bear

This poem reveals the child's inner struggle and pain in the lost of a parent who is supposed to be the first people to protect, love, and understand. It is full of emotions that one cannot ignore this. So, here I am sending my thoughts about it.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Keep on writing!!

Candy



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19
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Review of Friends  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Roy !

I've read "Friends at random review.

The poem illustrates the joy in the company of friends. The first two lines sounded like jumping with excitement. The third line is like trying to shift the mood in the reminiscing state. The last two lines plays the conclusion.

The fourth line for me does not flow well in the poem as a whole. It is not because it did not match its rhyme to other lines but because it lacks punch to get to the message it wanted to impart.

Overall, as I read this poem, I get the feeling of joy and excitement in the company of a dear friend.

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Keep on writing!!

Candy


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20
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Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, iamsharica_ !

Interesting lyrics. Guess, many teenagers can relate with this song. Bullies are all around now which sometimes the adults get so worried on how to protect their children at this time. Furthermore, most teens now are prone to discouragement so they needed encouragement aside from their parents and guardians but also from their peers.

I like the advises given here such as--look straight in the eyes, don't take it out on yourself, but don't blame it on everyone else--can help as a guide to face situations in a world full of chances.

How I wished I could hear the melody that goes with it.

Keep on writing!

Welcome to Writing.Com!

Candy


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21
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Review of The Yellow Rose  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, StarvingArtist !

I liked how you have illustrated independence through a yellow rose that bloom among red roses. The urge to pluck it meant something as someone hindering one's growth. When in the end it had grown taller than the others, I also felt the excitement to find out what had become of the yellow rose.

Nice poem!

Welcome to Writing.Com!

See you around!

Candy


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22
22
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cute story! *Smile*
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Review of An Honest Answer  
Review by Beautiful Candy
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
OMG! This is the funniest conversation I have ever known. Can I just laugh? hahahaha...hahahahaha...Maybe if this will happen to me, I will end laughing...hahahaha...or maybe I will also end up saying sorry....hahaha!

Thank you for sharing this significant conversation. It really is significant that I won'f forget.

Happy day!

Candy


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24
24
Review of In Rome in1965  
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi, Handle ! The title of your essay caught my attention. Although I wasn't born in the 6o's, I am interested to know how life was on those years.


In your essay I understood that you were trying to tell the events that occurred at the time you've met Loretta. When someone was struck with love, those events do become an important detail of one's life.


I liked your input of each particular events in every places you have traveled. I learned new things from your essay such as Shabbat, Aida and names of some personalities such as Satmar Rebbe and Moshe Sharett. Since you didn't elaborate what Shabbat meant, I googled it and found out that it is Jewish day of rest and seventh day of the week. I also searched about Aida and had a good time reading its synopsis. I thank you for new knowledge I gained.

I had a good laugh on the injection of your amusing thoughts in your writing. There are two that for me stand out. One was when you said about needing subtitles while listening to a Polish refugee. I thought maybe Polish refugee was not aware that some English words he was using were obscene words. The second one was when you said about white-collar, blue-collar, pink-collar and multi-color make-up. *Bigsmile*


I noticed that the way you have written this was in the form of like conversing with someone in person. If I happen to know this information in person maybe I wouldn't have difficulty in understanding some parts of it because I could interrupt you from storytelling so to raise questions for clarification. Like when you start telling on meeting Loretta in Italy followed by several meetings across Southern Europe then jumping on telling about what was happening around you before you left for Europe and this part "I had a chance to get to Europe if I could come up with some money and someone to tag along with,..."--I wish to raise question because these parts confused me to understand the chronological order of events.

Also, the first and last paragraph, although could be the reason for this essay, had become just a two bread sandwiching all the events without blending with the filling. At first instance of reading it, I was left confused why the beginning and the end was like this. Upon reading it on the 3rd time, then only I understood what you were trying to tell. I guess there is need to give more details on the part when you were sending mails to Loretta so to guide the reader that she was always in your thoughts while all these events were happening.


Overall Impression

You have so much interesting information. Honestly, the facts you have told us through this essay made me want to read more stories from you. I just hope this essay could be written down with more clarity. Well, it may take some time to get to that goal but the important thing is: the STORY is already there just waiting to be told in a better way.



Happy to meet you in this way.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Keep on writing!!

Candy
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25
25
Review by Beautiful Candy
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi, Sophy !


I've read "Hospice: It Saved Our Lives at random review. I just can't let pass reading this without expressing my condolence to you.

The loss of a family member is losing an important link in our life. It's good to know that on the process of losing, there were people willing to give support and consolation.

I share my joy with you as your father was prepared and received loving care from you and your family and from the hospice staff. There's nothing more comforting than being surrounded by loving people on the last days.

Peace and happiness to you!

Candy


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