Hello bn skinner, I came across this in Read a Newbie and the introduction sounded intriguing. I like the story idea and the plot line you have for this classic ghost story. The flow of the story is good as the intrigue grows about who the ghost is and why he is visiting.
I think it is a great start, I have a few suggestions if you are still working on this. These are my opinions.
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Regarding the use of the Blue Room something does not feel right about the backstory of why people are there.
There is a dark room for developing pictures. Sounds kind of 1970s but that is fine. It sounds strange that visitors would go into the dark room. That is a complex process and a bit dangerous with chemicals. I think maybe another backstory would be more credible.
The paragraph that first describes the apparition might need some clarification. The Blue Room is now a darkroom; is the presence of the bed part of the ghostly illusion? If so, you might want to clarify.
The long section where the exorcist is giving the explanation drags a bit as it is all exposition of au unknown story teller. Maybe you could make for some dialog back and forth between Glaring and the exorcist to engage the reader.
Minor edit - - - He doesn't say a world; only smiles. word
Hello Revan1466, I came across this work in progress under Read a Newbie. I guess it is the start of a long short story, novella, or novel. It would help reviewers if you put that into the introduction so they know what they are looking at. It's a fast-paced story that you move along mostly through the dialog. You seem to have the start to an interesting plot line for what has happened and will happen to your two main characters. On the mechanics, I would recommend that you look at dialog tagging and action beats to help the reader keep track of who is talking in each scene. There are a few places with extensive dialog without any form of tags to the speaker. On a future draft you might want to fill out your characters a little more, what are they like, what do they look like etc. Keep working it, you have a good start. Best of luck.
Hello W.P. Gerace, I came across this short story in Read a Newbie. This story is told in a classic third-person omnipotent storyteller mode. Difficult to do, but you have certainly done it well. The descriptive scene setting is finely crafted to bring the scene alive. What I like most about this story is that the reader kind of knows where it is headed, but you put a bit of twist in as John meets lost loved ones. I offer that you take a look at the following sentence:
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Out in the distance a little further down the walkway from his place John could hear the festive tweeting of Robins, their petite brown bodies hanging out in the towering oaks that lined the street.
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It's a bit awkward and at first I thought John was down the path on the walkway. Maybe something like:
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John could hear the festive tweeting of Robins coming from a little further away. He could picture their petite figures perched in the towering oaks along the street.
Hello Sophia Snowflake, I came across this short story in Read a Newbie. The premise is clever, imaginative, and original. The tone of the story is consistent throughout which is good for the reader. The story is told by a third-person omnipotent storyteller in a classic style. A few suggestions that might improve your story, IMHO. Why does Timmy immediately suspect that the coat is talking to him? It's just a note in a pocket. Maybe if the means by which the note appears is a bit more magical.
For example, Timmy felt something moving and wriggling in the bottom of the pocket. He pulled his hand back and then slowly felt again to see what it was, it was a small sheet of paper that was making its way through the liner of the coat.
Just an idea.
On a mechanical point, spoken dialog is in quotes and not written information. A standard approach is to make it in italics.
Hello Archer, I came across this in read a newbie. I like the plot and the twist you have built into the story. You tell the story through first person narration which seems to work well for this action story. My only suggestion is the brevity of the story, which might be necessary if it is for a contest of some sort. There is a lot of action that get's diluted because it is told so quickly and the climax is reduced. Best of luck and keep writing.
Hello Louis Williams I came across this short tale in recently revised short stories. Comedy is difficult to write and using animals as your characters doubled the challenge. I think this is a clever story and it is funny. It's a quick short read with good dialog between the characters to tell the tale about what Jonesy's mishap in his friend's loft. The ending was just a bit muddled for me, it wasn't clear to me what it was exactly that Olivia was given. It seems that Jonesy might have pieced together what he had broken but it's not so clear. Just my opinion. Fun short story. Keep writing.
Imaginative and creative short story, I like the plot and the character Harry. You set the scenes well and the story that is playing out is clear. For me there is a bit of confusion at the beginning because the reader does not know the context of the scene. I think if you started the story off a little different it would flow better. Here is my humble suggestion:
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Harry stood in the main gallery staring at the the collection of elephant themed art. There were abstract elephants like Picasso and there were realisitc portrayals. Small works and large works, and there was a massive one that so intrigued him that he decided he had to have it.
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Then rememeber to put in a scene break when the setting changes like when he wakes up to the alarm clock
**** [Traditional Scene Break Marker
Beep. Beep. Beep. His alarm clocked jolted him from his sleep.
A little work on the flow and I think this good story could become even better. In my humble opinion.
Hello Graywriter I saw this story as recently rewritten. I do not recall reading it before. The imagery of the scenes is artfully told and brings the story alive. This is a complex story and the shift to the encounter with the hawk is well done. I find writing fantasy like this very difficult, but I think you have done it quite well. The thing that threw me off in the story is the shift in POV that occurs near the end of the second scene.
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His parents had fought and died. I ran and hid. I should have stayed. I should have fought. I should have died with them.
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I think everything up to that point had been third person omnipotent about Jamie. Then in the next scene this passage jolted me a bit out of the story.
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Memories from the morning pressed his mind while he weighted the blanket with firewood against the wind.
“People call me ‘outlander’, Pap," he had complained.
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This is a complex and masterfully written story. I did struggle with POV after this point. But the dialog, plot and description of the action and scenes is well done.
Hello the-dude462 I came across this curious tale in read a newbie. There is a lot of imagination and imagery that you have put into this story. I think you have a good start on a clever plot. I suggest you do some editing to clean up your punctuation and sentence structure. This is something I struggle with and it took me some time to realize how important it is for the reader. Take a look again at your very first paragraph as an example.
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it was a bright and sunny day for our pink haired protagonist, the sun was shining, Akumu was in Betty's hair relaxing, and Betty was in need of something to do, slowly she walked over to a pink and purple bakery with a piece of paper plastered on the window reading "taste tester wanted!" and subtext saying "volunteers optional"
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Difficulties with this paragraph:
Why do you say the sun was shining when you already say it was a bright and sunny day?
Does Betty have pink hair or Akumu?
I'm guessing Akumu is a spider, what happens to him in this story? I lost track of him.
This paragraph is one long series of thoughts without any sentences.
If I were to take a stab at this it might look something like this:
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Akumu stretched his eight legs as he nestled in Betty's pink hair while Betty walked along the sidewalk. Betty was bored but enoying the bright sunshine. She stopped at the Bakery with the bright pink and purple sign. She read the posting in the window aloud, "Taste tester wanted." Below that in smaller print, Unpaid Volunteers Would be Appreciated.
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Just my opinion as one approach. I think you have a good start and I wish you the best of luck. Keep writing.
Hello Sara Jensine I came across this short story in read a newbie. The dialog is easy to follow and it's well written and tagged to each character. The story unfolds through the dialog between the characters. My only suggestion is scene setting, there is very little description of where the scenes take place. It is a well written story, with a bit more descriptuon of the sites and sounds it might even be a better story. But that is just an opinion. Nicely written.
Hello Siobhan Falen I came across this story in recently revised short stories and the introduction was intriguing. As a first positive point, you show instead of telling through dialog and action. I think you set the tone just about right, a sense that this creature is maybe not so scary but you keep the identity hidden until the end. It's a fun short read with good dialog.
Hello Jeannie🌺 I found your story in recently revised short stories and the introduction sounded intriguing. This is a well-written piece, the dialog between the two friends during the adventure moves the story along and keeps the tone of the story. You provide vivid descriptions of the scenes during their adventure. I offer one comment for your consideration as a possible way to improve the story a bit. There is no real sense of drama or risk, two people that might be lost in the swamp would have a greater sense of fear. You could use that to create more of a climax to the story and then they discover the road. Just my opinion. Nicely done.
Hello Josy I came across this in Please Review. Your request was pretty open-ended and you say you are new to writing stories. You have some pretty snappy dialog to help tell your story which is a good start. I think you should take a look at the point of view, which is critical to the reader. The POV is the story-teller, first person, third person. Is an observer telling this story? Who is this observer? One of the characters or an omnipotent storyteller.
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I was really confused when I got to this sentence:
I loudly fussed, “Hey man out of everyone here you picked me, I'm still eating my sandwiches.”
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I think that is the first time you used first-person POV and I didn't know who that person was. Had they been in the room the whole time?
If he was then maybe at the very beginning you would have:
I was sitting in the break room when AJ came walking in. He quipped, not speaking to anyone in particular, “It is now my break meaning I get to a half-assed cold sandwich I packed myself.”
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A reader gets lost when POV changes or is ill defined.
Hello Espero I came across this in recently revised short stories. I am guessing this was written for a contest with a word limit from the description at the bottom. Quite a challenge. It is a creative and complex piece you have developed and you write well with imagery and dialog to move the story along. For me there is simply too much, I lost track of the characters less than halfway through. There are references to they and them.....the sound of hissing made them aware...not sure who them is. It was hard for me to keep track of the story after that point. It might just be the nature of this challenge, I think there is really a great story in there. Best wishes and keep writing.
Hello Mapleleaf1, I came across this in read a Newbie. You have titled this a work in progress and you are off to a good start. I focused my review on the first chapter because this is such a critical point to draw in your reader. You write well and you seem to have done a good job developing rounded characters. In my opinion, the first chapter suffers from too much detail, every character's introduction is followed by a detailed description of their appearance and sometimes a piece of backstory. It seems to be a story about the daily operations of the hotel, the mystery surrounding the money that is leaving the hotel is too deeply buried in these details. On a more technical point, remember to keep character dialog clearly tagged to each speaker. Generally, the rule is a new paragraph for each speaker. When you use and action beat you don't need to include a dialog tag.
See the following section from Chapter One:
Pressing the small button on his desk, Michael said" Beth can you come in for a second." A few moments later Beth entered. Beth was short, with short blond hair, she was also 5 months pregnant, and this would be their second child. Lucy Severton 5yrs old went to the local primary school. "Luckily its quiet out at reception, what do you need." "Beth, can you take look at this?" Beth looked at the computer screen. "Yes, I see 200 pounds going out every so often, and?" "You don't know anything of it?"
"No darling I do not know. I could not tell you what it could be." "I see." "Is that all? I mustn't leave reception unguarded long, not till April comes to be there also."
Now here is a rewrite:
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Michael pressed the small button on the intercom. "Beth can you come in for a second?"
Beth shuffled in slowly,the pregnancy was beginning to sap her energy. "What do you need? There is no one else covering reception?" She ran a hand through her short blond hair.
He gestured to the computer monitor on his desk. "Take a look at this. Two hundred pound increments of cash keep disappearing. "You know anything of it?"
She frowned with a sigh as she looked at the monitor. "Yes I see what you mean. I do not know darling. I need to get back to reception and I need to track down April to help out."
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I think for an early draft you have an excellent start. These are just my opinions. Keep working it and best of luck.
Hello iKïyå§ama, I came across this story in a WDC newsletter and it sounded intriguing. The imagery of your writing is exquisite, you create the sights, sounds, and feel of this ominous event. It takes great skill to tell a story in this way, without a running dialog between characters. A fine piece of writing about an important story.
Hello Carol St.Ann 👓 I came across this little jewel in a WDC newsletter, and the title was too tempting to pass up. Yes, we are creatures of habit. Sometimes during our little rituals our minds are elsewhere as we move along in auto pilot. This is an entertaining and well written tone with a positive tone. A hint that something is not quite right and you keep if perfectly hidden right until the very end. Good dialog to keep the pace. Well done.
Hello ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams I came across this short story in a newsletter on WDC. It's difficult to keep a piece like this moving. More like an internal dialog using the guardian angel as an inner voice of sorts. I think you did a nice job of countering each negative thought with a counterpoint from the angel. I enjoyed reading it and the message is powerful. Thanks for posting it.
Hello Qosmic Butterfly I came across your portfolio in read a newbie. You have the start of something that could be quite good in my opinion, but this is no my genre. The story is creative and the writing is descriptive and you have some good dialog.
You need to reformat the story to attract readers, it looks like a wall of words now. Readers immediately pull away. Get some white space between those paragraphs and one paragraph for each time someone new is speaking dialog. These cosmetic changes will help.
Put a strong hook of intrigue in early to help draw the reader in. Best of luck, WDC can be a great place to develop writing skills. We are all still learning.
This is a wonderful short story. You took a simple and real-world experience and turned it into an epic little battle. I think writing dialog for children is particularly difficult and I thought their dialog was a little too correct. But it did not take away from the story and it is a minor point. I was curious to see how it paid off for them. Nicely done.
Hello Pennywise I came across this interesting tale while searching for recent short stories and ended up on your portfolio. There are several things that are unusual about the format of this story, that make it challenging to write. It's all narration without dialog and no real character interaction, it's also written like a short series of journal entries. That is difficult to pull off, but I think you did a good job. You keep the pace moving with a sense of dread or intrigue. Is the journal writer spiraling into madness or a victim of a strange infestation of sorts, or a bit of both? I just saw something on my kitchen counter as a matter of fact, I will be right back and give your some suggestions . . .
Hello Futrboy Came across this story in the short story newsletter. Hard to pull off a monologue story. I thought this might drag on until I hit your little twist as to what was going on. You timed it about right and your character was spot on for a persistent bill collector. One who had become a bit frustrated with people not responding to his queries. It was a clever story and well done, especially for a monologue.
Happy New Year BlackAdder. I came across this as a recently revised short story. I like the plot and the twists coming toward the end were not expected. You told the story through the dialog and gave good descriptions of the characters. An unusual story, I never liked the idea of pineapple on pizza. There were some cleanup comments for your consideration.
Months of his life had been spent getting to this door. This sounds like he traveled a long distance. How about something like: It had taken months of preparation to be standing at this door.
Some of the tags were a bit off, in my opinion:
Cutter glanced at Baker, who answered smoothly. Hard to follow who is talking with two character references.
Edgar felt his eyes widen. Edgar's eyes widened with mock surprise. He knows what they have planned, right he knows about the conspiracy so he wouldn't be surprised, would he?
His smile was as greasy as his hair. I didn't get the imagery of a greasy smile.
My opinions for what they are worth. I think it was a clever and well-told story, I liked it.
Recipient of reviews cover the spectrum, some only want affirmation, some think that grammar and punctuation are not important. They are important and should be part of the review and comment process. The only time I would say different, is if an author specifically requested feedback on other aspects and the only comments a reviewer provided was grammar and punctuation. If a story is fundamentally flawed, the characters are flat then that would seem like the first priority of a review. I have seen your reviews, you cover a range of points. The gate keeper comment just sound like some thin skinned writers.
Hello Graywriter Congratulations on the award for this fun and fast paced story. The fantastic cast of characters starting with Peter the plant make this a wonderful story. The descriptions of Paul and Luis as Shelley are creative and colorful. You create the atmosphere of the chaos that can accompany a journey and set Shelly up for what might be as well deserved holiday. Well done, Happy Holidays.
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