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1
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
No time today, but will come back to check this out! ...RK
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2
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well said, my friend, well said! ~ *Heart* ...RK
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Review of Black and White  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

Excellent. Your descriptive powers are impressive.

Favorite line/stanza/paragraph/part:

I can't pick a favorite part. It is all good. I suppose I'd say the closing line is the best, if pressed.

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I found no grammar/punctuation/spelling errors. *Thumbsup*

Misc.:

Keep up the great job!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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Review of Delicious  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I could smell the earthy scent of wet wood when I read this! I love it.

Favorite line/stanza/paragraph/part:

Out of the blue comes the downpour
Drenching the savannah’s brown dominance
Turning the bleak to green translucence

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I found no grammar/punctuation/spelling errors. *Thumbsup*

Misc.:

Thanks for the beautiful interlude!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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5
5
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I love this poem! It brings back memories, and it sent me mentally scurrying back to yearbook-signing parties at the Fitzgerald's little store across from the school.... Thanks!

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* Sometimes when I look upon September's since, Septembers needs no apostrophe, as it is neither possessive nor a contraction. Other than this, I found no spelling/grammar errors

Misc.:

Great job! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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6
6
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This story has great potential, but needs some careful editing for such bugaboos as punctuation, capitalization, grammar and excessive use of passive verbs. *Smile* You need to do a bit more showing and less telling with this one.

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* Rolo, the littlest wizard, waved his magic stick... Do you think "wand" would work better?

*Leaf1* glowing, as thought they had been painted with the dust of the moon... though (also, remove comma after "glowing"; perhaps: "glowing as if painted by moondust"..?

*Leaf1* but he could not get them to dance-- Particularly one butterfly . Remove second dash/do not capitalize "particularly" as it is in the middle of the sentence. You do this quite a bit throughout the piece. A careful read-through with an eye toward capitalization would be useful.

*Leaf1* "Oooh, I'll never get it right!” Thought Rolo, with great disappointment. "thought" should not be capitalized because, despite the exclamation point, it is part of the preceding sentence. Also, "with great disappointment" is very passive - perhaps: "stamping his feet in frustration" or "as disappointment furrowed his brow"...

*Leaf1* He knew that he was running out of time. Try to drop "that" any time you can. It's very often deadwood that should be deleted.

*Leaf1* There were only three more days before he would have to present himself before Windella, queen of the fairies, who gave all wizards and sorcerers their magic sticks from the branches of the “Great Tree.” Try using more active verbs throughout. For example: "With only three more days to practice, Rolo trembled at the thought of presenting himself before Fairy Queen Windella, who granted worthy wizards and sorcerors magic wands crafted from branches...." Also, quotations are not needed for the Great Tree. (You might give the tree a more colorful name. Authors often use key words from literature and mythology to name their characters' magic wands and etc. - The Wand of Icharis, The Great Tree of Akantha, for example - see: http://www.behindthename.com/nmc/myth.php for mythology names and their meanings)

*Leaf1* Over the years, Windella had become harder and harder to please Toward more active wording: "Windella had grown increasingly difficult to please with each passing year."

*Leaf1* He lived in a mighty castle, and when he was summoned by some king to make a potion to cure a sickness, or perform a spell to protect an army going into battle, he would travel with a grand entourage. He had two apprentices, who would follow close behind him, ready to assist in any magic First sentence is very long, and both could be more active: "He lived in a mighty castle. Often summoned by kings to make healing potions or cast protective spells over armies going into battle, Lorku always traveled with his grand entourage. Two apprentices followed close behind, awaiting his call, while another servant lead the mule-driven cart housing all his ingredients and potions." (mule-driven is a compound modifier)

*Leaf1* And there was Bome-ba, the dwarf, who beat a steady rhythm on a drum as they traveled, and shouted announcement of Lorku's arrival whenever they entered a town or village Active: "The dwarf, Bome-ba, beat a steady rhythm on the drum as they traveled, announcing Lorku's arrival with bold shouts as they entered a village."

*Leaf1* Oh, he couldn't event get those even

*Leaf1* “Only three days to go.” Rolo sighed to himself, as that one butterfly wandered off again. It seemed the only one who would appreciate his magic was Pookita-- who was spellbound. Need comma instead of period after "go". How about: "...go," Rolo sighed to himself, watching the lone errant butterfly wander off again. Pookita watched, spellbound. 'You'll be the only one who appreciates my magic old friend,' he told her."

*Leaf1* On the morning of the big day, Rolo woke up early "on" is another of those deadwood words it's best to avoid if possible. How about: "Rolo awoke early the big day..."

*Leaf1* Pookita, who had been watching Rolo prepare, gave a curious meow How about: Pookita meowed curiously, watching his preparations.

*Leaf1* At noon, Rolo and Pookita stopped by the side of the road to have lunch. After lunch, Rolo decided to practice his spell one more time The names are repeated in almost every sentence; substitute pronouns occasionally: "They stopped by the roadside at noon for lunch, after which Rolo decided to practice his spell one last time..."

*Leaf1* And finally, his servant leading the mule cart. This is an incomplete sentence: "His servant followed with the mule cart, completing the procession."

*Leaf1* "“I present the great and powerful wizard, Lorku. Conjurer of magnificence and Sorcerer to kings." Should be: "I present the great and powerful wizard Lorku, conjurer of magnificence and sorceror to kings!"

*Leaf1* He wasn't sure if he was supposed to bow or not "or not" could be dropped

*Leaf1* Lorku looked down at Rolo, but said nothing He just Need period after "nothing"

*Leaf1* and Rolo was even more sure that Lorku's magic would impress Windella. How about "even more certain", as "more sure" is a bit odd sounding? *Smile* Also could drop "that" for smoother flow

*Leaf1* When Rolo arrived at the Great Tree with Pookita, there was a grand festival underway More active: "Rolo and Pookita arrived at the Great Tree to find the grand festival in full swing."

*Leaf1* Windella called for the music to stop,. It was Drop comma

*Leaf1* With a deep breath he stepped into the clearing before Windella's throne, Pookita started to follow. Need comma after prepositional phrase "with a deep breath". Use period after "throne" to rectify comma-splice, or re-word: "Stepping before Windella's throne in the clearing, he breathed deeply, noticing Pookita starting to follow."

*Leaf1* Greetings Queen Windella, I am Rolo, Need period or semi-colon after "Windella" instead of comma

*Leaf1* As he swayed and swirled his magic stick, the butterflies began to dance, swirling and swaying with the motion of the stick. This sentence is very repetetive. How about: "The butterflies began to dance, swaying and swirling with the wand's motions."

*Leaf1* Rolo looked up to Windella on her throne, and thought he saw the beginning of a smile, And then that one Another comma-splice - need period after "smile". "And" is used quite frequently, often at the beginning of the sentence. You might want to go through and rework some of these.

*Leaf1* She crouched behind a a loaf of bread, and at just the right moment , she pounced Omit extra "a", and extra space after "moment"

*Leaf1* red punch washed over the table ruining all the deserts. Need comma after "table"

*Leaf1* BOOM-ba-ba-ba-boom-ba-boom!!” Second exclamation point unnecessary

*Leaf1* Fairies of th Great Tree! the

*Leaf1* The Sultan's of the east and the great King's of the north Delete apostrophes, as these words are not possessive or contractions

*Leaf1* powerful, Lorku!!” delete comma

*Leaf1* Suddenly there was a flash of light and smoke, and from it appeared, Lorku-the great. No commas needed in this sentence. More active: "From the sudden flash of light and billowing smoke appeared Lorku the Great."

*Leaf1* He was welcomed with cheers of awe from the fairies. Active: "The fairies welcomed him with cheers of awe."

*Leaf1* Lorku waited for the cheering to quiet and then he spoke "and" used too often: "Lorku waited for the cheering to quiet before speaking"

*Leaf1* stopped bowing and started watching he young fairies flying close by watching the...

*Leaf1* A panic instantly came over the fairies again, passive...

*Leaf1* Rolo looked to Queen Windella,. Her magic was so powerful, that with one word, she could stop the wild dragon, but she just sat on her throne calmly and looked at Rolo. Several problems here, beginning with the extra comma after "Windella". Corrected: "Rolo looked to Queen Windella, whose magic was so powerful she could stop the wild dragon with just a word. But she merely sat calmly on her throne, looking back at him."

*Leaf1* You have each shown the value or you magic to me today, and it it is my decision "your magic" (and, delete second "it")

*Leaf1* but he knew better Than to challenge "that" shouldn't be capitalized in the middle of the sentence

*Leaf1* the littles wizard littlest

*Leaf1* Lorku snarled at him, “Oh, shut up!” and stormed down the road with his servants following after. Drop "after". Might try: "Lorku snarled at him. "Oh, shut up!" He stormed down the road, leaving his servants scrambling to follow.

*Leaf1* And pookita said, "Meow." Beginning a sentence with "and" is generally not a good idea. Cat's name should be capitalized. The period should be outside the quotations, since sentence begins outside quotations.

Misc.:

This is a cute story with great potential, as I said. You might tinker a bit with the sentences to eliminate passive verbs wherever possible. Think of it this way - active verbs carry the story along, while passive verbs lie flat, leaving the reader to do all the work. *Laugh*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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7
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Review of The Vision  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This poem has a heavy message that is belied by its almost sing-song rhyming pattern. You portrayed the dream well, but I wonder if free verse might not have served your purpose better.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

And now I wonder why we are there,
Over in some foreign land,
Losing men and losing wars,
And maiming both child and man.
We say we are fighting Communism,
And that we’re destined to win,
But I think what we’re really doing,
Is spending money and killing men.


Your message is clear and easily understood within the dream framework. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I sat up with and rubbed my eyes, This line, the first of the fifth stanza, seems incomplete. Sat up with what?

*Leaf* I guess I saw what other do, Did you mean "what others do"?


Misc.:

This poem brought back memories of school days, when we bought POW/MIA bracelets and prayed for "the boys to come home". As I said before, you present your story in an understandable fashion, but I'd tinker with the rhyme - perhaps use free verse or at least loosen up the meter and use some oblique rhyme to remove the sing-song, nursery rhyme quality when read aloud. A great book on the subject of rhyme and meter is "How to Write Poetry" by Diane Mehta - 2008 Spark Publishing, New York.(I realize you wrote this quite some time ago, and you may wish to keep it thus. Just suggesting.) Keep writing! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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8
Review of Asleep  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This poem demands a second and even third read to reveal the full and weighted impact of its words.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

Look deep within the marbled face
lined mirrored images, see your own
likeness reflected there.
Linc Berndt left a flag behind.


Beautiful. *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I could find no grammatical/spelling/punctuation errors *Bigsmile*

Misc.:

This poem speaks to us of imprisonment and freedom reflected in many different ways. Great job! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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9
9
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I greatly enjoyed the imagery in this work.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

The final couplet, which I'll not copy here, hit me with a shiver. I love that! *Thumbsup*

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I found no errors in this poem, and can make no suggestions for improvement.

Misc.:

Great job! *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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10
10
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like this one, but the punctuation made me wonder a bit... why put a semi-colon after "like" in the first line of the first stanza? It breaks the sentence in half, and is very confusing. I think you should take a hard look at punctuation throughout. In the third stanza, I'm not certain what "doef doef" signifies, as it is supposed to "warm those windy months"...? Would it be more appropriate as:

Preparations began - the distant sounds: doef, doef,
to warm those windy months; sparkling decorations

I think the overall theme and message of the poem are hidden under confusing punctuation. Uncover it and let it breathe. It's worth it! ~ *Heart* ...RK

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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11
Review of Ballbreakers  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice picture of your friend. So many times, those little moments with folks is what we remember. Our family recently lost a favorite uncle, and we've been helping each other by recalling his sense of humor, and his spiritual bent. It's so healing.

A few questions, though... How about "oh", rather than "o" in the first stanza? Would you consider dropping "away" from the final line of the fourth stanza and "will" from your final line? I think it would make it a much stronger poem.

Thanks for letting me play in your sandbox!

There is always room for reasonable discussion;
there is never reason to argue.


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12
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Review of First drum set  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Thumbsup* As I found this poem absolutely delightful, with nothing to "critique", I'm dispensing with the review tool and just adding a note here to let you know that, as both parent and poet, I found this to be one of the better poems I've read lately! Great job! *Thumbsup* ~ *Heart* ...RK

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Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
As a former newspaper editor/columnist interested in poetry, I found your article refreshingly straightforward and useful. *Thumbsup* Thank you for addressing the subject of poetry contests in such a clear, open manner! (I marked this as a favorite, so I can prepare a few poems for the contest.) As I found no errors in your work, I'll not clutter this review with the usual trappings of such. Thanks again! ~ *Heart* ...RK

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Review of Poppies Fall  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

I can see so many images in your words, and feel the mix of grief and hope.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

Poppies sway
Amongst corn.
Where our men lay

Very visual! I can almost see the blood of fallen soldiers spotting the cornfields.

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* "For all that died" Should be "For all who died"

*Leaf1* "On earth blood drenched" blood-drenched is a compound modifier, therefore, hyphenated

*Leaf1* Poppies wield
Dying embers
Of battlefield,
So remembers,
We stand and weep

I think if you drop the "s" on "remembers", it would make more sense, and still hold enough of the rhyme to suit your purposes.

*Leaf1* You might play a bit with line length and line breaks, to add a more mournful feel. Use of internal rhyme and varied line lengths would, I feel, add much to your tribute which sounds a bit too choppy and "sing-song" for its somber subject.

Misc.:

Although I feel your chosen form somewhat sacrifices your message to a certain degree, the sincere emotion of this piece can't be missed. *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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15
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Review of Not Forgotten  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Overall impressions:

This poem has a beautiful, haunting quality that belies its darker mask. I primarily enjoyed the pace and rhythm of the piece which, for the most part, carried me smoothly through to the end.

Favorite line(s)/stanza/paragraph:

I let the fume replete my lungs
I let my soul take flight
Before the darkness overcomes
There is a flash of white.


I think this is the heart of "Not Forgotten", and perfectly expresses its conflicting message of a heart that desires love, yet longs for release. I also loved:

When the past haunts and the future distresses
The present withers away.
When all three times stand ignored
What’s left is love, they say.

But, I wonder if you thought of adding an extra syllable into your third line, such as: When all three times stand bleak, ignored...?

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* In the eighth stanza, third line: "Beneath the many colored flowers," - many-colored should be hyphenated, as it is a compound modifier. (Did you considor "multi-colored"?

*Leaf1* As I said, for the most part, the reader is carried along effortlessly upon your words, and I enjoyed your use of oblique (slant) rhymes and varied line-lengths, which prevented the piece from sounding "sing-song" and simple. You might try reading it aloud a few times, however, (or have a friend read it aloud to you) because, in a few spots, the reader is "called up short" in the flow.

Misc.:

The emotion here is unmistakable, and the melancholy tone reminds me of "romantic era" poets I loved as a teen. *Thumbsup*

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor; my field is journalism, and I am not in an way a poetry or fiction expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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16
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Review of Junkie  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Although it doesn't call to mind beautiful images, the writing here is quite nice! I'm interested in where this piece was published. ~ *Heart* ...RK
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Review of Out of place  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice! I think we've all been in that position, seeing ourselves and yet someone else staring back from the mirror. Keep experimenting with poetry - it's a rewarding pursuit!

Just a few suggestions:
*Leaf1* Second line: "i" should be "I", & need semi-colon after "the face is not mine;"
*Leaf1* Third line: again, since both parts of this sentence could stand alone as separate sentences, this line should be separated by a semi-colon, rather than comma: "eyes too narrow; face too long;" (the word, "is", is of course implied)
*Leaf1* Seventh line: "cant" should be "can't"
*Leaf1* Last line: as you have diligently punctuated the preceding lines, your final line needs a period, or elipsis ("Out of place...")

All in all, though, a thought-provoking work. Great job! ~ *Heart* ...RK
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Review of Dream With Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely beautiful. *Smile* No suggestions for improvement. I saw no spelling errors, and loved the message. The repetition works well to accentuate your message. Thank you for sharing! ~ *Heart* ...RK
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Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

This is a beautifully tender, loving poem that touches upon much deeper, painful emotions. I loved the work's simplicity, and your use of assonance throughout.

Favorite line(s)/paragraph:

You eyed me, tried me, took me apart,
Then neglected, rejected, and broke my heart.


Suggestions:

*Leaf1* I think you could replace a couple of your commas with semi-colons;

Molded, shaped, formed and sculpted;
You did all that, and made me yours,

Without a touch, or backward glance;
You walk away, I'm in a trance.


I'm lost again; I've lost my soul.
You made me feel; you made me whole,


But I am strong; I will survive;
I will get up, stand tall, and take the pain


Misc.:

Other than those few spots, I could find nothing about your lovely poem that merits editing. *Thumbsup* Absolutely beautiful!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not in an way a poetry expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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20
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Review of Mon Mari  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful! *Smile*I'm assuming the specific capitalizations within the poem are for emphasis... My only suggestion is: "lavender scented" in the third stanza, second line, should be hyphenated, as it is possessive of "air". ~ *Heart* ...RK

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Review of Towards There  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Favorite line(s)/paragraph:

Surrendering to all that you impart,
in flesh as well as in the spirit realm.


Suggestions:

*Leaf1* In the title, I wonder why "Toward's" has an apostrophe, as it isn't possessive of "There". Shouldn't it be "Towards There"?

*Leaf1* I wonder if the eighth line would not be stronger without the word "and". With a semi-colon after "underwhelm" in the previous line, it would work nicely:

as we forgive the ones who underwhelm;
help us with our cravings and our blames,



Misc.:

Kudos, on an imaginative and lovely interpretation of "The Lord's Prayer"!

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not in an way a poetry expert. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, and happily toss everything else! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

The following are a few ideas I hope you may use

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* (Paragraph 2) Where was the tavern keeper or perhaps the local whores that frequented here? ...I'm not sure why, but the "or perhaps" seems to pull me out of the action, maybe because it seems too formal for this narrative. How about "Where was the tavern keeper, the patrons, the local whores who frequent here?" (Should be "who" instead of "that", as who denotes person (whores)

*Leaf1* (P 3) It wasn’t a place for high society he thought laughingly - Needs a comma after "society".

*Leaf1* (P 3) "The sound was quite satisfying after Gabe’s lack of luck recently." Suggestion: After Gabe's recent lack of luck, the sound was quite satisfying.

*Leaf1* (P 4) He only wished he’d been able to find Lucian Velenko’s very own crypt. Suggestion: substitute "personal" for "very own" ...?

*Leaf1* (P 4) His worn riding boots sounded sharply on the floor. ...Thumped, clacked, drummed, tapped - a more specific verb than "sounded" might add to the action here ...?

*Leaf1* (P 7) The darkness would only serve to aid the son of a dog. - This is repeated many times during this brief narrative. Perhaps "aid his adversary", to cut down on the redundancy?

*Leaf1* (P 7) VanHelsing only hoped that the vampire’s conceit worked against him. - Correct either way, but the sentence reads more smoothly without the word "that" (which can be dropped in most instances)

*Leaf1* (P 8) It was not unpleasant. It was dark, musty, and different. Part warm earth and burned ozone after a lightening strike. (Lightning has no "e") Also, just a suggestion here, but how about combining these three choppy sentences: Not unpleasant, it was dark, musty and different - part warm earth and burned ozone after a lightning strike.

*Leaf1* (P 8) The essence surrounded him like a lover who had overstayed their welcome. - As you mention one lover, "their" is not compatible. Since the protagonist is a man, how about: "The essence surrounded him like a lover who had overstayed her welcome" ...?

*Leaf1* (P 10) Still on the steps, he couldn’t yet see the foe - "Couldn't yet" seems bulky to me. Suggestion: "Still on the steps, he'd yet to see the foe" ...

*Leaf1* (P 11) He fought the anxiety, making his body make use of the extra strength the adrenaline gave him. - To prevent double use of the word "make", you could say "willing his body". It's correct either way, but "willing" adds to the impression of strength

*Leaf1* (P 11) He floated to hang from the ceiling. He was larger than life and seemed to fill the entire space. - This seems a bit awkward for some reason. "floated to hang" stops my eye, but I can give you no good reason for that. The second sentence might flow more smoothly if you dropped the "and": Larger than life, he seemed to fill the entire space.

*Leaf1* (P 15) "fighting to keep his control" - Again, "keep" is not as strong a verb as you could employ here. How about "fighting to maintain control"?

*Leaf1* (P 17) He was as out of reach as one’s own future. - How about: He was as illusive as the future ..?

*Leaf1* (P 18) The battle was over without him ever having a chance - Needs to be: The battle was over without his ever having a chance

*Leaf1* (P 18) The war, he felt, would rage on for perhaps eternity. - I think this one may have too many qualifiers to make the strong statement you desire. How about: He knew this war could rage on for eternity....?

Misc.:

First, let me say I cannot write this kind of story, so please don't think I'm feeling superior! You've done a good job of setting the stage for the battle to come and, as a reader who (secretly) adores a good vampire tale, I say, kudos to you.

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not trying to pick your work to bits... But, force of habit draws my eye to a lot of little stuff some may think insignificant. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, call me a nitpicking hag if you wish, and happily toss everything with which you disagree! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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Review of Be Black  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I like what you are saying. You just need a few spelling tweaks.

I especially love this:

Kings and queens black
Black that goes back for centuries
Past the cotton fields and the big house
Past the slave ships and slave whips
Past the ghettos and projects

I think we too often fail to honor our heritage (mine you can guess), as we forget that, although skin is the largest organ of the body, it is not necessarily the most vital. (Regardless of melanin content, we are- and should behave as - God's children.)

And create watered down versions of ourselves cause we hate black *Check1* as watered down is a compound modifier, it should be hyphenated (watered-down versions) Also, you should use either "because" or 'cause

Pretending to be black but cant eat or sleep black *Check1* I would put a comma after the first "black" (poet's choice). Do need apostrophe in "can't"

To us black is just a fad *Check1* again, poet's choice, but I think deleting "to us" would make a stronger statement

But do we really know what black is? *Check1* Deleting "But" might also strengthen impact

Were a generation of Wesley Snipes Bamboozled children *Check1* Need apostrophe: "We're"

Children that hate black *Check1* People are "who", not "what": "Children who hate black..."

Cause the history of Mali is never spoken *Check1* Apostrophe to denote omitted letters: 'Cause

So we’d rather be black for just a short moment then mix with a lighter race when its no longer convenient *Check1* Should be "than", rather than "then"

Mr. X himself knew black *Check1* Omitting "himself" would add to impact

Our Last Poets knew black *Check1* No real reason to capitalize Last Poets

Sista souljah knew black *Check1* Do need to capitalize last name

So where does that leave us black? Unsure of this line's direction: "So where does that leave us - black?" or "So where does that leave the ones of us who are black?" Could be me, but I'm unsure what you're saying here.

A generation of people that don’t know black and hate themselves *Check1* Again, need "who", rather than "that", as it denotes people

With a prison mentality we can’t escape the box *Check1* Perhaps a comma after "mentality", and an elipsis (...) following "box", to lead the reader into the next lines?

The spilling of black blood never thought twice of *Check1* Probably my newspaper training, but ending a sentence with a preposition makes me cringe. How about: "The spilling of black blood never considered twice"?

Please tell me is that what black is? *Check1* This is more a command than a question. Question mark is not needed.

Baby mamas' not wives kneeling in defeat and dispare *Check1* despair (spelling)

Clutching on to their lost seed on a dirty street corner *Check1* I think if you omitted "on to", it would be much more effective: "Clutching their lost seed...."

Her mentality wasn’t strong enough to raise that child *Check1* Suggestion: Rather than "her mentality wasn't strong enough to", how about "She was not equipped to raise that child"....?

Too busy in the streets running wild *Check1* Either "Too busy running wild in the streets" or "Too busy in the streets, running wild"

she was worried about man after man but not worried enough about the one growing in her household *Check1* Capitalize "She", since you've done so on all other line openings. I have a suggestion you may feel free to toss: "She worried about man after man, with little concern for the one growing in her home" ...?

Cause another lost soul took her child *Check1* Either: Because or 'Cause

He didn’t know the barrel of his gun was staring at black *Check1* "stared" is more immediate and impactful than "was staring"

The self hatred and the destruction of our own *Check1* Need some sort of punctuation to separate from next lines... period, ellipses or semi-colon

*Smile* Please don't assume I 'picked your poem to bits' from lack of respect. You have an excellent idea and I thoroughly enjoyed your message. The curmudgeonly little editor who inhabits my brain just inspects things much too closely! Please feel free to ignore my suggestions.

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Review of Champion  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm sure your mother will be delighted with this tribute. I found only a few areas that need attention:

In the following lines:

"Im sure you’ll be my last
My final hour thanking god for the mother that I had " - Im needs an apostophe (I'm), and "god" should be capitalized when used as a name rather than a title: EX: I can see God in the compilation of Greek gods.

In the second stanza: when "cause" is used for "because", it should be written: 'Cause

Third stanza: delete extra space in "There 's"

Thank you for sharing! ~ *Heart* ...RK

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Review of Rage Within  Open in new Window.
Review by Cherokeescribe Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
As I am neither Hemmingway nor Longfellow, please accept these as the suggestions of a fellow writer who wishes for you only the best but who, alas, is far less than omniscient. I hope you find a few helpful ideas here, as I have found pleasure in the reading.

Favorite line/paragraph: The following drives straight to the heart of the writer's pain. In fact, it would be a stunning opening paragraph for this essay!...

"Why did I have to be the parent? Why did our roles reverse? I never asked to grow up so fast, to leave behind what was brutally called a childhood."

Suggestions:

*Leaf1* Although writers often employ this method for dramatic affect, many of your sentences lack proper structure: "My aunt, still a teenager, saddled with a crying infant during a time that should have been carefree and fun." - Should technically read "...teenager, was saddled..." I often do this in the rush to commit thoughts to paper - if intentionally crafted this way, please skip to next suggestion!

*Leaf1* (Paragraph 1) "Other than being born, what could I had possibly done, to make you throw me away so carelessly?" - "I had" should be "I have"

*Leaf1* (P 2) "Did you know of the beatings I took, skin ripped away with thorn branches, blood streaming down my tiny legs, my screaming cries filling the air and no one there to comfort me." -technically sound, but four personal pronouns in one sentence can pull reader out of narrative. Suggestion: 'Did you know of the beatings, skin ripped away by thorn branches, blood streaming down aching legs, screams filling the air and no one there to comfort me?"

*Leaf1* (P 4) "Your drinking always came first, leaving me your custodian, cleaning up behind you, making you put on your discarded clothes, fighting off your one-night stands, making excuses when the cops came knocking on the door, pull you out from under the bed when you tried to hide from some monster only you saw, the times when the police or your prostitute friend would come to the door, telling me of another car accident you had driving home from some bar." A bit long - could be perhaps broken into two or three sentences?

*Leaf1* (P 4) "So many times, my heart bled, I would scream at the injustice." Comma-splice - second comma should be semi-colon or period.

*Leaf1* (P 4) "Classmates can be hurtful when they don't full understand." Should be 'fully'.

*Leaf1* (P 5) "Always drunk, I needed you so much but you needed me more." This is one of those Throw Mama from the train a kiss goodbye sentences. As "always drunk" is immediately followed by "I needed you", it becomes a misplaced modifier, making it appear the writer is inebriated.

*Leaf1* (P 5) "Then back to the hitting, cursing, and verbal abuse would start again." Remove "back to".

*Leaf1* (P 5) "What did I ever do but love you unconditionally, even protected you the day I had to go see the school psychologist, who was asking me repeatedly if there was anything going on at home." 'protected' should be 'protect', or new sentence begun after 'unconditionally' (...unconditionally. I even protected...) Also, if 'was asking' changed to 'asked', will flow more smoothly (...who repeatedly asked if...)

*Leaf1* (P 6) "All the time, protecting you, watching over you, when it should have been reversed" Incomplete: ...time, I was protecting...

*Leaf1* (P 6) "You were always full of advice for me in your alcoholic haze that you would never do yourself." Misplaced modifier: sounds like Mom wouldn't do an alcoholic haze herself. Perhaps: In your alcoholic haze, you were always full of advice for me that you would never carry out yourself. (Could use 'execute', 'carry out', etc. 'Do' is serviceable, but a bit dry.)

*Leaf1* (P 6) "I never understood why you never even tried to do better for you, or us." Again, the word 'do'. Perhaps: I never understood why you never even tried to improve your life, or ours...?

*Leaf1* (P 7) "I know now some people just aren't meant to be parents, maybe that's why you weren't there when I was raped as a child and later as a teenager." Personal preference here, but it reads more smoothly and sounds stronger if you drop a few words in the prepositional phrase: Some just aren't meant to be parents. Maybe that's why....

*Leaf1* (P 7) "All types of abuse and you turned the other way." Incomplete. Perhaps: I suffered all types....

*Leaf1* (P 7) "Inside I would rage and scream for the injustice, and still could not love you less" Sounds as if writer seeking injustice: change "for the injustice" to "at the injustice"... "and still I loved you" would be stronger ending.

*Leaf1* (P 8) I think if you drop the word "Even" from the first sentence here, it will make a stronger statement.

*Leaf1* (P 8) In the second sentence, should be "wept and raged

*Leaf1* (P 8) "flesh rending pain": as flesh-rending is a compound modifier, should be hyphenated.

*Leaf1* (P 9) "Though I still rage at what I went through, I tell myself that it made me stronger and showed me what not to do with my child, how to avoid repeating the life we both led." Endured is more active than went through. Perhaps: Though I still rage at what I endured, it made me stronger - showed me how to avoid repeating our nightmare with my own child. ...?

*Leaf1* (final P) "I am still trying to forgive and maybe at the end of my days, I will finally be able to forgive." Could trim a bit: I still try to forgive. Maybe at the end of my days, I'll succeed.


Misc.:

You have done a great job of expressing a child's jumbled feelings of fear, hatred, disgust and love for an alcoholic parent. While the question, "Why?" was effectively repeated for effect, I think several words crept in repeatedly by accident, weakening the work's impact a bit. "Even," in most instances, could be cut for better effect. It's always a battle in this type essay to limit personal pronouns, "I, me, my, mine", but it's well worth the effort most times.

For background, please remember I worked years as a newspaper editor, and am not trying to pick your work to bits... But, force of habit draws my eye to a lot of little stuff some may think insignificant. Please feel free to use what you feel useful, call me a nitpicking hag if you wish, and happily toss everything with which you disagree! And, thanks for letting me play in your sandbox! ~ RK

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