The lead into this story does not hint at what is to come. The opening is very well done, and this is a most imaginative short story. The description of the setting is well done and I like the surprising encounter. The story falls a little short on the transition of what saves the runner, I think there needs to be a greater sense of shock and questioning, maybe looking around for a gag, or wondering if he is having some sort of breakdown. As they start to run, maybe there could be some more dialog, from the entire family...."Come on two legs, you need to go faster, faster... It's coming, we need to get to safety! Just some ideas, nicely done.
You paint the scene of a midwestern cornfield on a family farm decades ago. You use the sights, sounds, and smells of a beautiful fall day with your grandparents. It is a nostalgic piece, well written. I would make one suggestion if you wanted to add a bit more to the piece, maybe a little more dialogue and a few more details about your grandparents.
You have a good start on your story, the imagery of the first few scenes is strong. I get a feeling of excitement of Cassandra. Three suggestions for your consideration as you continue writing this novella. First, check your basic line breaks, the formatting is off and it takes away from the quality of the writing. Second, make sure you set the scene, exactly where is Cassandra as this action takes place? Third, make sure you make it clear to the reader who is talking or acting, usually only one character per paragraph but that is not a rule. Just a few more tags for the charaters would help.
Absolutely delightful short story, the dialogue and characterization are well done. The twist was well hidden but you laid the foundation, with excellent timing. I particularly admire the tone and humor that is consistent throughout. A pleasure to read, nothing to suggest to improve this piece.
Absolutely delightful short story, the dialogue and characterization is well done. The twist was well hidden but you laid the foundation, with the perfect timing. I particulary admire the tone and hummor. A pleasure to read.
I think this story has real potential, not sure if it is the start of a longer story or intended to end here. The description of the characters and the mood and images of the scenes are very good. I think you need another run-through editing of the piece to smooth out the transitions as you move through the scenes. For example, at the very beginning it sounds like the detective is sitting in his office, he scrawls the joker on a file folder. But in the same paragraph, he is shadowing Darrell. The reader needs to follow the detective, knowing where he is and how he got there. I can see the intrigue at the end, but it is a bit confusing getting there in my opinion.
Nice short, I am guessing that you were pressed on word count. I like the back-and-forth of the dialogue, I am guessing you might have been pressed on word count. I see that the story is for a contest. That might be the reason for my two points for improving he piece, it was easy to get lost in the dialogue, not enough tags of who was speaking. The second point, a lack of setting any setting. But when pressed by a word limit, something has to give.
I do not write any fantasy and to be honest, I rarely read fantasy pieces. So much of it seems focused on trying to create explanations for the mysterious forces of the fantastical world. This is a well-written beginning to a longer story, the imagery of the simple environment and Alistair's puttering about the cottage looking for his friend Rusty. The dialogue with Rusty and the farmer is also well done and fits the characters. You set up the intrigue that something is amiss. I have no suggestions for improvement, you should post more of it if you have moved on with the story.
This is a finely crafted story, a realistic description of the environment and the characters. The dialogue fits the characters and weaves into the story. Writing action scenes is difficult, it is easy to lose the reader, but you traced the movements well. It was a pleasure to read. No suggestions from me, nicely done.
An absolutely clever short story, well written, and the ending was not what I expected. I thought maybe giant killer snails were going to get the young man. No feedback for improving this nicely crafted story, it was a pleasure to read.
The pace of this piece makes for a great opening to a book or long story. The dialogue between the characters helps set the scene starting with calm as an apparent storm approaches and then faster paced as chaos takes over. The description of the characters and scenes is clear and well done.
The strength of this piece also makes for a challenge, the fast pace makes it easy for a reader to get lost. I recommend you do another edit, making sure it is clear to the reader who is talking to who and what actions are being taken by specific characters. For example, the following passage:
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She trudged up the stairs to their room. Annabelle was already in bed, the curtains onto the balcony were open wide, the dark clouds covered the sky, she could see them tumbling, whipped by the winds ushering the storm. She left Teddy Brown in her bed and walked over to the curtains.
“Leave them open, I want to watch the storm.” Annabelle pushed her pillow up so she could sit and look out the window.
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Who is trudinging, mother or Clara? I'm not sure who all is in the room at this time and who is talking to who.
You have the start of a good piece, make sure the reader can follow you. Best of luck.
This is a fun short story; the dialogue is crisp and you clearly lay out the character's appearance and the scene. The emotional roller coaster Tiffany is riding is nicely done.
As a suggestion for improvement, it's a bit confusing as the mugger arrives, the connection between the arrival of Waxman and the voice. Earlier in the story the voice talked to her when she touched it. What triggered the voice coming back, and is the source of time slowing?
Maybe something like this right as she questions why she was born: She closed her eyes, cursing the moment she had touched that statue, she could picture it clearly in her mind. Her eyes flew open as she heard it speak again, "Daughter I am still with you. Be calm and relaxed, time will slow for you and you can take care of this danger, you have what you need in your hands."
Then you go to her actions..........
Then why does Waxman show up? Is it the force of the statue or just a coincidence? Smooth that out a bit.
The imagery of the scenes is very descriptive, as are the feelings of the character as he moves along the street after the rain. The piece conveys the emotions the character feels, doing his best to keep his emotions in check.
A suggestion to improve this story would be to carefully look at the sequence of events and use some scene breaks * * * to show transition. Some work on the grammar is needed as well.
For example, how the beginning might be adjusted.
----------------
I woke up after a difficult night, with little sleep. There was a downpour last night, drenching the city with every might of nature. The night seemed longer than usual, with the rain falling as loud as my thoughts in my head - I knew I'd be waking up to a long day at work.
I had wished that all the trash and the filth gets washed away off the streets. But I knew it would not happen.
*****
As I walked outside, I saw the sun pouring through a scattered array of clouds drying out the dampness in the air. There were still a few dark clouds, but the radio said not more rain today.
It's that time of the day when roads are filled with school kids and cautious mothers boarding their kids on a bus. I notice how the uniforms of all the schools are very similar.
I hope you don't mind my suggestions, it needs some work on the flow and some editing on the grammar. Best of luck.
This is a nice start to a first chapter, the dialogue between the characters helps tell some of the story of what is going on. The description of the scene and where they are is laid out. A suggestion, take a look at some of the exposition and action and see make sure it flows. For example,
As it is now:
----------------------------------------------------------
Large chunks of the exo structure had been torn and cut away from it's once pristine armor. Bits of debris floated aimlessly around the structure stuck in it's gravitational field, creating a difficult to navigate field.
The ship listed bringing the ring before it, and sending Kroll on his back foot and Dyria stumbling back into him, the first piece of debris already skipping off the ships shields leaving behind a rippling rainbow effect.
The first paragraph, is a bit confusing,is that what Dyria is watching or is it meant to describe the reason for the ships erratic movement.
------------------------------
Maybe something like this would work better:
The ship listed abruptly, sending Kroll on his back foot and Dyria stumbling back into him, a piece of debris skipping off the ships shields leaving behind a rippling rainbow effect. They both glanced out the window at the chunks of the exo structure that had been torn and cut away from the once pristine armor. Bits of debris floated aimlessly around the structure stuck in it's gravitational field, creating a difficult to navigate field.
------------------------------
Just an idea, there are a few other spots where the exposition or description of action, might be better integrated with the characters dialogue and actions.
Nicely written and it seems like an interesting story, I am curious as to where this is headed, I know the history of Paul Tibbits in WW 2 and it was confirmed with reference to the Enola Gay. Looks like you might do some more content editing, for example:
A word missing: to a large balding ?doctor? diligently
Sentence seems confused with reference to carved what is carved:
if he was going to send any of these scrawny kids until they were carved out of mahogany.
Bit unclear who is talking here:The General flashed his badge. ‘He doesn’t have clearance,’ he barked
I would be interested to see where this is going, best of luck
The imagery and scene setting are good, a few suggestions that might help.
1. For flow and clarity, describe Nathans's arrival at the opening to start the piece out that way. Starting with the main character's action puts the reader into the scene. How he is feeling, Was he afraid, anxious, or excited as he arrived? I will assume he was a bit anxious:
Nathan hurried up the stairs to the fortuneteller's shop, worried that she might not be there so late. He saw the door was not locked, and quickly took a seat. He nervously raised the gold chain.........as he waited for her to come in.
Then move to your discussion about Nathan's thoughts......it was no accident that ........
At some point, she comes in.......The witch came from where? and pick up with your description.
Is there any initial dialogue? Something maybe to set the tone?
2. If this is supposed to be scary, you might want to set the stage for some foreboding.....
You have a good start, best of luck. Hope these comments were helpful.
Best Regards
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