Hello the-dude462 I came across this curious tale in read a newbie. There is a lot of imagination and imagery that you have put into this story. I think you have a good start on a clever plot. I suggest you do some editing to clean up your punctuation and sentence structure. This is something I struggle with and it took me some time to realize how important it is for the reader. Take a look again at your very first paragraph as an example.
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it was a bright and sunny day for our pink haired protagonist, the sun was shining, Akumu was in Betty's hair relaxing, and Betty was in need of something to do, slowly she walked over to a pink and purple bakery with a piece of paper plastered on the window reading "taste tester wanted!" and subtext saying "volunteers optional"
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Difficulties with this paragraph:
Why do you say the sun was shining when you already say it was a bright and sunny day?
Does Betty have pink hair or Akumu?
I'm guessing Akumu is a spider, what happens to him in this story? I lost track of him.
This paragraph is one long series of thoughts without any sentences.
If I were to take a stab at this it might look something like this:
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Akumu stretched his eight legs as he nestled in Betty's pink hair while Betty walked along the sidewalk. Betty was bored but enoying the bright sunshine. She stopped at the Bakery with the bright pink and purple sign. She read the posting in the window aloud, "Taste tester wanted." Below that in smaller print, Unpaid Volunteers Would be Appreciated.
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Just my opinion as one approach. I think you have a good start and I wish you the best of luck. Keep writing.
Hello Sara Jensine I came across this short story in read a newbie. The dialog is easy to follow and it's well written and tagged to each character. The story unfolds through the dialog between the characters. My only suggestion is scene setting, there is very little description of where the scenes take place. It is a well written story, with a bit more descriptuon of the sites and sounds it might even be a better story. But that is just an opinion. Nicely written.
Hello Siobhan Falen I came across this story in recently revised short stories and the introduction was intriguing. As a first positive point, you show instead of telling through dialog and action. I think you set the tone just about right, a sense that this creature is maybe not so scary but you keep the identity hidden until the end. It's a fun short read with good dialog.
Hello Jeannie Cheering for Martel I found your story in recently revised short stories and the introduction sounded intriguing. This is a well-written piece, the dialog between the two friends during the adventure moves the story along and keeps the tone of the story. You provide vivid descriptions of the scenes during their adventure. I offer one comment for your consideration as a possible way to improve the story a bit. There is no real sense of drama or risk, two people that might be lost in the swamp would have a greater sense of fear. You could use that to create more of a climax to the story and then they discover the road. Just my opinion. Nicely done.
Hello Josy I came across this in Please Review. Your request was pretty open-ended and you say you are new to writing stories. You have some pretty snappy dialog to help tell your story which is a good start. I think you should take a look at the point of view, which is critical to the reader. The POV is the story-teller, first person, third person. Is an observer telling this story? Who is this observer? One of the characters or an omnipotent storyteller.
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I was really confused when I got to this sentence:
I loudly fussed, “Hey man out of everyone here you picked me, I'm still eating my sandwiches.”
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I think that is the first time you used first-person POV and I didn't know who that person was. Had they been in the room the whole time?
If he was then maybe at the very beginning you would have:
I was sitting in the break room when AJ came walking in. He quipped, not speaking to anyone in particular, “It is now my break meaning I get to a half-assed cold sandwich I packed myself.”
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A reader gets lost when POV changes or is ill defined.
Hello Evie 🏳️🌈 write&blog I came across this in Please Review. This looks to be an early draft and you are looking on for input on several aspects of what you have so far. You have started to effectively paint a scene, of a stormy late night for your character seeking refuge. My suggestion is to look carefully at your paragraph structure. Generally, the paragraph is a basic building block, with a topical sentence, supporting thoughts and then a conclusory sentence that takes you logically to your next paragraph. In this way the story can flow from one important message to the next. Right now the structure is a bit jumbled up.
For example, maybe your first paragraph focuses on the environment your character faces
The rain was pouring down and wind was howling through the trees. It was dark and I shivered from the cold, my clothes soaked through from the rain. But I needed to keep moving, it was nearly midnight and it might not be safe.
Hello Espero I came across this in recently revised short stories. I am guessing this was written for a contest with a word limit from the description at the bottom. Quite a challenge. It is a creative and complex piece you have developed and you write well with imagery and dialog to move the story along. For me there is simply too much, I lost track of the characters less than halfway through. There are references to they and them.....the sound of hissing made them aware...not sure who them is. It was hard for me to keep track of the story after that point. It might just be the nature of this challenge, I think there is really a great story in there. Best wishes and keep writing.
Hello SSpark Came across this as a recently revised short story. Well written with snappy dialog to tell the story between your two characters. The scenes are nicely described and the reader can easily follow what is going on with Steve and Mary after waking up early. I think the tone is a bit disturbed by the closing scene between them, but I have no concrete suggestions. Overall, very nicely done.
Hello Mapleleaf1, I came across this in read a Newbie. You have titled this a work in progress and you are off to a good start. I focused my review on the first chapter because this is such a critical point to draw in your reader. You write well and you seem to have done a good job developing rounded characters. In my opinion, the first chapter suffers from too much detail, every character's introduction is followed by a detailed description of their appearance and sometimes a piece of backstory. It seems to be a story about the daily operations of the hotel, the mystery surrounding the money that is leaving the hotel is too deeply buried in these details. On a more technical point, remember to keep character dialog clearly tagged to each speaker. Generally, the rule is a new paragraph for each speaker. When you use and action beat you don't need to include a dialog tag.
See the following section from Chapter One:
Pressing the small button on his desk, Michael said" Beth can you come in for a second." A few moments later Beth entered. Beth was short, with short blond hair, she was also 5 months pregnant, and this would be their second child. Lucy Severton 5yrs old went to the local primary school. "Luckily its quiet out at reception, what do you need." "Beth, can you take look at this?" Beth looked at the computer screen. "Yes, I see 200 pounds going out every so often, and?" "You don't know anything of it?"
"No darling I do not know. I could not tell you what it could be." "I see." "Is that all? I mustn't leave reception unguarded long, not till April comes to be there also."
Now here is a rewrite:
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Michael pressed the small button on the intercom. "Beth can you come in for a second?"
Beth shuffled in slowly,the pregnancy was beginning to sap her energy. "What do you need? There is no one else covering reception?" She ran a hand through her short blond hair.
He gestured to the computer monitor on his desk. "Take a look at this. Two hundred pound increments of cash keep disappearing. "You know anything of it?"
She frowned with a sigh as she looked at the monitor. "Yes I see what you mean. I do not know darling. I need to get back to reception and I need to track down April to help out."
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I think for an early draft you have an excellent start. These are just my opinions. Keep working it and best of luck.
Hello iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen, I came across this story in a WDC newsletter and it sounded intriguing. The imagery of your writing is exquisite, you create the sights, sounds, and feel of this ominous event. It takes great skill to tell a story in this way, without a running dialog between characters. A fine piece of writing about an important story.
Hello 🌷 Carol St.Ann 🌷 I came across this little jewel in a WDC newsletter, and the title was too tempting to pass up. Yes, we are creatures of habit. Sometimes during our little rituals our minds are elsewhere as we move along in auto pilot. This is an entertaining and well written tone with a positive tone. A hint that something is not quite right and you keep if perfectly hidden right until the very end. Good dialog to keep the pace. Well done.
Hello ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams I came across this short story in a newsletter on WDC. It's difficult to keep a piece like this moving. More like an internal dialog using the guardian angel as an inner voice of sorts. I think you did a nice job of countering each negative thought with a counterpoint from the angel. I enjoyed reading it and the message is powerful. Thanks for posting it.
Hello Qosmic Butterfly I came across your portfolio in read a newbie. You have the start of something that could be quite good in my opinion, but this is no my genre. The story is creative and the writing is descriptive and you have some good dialog.
You need to reformat the story to attract readers, it looks like a wall of words now. Readers immediately pull away. Get some white space between those paragraphs and one paragraph for each time someone new is speaking dialog. These cosmetic changes will help.
Put a strong hook of intrigue in early to help draw the reader in. Best of luck, WDC can be a great place to develop writing skills. We are all still learning.
This is a wonderful short story. You took a simple and real-world experience and turned it into an epic little battle. I think writing dialog for children is particularly difficult and I thought their dialog was a little too correct. But it did not take away from the story and it is a minor point. I was curious to see how it paid off for them. Nicely done.
Hello Pennywise I came across this interesting tale while searching for recent short stories and ended up on your portfolio. There are several things that are unusual about the format of this story, that make it challenging to write. It's all narration without dialog and no real character interaction, it's also written like a short series of journal entries. That is difficult to pull off, but I think you did a good job. You keep the pace moving with a sense of dread or intrigue. Is the journal writer spiraling into madness or a victim of a strange infestation of sorts, or a bit of both? I just saw something on my kitchen counter as a matter of fact, I will be right back and give your some suggestions . . .
Hello Futrboy Came across this story in the short story newsletter. Hard to pull off a monologue story. I thought this might drag on until I hit your little twist as to what was going on. You timed it about right and your character was spot on for a persistent bill collector. One who had become a bit frustrated with people not responding to his queries. It was a clever story and well done, especially for a monologue.
Happy New Year BlackAdder. I came across this as a recently revised short story. I like the plot and the twists coming toward the end were not expected. You told the story through the dialog and gave good descriptions of the characters. An unusual story, I never liked the idea of pineapple on pizza. There were some cleanup comments for your consideration.
Months of his life had been spent getting to this door. This sounds like he traveled a long distance. How about something like: It had taken months of preparation to be standing at this door.
Some of the tags were a bit off, in my opinion:
Cutter glanced at Baker, who answered smoothly. Hard to follow who is talking with two character references.
Edgar felt his eyes widen. Edgar's eyes widened with mock surprise. He knows what they have planned, right he knows about the conspiracy so he wouldn't be surprised, would he?
His smile was as greasy as his hair. I didn't get the imagery of a greasy smile.
My opinions for what they are worth. I think it was a clever and well-told story, I liked it.
Recipient of reviews cover the spectrum, some only want affirmation, some think that grammar and punctuation are not important. They are important and should be part of the review and comment process. The only time I would say different, is if an author specifically requested feedback on other aspects and the only comments a reviewer provided was grammar and punctuation. If a story is fundamentally flawed, the characters are flat then that would seem like the first priority of a review. I have seen your reviews, you cover a range of points. The gate keeper comment just sound like some thin skinned writers.
Hello Graywriter Congratulations on the award for this fun and fast paced story. The fantastic cast of characters starting with Peter the plant make this a wonderful story. The descriptions of Paul and Luis as Shelley are creative and colorful. You create the atmosphere of the chaos that can accompany a journey and set Shelly up for what might be as well deserved holiday. Well done, Happy Holidays.
Hello R.S. Cooper Found this in recently revised short stories, I have never actually read the original. This is certainly well written, standing on its own. The imagery of the narration before the dialog and action starts paints a clear picture of the place and the circumstances of the old woman. You drop a few useful clues for what will happen later, but you do not tip your hand. I will not ruin it for other readers. Nice climax, a classic of its own. I have no suggestions for improving this little gem.
Hello Serena Blade Saw the title under recently revised short stories. A perfect Christmas message for any writer. I have always believed that perseverance is the most important trait of any writer. I like how you kept this short, with a supportive character for your author Mel. The dialog was genuine for a brother and sister and it moved the story toward a conclusion. I thought some of the tagging was not necessary with only two characters, but a minor point. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Dr Gonzo Came across this looking for recently revised short stories. The introduction was intriguing so I gave it a read. I like the plot line, some unknown virus possibly of extraterrestrial origins. You do a good job of mostly telling the story through the dialog as opposed to narration. The tagging of the dialog is clear, so we know which characters are speaking. I have a suggestion that I think might help, the transitions for scene to scene are a bit choppy. Making it difficult to follow the plot line, the most signficant example is:
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“It’s in Utah, John. We have men ready to take the facility, armed and prepared to die for the cause.”
The cause being the ultimate sacrifice...the pure hatred of our species. Seeing human beings as the problem, and their mission as the cure...to cleanse the Earth of the human disease.
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The connection between this scene, the previous scene and the following scene is not clear. I am not even sure the role that John plays in the story. This is just a matter of some transition sentences to make it clear how the scenes tie together in the overall plot.
Hello Magnolia came across this short story in the recently revised short story list. This is a very interesting and different sort of Holiday story. It has a bit of a dark side to it, but a very effective and different version of Saint Nicklaus of sorts. Hard to write an interesting story, with no dialog even one this short. It is nicely done with vivid imagery and the emotion comes across as she returns to the hut.
A suggestion on the end:
You wrote: A man dressed in winter festival robes with a wreath on his head stared at her from atop a white stallion that was almost invisible again the snow. The Scottish Chieftain. The clan that had taken her father’s life.
Minor note: Should that be against the snow
Comment: How could she see this detail through a dense forest?
Comment: Do you need to say Scottish Clan? You said it was Scotland.
One suggested version:
She saw a white stallion just arriving atop a rocky knoll above the treetops. A man in winter festival clothes and a wreath on his head turned to look back. He gave the slightest nod of his head before he continued on out of sight. The chieftain of the clan who had taken her father's life.
I came across your portal and found this short story from this past Halloween. A pleasant and realistic tale of monsters in the night, especially for children. The pace was good and you kept the story moving along, keeping open the questions of whether something supernatural was at play or something less ominous. I will not disclose the storyline so others can enjoy this well-written story.
Hello found this on Please Review. The first chapter of a novel is so important to lure the reader in for more. The opening is effective, a sense of intrigue and drama with a storm brewing. The imagery of the scene is generally effective. You carry through with dialog between Erik, Lucille and his father to lay the foundation of your story. Some editorial cleanup will help in a few places, where I thought it was a bit awkward or not clear. Some examples, your writing in bold:
An unexpected clap of thunder made several people jump in fright. Is thunder ever expected?
"I thought you'd be inside," A girl whispered in his ear. From this sentence and the next few it seems like Lucille is not a close friend. But further into the Chapter they are holding hands and she is trying to console him. Seems like he would know here voice, his relationship with her should stay consistent.
Erik said to Lucille who was standing now with her head bowed to the floor. Isn't she outside? Should be ground I think.
A close read through again and you can catch these cleanup items.
My only other comment is the transition in the scene when most of the people leave, its hard to follow where the five people are. How did Erik and Lucille end up holding hands. Did the chapel have a large covered porch, where they were all at before they moved inside.
The piano playing seemed a bit awkward, there is a reference to him pounding hard on the keys but then a reference to sweet music. Is he sad or angry, the mood of his playing should match.
It seems to be to be a good start to a dark mystery. Best of luck.
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