Thank you for allowing me to enjoy and review your work. The feedback is meant only to encourage and inspire you to continue your talent. All suggestions are that alone. I am just a lover of reading and writing.
I really liked your title and premise. It drew me in immediately - great hook!
Narrative & Dialogue:
The narrative was quite strong, and your story moved along well, though the move from possible bi-polar to anxiety attacks took me by surprise. The dialogue was good between your three characters, though you left out punctuation here and there.
Imagery & Emotion:
The imagery was great, placing me in the coffee shop and then in the Institute. I liked how he couldn't understand why they kept doing things to him, escalating his paranoia.
Suggestions & Typos:
...just get it done. The next morning he sat and had his coffee as normal. He opted to not read the newspaper; instead he grabbed his keys and made his way to the Hospital. I would suggest changing it to this - more fluid. - ...just get it done and so the next morning after having his coffee as usual, he opted not to read the newspaper but grabbed his keys instead.....
His face felt flushed and clammy. He noticed his heart rate had increased and started to feel the “creepy crawly’s” all over his body. You use the word "felt" quite frequently. This turns your writing into telling not showing. I haven't listed them all but see if you can go back and change them. These sentences could read as follows. His cheeks were flushed, his skin clammy and he noticed his heart race had increased. He was sure there were "creepy crawly's" walking all over his body.
Why am I tied down,” (question mark after down}
take him back into the darkness from which had just woke.- he had just awoken.
Ted jolted awake.Jolted awake under no power of his own
. His head throbbed. Had his brain caught fire?
he thought. and it felt as though his brain had caught fire.
“What is all this stuff,” Ted’s voice creaked. - question mark after stuff.
He heard them chat in the distance, the last thing he heard before his brain threatened to explode was, “I love when people don’t read and just sign the papers. Nurse Sinclair, set up the Operating Room. Watch your punctuation here... "I love when people don't read, and just sign the papers," he heard Nurse Sinclair say as she set up the Operating Room.
Overall Thoughts & Rating:
This was a good story, that was let down by the punctuation a little. Work on the showing and not telling, and you will find your star rating will improve. Write on!
Thank you for sharing your work.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .