What a touching emotional outpouring! It is sad to think that so often some of our best poems come from the deepest and most painful emotions that we experience. Writing has always been a way for me to let my emotions out, either in poems that seek to describe just how I feel or through stories where the characters say and do things I would never have the courage to do, or experience things I can only dream of. Writing is truly an amazing outlet for all of the things we keep bottled up deep inside.
I think that one thing I especially liked about your poem is that it isn't bitter and hateful at the end as many poems I have read: "You have forgotten about me so I hate you and I'll forget you too" sort of attitude. Instead, you concluded it quietly with the sentiments that you still remember your friend and you are still waiting and wishing they will remember you and the friendship you shared. That is a lovely and endearing sentiment and shows that this friendship really did have deep meaning and value to you, for you are not willing to let it go and forget about it but instead keep it alive, nurturing it in your heart, hoping to revive it to its full strength and beauty at some future point in time.
Great job, though I am sorry for the pain you are suffering in the loss of your friendship.
Best wishes, and keep on writing. I will try to get back and read more of your work soon,
Deb
You have an interesting idea here and a nice start. Flesh it out a bit, give us some more emotion, some descriptions, and some interaction with the characters. Let us into the story and make us feel we are there taking part in it. Let the reader get to know your characters a little bit. Once we have an emotional attachment to the people you have created in your story, we will be hooked and want to read on to find out what happens to them.
I realize you said that the story isn't completed yet, but I would be interested in reading more once you have gotten more work done on it.
Keep going! The hardest part for me is always coming up with an idea and getting the first few paragraphs written. You have that part done. Now let your imagination into the story...fill the characters with your emotions so they come to life in the story. Once they have come to life, they will tell YOU what happens next!
I look forward to seeing more of your work soon!
Good luck with your writing,
Deb
Good job. Your poem could mean so many different things to each person who reads it. That is what I love about poems of this sort. They help the reader discover and express their own emotions and they help the reader to grow and experience a new part of themselves instead of just providing insight into the mind and heart of the author and the experiences he/she has had that lent themselves to the creativity that produced the poem.
I like the adjectives you chose to describe the leaves and the way you personified them, giving them a life of their own with thoughts, hopes, and dreams.
Very nice work! I hope to read more of your work soon,
Deb
Very calming and soothing. It truly puts one in a meditative state of mind after reading it. I liked that you have described the process of letting go of your senses to the calm of meditation, with the first verse having the senses being stronger and recognizable, still interacting with the environment. Then in the second verse, as they dimmed and the mind floats off into the meditative state and finally, in the third verse, is gone. The flow of your poem brought the calm feelings to the surface and with few words evoked strong emotion and feelings that were merely hinted at through your words.Excellent job. I liked it very much.
Your story was very good and the rises and falls and ups and downs of the plot and story line parallel so many of the moods that someone suffering from bipoloar disorder really experience.
You did a good job of expressing the feelings of someone who is living with the disorder as an onlooker. Sometimes we don't know how to love the person until it is too late and then we wonder if we could have changed things for them.
I have to ask...what are the numbers for? Are there supposed to be informational footnotes to tell more about the disorder and the bevioral aspects you have described through your story? Footnotes would be very helpful for those who know little of bipolar disorder. Just an idea.
I enjoyed your writing style. If the story is true, my deepest sympathy for your loss. If it is not true, you did a good job of expressing the emotions and I hope it doesn't have to be true for anyone.
There is so much feeling in your poem, so much that others can relate to both in their life's experiences as well as in the reality of those we love leaving for war and the very real possibilities of the experiences that could change them while they are there.
I enjoyed reading your poem and it stirred my emotions.
There are a few errors you may want to look at, but none of them really take away from the content and emotional impact of your poem.
LINE 1: Month's doesn't need an apostrophe= months
Befor needs an "e"= before
LINE 12: too should only have one "o"= to
LINE 16: Cause should have an apostrophe= 'Cause since it is a shortened version of "because"
LINE 23: plan's doesn't need an apostrophe= plans
LINE 26: planed needs another "n"= planned
You did a great job with this poem. I hope everything goes well for you and that the one you love stays safe.
This haiku is also lovely. And leaves would be a good judge of how quickly time passes and how soon we go from the spring, through our prime, and into the uncertain days of autumn. I will have to come back at a later time to read more. I have enjoyed your work very much and I am adding you to my list of favorites here. That way I won't forget hoe to find you.
Have a wonderful day, and thank you again for sharing your beautiful work and also for recommending this one to me as well. It was calming as well as thought-provoking, and conjured up many images of days gone past that I know I can't relive but never want to forget, either.
Another beautiful haiku. I saw a bluebird just the other day. They are so beautiful and so brightly colored, and their song is indeed sweet to hear. I can imagine the bluebird now, as it was sitting among the newly emerging fresh leaves of Springtime.
Sometimes the smallest glimpses of nature can bring us great joy, but how quickly this world hussles us on our way and how quickly we forget the beauty we have seen.
I think that is one of the reasons I love haiku poetry. It allows us to quickly capture the essence of natural beauty so that we have a tiny little package in which each word and syllable is a reminder of the much vaster picture we have saved in our mind.
I love haiku. This was very pretty. I love your second line and the way you describe the vase. I have a crystal vase that my husband gave me with a single rose the day our first daughter was born. She's now 20 years old and she takes that vase sometimes to put a rose in when she gets one from her Sweetheart. He likes to give her flowers.
While reading your haiku, I could envision the vase I have and the first red rose it contained, with petals like velvet, deep red like burgundy wine, and more importantly, the beauty and emotion of the day I received it.
Beautifully done. I love your descriptions of scents, emotions, colors, tastes, etc. Your brought the reader into the story, as if in an adjoining cubible watching the jealousy play out between your characters. Personally, I love stories that involve flowers because I love flowers and they have meant so much at different times of my life. I particularly love to grow them and tend them in the garden. Your descriptions were beautiful and I really enjoyed the story. You also developed the personalities of your characters very well for such a brief piece.
I enjoyed your work very much. I read it the first time and wondered what it was about and then I remembered the title and the description you gave and realized that what it is about it up to the individual reader, as we all have our own set of "what ifs" based upon our own life's experiences and the experiences we could have had but chose something else instead.
Very thought-provoking and very well done.
Thanks for sharing your work. I'll watch for your work "Yellow Bandana". I look forward to reading more.
Very touching and symbolic. Your brief descriptions reflect the hopelessness and numbness of emotion that could beset a mother and child at such a time.
Good work.
I really like this line near the end "Into artic infernos". That is an excellent contrast. (Did you perhaps mean "arctic", though? I can't find "artic" in any of my dictionaries and I've tried half a dozen in my library and just as many online. I always try to take into consieration that there are people usung this site from all over the world and different countries spell words differently, even in the same language, but this one I have not run across before.)
I also love the thoughts conveyed in the last two lines. Very poignant and thought provoking. ("Hearts" is possessive in this case and should have an apostrophe: "heart's" or, in the case of more than one heart possessing the last prayer: "hearts'".)
I like that you wrote about a realistic fact of writing in a very funny way. Sometimes fragments, run-on senteneces, improper grammar, and even made-up words tell a story better than perfect proper prose. I always try to take those kinds of things into consideration when reviewing someone's work. Maybe their character speaks that way. Or maybe the story is being told my a narrator who speaks that way and that is what gives the story personality and character all its own.
I really enjoyed your writing as well as the message that came across in your story.
That was interesting. Isn't it funny how the same prompt inspires such different pieces of writing? Your story was good, though there are some technical errors; grammar and tense contradictions within paragraphs, but the story line was good.
I really like your introduction. It does exactly what an introduction to such a piece should do: tell when and why the item was written and what you as the writer hope we as readers will be able to glean from your efforts, as well as what you expect of us once we have read it...let technical errors pass as you wrote the item 48 years ago and wish to leave it in tact as it stands...and it also rouses interest in the reader to go on to at least the first entry and decide for themselves if they wish to proceed from there.
Your introduction sounded great to me and I will bookmark this item to look through a a time when I have more time to get into it in more depth. I love history and anything that has to do with Native American history I find particularly of interest.
Thanks for sharing your work, even if it is an old high school essay. I look forward to reading all of it very soon.
What a very touching story. I like the emotional content and the way you described your characters, scenes, and locations without the descriptions interrupting the story. I have always enjoyed stories that had the characters think back to past days and think about how those past experience shaped their lives and personalities. You did that quite well in this piece. I also appreciate the time you put into using real places instead of a made-up location. It made the story more realistic and easier for the reader to relate to. I've been to Florida and driven down Route 1. I've been to Flagler Beach (brought to mind by the "Flagler Flapjacks" ordered at Stout's)...my daughter was almost washed out to sea there when she was 3 years old! Now she's nearly 21 but is still frightened of the water, though she's getting better! I've been to Albertson's, Kroger's, and Winn Dixie, etc. So when you mention those places they bring a picture to the reader's mind that is much clearer than if you simply said "a grocery store" or "Pop's Packaged Foods" or something less definate than the chain names.
I did notice some grammatical errors, fragment and run-on sentences, some conflicting tenses within paragraphs, and some technical punctuation and spelling errors, but they didn't take away from the story so much that a reader would be unable to understand what was going on, though.
Overall, though, you have a very good short story. With a little tweaking and refining editorial work, it will be awesome!!
Thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to visiting your portfolio when time allows so I can read more of your work. I would be happy to give you input on editing this piece or read it again if you make changes. Don't hesitate to ask if there's anything I can do to help.
I really enjoyed your story and I will certainly recommend it to others. It's a great story with accurate locations, memorable characters, and emotional impact.
You have left me speechless! From the beginning to the end you held my attention. Your characters are well developed but not overly described, leaving enough for the reader's imagination to interact with the given details. From the start, you have created an empaty for your main character that grows throughout the story, making your reader's heart swell with joy at his triumphs, beat with anticipation at moments of suspense, and beat painfully with the sorrow of loss at the end. And yet, in this reader's heart, there is hope that Jonathan's spirit will revive and once his pain and anguish pass, his resiliance will resurface and he will return once more to the love he had for his music.
Formatting, punctuation, spelling, etc. all look great. Of course, I didn't go through and do a word by word analysis as I was too caught up in the story to notice.
Thanks for a truly great opportunity to read your work. I will definately be back to look into more of your work as time allows.
I'd love to know the rest of the story. You built up to a great climax and kept this reader's attention to the end. Your characters had just enough development to make them interesting but not so much that it took your entire story to describe and get to know them. Great job!
But I'd still like to know what happened next. I know some stories are meant for the reader to ponder and come to a conclusion of their own using their own life experiences and imagination, but I am always left wondering what was in the author's mind and, had the story continued, how the author would have had events play out for the characters so lovingly fashioned from his/her words.
Good luck with your cntest entry.
Thanks for sharing your work,
Deb
Very nicely done. I really enjoy this kind of poetry because the rhythm created is fun to work with and fun to read. The mental pictures created by your words are strong and you have carried them through from beginning to end, emphasizing them with just the right amount of emotional impact.
Perfectly touching. It brings back memories of my first daughter's birth over 20 years ago. My husband was worried about making it through the delivery but he did amazingly. We, too, lost a baby tragically before success, and the residual worries haunted me through three pregnancies and an additional recent miscarriage, but the three beautiful healthy and thriving children (nearly all adults now!) we have were so worth the effort and the struggles.
Your story is very touching and brought tears to my eyes, as I am sure it will do for any parent as they look back and remember their first bonding experiences with their own newborns. There are a couple of tiny technical punctuation and capitalization errors, but for the most part everything was excellent.
Great work! I will definately look into more of your work soon. Thanks for sharing your emotional story.
Deb
What a beautiful, thought-provoking, and emotional poem! Wonderful work! You have created very vivid mental images through your descriptions. Most people have seen the suffering of someone else, but so often we don't know what to do or say to ease that pain, and honestly, there is very little that we can do. You have expressed that desire and the depth of emotion and helplessness one feels when seeing someone they love enduring pain and sorrow.
Great job! I will come back to your portfolio and look for more to read very soon.
What an emotional and touching poem. You have expressed so much love as well as the agonizing pain that comes of having to let go. I like the imagery you create with the moon as closing the cutains and the heavy folds of the night, relating back to the curtains. You did a beautiful job on this poem. Thank you for sharing it.
I look forward to reading more of your work son.
Deb
I really enjoyed your poem. It was brief and to the point, but speaks to so many emotions, past, present, and future. You have captured a beautiful aspect of friendship so beautifully.
I will look at more of your work as soon as I have more time. Thank you for sharing your poetry. You and your friend are very fortunate to have such a long and lasting friendship.
Your poem expresses many emotions. In my experience, many people can relate to the feelings you have expressed. It seems that human nature causes those who are unhappy to make others unhappy so that they are not miserable alone. What a shame that is, because we can all do each other so much more good if we try to make each other happy instead of just thinking of ourselves and how we feel.
There are several places in your poem where there are punctuation or capitalization errors. As a reader they don't really bother me because they don't take away from the feelings and content of your piece. From a writer's standpoint, however, they do show up just because we are always striving to do our best work for the enjoyment of our readers. A couple examples from the first verse: In the third line "wont"..."won't". And in the fourth line: "im"..."I'm".
The errors are very small and technical. Overall, I loved your poem and can really relate the emotions you have expressed.
Thanks for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more.
Deb
Another lovely poem. At times the wording is difficult to decipher as you make it fit your rhythm but it is understandable. One suggestion...if you were to separate the comments of Jesus from those of the Samaritan woman usung sets of quotation marks they would be easier to distinguish from each other. It is by no means a necessity, though it would aid the reader in their understanding. Also, in the fifth line of the first verse: "Why ask me for water sir, are so blind?" Should there be a "you" in this phrase: "are you so blind?"
Great work, once again. I am enjoying your work and will certainly make time to read more soon.
Deb
(justme)
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