*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/centurymeyer35
Review Requests: OFF
314 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 ... Next
1
1
Review of The Descent  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Ray,

Well this was a cheery start to Valentine's day! *Wink*

First, I want to complement you on this bookending form, ending every other line with the same word (or a homonym of it) with which the line began. I quite like it! I did something similar once, and I know it can be challenging to maintain a narrative while focusing on this mechanical challenge. I think you did it great!

The vocabulary in this is particularly stylized, leaving the reader little room to interpret outside the vision you had while writing. Assuming this was the intent, great choices with most of the words. However, I must admit that some of the words were a bit...trite? Vile, madness, soul... That's just MY opinion.

As the narrative progresses, I see an interesting theme develop. The speaker in the poem is not focused so much on lamenting his destruction or self-destruction as much as he is on realizing an awareness that his emotional and mental turbulence is impacting his control over his behavior and inhibition. This makes him dangerous to those around him, as is summed up in the final stanza. This is a different course than most "madness" poems I have read, and I appreciated the new direction it led me to contemplate.

Nicely done, Ray.

----------------------------------
- reviewed by -

--Boulden Shade (formerly known as Jeff Meyer)--

----------------------------------



---Reviewed for WDC SuperPower Reviewers---
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



*HeartV* *Butterfly2P* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr* *Butterfly2P* *HeartV*
A February
"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group
Raid Review!
*HeartW* *HeartV* *Hug* *HeartV* *Heartw*
*Candy1* *Rainbowl**Rainbowr* *Candy3*


2
2
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Tim,

I always respect someone brave enough to put there spirit on the page. It's like putting your money where your mouth is.

In that being, I liked this poem.

I have some suggestions that you might find interesting or useful in the future a though. Really it's just one suggestion: trim. "Of," "and," "for," "the...". Get rid of as many of these as you can without making the lines gibberish. Leave only the important words. Try it with the first stanza and see how it feels.

Again, just one guy's suggestion.

Keep up the honest writing; it's what makes a Craftsman an Artist.

Jeff Meyer

3
3
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Heeey! I like it!

It took me just a minute to get it at the end--and that's awesome! I like to have to think about a joke or a story for a minute. This was clever in the extreme. I am surrounded by genius in this contest.

Glad I had a chance to read this!

--Jeff Meyer
4
4
Review of The Only Way Out  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Jeff,

That was awesome. You played it perfectly. Good god, a hundred words is a lot harder than one would think! You did it brilliantly. I really enjoyed this!

--Jeff Meyer
5
5
Review of Mystery Woman.  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
FRIENDZONED!

I've been here a couple times. You conveyed the feeling of rueful memory well, especially with the final verse. A suggestion: mind your punctuation. You can really control the reader's flow by using commas and semicolons and colons as opposed just a period, or a comma.

I enjoyed this poem, and look forward to reading more.

--Jeff Meyer


----------------------------------
- reviewed by -

--Boulden Shade (formerly known as Jeff Meyer)--

----------------------------------



---Reviewed for WDC SuperPower Reviewers---
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

6
6
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Harry,

From an early age, my grandmother admonished my brother and me: "Remember, when you're driving a car, you're piloting the nosecone of a rocket." Transpose "rocket" with "bullet." It's a point well-made.

I think your vocabulary was chosen well for the topic and the audience. Keeping it to three stanzas prevents you from falling into my own pit: never. shutting. up. Your sentences are concise but complete--a lesson which I can learn.

I was confused by the rhyme scheme, or lack thereof. There seems to be a lot of flirtation with -ill, -un, and -age. But no particular rhyme structure ever establishes itself. I was wondering if that was intended or just happened that way. Unfortunately for me, i observe the structure at the same time I read the poem, so irregularities like that have a tendency to throw me off-topic a little. Hopefully that's just me, though.

I'm glad I ran across this storoem today. Relevant and insightful, it is a caution to us all that guns are not the only danger on our streets today.


----------------------------------
- reviewed by -

--Boulden Shade (formerly known as Jeff Meyer)--

----------------------------------



---Reviewed for WDC SuperPower Reviewers---
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



7
7
Review of Walk Alone  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dogwood,

One is quickly able to relate to this feeling. Sadly, we have all been there; some of us are still there. Good job clearly emoting the sense of this poem.

Here's a couple of thoughts I had on the mechanics. In the first stanza, to make the structure fit the two following stanzas, consider a line break as such:
Now,
That I have no one.

Also, your images get quite muddled in the second stanza. For instance, "And tonight, leaves to hug myself." I'm not sure if the speaker is wrapping himself in the leaves of nature, or if he is left to hug only himself. The preceding line about shaking rain from eyelids could hint that this poem is about nature and trees....

Aside from a couple of issues as mentioned, I liked you poem about the melancholy feeling that being left behind leaves behind.


----------------------------------
- reviewed by -

--Boulden Shade (formerly known as Jeff Meyer)--

----------------------------------



---Reviewed for WDC SuperPower Reviewers---
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **



8
8
Review of Courage  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Is this before or after you visited the Red Lake?

Ha!

When I review, I read these pieces without looking at the intro or the author. It helps me avoid preconceptions. However, when I saw the ellipsis between the two halves of the poem, I knew it was yours. I like being able to identify an author by his or her style; it's like a trademark. *Smile*

Good job on tense agreement here.

I am curious if these two poems are part of a cycle or independent of one another. Please let me know.

I always try to leave a tidbit of something helpful, so i have a small suggestion--and remember, this is just one writer's opinion. Consider removing articles (a, an, the) from your lines. Find and prune away other unnecessary words as well. Right now, your lines are sentences; but they might have a stronger impact if they were more "poetic." Again, just a thought that I hope is helpful.

Interesting writing, Serena.


--Jeff Meyer

---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---



9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Tim,

There's a lot of complex exposition mixed with imagery in this. I'll admit, it was hard to really identify with. That doesn't take away from the quality of thye thought behind it, which is mature and insightful; it just makes the poem a little hard to access.

This couplet was very strong:
Produce excessive amounts
Of hereditary dishonesty.


Strong thought behind this poem; and I agree.

--Jeff Meyer


---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---

10
10
Review of The Red Lake  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well, that was uplifting...

...said no one who read this.

*Smile*

Just kidding. I like the image of a red lake. In this context, it is original. I pictured a place of blue and grey and black and white, with this one thing--the red lake--having any color. Nice image.

Watch your tense. You wander back and forth between present and past tense. Either this happened, or it's happening. Or there was a turn where it WAS happening, and now it IS happening. Maintain a tense, or change it once. No back and forth. Unless oyur story is about time travel. Then I'm full of s**t. *Wink*

--Jeff Meyer


---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---

11
11
Review of Train to Nowhere  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Marvin,

Well now! Here's a trip that is taken too often.

I thought this started off slowly. But as I read on into the second stanza, I understood why. It has a sad momentum to it, like a dirge.

The last two lines are a terrible, true, heartbreaking summation of the situation. But the line that stood out to me and cut me like a bayonet was: "Or help another soldier die for his." Oh my god. This implied to me--I mean the whole poem did, but this line in particular--how the young soldier or sailor or airman or marine is inculcated into a culture of glorious combat and death--for everyone, friend and foe alike. "Dulce et decorum est," and all that. "Or help another soldier die for his." Crushing line.

Great poem, sir, on a terrible subject.

--Jeff Meyer


---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann

12
12
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Crissy,

Well done! Couple of thoughts form me, though.

This wants to be broken into 3-line verses. In fact, each verse has its own story. Although the form was never intended for it, I have written haiku sequences--a collection of haiku that are collectively a story arc, each haiku being a verse in that story. The acute selection of your words in this piece maintains a brevity and implies a gravity that would fit such a construct. Just one thought from one reader.

Also, the last two lines are a little...I don't know..out-of-character with the rest. "Dainty" seems a little diminutive for the experiences this young woman has survived; and "sanctified" almost implies that she became a nun--or at least found God. But without any other mention or context of faith or religion, it is rather out-of-place.

Excellent demonstration of how the different facets of life vie for the hearts and minds of young people.

--Jeff Meyer


---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann

13
13
Review of my sister  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
David,

First, a disclaimer: my intent is to encourage and (hopefully) help. None of my comments are meant to be discouraging or disparaging in any way.

That having been stated, I'm sure you are sitting back waiting for me to be an a***ole with this review. Well...I'm going to be honest, and I'm going to offer suggestions to the point of seeming intrusive, possibly.

Why? Because this is a strong piece, personal, and important.

But since it is personal, certain changes or suggestions may not be welcome. If not, just close this review and forget about it. If you're still interested in my (arrogant?) opinions, read on!


---@---@---@


Okay, first thing I want to talk about is structure. Two points:

  • Repetition: you have some great instances of repetition in here: "I wait for you...", "I sit and wait...", "I sit..." Also, the repetition of "...not" as the end of a line. In poetry, repetition like this helps the reader reinforce the current stanza or strophe with what he or she has read earlier in the poem. "Oh yeah, he said he 'sits and waits' in the first two stanzas also; his writing right now must reflect a sense of frustration or expectation.' However, the repetition doesn't carry through the whole poem--kind of like a great guitar riff that disappears halfway through the song. My suggestion is that carrying the repetition of these patterns throughout the poem--maybe as the beginning of the first line of each stanza, and the end of the last line, respectively--would give the piece a momentum and rhythm that is missing. In fact, if one reaches a little further, if the end of the poem resolves something like (and this is me being intrusive) "I sit and wait for you/With a smile on my heart/...[some other lines].../I love you, I do./And I always will,/So I will sit here and wait for you.../And I will worry...not." would use the repetition as a contrast to its previous meanings. This contrast closes the circle and helps define the resolution. A lot of poets use this reversal of meaning, and I think you could use this tool to strengthen this poem, as well.

  • Basic structure. Erm...there really is none. And that is not to say that there needs to be. However, I will offer that this poem tends to wander, and that some structure might help it stay a bit more focused. One suggestion would be to pick a form--say, make your verses 8 lines each, with a rhyme scheme of AABAABCC. That's a random example, not a specific suggestion for structure, but I hope you see what I mean. Now, once you have that structure defined, rewrite each one of your stanzas into that structure. This enables you--forces you, really--to omit all the unnecessary articles, adjectives, etc. that make some of your lines too long, some of your line breaks awkward, some of your sentences stilted. OUCH! That comment might have hurt a little; sorry. But the bottom line is: edit and prune this beautiful wild rose bush of a poem into an elegant bouquet.


  • Those are the main points, but there's a couple others I want to make real quick.

  • Most of this is written in the passive voice. Simply stated, it sounds like Yoda wrote it. I would suggest a more active voice. For instance: "then inside my head it begins to pummels" could be stated actively as "it pounds inside my head." It not only reads more smoothly, but it gives the topic passion, gives it momentum, gives it immediacy.

  • You have some tense-agreement issues. Especially in the fourth stanza, where a strange past-perfect tense crops up. Again, poetry written in the present tense--especially emotional poetry--has some of the strongest impact because of its immediacy. The reader is able to put herself in the writer's mind right now.

  • Word choice. Just a couple instances of this. "The worse days of my life..." in stanza four should be "the worst days..." Also, in stanza two, "holy cow" is totally out-of-character with the rest of the poem. Perhaps "cry your frustration at me" or "at my heart" or something like that.


  • So what do I like about the poem? Everything else! We have all been friend-zoned. But not all of us have been able to navigate the transition and maintain the relationship, especially as strongly as you have done. The message is personal, but has strong inspiration for the readers as well. So I think it is an important piece, and definitely worth taking a second look at.

    Again, David, these are all just one reader's opinions. Take the ones that you find helpful (if there are any) and apply them as you see fit. All of the preceding is intended as support and encouragement, and nothing else.

    Best wishes on your writing!

    --Jeff Meyer
    14
    14
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: ASR | (4.5)
    Sonali,

    Bravo on a short, sweet family anecdote. Why bravo? Here's some quick notes on why this worked so well for me:
  • The writing was friendly, familiar. This made it accessible, like you were talking to me at the pub. It didn't read like "writing;" it read like conversation.

  • The writing was concise. Despite the easy, conversational tone, you used mostly simple sentences, which makes the reading easy. Personally, I write complex, convoluted sentences. Mechanically, they are almost artistic in their construction; practically, they are almost impossible to read. *Frown* Your sentence structure is a strength.

  • Your grasp of English makes the reading easy. That sounds almost racially derogatory, but is NOT meant that way. Many of my coworkers live in or are recently immigrated from India. The language accent is legitimately difficult for a westerner to accommodate (and I'm sure the same is true vice-versa). But vocabulary and sentence structure are often the biggest stumbling blocks, and make their writing difficult for me to read. (My friend, Avneet, has actually asked me to help her by correcting the more egregious errors in her writing. So it's not just me! *Wink*) This is all to demonstrate that this narrative could have been difficult or uncomfortable to read. But it flowed excellently, and for that you deserve credit.

  • Again, the storytelling was concise. Only this time, I am not referring to your sentence structure. This almost reads to me like oriental poetry: no tangents (like all of my parentheticals in this review), no unnecessary adjectives and adverbs--yet it still maintains a natural flow. It's hard to really express what I mean in a helpful way here, but it helped tell the story and--for me, at least--helped indicate that the story took place in a location foreign to me.


  • Were there any weak points? Well, yes. Just one, for me. The last line. I want to know why naming the baby was important--or at least how it is relevant to naming the car (aside from Mom's permission). Perhaps the meaning of Sonali, and how much more appropriate it is, or how it touches the meaning of their lives and marriage more than THE BATHTUB did.

    Overall, I really liked this. I could go on, but that wouldn't be...concise. *Wink*

    Well done, Sonali.

    --Jeff Meyer


    P.S. To you and anyone else who may read this review: PLEASE do not interpret my comments on the barriers of a foreign language in any way derogatory. I have only respect and encouragement for my colleagues on this site, and personally have no tolerance for bigotry of any kind. --JM
    15
    15
    Review of A Mother's Eyes  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    Wow. Congratulations!

    I have seen Iambic Pentameter murdered so often (and been the murderer myself *Frown* ) that it is now surprising to see someone do it well. I have always thought enjambment keeps a poem from sounding like a greeting card. Your sweet verse reinforces this opinion.

    I read the poem aloud, and it flowed, man. Some poems look good on paper, but sound clunky or contrived to the ear. This sounded just like it was supposed to: a sonnet, which is by definition slightly flowery in phrasing, but focused on one topic, with a specific rhyme scheme and meter that do not interfere with the sound of the words.

    Excellent work mechanically.

    With regard to the subject matter, well...

    BRILLIANT!

    This emotion can get so syrupy sweet that I want to turn the page immediately. But I wanted to hear this one out--like I said, I was reading it aloud. Beautiful observations and ruminations.

    A home run, HuntersMoon.

    --Jeff Meyer
    16
    16
    Review of A Love Letter  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (3.0)
    I need it. I am physically addicted to it; without it I get extreme headaches. What can I say: everybody's a junkie for something.

    While I identify with this, I feel the title belies the contents. This is more of a personal essay than a love story. Perhaps more flowery prose and metaphors of human-to-human love? Dunno, that's up to you.

    This was a S P A R S E review. Sorry for that. Just getting back in the swing of it. But it perked up my morning, and for that, I am grateful.

    I hope there was something useful in my words--and please note that I am always trying to assist and encourage, never to tear down a fellow writer's work.

    Write on!

    --Jeff Meyer
    17
    17
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    Oh my god. This was so well written that I WAS this poor guy for a few minutes. We have all had completely unqualified helpers assigned to us from time to time. It is SOOOO incredibly frustrating!

    The contrast between each character's dialog was strategic here. It was like giving the reader stark light and deep shadow to compare. As I said, the frustration of the professor was deftly written; but the nonchalance of the wordy-girl was accurate as well.

    This was a complete story (as a flash should be), and I was happy it began and ended where it did. Perfect length, perfect words...imperfect assignment of a sciency helper. *Wink*

    Glad I stopped in for this one.

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    GROUP
    WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
    Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
    #1300305 by Maryann

    18
    18
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
    I like this! I once read a book by John R Maxim called Time Out of Mind. In that story--for far different reasons--a man comes completely unhinged at the sight of snow. As this story developed, it reminded me of Maxim's story in some ways. Good ways.

    I was anxious to find out why he was so scared of the rain, and what exactly had happened. In the end, I never did find out...but that was okay. It seemed to point to the future as this type of loop, to be repeated again and again. I really thought it was a great story.

    There were a few issues I had with it, though.

    First, there were a couple word missteps. For instance: "I looked into the mirror, and so did her." What the heck, it happens. Just wanted to point that out to you. A little proofreading will help with things like that.

    Second, and most importantly, I had a big problem with the development of the mother's attitude. I would be very, very surprised to hear someone who was rescued be so forceful and rude to thier rescuer. It just didn't ring true in my mind's ear. I won't be so arrogant as to suggest ways to rewrite those sections, but I would encourage you to find a way to more gradually build the tension, and perhaps the anger more as desperation on the part of the mother and child.

    Again, this was a great story, with excellent foreshadowing and empathy. I'm glad I was able to read this today.

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    GROUP
    WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
    Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
    #1300305 by Maryann

    19
    19
    Review of My Imagination  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (3.5)
    I think your communication is clear: what is the point oflife since we are all going to die anyway, without leaving any lasting footprint? And is this really life, anyway, or just some imaginary journey from which we will wake...only to find ourselves trapped in another imaginary journey?

    This speaks clearly of the "existential dilemma."

    My own daughter frequently asks this question, and the answer I give her is simple: whether imaginary or real, your reality is where you are; and whether you're going to change the universe or not, you're here.

    Now, I realize you weren't asking me to answer the question, or even to offer my own commentary; so I'll leave it at that.

    I really liked the part at the end about running out of tea. It was a sardonically humorous way to end a serious thought.

    --Jeff Meyer
    20
    20
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    Harry,

    Not only was this entertaining and disturbingly possible, but constructed in such a way as to be accessible and comfortable to the reader. This reads with the ease of prose, yet is clearly poetry.

    The strongest aspect of this is its conversational tone. The vocabulary is casual as opposed to flowery, and the people in the poem are not allegorical in any way. That means I have to work less than usual when reading a poem. *Wink* When the speaker breaks in on Joe's monologue, the reader gets a bit of situational context that help us set the scene in our heads, allows us to make ourselves comfortable in the living room with Joe while the speaker chases ice cubes around the kitchen.

    I'm afraid I don't have anything to offer in the way of constructive criticism. I thought this was a great poem, and I'm glad I happened on it this morning.

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    GROUP
    WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
    Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
    #1300305 by Maryann



    21
    21
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
    BA:

    That was messed up! But in a good way. *Smile*

    It fit the "And Then There Were None" project to a tee.

    Once I understood that this was not going to be a feel-good poem, I really got into it. The "little princesses" phrase was soft and fluffy, and nicely contrasted them dying off one by one. The contrast reminded me of the light and fluffy music of "Pumped Up Kicks," which has a such a dark and dangerous lyric to it.

    One comment I can offer as constructive criticism: work on the meter of the second line in each couplet. I don't necessarily suggest the meter of the second lines needs to match the meter of the first lines; but I do suggest the second lines all follow a meter similar to each other. Usually, I hate sing-songy poems. But this poem lends itself to that pattern, and the nursery-rhyme touch that would offer further offsets the darkness of the piece.

    Hey, these are just the observations of one guy. And I pause to offer this because the poem is really cool, and I would like to help you make it as strong as possible; please don't take any of my comments as disparaging or derogatory.

    This was a fun, darkly ironic poem, and I enjoyed it very much. I look forward to more of your work.

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    GROUP
    WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
    Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
    #1300305 by Maryann

    22
    22
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
    Oh, well done parallel. If only it were that clean. I always thought if we took the leaders of warring countries and put them in the boxing ring to duke it out, wars be fewer; politicians only seem to like taking shots from afar.

    I like the way you "pack away the pawns you saved" in this piece. You are stating that the common soldier is the one who bears the burden, not the higher-ups. I agree with this, and salute you for saving the everyman of war. "I can’t bear the sight/of red/lying shattered across the battlefield" is such an emotionally effective line. I can't help but wonder if the insertion "of so much{/ b} red" would increase the impact of the statement.

    The very choice of choosing the color of the blood that might be spilled, as opposed to choosing to view war as clean and bloodless sets a good tone for the poem, demonstrating the differences in how leaders, people, countries view armed conflict. Similarly, your comparison of the organized, rigid approach vs the intuitive, flexible approach mirrors the differences between the Axis and Allied powers in WWII. The realistic parallel there allows the reader to really connect to this piece.

    Very good poem; glad I stopped in to read this!

    --Jeff Meyer
    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    GROUP
    WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
    Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
    #1300305 by Maryann

    23
    23
    Review of Strange Awakening  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
    Michael,

    I liked this story. But I didn't love it.

    I know that's a rough way to start a review, but let's just get the negatives out of the way first, you know?

    The story was set up really well. The concept of cryogenics is an old one, and the set of circumstances requiring the subject to enter stasis always varies. Your idea was based on legality. It works, and it works well. No rehabilitation, just science. How long has mankind used convicts as test subjects? (Hint--the answer is: more than any nation wants to admit.)

    I was particularly uncomfortable when Cameron was stuck in the tube. Seriously--physically uncomfortable. That part was awesome. When you can make someone experience physical sensation with the words you write, you have done something special. I was wondering if he was just going to scream himself crazy in there. But then he woke up...

    ...And waking up into this sci-fi world was...well...a bit of a let-down. I DID like the backstory on why he was under 70 times longer than he should have been. But there wasn't enough drama/impact after he climbed out of his pod. I wanted more internal reaction from him with regard to the extreme circumstances, and some more vivid external stimuli.

    The two characters joining hands and walking into the sunrise of a fresh new day was anti-climactic, for me. I think the problem was that the conflict and climax was truly Cameron's struggle in the tube.

    Okay, that's all MY opinion--and I'm just one guy. Here's some solid facts on your writing:

  • Punctuation, spelling, and paragraph separation and organization were all great. -- 5 Stars

  • Your sentence structure was strong, but maybe a LITTLE more complex than necessary at times. (This is a problem I often have, except that my sentences are WAY more complex than yours. Many readers find it off-putting. It's a tiny issue in your writing, from my point of view.) -- 4.5 Stars

  • The story itself is a solid beginning. The backstory is complete, and the external conditions that led to the present situation are clear and understandable. -- 5 Stars

  • The main character is well-defined. The circumstances of his present situation are nicely elaborated. (Explaining how jay-walking can be a deadly offense was ingenious!) -- 5 Stars

  • The secondary character is not as well defined. Her past is mentioned, but there is no elaboration. The reader is left with no information on which to base a prediction on what kind of world these two will try to create. -- 3 Stars

  • The overall conflict and resolution have less drama and impact than the characters original conflict. This creates an anti-climax at the end of the story (or chapter, if that's what this is.) -- 3.5 Stars.

  • This one is not a fact, per se, but it's important: would I read it again, or would I read a follow-up story based on this? YES! I like where it is going and where it came from, and would be interested in more of both or either. -- 5 Stars.


  • I'm glad I found and read this, sir, and hope something I have rambled about is useful to you. Remember, I'm just one guy, and no Writing Professor at that. My opinion should carry only that much weight.

    Hope to see more from you soon!

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    24
    24
    Review of Acorns  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    How very sweet! I have no suggestions, nor anything constructive to offer beyond that compliment. This little piece was worth stopping by and reading.

    It really is the little things that life is made of; and it really is the little things in life that poetry is made of. I have a tendency to write complex, murky poetry that is dense and hard to read sometimes. Thanks for the reminder that something simple and pure is worth writing simply and purely.

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    25
    25
    Review of Where is He?  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    Domestic squabbles carry on ad infinitem, I guess.

    This was pretty accurate, and sad because of that. I like the capitalized references to some futuristic customs/ideals/states, such as "One," "Family Relic," "Living Area." Perhaps a little expansion into at least one of these would move the story further into the sci-fi genre.

    I loved the name Marigeta. I don't know if that is an actual name, perhaps in Latino culture, or not. But it has a great ring to it.

    I would like to note that some of your sentences could be blended together to offer a smoother flow to the narrative. For instance:

    “He’s not yours. You gave him to me.” Marigeta got up. And headed for the entrance to the Living Area. But she stopped just before entering. Marigeta looked back at the stain on the floor where the cup broke. “I just made that. And I only got a sip or two before I had to answer the door.”

    might read more smoothly if rearranges as such:

    “He’s not yours. You gave him to me!” Marigeta got up and headed for the entrance to the Living Area. She stopped just before entering and looked back at the stain on the floor where the cup had broken. “I just made that! And I only got a sip or two before I had to answer the door.”


    This way, the sentences flow better; and I added a couple of exclamation points to demonstrate her heightened emotional state.

    I liked the way this very short piece still managed a cliffhanger ending. Where is Evim and why has he disappeared? The reader is free to create their own sequel or to hope the writer provides one. (Personally, I hope you choose to offer up the next scene; I'm intrigued.)

    This last is just a thought, just this reader's reaction. When I got to the end, and Evim asked "Where is our baby," I thought: Wow! Wouldn't it be cool if the reader had been led to believe this was all about a pet, but now we find out it's a confrontation about an actual baby? Or a Virtual Baby (being in the sci-fi realm), like an AI? Granted, that is not what you wrote, or what you meant. But wouldn't that be a cool story, too?

    Anyway, I liked this brief glimpse into futuristic domestic disharmony, and I hope I get to read more about it soon.

    --Jeff Meyer


    ---Reviewed for WDC Power Reviewers---
    142 Reviews · *Magnify*
    Page of 6 · 25 per page   < >
    Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/centurymeyer35