grammar/punctuation: It was typical that; spent (suggestion: typical that he spent ...)
with a brick? (suggestion extra line after paragraph to match the rest.)
funny- he (suggest putting extra space in there so it does not look like you are hyphenating a word.)
rating/genre: No. This is okay for 13+, but since you say it's about a relationship why do you use other as the genre? Use relationship as the genre. Or romance/love -- not all love stories have to have a happy ending.
character development: For the main view, well done. All characters were through his lens, so that was good.
Plot development: Got to see the scene through the keyhole, so to speak. Thought it was done well.
what worked/didn't work: I thought that you would have a hard time doing opposite gender, I am female so cannot judge if you hit the mark or not.
Overall: I like your style of writing and the way you command the story. Well done. These are only my observations, you do what you want.
grammar/punctuation: choices your making (use you're to replace you are)
A lonely sould wandering in the night (I don't know what a sould is)
It wasn't many people outside that day (reads clumsy. Try: There were not many ....)
Awaken in pain, he decided (Try: Awakening in pain, ....)
If sleeping on a park bench was considered being his own man, then he wanted no parts of it. (As written, parts s/b part)
their were cars lined up (s/b there were ...)
house and seen a group of people (s/b saw a group)
. He was in his in the ceiling (too many words or word missing)
who gon turn the other way (what?)
prophecy and I will just (try prophecy -- and I will -- just ...)
We here today and gone tomorrow. (s/b We are here ...)
Rating/genre: Appropriate. I would added death or religion as a subgenre, but that is your choice.
Character development: Got the mom down to a T. Glad you had her lie for her wicked boy, even though she is totally religious herself. That was a hard one to pull off.
Plot Development: Well done.
What worked: Strong ideas. You did not confine your story to a word count, you just said what needed to be said the way it needed to be laid out.
What didn't: I noted the obvious, maybe there are more. In your case, please do not use contractions if you have the tendency to use the wrong one. Spell out the you are's and the we we are's. Make sure you double check -- there, they're and their -- to make sure you are using the right one.
Overall: Well written, few minor typos to make it perfect. Love your writing style.
Grammar/punctuation: Did not see any problems.
Genre/rating: No. I was told that if you mention killing in any form it has to be 13+. And this hits more like a religious genre more than comedy.
Characters: Seems on point. Don't like to see such a wimp for a mom.
Plot: worked for what you were trying to say.
what worked: you have to hit the bottom before you can be lifted up is a standard Christian theme and this stuck to a tried and true formula.
What didn't: I was expecting a funny story and it was more of a salvation story. Granted coming to Christ is sometimes funny, more times than not it is chaos as you are trying to transform your life.
Overall, I did not find it as funny as it was promised to be. Don't get me wrong, you are a strong writer, I just feel misled. Keep writing and get the exposure your work deserves.
Grammar/Punctuation: didn't see any problems.
Characters: Fantastic. Each was unique and not a variation on one. Dialogue is fantastic.
Plot: Well done. Could see the whole thing play out.
What worked: Use of the police lingo. Got to see this person through a different lens.
what didn't work: Can't think of anything. Other than how do you restrain two suspects without gear?
Overall: This was well done. Thank you for sharing it on this site.
Grammar/punctuation/typos: Perfect.
Rating/genre appropriate: Appropriate.
Character development: Enough to give me an idea and let my imagination go the rest of the way.
Plot development: Superb.
What worked: Your storytelling is fluid and quite good.
What didn’t work: You were naming locations as if i should know them. Should i assume this is set in Detroit?
You are a good chap. Mothers everywhere would thank you for your "restraint". Thank you for allowing me a peek at how the male brain operates and for sharing your experience.
Grammar/punctuation/typos: gloved hand (extra space between words)
riders side of the rusty red 76 Nova (s/b rider's side of the rusty red '76 Nova.)
They drove on toward their destination. Their date with the devil. (fragmented. Use a ; or -- to join these two sentences).
store,
pearly (looks like you hit the return key and this should all be on one line.)
Katie giggled.. going straight (s/b giggled, going)
Yeh (did you mean Yeah? I can't tell if this is regional specific or a typo)
it. keep (Capitalize the first letter after a period. Or was that intentional?)
july (Months of the year should be capitalized.)
"oh, man....." (Starting a paragraph s/b capitalized. If it's meant to be that way drag it out -- like "oooohhhh, man!", he groaned.
(I prefer a , rather than a . to set off a quote)
driver seat (s/b driver's seat)
(McDonald's)
well hurry up (s/b well, hurry up)
Rating/genre appropriate: No it is not. Use the correct words and bump it up to 18+. It is just lands weird when you pull your punches.
13+: Recommended for Readers 13 Years and Older Only
13 and Older
This rating signifies that the content of this item is intended for readers 13 years of age and older and may be inappropriate for any minor under the age of 13. We recommend that supervising adults not allow such minors to read 13+ content. Horror and violence may exist at a moderate level, but not extreme. There may be mild references to sex, drugs or alcohol, but do not exceed mild levels. Mild swearing may be used, but no use of the harsher sexually derived words may be found, absolutely no completed F-word, or phonetic spellings of such words.
Character development: Well done. Not comedic to me. They are supposed to be coarse characters and that is what comes across. Plot development: Worked for me. I think there is a place like this in every small town you come across. What worked: You caught the angst of a first time crime spree. What didn’t work: If these are strangers in the town, how did these two yahoos know the town w****'s name?
Every time I got into the story, there was another typo to distract me. And self-bleeping the cuss words did not work.
If you want this to be action/adventure, and not a comedy, quit trying to water it down. These characters scream for an 18+ rating. If you want it to be a comedy, then make the characters more over the top and garish, and use cuss words from days of old like gosh and golly.
cry's (s/b cries)(both times)(consider switching one to hear my torment)
My spirit has been battered over the years and with no nurturing or love to rekindle a positive outlook the sky's appear to grow grayer by the day. (try out My spirit has been battered over the years. With no nurturing or love to rekindle a positive outlook, the skies appear to grow grayer by the day.)
You are conjunction happy -- consider creating two complete sentence whenever you can. For instance "by the people, will they hear" can be split into: by the people. Will they hear....
sight will (s/b sight, will)
upon me but (s/b me, but)
reply, I have confided (reply. I have confided)
This is well written, but needs an identity. Try dark and emotional for genres. If you don't like those, hit the browse by genre button and see what other choices you have. I would not have picked an other/other to review if i had not seen it in shameless plug section. It looks short enough to be a entry for the 100 word contest,
Please consider putting an editing eye to punctuation and grammar. I mentioned a few obvious ones, but there may be more. If you choose to edit your piece, and want me to do a second review, send the link via email.
You are a strong writer, and the bones of the story are quite good.
son, Jeff (I would use son, Jeff, )
both.”Once (I like to put at least one space between quotes and the next word.)
The "We telephoned" paragraph has offset margins when it does not look like it is needed.
I made it to the end so that means it is not boring.
I appreciate the family dynamics. Kids will always need their parents.
I would add a subcategory of family or comedy because it is funny the way tight families interact in crisis. It seems that all the personalities come screaming to the forefront and it is sometimes comical what turns up...as in your case where everyone drops everything for a pair of pants.
You can take these suggestions, or not, it's your piece and your choice. Looking forward to more stories from the family archives.
You have an amazing gift. So many twists and turns and I was totally blindsided by the ending. I did not see any obvious problems. I am assuming that she is the one that left the litter of dead bodies throughout the building and that the 3 men were police officers. If that is not the case, that will have to be cleaned up. I am just so impressed with how you paint a picture with so little dialogue.
If i leave a review it is because you caught my attention to read to the end. Here are a few things that I think should/can be changed or edited to help your story. These are my opinions and it is your choice to use them or not.
and then suddenly one unexpected circumstance, changes the very image of who you are (remove the comma)
see Gods (God's)
having a hear attack. (heart attack)
but he ask if I was sure (asked)
companies first responders, (company's)
hard to take a breathe (breath)
All I wanted, was to breathe and ask repeatedly for oxygen (remove comma)
4 hour drive (4-hour)
Remember you do not have to make the dialogue verbatim, just get the gist of it in there....it will keep the flow better. this story calls for dialogue to show the depth of love and caring that these people had for you.
I have to go to work and cannot finish this. suffice it to say, you need to put an editing eye to the punctuation and grammar. The bones of this story are strong and so worth the telling. Clean it up and let me know if you want me to give her another go around. Keep writing.
Only because this is a contest entry, my critique will be a little more objective. It is your piece, you do not have to accept any of these suggestions.
visiting I slept s/b visiting, I slept
the year but s/b year, but or year; but
odd dream that sometimes .... try out dream -- that
bed, my room .... try bed in my
sudden it's like s/b sudden, it's
I look up and feel a warmth fill my body. I smiled and watched the fog take shape into large clouds (pick a tense and switch the sentences to match up)
double space after forever?
there it was gone s/b there, it
As the years went on I think about this dream often (pick a tense and switch the sentence to match up)
Usually when people die is when it makes an appearance in my mind. (Try -- When people in my life die, this dream makes an appearance in my mind.)
They know a peace I had once felt and even though people have told me 'It was a just a dream' I'm not so sure. (Try -- once felt. Even though people tell me "It's just a dream" -- I'm not so sure.) (Even if you don't like this one, make sure the tense matches with what you use in the rest of the story.
If there is a word count for the contest entry, that would be a good thing to put at the end.
If there is no word count limit, consider adding what triggered this "dream."
You have a good start, just need a little editing. Keep writing.
Beautiful story. Hard one to tell because you have to go back to the pain and re-experience it. The emotions you play out are spot on.
Couple typos that should,in my opinion, be fixed to stop distractions
now?Coinicidence? should be now? Coincidence?
a while decide should be a while, decide
back on this wondering should be this, wondering
some may want the long sentences shortened or commas here and there. However I like the phrasing because it shows the scattered emotions and the random thoughts he was experiencing.
These are just my suggestions, but you do what you want.
I can handle the negative review, it helps me grow as a writer. What i can't stand is the slam ratings with no constructive criticism. Most times the writer already knows the piece is weak and just wants some help. A slam rating with no help is just mean-spirited
This is exactly what it's like. Both from the view of the person facing a terminal condition and the caregivers. It is just so spot on and relevant from both points of view.
Nice little plot twist at the end.
Looking around I see a Tucker [Did you phrase it that way for a reason to show that the two dead men were part of the same family? It left more questions than answered.]
Barely 22 and already burying a husband and father of an unborn child [It's your story, but i would have written: [Barely 22, and already burying my two loves: my husband and the father of my unborn child.] Or is that just me not being able to figure out the players in this melodrama?
So that's all i got for this beautiful little period piece.
Well that's one way to have the guilts on the wedding day. I don't know that I would have had the guts to tell a story like this in less than 300 words. Your ideas are strong I could get the gist of who these people were through the vignettes in your story.
There are lots of ways to expand this story if needed. No obvious flaws, just a personal thing that i don't like the turn of phrase "just then".
Good job. I have reviewed your work before and you are on my favorites list.
You know this is fantastic. Dialogue is superb, characters are spot on, start to finish I was right there and could "see" and "hear" everything. Cannot think of one thing to change. Well done.
I grew up on a farm and no offense, my dad never talked like that. It really was grueling work for not much pay and we loved it. We were grounded in faith and very disciplined. My dad never referred to us as angelic and none of the neighbors wanted angelic kids. They wanted respectful kids who knew how to work. So with that said,
were you trying to go for the movement between daydreaming of a better life, to the routine of the one he was "stuck" in? If yes, you hit the mark. If not, I missed the point.
The last line is perfect. I can see a farmer saying it just like that. If you are planning on rewriting this, get in the dirt. Go where a man who prefers scratching in the dirt would go, with the way you turn the sentence, to the way a conversation unfolds. Work backward from your last sentence, that is where the genius is.
Just my opinion, that this has good solid ideas, just want to see more of the farmer's heart.
You already know this is a fantastic piece. You had my attention from start to finish. You did not go for the happy ending, and I appreciate that you did not take the easy way.
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