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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chefmommie
Review Requests: OFF
311 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
Thorough reviews of flash fiction, short stories, and chapters of larger pieces. Will take a look at spelling, grammar, punctuation usage, plot flow & development, character development, and over-all structure of the piece. It will be honest, encouraging, and intended to teach and coach the writer to improve and continue honing their skills.
I'm good at...
Creating vivid descriptions that draw the reader into my stories. I am a seasoned professional chef of almost two and a half decades. I am great a customer service, and am presently working towards becoming a licensed psychologist. When I am not reading, writing, or teaching, I travel to Renaissance festivals with my daughter, garden, spend time with my fur babies, and volunteer at schools helping tutor children with emotional difficulties.
Favorite Genres
Romance: Contemporary or Period; erotica no BDSM. Contemporary fiction, non-fiction, spiritual, some fantasy and sci-fi. Will also do children's and Young Adult themes.
Least Favorite Genres
I do not care for straight murder mysteries or horror.
Favorite Item Types
Flash fiction, short stories, novel chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poems, Lyrics, etc.
I will not review...
BDSM, Erotica that reads like bad Playboy Letters to the Editor, Vampire themed books, Anime and Cartoon Fan Fiction, Murder and Horror.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of A Great Game  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A gift from Kiyasama!  Thanks Girl!  Love ya!


This review is part of the Emotion and Sensuality class in the House of Sensual Prose. The reviews are of the homework with weeks where the student reviews and looks for essential parts of grammar that make writing interesting. Other weeks, the students apply the new skills to their own creations. Each student controls his or her own port and access to these works, so I encourage you to look for them and give them an encouraging R&R as well. The feedback is expressly for teaching purposes and encouragement towards the student’s personal goals for the class. Best Always, Liv


Author beetle

Short Story
 
STATIC
A Great Game  (18+)
A convo between soccer stars gets steamy. Lesson #4 for Building the Emotion & Sensuality.
#2116748 by beetle


This week was about using description of body language to build the sizzle in a first-time encounter. We have the rough end to an aggressive contact sport—Soccer? Rugby? Where there are more things hurting than just those caused by cleats and physical contact. However, it seems that there has been admiration and more building between two worthy opponents.

What I love about this piece is the rhythmic use of the same word “frowning” at the beginning of the piece and “smiling” at the end of the piece. Even the space between the paragraphs is a very elegant and subtly used visual element that helps draw out the moments as the two size each other up moment-by-moment. You have written quite an interesting tension between the two characters which compels the reader to want more.
I really love the development of your word arrangements in describing the scenes. There is an intriguing elegance to it that lures me into your stories. I believe that you are nailing this class (so to speak *Wink*).

Rhythm, tension, elegance!

I certainly hope others will read and enjoy this piece as much as I have!

Write On!
Liv
2
2
Review of Duke's Brain  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A gift from Kiyasama!  Thanks Girl!  Love ya!


This review is part of the Emotion and Sensuality class in the House of Sensual Prose. The reviews are of the homework with weeks where the student reviews and looks for essential parts of grammar that make writing interesting. Other weeks, the students apply the new skills to their own creations. Each student controls his or her own port and access to these works, so I encourage you to look for them and give them an encouraging R&R as well. The feedback is expressly for teaching purposes and encouragement towards the student’s personal goals for the class. Best Always, Liv

Author beetle
Short Story
 
STATIC
Duke's Brain  (18+)
Building the Emotion and Sensuality. Lesson 5: Duke and Jamie have problems communicating.
#2117447 by beetle


What a fabulous piece! This is just about EVERYTHING that we are talking about in Building Sensuality. You have even nailed a pretty nice suggestion of the build-up to and then the aftermath of a steamy sex scene. This gives the reader permission to let their own imaginations fly. These things are part of the delicate dance a good Romantica writer wants to be good at creating. This is what I call the art of seducing the reader. While the blue part was technically “about” the week’s lesson, the entire piece is an excellent example of beginning to arrange your words to create seductive pictures that compel the reader to read the next line!

Excellent arrangement of words in descriptions is rhythmic and poetic like a well-written poem or the phrasing of a song that takes a hold of your soul and won’t let go. One of my literature professor friends just gave me a new catalogue of textbooks and lent me a sample that I have been greedily reading to try to push more into this class. The chapter I am reading right now is about writing with musical and lyrical structures—Essentially using grammatical structure and punctuation to create the phrases.

Here’s a WOW phrase from this work: “Moonlight shown down on him in a silver spill….” I challenge anyone to claim that they cannot visualize moonlight like molten silver glitter pouring down on this character. What a POWERFUL image!

I LOVE how clueless and callous but big, affectionate puppy that you have written Duke! The reader can buy what you are selling in Duke and Jamie both. You have it going on in this piece!

Play with your rhythms in the final exam project by finding a piece of music that inspires your imagination when it comes to writing a red-hot scene between two amazing characters.

Cheers to hot writing!
Liv
3
3
Rated: E | (4.0)
A gift from Kiyasama!  Thanks Girl!  Love ya!


This review come to you from based on a requested Read and Review. My philosophy is that all reviews are honest and meant in the spirit of teaching and encouraging by pointing out any issues that detract from the piece the writer has created. I also strive to make comments that may help attract others to read this piece and enjoy what it has to offer. Please take what you need from my offering and feel free to take the rest under advisement. All the best, Liv


Author: lizey
 Two little wombats  (E)
Chapter 1. A rewrite of my original story. And then edited again. Please review.
#2114940 by lizey


Hello lizey , this is in response to a requested review of {l-item: 2114940}. I have read the piece thoroughly and also passed it by my 16-year-old for her feedback as well. The first question that we both had, which might be helpful for all reviewers is if you placed the age range of your target audience at the top or bottom right-hand corner (for example) of your work. This gives clarity to the reviewer so that we can do a better, more respectful job of reviewing your piece. Overall, we both loved it and could even imagine some great illustrations for the book. There are some grammatical issues that will make the piece better, which I am scanning into a PDF and emailing to you for your convenience. The mark-ups are extensive, so I feel like that is the best way to tackle an issue like that in a review.

As I am writing this post in the middle of one of our infamous spring storms in Texas, please send me a reminder email if you have NOT received that email within the next 5 days (today is 4/2/17).

One of the big issues here is breaking out the dialogue from the rest of the story. It is important that the reader is clear about the conversation between the characters and is able to distinguish it from the narration. This will make it easier for those reading the story out-loud to voice act the story in a fluid presentation.

In paragraph 5 of the first chapter, Victor is remembering a direct quote from his parents. It does not seem like a present conversation (or by the way I read it, it is not) so you might consider putting that quote in italics to make it distinctively different from the conversation between the two brothers.

Let’s take a look at another line. You wrote in the beginning of the 8th paragraph of Chapter 1: Victor the littlest of the two-little wombats, was not as excited about the stories that he heard from the others like Elliot was. Developmentally speaking, the sentence structure will not be as comprehensible to a young reader as say a reader in middle school. You might try something like this: “Elliot, being the older brother, was always exited to hear the old stories of their family. Victor, however, always felt sad, confused, and became bored because he did not remember his parents or the others.”

Please understand, when I think about writing for children, I take in eclectic stance on education drawing from the works of Charlotte Mason, Jean Piaget, as well as Oliver and Rachel DeMille to name a few. In other words, there are concrete developmental phases that occur from birth to death and have “windows of time” within which an ability such as abstract thought, or comparative thought becomes a skill a child is capable of. For example in the 4th grade standardized testing booklets in Math, the authors have placed simple geometric equations for finding the volume of a cylinder (for example). Most children fail this particular skill because conceptual and hypothetical thought does not come into play until a child is at least 12 years old. A 4th grader who passes this skill is in the minority and an exceptional child who probably had early exposure to concepts that would teach the skill—Such as measuring ingredients for cooking such as my daughter experienced from conception forward in her life. In other words, I ask myself frequently, “will my friend’s 8-year-old understand this, and perhaps feel “a little challenged” if I write this part, like this….” Creating is great, but it’s the difference between potentially winning a Caldecott Medal and being a bargain bin filler. Both are important, but for increasing the number of contemporary “living books” available to young readers these days is really important.

Next, let’s take a look a little further down where the dialogue ceases to have quotation marks around it. THAT gets confusing. Work on getting all of that in line and working a little better for the story.

Please look for my private email for the rest!

Write on fearlessly!
Olivia

4
4
Review of Morning Ritual  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Hello tinyhuman,
                   My name is Olivia K. Olivia K.Homecoming and I will be reviewing your erotica short story called "Morning Ritual. Welcome to WDC. I see that you are new here. I hope you enjoy the site as much as my friends and I do. After reading your offering, I am not sure that you have chosen the correct genre for your story. Perhaps something like Horror or Supernatural would fit this short story a little better? I would, however, ask that you consider removing the erotica label and rolling it out under one of those genre instead. I am sure you will get much more expansive feedback if you do.

Story Development
                   In less than 750 words, you described a fat, slovenly man who gets up and inadvertently tortures and squashes a tiny man the size of an insect without ever knowing. Why? From start to finish, I did not get the purpose of the piece, but I did see potential in it. However, it is almost like the Tumbler post that proposes that perhaps the spider hanging out in the human’s bedroom views the person as his or her roommate and feels affection and camaraderie for the human. Then the human becomes frightened of the tiny “roommate” and kills it. The way that three sentence Tumbler post is written is compelling. One feels for both the spider’s side of the story as well as the human’s. What could you do to develop your story better without adding to the word count?

Character Development
                   You gave us a decent description of the fat, slovenly man. However, you have left out your tiny, nearly microscopic person. What is his story? What does he look like besides being tiny? Why is he there? We know he needs food, but where has he been sleeping all this time?

Word Usage
                   Oh MAN! There is way too much usage of the word man in this short piece. The usage is so frequent and intense that it is difficult to keep up with whether we are talking about the giant man or the minuscule man. If you would develop the characters and story a bit more, and stick to your details about each, it would be much easier to understand. Redundancy is the enemy of every writer. Take a step back, refine what you’ve got, and build on it. Every idea can be as brief, or as long as a writer wishes when he or she chooses to focus on what will make that story live.
Good luck in your writing adventures here and in the natural world!

Kindly,
Olivia
5
5
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a great idea to streamline admission into a writer's group here on WDC. It was straight forward and easy to understand. After writing with this author in a January blog challenge, I am excited to join this group and build a new sense of camaraderie on this site. If you enjoy uplifting authors, this one I hold in high esteem.
6
6
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: GC | (3.5)
This is where I keep Olivia's Signature

Teaching Review Tool: Emotion and Sensuality Class

{item: 1639097}

This review is personalized for each student enrolled in the Emotion and Sensuality class based on the week’s assignment, and goals of the class. Everything crafted for this review is influenced by my years of teaching adult learners and my passion for writing a fictional story that makes the reader feel like the characters are intimate friends. The entire review is emailed to the student for his or her continued study. The sample presented in the Public Review is to share some of the aspects of our classes with WDC colleagues and potential students.

Brief Summary of the Assignment:
In 500 to 600 words create three different vignettes that illustrate a character going through mild, moderate, or an extreme quality of a basic emotion. If the student finds it easier, a short story of 1500 to 1800 words (maximum) may be written that incorporates progressively more intense emotion.

Summary of the Student’s Submission:
{item: 1976375} It is Carla’s 40th birthday and Pete’s normal lack of concern for intimate details of a relationship life have driven her anger and disappointment to the surface.

Grammar, Punctuation, and Structure concerns:
When writing a story, the visual structure of the piece is almost as important as the content especially when there are conversation lines. Delineating each line of dialogue is very important so that the reader can keep up with the flow of the plot. When this is done well, the author can often leave off “he said” and “she said,” which not only conserves word count in contest pieces, but also protects against redundancy.

Excerpt from the entry: It was Carla’s 40th birthday. A real milestone, or so she thought.

Sometimes using the structure (layout) of how your piece is visually presented, can add to the dramatic emphasis of parts of your story. Here is a suggestion for you:

It was Carla’s 40th birthday.

A real milestone…Or so she thought.

Pete never pretended to be the sensitive type and Carla had accepted that. There were so many other things about Pete to love.



One last thought here, I highly encourage you to watch how often you repeat words such as acknowledge. Pulling up sites like Thesaurus.com

Discuss the plot. Did it work? How was the flow? Did it go at a reasonable pace? Was it too rushed? Did it develop too slowly?
This is a 974 word vignette about Carla’s upset over Pete forgetting her birthday. I see that you said it was work for you to get to this word count. You always need a place to start, and to me, this is a GREAT place to start! The plot was good and has a great pace.

Plot Suggestions:
Growing this vignette into a short story is not difficult at all. Knowing that Pete really didn’t do the “soft things” well, did Carla leave any hints that her birthday was coming? Was it written on the family calendar in the kitchen? Were there picture hints left on the refrigerator of little gifts she might like? Was Carla now in regret that she did not think of leaving him hints? What if Pete actually remembered her birthday, and had arranged a surprise party for her at the local café or tavern (based on who these people are in your creative aspect)? What if he really did not remember her birthday but he redeemed himself with a nice dinner at the local roadhouse? What happened after dinner? Did they go see a movie? Did they go home and watch old westerns or the Die Hard movies on television while eating popcorn and drinking cold beer from a can (things that he might like that she didn’t mind at all)? Do you think that give and take lead to an intimate encounter later?

Discuss the description in the story. Did the author use the 5 senses well? Were the scenes clear to the reader? Could the reader get a clear picture of the characters and their surroundings?

Reading through the story several times, I never connected with Carla’s Wrath. The main thread of this assignment was emotional description.
“…or so she thought,” can indicate some disappointment. The description of Carla half whispering while looking away expands on that when she tells Pete that he has forgotten her birthday.

“…hands on hips and her eyes blazing.” Carla’s angry, but is she wrathful?

You did a great job on the more emotive qualities of Pete and Carla, but to really begin to develop the sensual nature of the piece, there needs to be an increase on the descriptive qualities. I really wanted you to take some time and get in to Carla’s head and feel her disappointment, then her rising irritation, then the full burn of her anger.

When you, as a person are making that transition from disappointment to anger, what are you feeling? What experiences have you had that you can liken that to? Is it like the acceleration of a car when you enter the freeway? Does it flair like a freshly struck match? What is it like? What is the heat of you full blown anger like? Would it be similar to Carla’s or does she want to tell you how she really feels?

How can you re-write and expand this story to really make your readers connect with how Carla is feeling?


Suggestions to improve or expand the sensual description:
But what about Pete’s physical qualities? What does Pete look like? Tall or short? Is his build wiry, athletic, or stocky? How about his eyes and his hair? What does Carla love about Pete when it comes to physical characteristics? Does she like the way he smells? Does she particularly like the sound of his voice? When he comes in the back door is he clean or dirty from work? Meaning, is Pete a white collar worker and wears a suit and tie or khakis and a polo to work every day? Is Pete a blue-collar worker? Is he a farmer or mechanic? What does he do for a living that would give the reader other indicators of the person that he might be?
What did Carla look like? What color were her eyes? Were they still brilliant, or did she feel the color had become “watered down” with time? What color was her hair? Was it curly or straight? Was her hair thick or thin? Had it ever been thick, or had it always been a little thinner than was fashionable? How about her figure? Is it becoming harder to stay slender, or has she always carried a little more weight than was fashionable?

Discuss the characters. Did the author paint vivid pictures of them? Were they flat and colorless or were they multi-dimensional with depth and emotion? If a character is flat, please give specifics and suggestions for making the character become more tangible to the reader.
In this piece, character description is integral to the dimension of the characters in the story.

Final Thoughts:
You have a great start to an awesome story. Sometimes it takes both time and a good coach to bring out the best in a writer. With this vignette, I would like for you to take these notes and really develop this into a short story that takes us through a whole evening and bring the whole piece to life. Weave a great story so that you readers fall in love with your characters. These individuals are your creations and the art readers and fellow writers respect in you is your ability to help us get to know them as intimately as you know them.
Write On!
Olivia



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really love this cause and support your generous efforts on WDC! You are doing great work on here and I hope that many people will step up and participate through 2014 and/or support your awesome program! Kudos and bright blessings in the new year!
*Heart* Liv
8
8
Review of Soul Mates  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1940849 Unavailable **


***This review is being given as a part of the Rising Stars Member~2~Member Reviews. This review is given from my point of view in the spirit of honesty and the desire to help you as an aspiring author grow and improve in your craft. Please receive my evaluation of your work and these suggestions in the spirit in which they are given and free to “throw away” anything that doesn’t work for you. Have a great day and happy writing! Rich Blessings~ OliviaK.***

Summarize the Chapter, Short Story, or Poem~
This review is for "Soul Mates.

Discuss the plot. Did it work? How was the flow? Did it go at a reasonable pace? Was it too rushed? Did it develop too slowly? What could have made it better?
I enjoyed the plot of this story and it flowed nicely. The pace was very good and it developed well in step with the pace of the story.

Discuss the description in the story. Did the author use the 5 senses well? Were the scenes clear to the reader? Could the reader get a clear picture of the characters and their surroundings?
The use of the senses incorporated in the story especially in the beginning of the piece worked well to draw this reader in and feel the sense of urgency and the overwhelming strain of the scenario being played out. I believe the writer has done an excellent job, but wonder if the latter part of the offering does not suffer a lack in this area.

Grammar and punctuation usage:
I found no real issues with grammar or punctuation in this piece. Very well done.

The only issue I have is the brief paragraphs that mark some writers’ “minimalistic” writing styles. Sometimes it makes the conversation lines hard to follow.

Further, I was not sure why there were three lines toward the end of the story that were in bold while the rest of the story did not have similar treatment in other areas. As this appeared to be a short story written for a contest, his could have been a requirement of the challenge?

Discuss the characters. Did the author paint vivid pictures of them? Were they flat and colorless or were they multi-dimensional with depth and emotion? If a character is flat, please give specifics and suggestions for making the character become more tangible to the reader.
For the focus of this short story, I believe the characters were developed appropriately in the best way to communicate the idea of the story and meet the criterion of the contest rules. For me, it could very well be fleshed out to be a longer piece with a whole lot deeper meaning to it.

From my point of view~~ Would I continue reading the story? Why or why not? What would you take out or add to strengthen the story?
This is an interesting and beautiful topic. For me, I would definitely flesh out this story and make it either a longer short story, or a novella. I very much enjoyed this piece of writing. I find that it was very well done and would recommend it to anyone who enjoys a good read of this nature.

This is where I keep Olivia's Signature




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Connie's Corner  
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is where I keep Olivia's Signature


***This review is being given as a part of the Talent Pond. This review is given from my point of view in the spirit of honesty and the desire to help you as an aspiring author grow and improve in your craft. Please receive my evaluation of your work and these suggestions in the spirit in which they are given and free to “throw away” anything that doesn’t work for you. Have a great day and happy writing! Rich Blessings~ OliviaK.***

Hello Connieann! I thought I would pop through and see what my fellow bloggers in "Blog Harbor from The Talent Pond write about in their blogs! What a delightful slice of life I have found here! I really enjoyed "Be good to myself, others, and the planet.. I would recommend the book: Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, PhD. Another excellent title would be: 8 Habits of Love by Ed Bacon. Taking care of self is a great place to start in that whole endeavor, for without taking care of self, the rest of that is really, really hard to do... Or at least sustain for too long!

To anyone looking for inspiration from WDC colleagues through blogs, I would highly suggest looking in to this one for some great reading!

Take care ma'am and *Pencil* Write On! *Pencil*
*Heart* Liv


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of SS Earth Terra  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Animated Angel from Jacinda Hope

Good Morning Whitemorn! I am reviewing you today as part of Angel Army reviews. This piece is an entry in your portfolio calledSS Earth Terra. With as potentially elaborate as the story begins in Chapter 1 and how brief and progressively undeveloped as it becomes, I am not clear whether this is a contest entry or a “rough draft” of a more elaborate short story or novella yet to be written. I hope you find my comments and suggestions to be as intended: to help you grow and develop your skills and talents to where you would like them to be.

Initial “hook”: There really isn’t one right now. This is a very rough read, but can be added to and refined quite easily. I would hope that this story would be fleshed out as a novella in the future.

The Plot: A boy with a new telescope helps to save earth.

The Description: “Tumbleweeds invaded front yards like poor folk at a soup kitchen and in such great numbers that the large well groomed yards were barely visible.” This is a really great piece of imagery here. Great job!

The Language: Great language to relate time period with. Great job.

Things to consider fixing or re-vamping: Format:It is especially important in this eFormat that we read in here at WDC to be as reader friendly as possible. It will also be quite editor friendly when sending out MS with query for submission to magazines or other forms of publishing. The present format of the story makes it a bit hard to read. Place spacing between lines of conversation text and the next paragraph for emphasis as well as space between paragraphs makes things clearer to the audience. The other major issue here is that this short story has a conflicted identity. It starts out as a short story and finishes somewhere around a short stage play. Each subsequent “Chapter” seems to open up in the middle of action that has already occurred, but the reader is uniformed about. That leaves the reader to assume too much and have no idea of the direction the author has in mind. Opening Line: I find that using an opening monologue to instruct the reader about outside influences and character mood to be a risky way to launch a story. It either confounds the reader’s understanding before they develop one, or insults their intelligence and in both cases, the reader might move on to something else, even if the rest of the story is quite interesting and engaging. You might want to try out a few different openings and see if there is a better fit out there that grabs a reader more? As I shared with another person I reviewed earlier, I always find that the opening paragraph is the most awkward and difficult to set the first time due to its sheer importance to the over-all success of the story.

To Wrap Things Up:
Welcome to the community, and thanks for such an interesting read! As I said previously, I believe that this could be fleshed out well as a much longer short story or arrive at the word count that would qualify it as a novella. I would definitely love to re-read it at that point!

Best wishes,
Olivia
Image #1339796 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Animated Angel from Jacinda Hope

Good Morning Smiles! I am reviewing you today as part of Angel Army reviews. This piece is an entry in your portfolio calledSecrets in the Attic. I hope you find my comments and suggestions to be as intended: to help you grow and develop your skills and talents to where you would like them to be.

Initial “hook”: As in all poetry, best the initial hook be the opening stanza, which is quite true in this case.

The Plot: A whimsical inventory of memories in the attic.

The Description: The description is very vivid in this piece and keeps the flow going nicely.

The Language: The language is great for this item and I would say almost an LM Alcott flair?

Things to consider fixing or re-vamping: Probably just my personal taste, but I really dislike the last line. It really sucks the life out of the emotions that you so carefully built up throughout the poem.

To Wrap Things Up:
Welcome to the community and thanks for a such a sweet read!

Best wishes,
Olivia
Image #1339796 over display limit. -?-


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is where I keep Olivia's Signature
Good Morning Amalie Cantor! I am reviewing you today as part of Angel Army reviews. This piece flash fiction: That the Blind Might See. This was written for contest at "Spaceships & Dragons" . The indication is that the contest has a maximum word count consistent with flash fiction. I hope you find my comments and suggestions to be as intended: to help you grow and develop your skills and talents to where you would like them to be.

Initial “hook”: In this case, the title is an excellent hook. However, the word selection in the first paragraph is just the right amount of telling and exciting to insight the reader to continue.

The Plot: A Sprite saves the life of an Unseeing.

The Description: The key in flash fiction is to create lush description and imagery that speaks volumes in a minimal amount of words. I find that this story does just that. Keep up the good work.

The Language: The language is beautiful and appropriate for the genre.

Things to consider fixing or re-vamping: Nothing noted.

To Wrap Things Up:

The piece flowed well and told a great story. If you were so inclined at a later date, this piece is well worth expanding into a short story or novella that I would really enjoy reading. Welcome to WDC and I hope you enjoy our community!
Best wishes,
Olivia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Gone  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is where I keep Olivia's Signature
Good Morning J.Bell! I am reviewing you today as part of Angel Army reviews. This piece of poetry, Gone. It looks like this is a personal entry and not associated with a WDC contest. I hope you find my comments and suggestions to be as intended: to help you grow and develop your skills and talents to where you would like them to be.
Initial “hook”: As with Fairy Tale, the first stanza is a great hook.
The Plot: The end of a relationship and the inevitable emptiness that it brings *Wink*
The Description: The word choice in evoking emotion in the reader is generally good for the topic. I can feel the angst of the situation and that is what I look for when I am reading anything of a creative nature. I do not care whether story or poem, I want to feel something.
The Language:
Things to consider fixing or re-vamping: Written in quatrains the rhythm is a bit choppy as some stanzas have smooth and equal rhyme and others do not. I wonder if it would be a smoother read if you wrote it in couplets?
To Wrap Things Up:
The flow of telling a story within the context of a poem was very good. The rhythm of the poem was a little choppy and I could not find a specific flow or order for that; leaving it to feel like driving a car with a bad batch of gasoline in the tank. However, everyone else who reads it might roundly disagree with me. This is just my personal point of view on poetry. Sometimes even if it is wonky to read, if it is connected to the writer’s life story, changing it isn’t the right thing to do. Believe me. I wrote a few things after my divorce that are nothing to be proud of and totally fixable, but my emotional attachment to them cannot bring me to change a thing…Even nearly 5 years later. *smiles*
Best wishes,
Olivia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of Fairy Tales  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is where I keep Olivia's Signature
Good Morning J.Bell! I am reviewing you today as part of Angel Army reviews. This piece of poetry, Fairy Tales is a contest entry for the Writer’s Cramp. In reviewing I find it particularly helpful in building good will between fellow writers to acknowledge to the writer what the piece was written for. If not listed, I look for clues such as words placed in bold, or word counts listed at the top of, or bottom of a specific piece. From my point of view, this can be particularly helpful when reviewing flash fiction, short stories, and the like. I hope you find my comments and suggestions to be as intended: to help you grow and develop your skills and talents to where you would like them to be.

Initial “hook”: The first stanza really grabbed me and reeled in my imagination and set my feet on an intrigued path.

The Plot: Fairy Tale love… Don’t we all long for it? *Wink*

The Description: Excellent word choice to produce a fantastical bit of imagery. Thoughts of a Rapunzel-like princess and a large purple/green dragon wrapped around a tower ascending into the softest of pastel pink clouds of dusk filled my mind.

The Language: Great command of language! I always delight in reading compositions that are filled with complex words that evoke more specific imagery than their mono-syllabic counterparts. Please, please keep up the good work! Some of us will forever be caught up in the world that the Victorian aged poets and poetesses and their American counterparts created for us to cut our teeth on.

Things to consider fixing or re-vamping: I would leave this piece just as it is. Don’t change a thing!

To Wrap Things Up:
I found the flow and rhythm of this piece feels smooth in reading. The use of words and imagery is clear and expressive. Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents with us!

Best wishes,
Olivia


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
15
15
Review of Building A1  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Chairrider! Great work on the first week's assignment. There are a few things to point out, however. The adjective "good," that you highlighted in red to describe the golf course, should not have really been one that would connect you to the characters. If you can share with me how "good golf course" connected you with the character, I might reconsider. *Smile*

Thank you for pointing out the complexity of emotions that the characters went through. That is the focus of you crafting your writing through this course.

Write On!
Liv
16
16
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Hello Talicia! Thank you for your email and sharing your story with me! What a privilege it is to read a newer author on this site and be asked directly for input! What follows are my thoughts and suggestions for improvement of your piece (from my point of view). Each writer has their own style and when we are starting out, it just takes time to develop and refine. Please take what works for you and use it as you find suitable to your need, and let the other just be what it is...My humble opinion. *Smile*

Top of the story: Review the three thoughts that Villahr is having to himself. Are all three necessary? The second and third thought seem redundant. Can you think of a different third question to ask that would make more sense later in the piece? Something to make the reader wonder what that question means, but you as the author do not allow your character to answer too quickly. Remember, if the reader does not want to turn the page, you have lost them.

First paragraph of your story. Here I am going to copy and paste what you have written, then highlight the issue in green. From there I will give you a few ideas. Here we go:

Going from defensive to accusatory in a matter of seconds, Villahr silently disparaged for allowing himself to think. It was dangerous for a man in his situation. The memory of that night would never leave him, but what’s past is past and all reliving the moment would do is bring suffering, it never brings anyone back. He gazed out the open window and across the empty field at a tree standing tall and proud in the distance. As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, and so he then listened to its cries, in hopes it would drown out the ones in his head.


The first sentence is confusing and you are instructing your reader; not painting a picture for them to interpret for themselves. Not a lot of people understand the word "disparage" and there is not enough previous context to grant them a proper foot hold on that word. "And so then..."??? Sometimes great for oratory, but not so lovely on paper.

Try: "Villahr, steeped in self-deprecation found himself trapped inside the memory of a night he was damned never to forget. Second guessing himself would be dangerous and futile as nobody could be wished back alive. It was critical that he kept his mind in the present and fully engaged in how he should proceed. }He gazed out the open window and across the empty field at a tree standing tall and proud in the distance.Excellent sentence! As he watched, an owl landed on one of its arms, listening to its plaintiff call, he closed his eyes, praying it would drown out the cries in his head.

Second paragraph is good till the last sentence. Try: "It was as if the child were listening to the steady thud of his heart; drawing comfort from it. The hollow emptiness Villahr felt inside assured him that though the organ would continue its beat, it would truly never feel alive again.

Third paragraph: ".....long, faded defacement that ran parallel to his shoulders over his tight abdomen." You used a $100 word for scar and then said: "bitty backside?"

Tal, I am going to be very direct here. You have a great idea for a story, I am sure and I hope it is destined to be at least a 5k short story, a novella, or a full blown novel. Why? Because I was lost from the first paragraph. It is as if you told have told half the story on paper while keeping the rest of it securely in your head while assuming you have told enough to gain understanding. Most every aspiring author goes through this. WE are the writers and we live our stories in our heads. Unfortunately, our readers cannot join us. Our art as writers is to paint pictures with words. If you are going to launch into a story from where you started, I hope you are going into a back story very soon!

Secondly, I really adore it that YOU LIKE BIG WORDS!!! I have a very large vocabulary too. Sometimes it is my best friend...Others it's my worst enemy. The average reader reads on about a 10th grade level. You MUST consider the comprehension level of your readership. That being said, you will have no readership at all if you go from "defacement" to "bitty backside," it does not work.

So, who's Lahr and where did he/she/it come from? The story is to "young" to give characters who are alone in a space a nickname if "Lahr" is short for Villahr.

To be honest, I burned out on vampire stories after I read all of Anne Rice's novels when they were hot off the press in the 90's. I have refused to read the new stuff at all. There are names and references in here such as "Doseono" that really threw me off. Unless they are highly typical jargon for the vampire genre, you are really going to have to be more definitive within the context of your story as to what you mean, and that is assuming that you are not trying to get a "non-vampire genre" reader to buy and read your story.

There are moments in this story where you begin to paint a beautiful picture of what is going on. I hope that you go back and flesh out this story and would email me the link and let me read it again. I do award Merit Badges and Awardicons to writers I feel are aggressively growing and developing their talents. If you are looking for a mentor and coach, send out your story to 6-12 yellow cases and see what kind of critiques you get back. Find someone with whom you connect and take it from there.

Welcome to the community and Write On!
Liv
New me.... maybe


17
17
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Fabulous work on the review of the piece! Like I said to the others, I find the best way to sharpen the sword is to be given a list of things to look for, a passage from a written work, and then tasked to find them and analyze them! It lays a foundation to build more on how and where one can begin to work in more description to build the sensuality and emotion in your own writing. Often over the years I have been chided for reading the same novel over, and over again. What I am happy to explain is that the writer had achieved that which I desire to accomplish some day... Being published. I am glad to read a well written story and begin to observe how they craft their story, and what elements they use to keep me engaged instead of wondering what I should fix for dinner!
Again, great job by an already gifted author! I am definitely looking forward to reading more as the weeks develop! Thank you for your diligent work and attention to the exercise!
Until we read again~
Liv
18
18
Review of Building A1  
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is an excellent sensual/emotional "autopsy" of this piece! I always enjoy getting inside a reader's head and seeing how my characters come off from another point of view! I believe it is one of the most powerful tools that we (as writers) can use to improve our own writing. The tool of observing the technique another author utilizes to convey emotion and sensuality, writing about it, and then taking it back to our own writings to implement in our own practice!
Purple, you've done an excellent job as usual! I always enjoy reading your work. It is my hope that you are finding good resources to help refine your practice!
Bright Blessings and Peace~
Liv
19
19
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: XGC | (3.0)
Hi King_Brady. This is Lady Olivia, I am sending you this review today as I was very encouraged by your piece that gratefully did not include cartoon characters having sex! This review is meant in the kindest, most considerate way and hopefully will encourage you to strive to continue working on strengthening and improving your erotica writing skills. Please use whatever you find useful, and shrug off all the rest!

What I liked best about the piece was the last two lines: The two cuddled up next to one another, and kissed each other gentle. It was a shame that their honeymoon ended tomorrow and life would go back to normal, but for the time being, the two felt as though they were floating on air. Great job! this evokes a beautiful mental picture and connects the reader's emotional senses with your piece.

For lack of a better word, the beginning of this piece reads very awkwardly and tells me that perhaps you're new to erotica. For me, (and I have been writing erotica for a while), this writing form is about engaging all the senses and painting a mental picture that involves emotion and feeling to the point of.... "delighting" the reader. To do that, you need to think about engaging the reader's sense of sight, hearing, smell, feel, and taste. PULL the reader into the moment!
Let me provide an example from one of my prize winning pieces: As their lips met, fire shot through her body. The tentative, searching kiss soon turned to tongues wildly battling to taste and explore...push further. His scent mingled with the whiskey on his breath and the cigarette smoke on his clothes was intoxicating. And I make this example for one simple fact: I made the smell of whiskey and cigarette smoke sexy enough that I warranted LOTS of enthusiastic "Wow" comments even from guys!

So Brady, engage my senses... take my breath away; delight me in those wicked little moments when I steal away to read and review my fellow writer's erotic gifts! *Wink*
Don't give up! Write on...
Best~
20
20
In affiliation with The Talent Pond  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very engaging poem. I could feel that bright, magical hope and anticipation that we all feel with the coming of a new year. I find the detail and added bonus of rhyme scheme very ambitious and worth several reads to gain further appreciation of the craft of poetry. I'd highly suggest this work to any of my poetic friends.
Best~
Liv
21
21
Review of A long day today  
Rated: E | (2.0)
Those who are meant to understand, will....


Greetings and welcome to WDC. You were brought to my attention as a new writer in our midst and I was so excited to see what you would have to offer. This review is offered in the spirit of friendship and hopes that you will take the advice and pointers and grow forward in your writing. Blessings~ OliviaK

*Flower4* One thing that makes a piece attractive to the reader is a pleasant visual presentation. The presentation of this piece is chaotic to this reader. The double spacing challenges the equilibrium and makes it hard to focus on the prose and ideas that the writer is attempting to get across.

*Flower4* A poem should tell a story that relates one idea. In this piece there are a plethora of scattered thoughts that don't relate harmoniously.

*Flower4* The grammar within the piece leaves me more than perplexed. The punctuation and the form of the poem are out of balance with each other. There are some excellent poets on this site. Perhaps get into one of the writing academies and take a few lessons to polish your skills.

*Flower4* Poetry is all about imagery and emotion and there wasn't enough imagery or emotion present for this reader to feel anything that the writer might have been wanting to convey.

*Flower4* There were some excellent ideas presented here. I feel that the writer could have started about 5 different poems from this singular piece.

Ladii~ Welcome to the site. You are off to a wonderful start. However, you need lots of practice and polish. Find a mentor and do lots of reading. You should find that soon you are on your way to growing the craft you are pursuing. Should you choose to re-write and polish this piece, please feel free to email me and I will re-rate and review this piece.
22
22
Review of Masquerade  
In affiliation with Unofficial Erotica Newsletter ...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
New me.... maybe


Hello Ken! Here I am again! Bestowing on you the rewards of your raffle win. I hope you are enjoying my trip through your port through my eyes as much as I am quite enjoying your work! You've been spoken of to several of my WDC buddys today as I've been crafting my reviews. You are quite the appreciated author! Congratulations on some incredible work! *Heart* Liv

*Flower4*This reviewer find that the most erotic literature is that which is a sensual, loving, living reflection of humanity's sexual side. This piece is a wonderful example of a flash fiction piece that reflects all three points of this specific POV. There isn't any untoward language or terminology of the parts of the human form which, in itself, make this a beautiful work of art in my eyes.

*Flower4* This part captivated me: Without speaking, you sense my pleading as the moonlight plays over your face… the face of a spirit, pale with eyes shining in lust… the face of an angel of pleasure.

*Flower4* The part that stole my breath: Panting, I find I am not yet free as you continue with a mounting pounding beat until – at last – I hear your triumphal song of pleasure achieved. AND made me quiver....

Thanks for the great read!
Write on!
Liv



23
23
Review of At Her Pleasure  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: GC | (4.5)
Greetings Fellow Rising STar! I have choosen you for our monthly Member-to-Member reviews for this month. I am delighted to have read your piece and share my thoughts with you. Please bear in mind that this is just my opinion and feel free to take it, or shrug it off... Blessings, fellow writer! Olivia

Over All Impressions-
Hello Ken! Love the nature and essence of this piece. I find the cadence so alluring and the imagery so sweet. I am truly passionate about finding those treasures hidden on this site that stir the mind as well as the.... ummmm appetite?

(My favorite part/least favorite part & why)
My favorite: They say that you don’t judge books by their cover
and this is so true of my “demon lover”.
She presents one face to the outside world
that hides her true nature where her passions swirl.



I must admit, I didn't find one part that I didn't like.

Plot Synopsis-

One who find pleasure in pleasuring another.


Grammar & Spelling

Nothing noted


Character Development


Character development is perfect for this poem.



Ken, I'd love to feature this piece in my favorites very soon. I wait for your blessing.


Write On!
Olivia

beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
24
24
Review of The Spy  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: XGC | (3.5)
Greetings Fellow Rising STar! I have choosen you for our monthly Member-to-Member reviews for this month. I am delighted to have read your piece and share my thoughts with you. Please bear in mind that this is just my opinion and feel free to take it, or shrug it off... Blessings, fellow writer! Olivia

Over All Impressions-
This was a very sterile erotica. I was hoping/expecting something a little more sensual and inviting from you. I know that you know how to work the words and the feelings.

(My favorite part/least favorite part & why)
My favorite part: She reached over to lamp beside the bed, but in two quick steps he was able to grab her arm. She looked up at him, the only light coming in from the street lamp. He held her arm for what seemed like an eternity before letting it go. Nice visual image. It stirs the senses and makes one wonder what is going to happen next.



Plot Synopsis-
A single career woman finds a home invasion to be a most welcome occurance.



Grammar & Spelling

As written: Stacy found her self bent over the dresser again. It needs to be: "Stacy found herself bent over the dresser again.


Character Development

I got a little sense of Stacy, but I would have liked for you to show me a bit more about her. She seems to be a wonderful start at an enduring character. I can't wait to read more!



Harley, you are a super talented writer and one that has a lot going for you. I'd love to see you elaborate a little more on your erotica shorts. Give the sensual, weave a hypnotic tale! You can do it. And when you do, I'll be here to re-read and review this piece because I know you've got a 5 right around the corner!



Write On!
Olivia

beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
25
25
Review of roses  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
LoL! I really enjoyed this, Foster. I had no idea what to expect, but I like it! Very humorous take on a classic. Separate "blue" and "this" on the first line, and it will be on it's way to better; though "this" should be the beginning of the next line. "If" should be the beginning of the third line; for a total of 5 lines in all. I believe if you consider these little "tweaks," you will have a poem that is both excellent in form, and wonderful in humor!
Thanks for the lively read!
Best~
Cheffie
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