Dear T.J. Dobbin,
You have the makings of very good story here! Your plot was good and your characters believable. You have some great dialogue and setting descriptions as well. I think that you developed your plot well from beginning to end, set out the problem and concluded with the resolution of that problem. Good work!
I found quite a few technical issues with your story, however. There are quite a few punctuation errors, grammatical problems, and fragmented sentences. Also, there are some parts of your story that are a little confusing because the parenthetical thought statements of your main character/narrator get mixed up with what is going on in the story.
I like the way you introduce your character. At the very beginning you use the word "Outsider". It seems like that word is the basis for the paragraph to come. If you put it in bold faced type, it would stand out as a subtopic in your story and be a little easier for the reader to understand what is to come. If you left it on a line by itself it would be even more dramatic.
Your next two sentences could be combined using a semicolon since the first is a complete sentence but the second is a fragment: "That word describes me perfectly; ever since birth too."
Further on in the first paragraph you wrote: "Occasionally I read, but the classmates would spit their words of hate at me. Pain."
This sentence would read more smoothly by replacing "the" before classmates with "my", or dropping the article altogether and just having "...but classmates would..." At the end of that sentence is the single word "pain". The pain is being caused by the actions of the classmates, so instead of a single word sentence, this could be joined to the previous sentence with a colon: "Occasionally I read, but classmates would spit their words of hate at me: pain."
Later in that paragraph you wrote: "The population of the town is 33,500. My friend population is 0." There is nothing technically wrong with this, however, the statement could be made more dramatic and be used to emphasize the loneliness your character feels. "The population of the town: 33,500. The population of my friends: 0."
At the beginning of the next paragraph you have the word "School". Like the word "outsider" that began the previous paragraph, it seems like a subtopic telling what the next paragraph will be about. Here again, putting the word in bold faced type and leaving it on a line of its own would make a more dramatic transition into the topic. (It's easy to use bold, italic, and other text effects. Just click on the "WritingML" link above where you enter the body of your work and it will pop up a list of tags and effects that you drop in to change the look of your text!)
The next sentence is a fragment: "Or as I like to call it the dungeon of doom." You could simply drop the "Or as" to fix this. You could also drop those words and put quotation marks around "the dungeon of doom".
At the end of that paragraph you have an incomplete sentence followed by a list. The two could be combined with a simple colon between them and a slight adjustment to the capitalization. "Around me, hundreds of students: talking, laughing, joking, having fun."
Your next paragraph begins the dialogue between your characters. Since there is quite a bit of character development after Tommy's "greeting" to Alucard, you could make this into two paragraphs. Leave Tommy's words as they are on a single line and begin the new paragraph with "It's Tommy Brimstone..." (And “That’s” instead of “It’s” reads a little smoother, though both are technically correct…but “It’s” doesn’t need an apostrophe. I wonder why that is? Sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. I’ve never quite understood the reason, but I know that in this case, it doesn’t need one. Perhaps someone out there can explain that better.)
The next sentence is a fragment that can easily be corrected: "Hanging on his shoulders, two lovely girls." You could either replace the comma with a colon or with the word "are". Either one would make the sentence complete and leave the meaning completely intact.
The next two sentences are actually questions and should end with question marks.
In the following sentence you make excellent use of a parenthetical statement as well as a colon. Regarding the parenthetical statement, if you put it in italics it will help the reader to better understand the interruption of the sentence. (WritingML tags will tell you how to do this.) In addition, at the end of that statement you wrote "but he never flowed". I believe "he" should be "it" as Alucard is speaking about his hair.
In the next paragraph Alucard speaks. I love the hesitant beginning and the way you describe his voice. Just a small technical point here: the rest of your story is in the present tense, as if we are being told about it as it happens, so instead of "managed, you might want "manage".
In the next paragraph Tommy is speaking again. “How’s it going buddy." is a question.
"Another year - another fabulous year." These two phrases should be joined with a colon or semi colon.
The rest of Tommy's comments, though not technically grammatically correct, give us insight on how he speaks and tries to sound cool. I'd leave them as they are. However, after he asks Alucard if he wants to hang around with him and the girls, I would begin a new paragraph. This would give your reader a greater sense of the impact such an invitation would have on Alucard as well as help them to differentiate between what Tommy is saying and how Alucard is feeling. Then, when Tommy starts speaking again, start yet another paragraph.
In Tommy's next portion of dialogue: "Oh I see" is an exclamatory statement and would have more impact standing on its own followed by an exclamation point.
Then "No need to be shy" is a statement that can stand on its own. This would help the reader to understand that Tommy is still talking to Alucard, since the next thing he says is one of the girls' names.
Tommy's next portion of dialogue has a little bit of a wording problem. You might want to put a comma after "Samantha" and "to my left" to give the reader opportunity to pause as Tommy would have likely paused in making that statement. The conclusion of that sentence is where the wording problem comes in. To put it in the proper tense, you could put the "has" before "actually" and change the "has" that follows "actually" to "had": "...has actually had a crush on you for the longest time.”
When Alucard exclaims "REALLY!”, I can imagine that being as much of a question as an exclamation. Although either form of punctuation would work, I think that a question mark would be in better keeping with Alucard's personality as we have come to know him thus far in your story. I love the comparison, though, of his excitement and disbelief being akin to a child's excitement about a trip to Disney World. That is excellent and really gets the reader to think about the impact this has on Alucard, which then gives us more insight into the anger he expresses in the next part of the story.
In the next paragraph you have Tommy speaking mixed in again with Alucard's thoughts and feelings. As above, this would have greater impact as well as more clarity for the reader if these bits were separated into different paragraphs.
When Tommy says “Oh my god, really” it should be followed by a question mark within the quotation marks.
Alucard is explaining how he feels and says "I stared Tommy Brimstone with my eyes which now resembled that of a person with rabies." This is a little confusing. Perhaps it could be clarified by changing some of the tenses and rearranging the words: "I stared Tommy Brimstone down with eyes which now resembled those of a person with rabies." For added impact, you could change "person" to "creature", "dog", or some other animal of your choice.
Typically I am not a fan of short chopped sentences, but in this case I think they add a feeling of Alucard's tension and anger. As I read them I could imagine him panting out these thoughts in a retelling of the story.
I think that starting a new paragraph when you begin describing Tommy's reaction ("All this time...") would give the reader a chance to take a breath. Alucard was beginning to calm down, Tommy was groveling apologetically, even if it was fake, and the reader would be more surprised by his next action if you brought the emotion down for just a split second before revving it back up again.
After Tommy punches Alucard he describes his reaction: "I dropped like a sac of bricks. And not just a regular sac of bricks, but a really heavy sac of bricks." I love this description. The only thing I would do is combine the sentences so that the second is not a fragment. This can be done by replacing the period with a semicolon and checking the capitalization. "I dropped like a sac of bricks; and not just a regular sac of bricks, but a really heavy sac of bricks."
Next you have "Tommy turned his direction to Samantha and Debra." Instead of "direction", "attention" would make more sense.
After Tommy asks, “So…ya think he’s dead?” you could include a statement regarding his reaction. Was he joking with the girls? "So...ya think he's dead?" Tommy asked, chuckling smugly to himself as he took a girl in each arm.
Or perhaps he's really scared: "So...ya think he's dead?" Tommy asked slowly. His eyes were wide with fear. He'd punched a lot of guys throughout his school years, but none had dropped so quickly as Alucard Winston!
You have done such a great job of telling how Alucard is feeling. Give us a little bit of insight regarding Tommy, too, to complete the range of emotions.
Your next paragraph covers a lot of ground. You start with Alucard getting up his nerve to speak up for himself. That's great! I think that "Shut up" should be an exclamatory statement and end with an exclamation point. How did Alucard say it? Was he hoarse? Sheepish? Assertive? Enraged? Did he shout this time or squeak again?
“Shut up! Now!” I commanded. My voice was so deep with range I didn't even recognize it as my own. What was coming over me? No longer controlling my body, a mere spectator.
Something like that would give your reader a feeling of the internal struggle Alucard was fighting. His next statements give a little more insight but the reader needs a little more information to really get inside of your character's head and see where he is coming from.
That last sentence, though: "No longer controlling my body, a mere spectator." The addition of "I was" at one of two places would make it read more smoothly and offer the reader a better understanding of what this means. "I was no longer controlling my body; a mere spectator." Or "No longer controlling my body, I was a mere spectator." I think that either would work, but I favor the second because it is clearer and easier to read.
Alucard is now speaking to himself. These statements could be parenthetical and italicized so the reader immediately realized that Alucard’s words are internal, not directed at Tommy.
At one time Alucard addresses himself as "you" and later as "I". “Stop it, what are you doing, I’m going to get myself killed” is what I kept telling myself.
A few simple clarifications would make a huge improvement here: “Stop it! What are you doing? You're going to get yourself killed!” I kept telling myself.
After explaining Alucard's mental state, you describe his physical condition. This would make more sense if it was a new paragraph. As in the beginning, your brief introductory description seems like a subtopic, so bold type and a line to itself would prepare the reader for what is to come.
Extraordinary Pain
My nose was a river of blood (I’m pretty sure it’s broken). Italicize the parenthetical statement to make it stand out as separate. Then start a new paragraph.
When Alucard addresses Tommy is he still lying on the ground? Did he drag himself to a kneeling position in front of the other boy, or shakily stumble to his feet? Perhaps he had so much adrenaline running through his blood that he ignored the pain and dripping blood, clenched his fists, and firmly stood his ground. You are the author. These are your characters. Tell us what they did.
I really like what Alucard has to say. I only have some technical improvements here. I've put my suggestions in parentheses so you can pick them out: “Tommy, (for) too many years now, I’ve had to deal with this.(. --> : and no capital)The emotional and physical pain, the constant torturing, the ridiculing. No one should ever have to experience what I have (had to put up with from you) in my short 16 years of life. No one.(. --> !) But I (can't) won’t put all the blame on you: the bully. I too am responsible for my sad excuse for a life. I never once stood up for myself. Never.(. --> !) What do you have to say about that?” (Start a new paragraph.)
I took a break from talking, and examined everything around me. The rest of the school stood around us in a circle.(. --> : and no capital) Every student in St. Roger’s High,(, --> ;) I even spotted a couple of teachers. The expressions on the faces varied,(, --> :) I saw students in shock, terrified, and even some with a smile.(. --> , and no capital) As if they were proud of me. Or maybe they were just waiting for Tommy to pummel me. Either way, it was fascinating.
I love the way you convey Tommy's next words. That cocky attitude comes through at the beginning but is tempered with a tiny bit of sincerity by the end. That is excellent. Technical issues only here as well. “Well(,) well, Alucard Winston being assertive. Who’d have ever imagined.(. --> ?)” Tommy spoke with (an air) a sense of cockiness, so I kept wary. “I should demolish you right now until you’re not capable to stand.” He tightened his fist (not as much as I had earlier) and raised it (it’s coming now, might as well get what’s coming) and hurled it right (better close my eyes) at me. (Italicize parenthetical statements to separate them from the sentence or construct them into a single statement at the end: Tommy's fist wasn't nearly as tightly clenched as mine had been earlier, but as it hurtled toward me I closed my eyes to prepare for the impact.)
I like that Alucard slowly opens his eyes. I can just see him wincing and opening one eye at a time, wondering why the impact has been delayed. Excellent suspense there! Start a new paragraph when Tommy starts talking again, and another once his words are completed. This separates the thoughts and makes the change clearer to the reader.
In the next section "Must be a dream" is an incomplete sentence but I think that it helps to convey not only Alucard's thoughts and feelings but also his current state of mind: shock at the outcome of the situation as well as from the blood loss.
When Tommy is speaking again he says “Alucard - have a nice year."
Instead of the dash, a comma would work.
In his next sentence you have interjected another parenthetical statement. This one could actually be expanded upon to give the reader a better picture of the boys standing face to face in the schoolyard.
"Alucard, have a nice year. Oh, and you may wanna get your nose checked." I followed his gaze downward. My formerly white shirt was now drenched in my own crimson blood. (Then start another sentence when Tommy starts speaking again.) (Also, I think the word you wanted is formerly, not formally.)
At the end, you have another brief sentence that could be a subtopic. Bold type, line to itself...
You gave your story an excellent ending. I love the way Alucard says that with confidence. He realized that his situation didn't just happen to change. He made that change happen. Great work!
I hope that you are not offended by my review. You have an excellent start here and with a little fine tuning you will have a polished work that is truly a joy to read. Please let me know if you have any questions about my review and I'll try to answer them as best I can. Good luck with your writing.
Deborah
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