There are a lot of things I loved about your story. I liked that you addressed the matter of fitting in, and how your character felt he didn't fit because he was more sensitive about things than the other boys. I also enjoyed how you described Tim's flashback to childhood as a movie playing on his inner stage. That was an excellent comparison and really helped the reader understand what was happening in Tim's head as well as in his heart.
Now, a few nitty-gritty technical things just to fine tune an already great piece of writing...
In the third paragraph Tim's sentence is interrupted. "..." would better show the break in his thought than the dash.
In the fourth paragraph, Richie is speaking and says, "I’m gay so I’m no a real guy." "No" should be "not".
In the seventh paragraph, Tim is talking again and he says, "I’m no like the guys on the basketball team." Again, the "no" should be "not".
In the nineth paragraph, Tim is still talking and he says “Does my being different and so sensitive man that I’m gay?" "Man" should be "mean".
Around the middle through the end of paragraph nine Tim starts using very short clipped sentences. Perhaps some of them could be combined into more structured sentences so that he comes off as more articulate, the way he was at the beginning of the story. For example, Tim says "I like spending time with girls. Other guys seem to be in a hurry to get the girl to bed. I like to talk with them. Sometimes they seem impatient for me to get on with making out. It’s not that I don’t want to do that.”
You would keep the same meaning but have Tim's intelligence reflected in his manner of speech by having him say something like "I like spending time with the girls, but to hear the other guys talk, they're just in a hurry to hop into bed with them. Sometimes even the girls seem impatient for me to get on with the making out, and it's not that I don't want to do that, but..." and here is where the conversation fades out for Tim's flashback.
In paragraph ten: "He saw himself as a child. “I don’t want to go out...." You could use a colon after child to more smoothly transition from the narrative to the movie Tim is seeing in his head. "He saw himself as a child: "I don't want to go out...."
In paragraph 13 Timmy's Mom is talking: "Only sissy’s stay home with their mommy..." Sissy is plural here, not possessive, so it should be "sissies", and since all of the sissies don't have the same mommy: "mommies". "Only sissies stay home with their mommies."
In paragraph 14 Timmy says, “I want to stay inside near you, or at least to stay in and read, or play with my trains.” The "to" before stay in and read makes the statement a little awkward. You can drop the "to" without losing the meaning and it flows much better.
In paragraph 15 Timmy's Mom is pleading with him to go outside but she is very repetative: “No Timmy, at least a half hour, then maybe you can play in the basement with your trains. After you play in the snow, then you can bring a friend in to play. But first go out for at least thirty minutes. That’s reasonable isn’t it?” It's like she says the same thing twice, the second time adding he can have a friend over afterwards. She could say, "No, Timmy, you have to play outside for at least half an hour, then maybe you can bring a friend in to play trains in the basement. Just thirty minutes. That's reasonable, isn't it?"
In paragraph 16 Timmy agrees and then makes some comments to himself. “I guess so,” Timmy said out loud. To himself, he thought, I hate the snow. I’m not a sissy. I’ll show you! I’ll go ouot and be mean. No one will dare call me a sissy.
To bridge the gap between what Timmy says and what he thinks, you could insert a transitional word or phrase such as however, but, or but silently he told himself..."I guess so," Timmy said out loud, but silently to himself he thought, "I hate the snow and I'm not a sissy! I'll show you! I'll go out and be mean, then no one will dare call me a sissy!" What he is thinking can also be contained in quotation marks to make it clear to the reader that these are his thoughts and not the narrative. (And out was misspelled.)
Again, in paragraph 17, sissy is not possessive but plural, so "sissies" not "sissy's".
In paragraph 18, you could continue the action you have in Timmy's "movie" by inserting a couple of small action phrases. “Okay Mommy, I’ll go play outside,” Timmy says. To himself he adds, But it won’t be any fun.
You could have Timmy pretend to be happy for his mother's sake, even go down a step towards the yard, and then make a remark under his breath as the door closes behind him: "Okay Mommy, I'll go play outside," Timmy says, faking excitement as he takes a step towards the yard. "But it won't be any fun," he grumbles under his breath, hearing the door click shut behind him.
A couple things in paragraph 19: First, since Tim's inner movie has finished playing, you could include that detail so your reader doesn't expect to revisit it.
Richie listened long and well. When Tim paused for his inner movie to conclude, Richie asked, “Are you attracted to me? I feel tender and affectionate towards you. I also find you very attractive.” (And the colon after attractive should be a period.)
In the final paragraph Tim is again using short quick sentences, but here, as he says himself, his head is spinning and his thoughts are coming in a confused jumble, so the short sentences fit his emotional state at that moment, so they are fine.
I hope you find something in this review that you can use.
Best of luck with your writing and thanks for sharing it.
Deb |
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