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Review of Reality Check 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi hbalmerca Author IconMail Icon

First, these are just my thoughts. If you disagree then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

A random Review because I felt like it *Bigsmile*

Linked to this from the for Author's newsletter. The title just caught my eye. Go figure, today's world is nuts. Anyhow, you have summed up here what I keep trying to tell people (and myself) time and again.

It goes along nicely with the "pick your fights" theorem of personal interaction, and the "what's this gonna cost me for what I get" question that people seem to forget all the time.
Picking a fight to let off steam is frustrating, we've all done it, (well, I have) and then when I stumbled across this If at some point later on in life I get a moment, maybe I'll expand on this and work up my own Reality Checklist, as well as a quick little manual on how to get to the Check Stage.

As for your piece here, it's short and to the point, and while it's not really a "made me smile" kind of thing, there is a positive energy that comes through in the writing. It's real, and doesn't shy away from the negative, just puts it back in perspective. I liked that.
Thank you.

Cheers. *Coffeebl*


DOC
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27
27
Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)

Hi again Beck Firing back up! Author IconMail Icon

One more review from Showering Acts of Joy.

hbar Author IconMail Icon asked somebody else to look at this one as well. So here I am. I hope you find any suggestions helpful, but please remember that these are just my thoughts, if you disagree, then no worries. *Cool*

*Reading*Impression:
This feels like the start of a much larger story. If not for the philosophical metaphor at the end (Grandfather's last words) then I could easily see this story going in one of many directions. Is it a mystery, she tries to find him the next day only to find out he was killed for the money she gave him? Is it a romance of redemption and valor? Is it an urban fantasy whereby he was the pawn of larger powers that left him discarded in the alley when they were done with him...? Flack back to his history on how he got there, build forward on what happens next? Oh my there's so much that a writer could work with here. As a stand alone story it really works the point well, and leaves the reader with a solid statement, which when placed against the backdrop of the first half of the story, and brought home solidly with the character of Doug, the message really shines.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Aside from a general sense of unease as I read through it (I'm a very visual reader, and you've painted some compelling pictures here), anyhow, aside from that, the only real suggestions I can come up with are related to character consistency and sentence structure. There are a couple of points where it seems that you've accidentally omitted or substituted a word, for example "large enough to do terrible damage to me. " is really kinda over stated. How about large enough to hurt me."
Additionally, why didn't she just call a cab? And after recognizing the guy, how many women would be running in the other when there were no bad memories to prompt that reaction?
That's about it.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good moral story, and well played using the characters you've got lined up. Only a couple of small points,thus the 4.5. Keep up the good writing.

Cheers!

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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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28
28
Review of A strange present  Open in new Window.
Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi mela Author IconMail Icon

First, these are just my thoughts. If you disagree then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I had to see what the only other entry was in The Cramp today, and once I'd finished reading it...
Well, you deserved the win, congratulations. This story is precious. My spirit soared when I read it through.
Having said that however, here's a breakdown of sorts.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The way you've detailed the guy's innocence as to what a pregnancy test is and looks like, and fully created a good picture of a bachelor in the prime of his life. Additionally you have managed to create what feels like a "real" situation in the apartment block.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
This is a Daily contest, so there's not much time. Goodness I knows that... especially with three toddling boys myself. Having said that, there's a couple of points that will make this piece flow smoother for your readers.
"His perfect bachelor life was ruined." There really needs to be a scene break after this. The disconnect threw me right off stride.
Second, take a good hard look at both the comma usage and the sentence presentation. I didn't run across anything specifically wrong (I can't line edit to save my life) but the presentation comes across more clipped and pointed than I was comfortable with. If it's saying what you want it to say then cool, but if not you might want to assess the emotional impact of the presentation as well as the message.

*Right*Conclusion:
With three underfoot and another on the way, this story touched me in way's that I cannot right now find words for.
Thank you for writing this and sharing it with us.

DOC
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jeff Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

Lots of big names up on the board, hi. *Smile* All the usual disclaimers apply, if you disagree with what I'm thinking, well then it just goes to show that we're all different. No harm done.*Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Reading this I was instantly reminded of the Douglas Adams six book trilogy. It reads the same, and it feels the same. That's a compliment. I re-read the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy at least every couple of years, just because it's that good. Now I have to forward this item to several people who'd love to read it.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Doug. Oh, and the comments made in the First Impressions area.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Couple of points here.
"Welcome to World Builders, LLC... an outsourcing" this should be " ..., LLC., an outsourcing" note the period and then the comma after the LLC. Unless I'm wrong, this is how we do it with company's when referring to them in professional letters as accountants.
The middle of the third last paragraph is wrong. I can't figure out what to do to fix it, but the line "...signing, at which point the money and all right" just doesn't seem right.

*Right*Conclusion:
I'm still chuckling. This item was a riot to read, and the feel is just so esoteric that Douglas Adams does come to mind. Well written, great premise, and I'm so glad I got a chance to read this.

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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Angel Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Please remember that these are just my thoughts. Writing is an art, thus if anything I say contrasts with what you feel then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
This an intense piece, powerful imagery and really high emotions lend an urgency to the writing that is often not seen such short pieces. But apart from that I'm kinda left in the dark on some big parts of it.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Imagery and emotional content are better that what I write. You've created an intense tangible scene here and I can feel the urgency that pushes everything through to the end. Harness that style and use it and you'll get readers that act like fans of your writing. You show a quick and effective style of hook here, and it almost always works.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
"There closer!!!!!!!!!!" should be "They're closer!" different word, one exclamation mark. Polishing up these kind of points makes your writing stand out, brings it up to the professional standards that any buyers or editors are going to be looking for.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
More like questions.
1- Why are the kids running, and why does the protagonist have to find his father?
2- What is chasing them?
3- Why is the sister turning into one of the big black things herself?

Just loose ends, and the grammar polishing. That'd do it.

*Right*Conclusion:
A compelling short story. I know the word count is important to this contest; I even try to enter it myself, but I never seem to do very well. But work more on the story and less on the adjectives in this story, that will give it more reach and depth. Word choice is critical. You've done really well with the descriptives, but the loose ends make it fall apart for me, I am left with to many questions...
I look forward to reading other short stories you write, the emotional content alone makes the read worth it, well done.

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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. If you disagree then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Morality vs. the Practical Viewpoint. It's funny that I've had very much similar mental conversations with myself about seemingly innocuous things in life.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
I'm not sure if this was set up as an introspective assessment of today's society or not, but the way you've build up the situation, creating the setting, escalating the issue, then ultimately resolving it in a manner that the reader will be able to appreciate. This was well done, and well played.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. Sentence structure is somewhat long-winded. You've gotten dangerously close to run-on sentences in a couple of spots. Multiple comma breaks in a single sentence make it harder to read smoothly.

*Right*Conclusion:
It's quick, fast and I enjoyed reading this. Truly it made a light but tangible emotional impact as I read the last line, thanks for that.




DOC
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32
Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi again Maryann Author IconMail Icon

Another review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Let me start by saying that I really can't write poetry. I enjoy reading it the way a person will enjoy a good bottle of wine, when they can't tell a vintage from a current production run. Thus, this is all just my impressions.
*Cool*

Now, I love space. The idea of space, the romantic notion that one day we'll get to the stars, and so on and so on. I've been reading sci-fi since before I could understand what Science Fiction really was.
I also have a hammock strung up in the back yard (for spring to fall) in which I go and just watch the celestial ballet. So now you know why I chose this poem.

I think I can see the format you're using here, and it's fairly good. Rhyming the four lines of each part works well, and the pacing lends itself to a sing-song recitation. The first four lines (stanza?) is just about spot on but I have trouble getting the third line out without stumbling over it. I'd probably replace the word "magnitude" with "scope" to smooth out the flow.

The second part is a little lumpier, but I really can't figure out what to suggest to make it work better. The imagery is there, the majesty is referenced, and the startling vividness comes through, but the wording is just a little hard to flow correctly when I recite it out loud...

Overall I'm really liking this poem however, and the next time I sit out back and watch the stars, it's likely to be with this poem in my head.

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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Maryann Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

I'm a sucker for a quick science-fiction read. Thus I read the whole story...
Please remember that if anything I say contrasts with your instincts, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
It's a quick and lightly written story. The individual components are almost too simple but as a whole it works really well together. I read the whole of the story, then I came back to the listings folder and realized it'd been posted for somewhere near eight years at this point, so I now ask myself if this is a little overdue, but such is life hey?

*Checkg*The Good Points:
As a whole story it hangs together well, very well. The writing is somewhat more straightforward than I'm usually comfortable with but it is consistent and relevant so that makes it work better than anticipated. Aside from that, the way you've wrapped up the ending with flash forwards to the other two main characters, Alisza and Lani, to show us how the whole thing turns out, it just wraps the story up in a gib metaphorical bow, leaving this reader smiling at the conclusion.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only a couple here. In the first chapter, the transition between the exposition at the beginning and the dialog with Alisza was a little abrupt. I'm not sure but in hindsight it seems to have been intentionally written this way. If so, fair enough, if not then a small transitional softening would help.

Additionally, there are other scenes that have the same problem throughout the story, but again it's not critical or even evident if it was intentional or not.

Finally, the one thing that bugs me the most is that in the future Lani still has a museum? If you're changing basic fundamental situations (keep them out of science) then how does it follow that the rest of their choices throughout the ages will end up with her having a museum? She _might_ have made such choices, but it's by no means assured. Just my 2 cents.

*Right*Conclusion:
This was cute. I'd prefer it if it was in a single item link, but I realize that I'm in the minority. Longer cohesive pieces are easier for me to follow than short segments of pieces.
Thanks for sharing this (several years ago *Blush*) it was a good read, and when I'm looking through a port the label science fiction will do it every time.
Cheers.

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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Howard Marcus Author IconMail Icon

*Reading*First Impression:
I'm not sure whether to simply discuss your concepts or try to evaluate the item as such... Let's flip a coin... ok, heads. So I talk rather than evaluate.

So, having wiped out the bulk of my review template, here goes.

Novel, first novel in a single year? That's not a bad idea, and one I can wholly get behind and support.

First, Learn to write on the fly, taking courses so that you're ready to start writing is, well, it's silly. It really is. Either your able to learn the craft by practicing, or not. If not then some editor somewhere will tell you so.

I'm going to have to go read your blog now. You actually wrote a review for each movie, that's awesome. I could never do such a thing. Writing a blog entry each day is easy enough for me, (see the link at the end of the review) but to keep it focused, I can't even keep blog posts focused within themselves.

The fact that you've managed to create actual word counts that add up to something. Its amazing to see what we can accomplish day by day when we just keep at it. I'll look forward to the novel as it comes out, I'm trying the same thing, but I'm not so good at consistency.... *sigh* it's the other wordpress blog at the bottom of this, in my signature.

Cheers,
DOC
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi 👼intuey Author IconMail Icon

Please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The initial premise of the story comes out clearly in the beginning. You've created some very good and moving conflict that kept me reading until the end. I like that.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
First person, consistently applied, no slips. *Bigsmile*
Characterization is somewhat deep for the main protagonist, as a reader I've been in stranger heads that were less well done and it just made my skin crawl. This one didn't do that. It's a fine line between crazy/obsessive and crazy/lunatic. I think you've held to that line well, mostly. (again, it's a tricky line and people all interpret this in their own way).

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't notice any significant errors in a quick read. If I had to make one point, the comma use seems off, but I'm not really sure about it. It just seems that you've broken separate clauses of a sentence up using commas rather than restructuring to make the words flow... Know what I mean?

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Truthfully, the whole story worked fairly well, until two things caught me out of sequence.
1- In a normal world a kidnapped boyfriend would have likely not bothered to kill her after tying her up. This just blew me out of the story. Tied and left I can see, tied and turned over to police with charges laid I can see... tied up and thrown into a lake...? Little bit far for my sensibilities.
2- The switch in the protagonists focus at the very end. She started out as an obsessive coercive character, then to cut his brake lines at the very end in an act of ... what? Granted, crazy is a bad state to evaluate the reasonableness of actions from, but it still sits just a little off.

*Right*Conclusion:
You've written a very fast paced story that draws the reader along, with good timing and structure. As I said, I was compelled to read to the end, even after I figured out that this was an 'odd' story. The only things that didn't stand up for me were the two points mentioned above. Well written and take care.

DOC
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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, Redtowrite Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. If anything I say contrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The title of this piece caught my eye, so I did a second take. I was hesitant to read this based on the darker notes in the description, as it's late and I was looking for something upbeat to read. But then I noticed it had no reviews of yet, and that there was just "something" about it that made me start reading. I'm glad I did. The whole of the story is somewhat dark, not bad, just dark. The positive notes wound through it however make the read well worth my time.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Three things I have to mention here. First, characterization. You've made a whole real live human here, I understand his source, his drives, his pain, and I felt his remorse and redemption... the woodcarving was a really good touch.
Second, you've manged to weave positive notes throughout the whole of the story, I never once felt let down by the tone of the writing you've put together here, well played.
Third, and this one is trickier than most people believe, but you've got a whole story here in only 2100 words. There's a defined beginning middle and end, and the conflict is resolved by the end of the tale. Again, well played.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Aside from maybe putting in an explanation for the blurb at the end I'm having trouble coming up with a good suggestion. The only thing I'd really like to see altered, and it's by no mean's critical, just my own bias, is the part where Lee is sliding down the path to hell. You've gone from "the good guy who's just working it out" to "the hell bent junkie" is about four short paragraphs, I'd personally be reworking this to smooth out the transition, to me it felt a little blocky and hard to follow.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good story, congratulations on the nomination to the Quill, and I truly enjoyed the story here. How you've woven the redemption and positive notes into such a bleak story is very well done.

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Slaying Negativity and Showering Joy
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, Thimpin Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

I know I've left comments on some of of the individual chapters for you already, but for the Showering Acts of Joy I opted to review the whole folder as a single piece, hope that's alright.

And again, these are just my thoughts, if you disagree please just disregard. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
As a whole story, this is priceless. You've tapped into the inner child we all were at one point. I certainly remember exploring the magical caves in the hill out back of my house... There were trolls in my caves, some good, some not so good. This story made me remember the troll hill I used to have to defend against and protect my family from.... For allowing me to recover such a priceless piece of my own childhood, thank-you.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
The tone, overall, I'd have to go with the completeness of the story and the tone you tell it in. Thimpin could be any one of us small boys. You've kept this story simple, one excursion, one conflict, and one major premise. This is good, I've seen many shorts, lyrical or not, that try to pack too much into the story, this one came out just about right. It would have been easier to read all through without stopping to make comments but such is the way I read.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't really notice any, but I wasn't actually reading it to try to find punctuation errors.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Umm.. aside from a couple of sticky phrasing errors made on the way through, like the line about "the most stubborn rock of the day" in the first chapter, I can't make a whole lot of suggestions, it 's a well done short story with a fun undertone. So, my suggestion, polish out some of the trickier phrasing points and call it a day. If you want I can go over it again and give you (in private e-mail of course) the points I felt had trouble like that.

*Right*Conclusion:
I'm still going to go with the "You should get this turned into a young person's novel, the tone carries it well and the story is delightful. As for self publishing I don't know if it's a good idea, but I really don't know anything about self-publishing. Regarding the story itself, it can teach young kids to follow their dreams and their imagination wherever it may lead them.
Thank-you for sharing this with us. I am a better person for reading it. I remembered what it was to dream and to believe, something I lost as I grew up.

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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again Thimpin Author IconMail Icon

Again, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I love the depth you've imparted to the character Bromyn. The first few chapters we're given a description but not much more. By this point in the story Bromyn comes through as much larger and older than Thimpin, somehow.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
None at all.

*Right*Conclusion:
Nothing new to add as a conclusion, it's short, quick and to the point. Off to read the last few installments.

DOC
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello again Thimpin Author IconMail Icon

Again, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
You've moved the story along well in this one, but I am not sure that this feels like a full chapter, I might have run the fight with a spider into this one and stopped at the next point. But then again, stopping where you did means that I'll certainly be reading on... so maybe it's a good thing.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
None at all, the imagery was vivid here, and the situation called for quick short lines which is exactly what you've done.

*Right*Conclusion:
Nothing new to add as a conclusion, it's short, quick and to the point. Off to read the last few installments.

DOC
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi again Thimpin Author IconMail Icon

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*Impression:
And the story continues, one more step along the path as it were. Delightful, a twist is solved, but another is added, and then you've placed him in mortal peril, always a good hook.. I like this.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one, in that the rhythm is a little awkward, but I've tried to figure out how I'd have written it differently, and I can't so I guess this is not a suggestion as such.


*Right*Conclusion:
I'm actually wondering if you might be able to find (or even just be) an artist, put this rhyming measure to pictures, and then it'd be a great book, I know my five and six year old boys would love it.
The writing style is just perfect for younger readers, with the short statements in poetic and rhythmic format, they'd be enthralled... off to read part 3

DOC
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Review by Duke-CastleChaos Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Thimpin Author IconMail Icon

Thanks for putting your work up for us to read. I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if you disagree with me then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
Fun. Yep, that's my first impression, a little boy up to his usual energetic activities, having fun, then things went sideways. I'm intrigued now, I want to know what's being set up with the hitting of the rock.... I'll keep this short and put up a comprehensive review of the whole story later.


*Pencil*Suggestions:
This line feels like it should be split in two.
"All morning long he picked and lifted and carried but the last rock was a hard one."
And this one is sticky in reading it back smoothly,
"and was the most stubborn rock of the day" it almost feels like it should read "and was the most stubborn that day"

*Right*Conclusion:
Not saying it's wrong, really not saying that, just pointing out where my sensibilities got tripped up in reading this one back. It's a marvelous piece, and I'm off to read the rest of the installments now.

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Sum1 Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.

Thank-you for sharing this item with us, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. If you disagree, please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
This story left me chuckling. It really did. The story itself was well put together but felt a little long for my tastes. I tend to write lean, with less introspection on things than you've given here, so naturally I feel that there was just a shade too much talking in his head.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
You've certainly developed quite a comprehensive characterization here. The protagonist's motives and rationalizations were all well done and I could follow things without even trying.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Nothing jumped out at me, and to be honest, I'm tired so anything I might find would be suspect anyhow.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Just a couple. First, as I mentioned earlier I would like to see the inner dialog trimmed down a little bit, or maybe even the scope and reach expanded so that the existing dialog feels like it's almost not quite enough.
Second, phrasing like this "He played a small game with himself, guessing at her measurements, and knew if he ever had the chance, he’d have to find out if he was right. " These type of structured phrases tend to confuse faster readers, and even ones like myself often have to re-read a part or two. Smoothing out the transitions without so many clauses in a given sentence will really enhance the readers value in the story.

*Right*Conclusion:
Man, I loved the ending, where he confesses to the wrong crime, and that at the beginning we were told he felt like he was being stalked, but it turns out that the woman was reporting him as having stalked her, so naturally I go back and read the whole thing a second time and that time I see where you put the switch in, how he's not following her every chance he gets....
Silly boy, he got messed up.
Good writing, poetry may be your strength but you've shown that you can do stories as well.

Dan Casey

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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Sum1 Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything I saycontrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The reference to a boat. That's what dragged me in... I'm a sucker for a good tale involving a boat. As for the poem/story itself, it felt like a large chewy caramel oatmeal raisin cookie. It's not fluff and filler, but it's kinda big as a quick treat. I liked this poem, I really did.

I've had the kinds of arguments you're alluding to in this poem, many times with current and past wife, and taking off.... well, yeah. You've nailed the sensations well, I'm not sure if the boat and the ocean were a good metaphor or a real experience with surreal components, but either way the story works as it stands..

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Even though you only had a few lines to work with, you've shown good progression of the stages one goes through in the moments and minutes after a good fight, when you're angry, self-righteous, cooling down, worried, second-guessing, etc... Oh, and the vivid elusive imagery you've used, quite the pictures were painted inside my skull.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
All I can see that might be wrong here is the use of periods. They were few and far between. I'd have used quite a few more than that myself, bluntly breaking things up into their component statements.. The rhyming couplets will hold the flow together even after periods are put in place.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
"Helpless in the power of the storm, tossed to and fro from peak to peak
He knew his life was nothing in the storm; its outlook was pretty bleak?|"
Twice in as many lines you've used the phrase "the storm," now I don't know about other's but this really blows me right out of my reading groove, it's like stepping in a gopher hold when walking through a field. Often it really doesn't matter, but to the feel of the thing it just changes everything. Just a little rephrasing or reworking would smoothing the whole thing out and it'd be all better.

*Right*Conclusion:
A good solid poem, and you're really quite good at this kind of thing. I enjoyed reading it despite having no real feel for poetry.


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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, janice48 Have a Nice Day!! Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything I saycontrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

And another disclaimer, I have no ability to understand poetry on anything other than an emotional level.... so technically I'm not the person to ask if a poem is good, all I can tell you is if I like it or not...

*Reading*Impression:
i'm seeing one big mess with several smaller people and you, all in an old country farm kitchen... That image alone was worth the time to read this.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Not sure most of the categories I tend to use apply, so I deleted them. *Bigsmile* As for suggestions, the syllabic flow of the poem caused me quite a bit of stumbling. The matched or rhyming lines work well as a tool, but when the syllables are more than two apart for the lines then it really threw me. If the wording could be tweaked to have the rhythm line up then... well then I'd probably feel better... but again that's just my take.

*Right*Conclusion:
This poem made me smile, the title was what dragged me to look at it, and I wasn't disappointed, you write with a candor that portrays a deep sense of family and values, it's refreshing when shock and gore has taken over the front pages of so many things in today's market... please keep writing.

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Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, Revelry- inspiration needed Author IconMail Icon
This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.
Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything I saycontrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The Halloween Tree, I can see the influence in this piece. Oh and writing this review with those eyes flashing at me is _really_ disturbing. A quick short read into a situation, and it is packed tight and well for the content. There is obviously a larger story here, if I wasn't so fried on cold medications I'd be hunting it down, just to get a resolution.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Imagery, accuracy, and atmosphere all hit the reader (me) with a visceral feel, I can sense the cobbles, and the chaos of the air around me when I read this story... Using the guitarist and the song towards the end was a good sleight of hand as well, deepening the whole thing by an order of magnitude.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
>>First paragraph, three fragments, consider revising.
>>"when being apart of the living world became" - I have to think this is more properly "being a part of the living world..."?
>>"She watched, un-noticed." Opening of third paragraph, again a fragment. It looks like it should have been tied into the bigger sentence as part of a whole statement. There are other points like this but I'll stop, as it's not really a big deal.


*Pencil*Suggestions:
As an actual suggestion, the twist at the end was nice, but the fifth paragraph gave it all away (to me at least), so the final statement was muted somewhat... Maybe reworking the clues to a more subtle tone would increase the emotional impact...?

*Right*Conclusion:
Like I said, I'd be hunting down the larger story if I had the means and mental capacity to do so... but this was an enjoyable read, thanks and let me know if/where the larger scope items can be found. The only reason this came down from an impulsive 4 to the 3.5 was my personal hang-up with fractured statements. Sorry.

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Marcus Author IconMail Icon

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank-you for allowing me to read your work, and I hope you find any suggestions helpful. However, please remember that these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything I saycontrasts with the art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
The description said this was the beginning of an epic, any I can start to see how it could live up to the title. My honest first impression is that of hurried disjointed thoughts. The perspective worked well for this. Oh, and I am intrigued by the apparently significant disjointed references that the main character made.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Good conversational tone, the pacing was interesting, I've not seen the timestamp presentation like that before, it worked well in creating a choppy and urgent yet totally surreal effect for the situation.

*Target*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
I didn't notice anything out of joint for grammar or such, but I honestly haven't been able to think like that of late, too much NaNo. Sorry.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
I can only come up with one actual suggestion for this piece. It took me about four readings to pick up on the fact that the main character was in fact switching trains in the middle. I saw where he got on, then boarded again, I got lost. I'm not sure how to clear this up, but I stumbled quite hard over it. (now I feel kinda dumb). Other than that the piece is quite engaging and compelling.

*Right*Conclusion:
Conclusion? Umm.. I'd like to see where the story goes from here. There are enough clues to the direction and what _might_ be happening that if I were actually holding a book I'd continue reading without a thought.

Good set-up, good presentation, and good hook. Confused on the situations, that's about it.
Cheers *CoffeeBl*

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Rated: E | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

Second, I'm on an indefinite loan to "Gang's Monthly Review Board" Open in new Window. at the behest of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window.(temporarily out of order) so...

Hi Yellow Rose*Bigsmile*


*Reading*First Impression:
I see you reviewing quite a bit, but when I read the poems you have up here, well... they're powerful stuff. A deep sense of spirituality comes through strong and clear.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
Consistency, short, sweet and to the point. As I was once told, make the point in the fewest words possible. This is one of the strengths of poetry.

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
Not really applicable in this case.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only one. The word choice for the second line in the second paragraph throws me. In context of the first line in the second, the second line feels like it reads backwards. It almost feels like it should read "Our Father's arms can hold you."
Maybe I missed the twist in the wording? or I missed the meaning?


*Right*Conclusion:
A well done poem, quick and to the point, simple and clear. oh, and ending on a positive note was a great way to wrap us such a succinct piece.

DOC
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

Hi *Bigsmile*
I actually ended up reading this piece because the title caught my eye. It' was listed under the "Online Authors" bar down the right side of the screen. So, that's how I got here.

*Reading*First Impression:
Stories about characters are much more gratifying in the long run, and this seems to be one of those. It comfortably slides into a consciousness... the reader starts to connect with the characters fairly early on through exposition.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
By the end of this piece, I had two very well defined characters sitting across from each other at coffee in the morning, and the love for the state of West Virginia. I almost want to go and drive the roads you've brought to life.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
In this case, this is more of a question than a suggestion. Aside from the evident relationship between the two main characters, what is going on here? What is the conflict and growth frame of the story? Moving and starting over is good, but what's the conflict? Unless the main character's are each other's conflict and growth problem? I'm really up in the air as to what else could or might be coming... As a reader I have no idea why I'm reading this at this point. We've found that the protagonists are getting along (mostly?) but they have no problems to conquer (Yet?) so I'm rather ambivalent about that part.
Oh, and when jumping from head to head, it helps to break the scene with the usual * * * or something. Switching back and forth like you have here seems that I'm reading an omni viewpoint... slightly uncomfortable for current readers...


*Right*Conclusion:
I like the writing style, smooth and comfortable, not jarring or choppy at all. and having a piece of work that has no jarring punctuation or grammar errors in it is always a pleasing occurrence. I liked this piece, it has a good feel, the only real problem is that by the end I have no reason to read further, which is what the prod at the top of the story (the description?) asks. Just my two cents.

Cheers.


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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

Second, I'm on an indefinite loan to "Gang's Monthly Review Board" Open in new Window. at the behest of the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. and the "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. so...

Hi *Bigsmile*

*Reading*First Impression:
This is a powerful story, I had to read it three times over before I stopped getting hung up on the details and impact, and was able to actually analyze it. Man, what a powerful topic, with such a deep underlying message of faith, family, love and support.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
I like that despite the message being so powerful, you didn't hide it much at all. The "what happened to Beth" was strung along nicely as a metaphorical carrot to keep me reading. That worked very well, and without actually giving the details until the final point, the reader is cued up to come up with the meaning first (always pander to the reader's ego), Personally I've found that when I am lead to a conclusion like this and it is confirmed, then it _feels_ good. The other option is to put a twist on the end that leaves the reader going "Why didn't I see that coming?" but this is not one of those stories, and you left such an approach well enough alone, that's a good thing.

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
No major issues found. I would have used commas differently in some cases, and semi-colons here and there, but on checking it truly it seems that it would be a matter of choice... not technical proficiency.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
As it stands, I only really had one suggestion, and that was to try to create fewer jump-scenes (the * * * part where you shift perspective and jump around in things...) it breaks up the story quite a bit, and left me scrambling to put it together. The pacing was well done, but maybe try to do a continuous stream of consciousness or two at most after the opening end shot that sets our scene in the story.

*Right*Conclusion:
You asked the following in the PDG review page:
Any/All things and Am I "hooking" the reader enough in my opening lines? My family says my writing is too "sappy". Do I need to tone down the sentiment? Am I too ambiguous? Do I need more clarification in my theme?
And in answer to these questions, yes, the hook could have been more compelling, you eased into the story fairly smoothly. A hard and fast entrance starting somewhere with the priest rather than just the mourning family would have hooked me sooner and harder. (just a suggestion remember). As for toning down the sentiment or strengthening the theme of this piece, I don't think either of these needed any work.
I almost cried when the father found the daughter's body...

This is a good piece of writing. I only dropped the rating from a 5 to a 4.5 because of the jumpy feel of the cut-scenes, and the occasional feeling of not knowing which perspective I was supposed to be in (who's head am I in now?)


DOC


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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
FMS Challenge Short Version:

First, these are just my thoughts. Poetry and Prose is an art unto itself, thus if anything contrasts with that art from within you, then please go with your thoughts rather than my opinions, no harm done. *Cool*

*Reading*First Impression:
I like how you have drawn the reader inside Sam's head right at the start. We see his motivations, his reluctance, his ultimate humanity.

*Checkg*The Good Points:
This story strings a reader along, for the first half of the story I'm desperately trying to figure out what's happening, what he's transporting, and to where.
Additionally, the whole internal conflict that Sam goes through, and the reminiscing is well done.

*Checkg*Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar:
There are a couple of comma breaks, especially in the dialog, that break things up a little too much, but without getting into a line edit I can't relocate what I noted on the way through the first time.

*Pencil*Suggestions:
Only two. I'd have probably been a little more subtle than the story presented, concerning the reveal where Mike calls his contacts to confirm the plan, and two, the ending comes across as too contrived. If there was some way to ease into it so that the final twist was more sudden, and more gratifying... I'd have to do a re-write using my own words to see if that were possible; but then again, these are my two cents, feel free to disregard.

*Right*Conclusion:
Overall a good story, with a good motivator and well developed character. Reading it was compelling, and I liked the ending being left WAY up in the air like it was. Makes me want to know what's going to happen next....

DOC
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