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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elbywordsmith
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80 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of The Birthday Boys  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi
Congratulations, having just turned 70 years it resonates with me.

Perhaps some minor changes to suggest. As I read it aloud (important to me to get the rhythm) I stumble just a bit.
I would eliminate all of the "and"s classic stumbling blocks and not needed in your delightful work. Except in "Boys can smile and play"
Second stanza second line might read "Allergic all to exercise" the repetition of "now" on two lines doesn't work for me.

Overall I really like it!
Elby
2
2
Review of I called  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi
First off we are all our own worst critics. My advice, don't be. This has been learned by me on this site.

Okay some suggestions you may choose to make. It is difficult to read 16 lines with no breaks. I like the repetition of "But baby Im not sorry yet" it adds impact. I would suggest redoing it a bit. Try reading this (the apostrophes also help the reader to get this impact as the eye stumbles over them when they are missing.) and see how it feels:

I just called to say I'm sorry
But, baby I'n not sorry yet

I've had too much alcohol
Pissed you off I am sure
Drove into your yard
But baby it is to say I'm sorry
For acting the way I did
But I'm not sorry yet

I've called to say I'm sorry
Now I've made it to the other side
I've come to say I'm sorry
For everything I said

The difference now baby
Is I'm saying I am sorry
Not just in my head
But to you instead

Not saying this is the only way to fix it but just an example of how you might approach it.

Keep up the good work.
Elby
3
3
Review of California Daddy  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.0)
Being a father of two girls I find this poem inspiring.

I will make a few suggestions that you may use or discard as you think fit.

You may find that eliminating "but" in the second line and "and" in the sixth would be of benefit.
I usually find that these types of words slow the readers eye and are unnecessary. Your thoughts in this poem come across clearly without them.

Perhaps the third line could read "I was youthfully independent"
Rhyming in the second line of each stanza falls a bit flat for me. You have ended these words with "ight" which is the same for the last line and repeated "tonight" which could be improved by changing to a different word rhyme or not rhyming this line at all.

Having said that I still feel it is good.
Elby
4
4
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
I find this very moving. The repetition of "I'll say..." in the first line gives the poem a great deal of "punch" and reinforces what your are attempting.
It took a bit to understand you were actually saying goodbye, but I would not change that.

As a matter of fact I see nothing that I would change.
Elby
5
5
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi
Interesting start. While I concentrate on writing poetry I enjoy reading massive amounts of Fiction.

Since the "Orb" is a key item in the story I would always capitalize the "O"

I believe your solution would be to map out a sequence, very basic as you will fill it in as you go. You have four points of interest you need to incorporate in your story so make a list of points on a page for each. No idea what you will actually do but the following is a sample that I hope helps, it will work for short story or long one to just focus your thoughts. As your imagination goes to work you can add, change or ignore any of its points.

It is my impression that if you write a semi complete story for each person, start to semi-finished, then interleave the paragraphs or chapters where they fit best you may have an easier time of this project. Any of our book authors out there may provide better advice for you.

1. Kalina - apprentice, shocked/frightened by Arien, Orin saves, seek solace riding in woods, meets new stranger (call him NEWBOY, who attracts her (later this could prove to be Arien in disguise or not, could be her new hero, surprisingly to her becomes proficient in use of magic even Orin can't do, eventually defeats Arien to much acclaim, kalina gets Newboy or not.

2. Orin's history with the Orb, why he has it, why hiding, what reason Arien has for wanting it.

3. Arien's point of view, why he wants it, what he will do with it, and how he plans to get it .

So that was just a quick idea for you, hope it helps
Elby
6
6
Review of The Challenge  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi
Good sentiment!

Just a few short suggestions
Line five should be "therefore" and further down you should use "accept" not "except" and second last "Freedom's.
I know, I know perhaps being too picky.

As a suggestion, read it aloud to yourself a number of times and you will find it helps you know where to make changes.
Keep up the good work
Elby
7
7
Review of Remember Me  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well written, felt the same myself a time and time again.
Elby
8
8
Review of breathless  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi
It says so much. I don't like it, that is, the feelings that come through so clear. I wish no child had to go through it.
You write simply and with Power and emotion that gets to me.

Well written, no suggestions for improvement.
Elby
9
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Review of Number Ten  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Most importantly, I like it.
I do find that it does lose some impact being double spaced. This prevents the reader from grasping the flow and the impact that can come with appropriate line groupings. You may consider this.

Dinner was at six P.M.
Send So Joey was sent to the chicken pen.

Knowing well, one chickens fate
Joey saw there was found no chicken crate.

So deftly with his bare hands
He began chasing the hens
As they scattered around round the pens.
The rooster came out loudly crowing
Then And Joey shouted all knowing

“Go away number ten
I will take me a nice fat hen”

“Go back to your roost
or I will give you a boost
Or would you like to roast”

“We will start a the New Year
With rooster number eleven
For you will be in chicken heaven.”
10
10
Review of The Burning  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This really is well done. It grabs you from the start and pulls you along. Love the way you follow the path of diminishing fonts with I am not going to die.
Some of the middle paragraphs should be joined together as the extra spacing there seems to detract rather than add to the story.

When you use them for effect you do it brilliantly to in the action sequences. It is a matter of too much use detracts from the dramatic effect your repetition of blank space adds to the story. (Did I just do the same, Grin)

I am definitely impressed.
Please do not send me any points, I am sending you some.

Elby Wordsmith


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review of The Call  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (2.5)
You wrote this poem for yourself. You know what it means, I know what it means but it does not tell the story to others. Each poem must allow the reader to understand what is happening. Perhaps not until the end, but it must be a story they can understand and relate to.

The first stanza is good, it sets up a question in the readers mind. What is happening here.

In the second stanza perhaps try

‘He’s got to face the truth,’
He wouldn't call to tell you' she says.
How strange
she feels the need
to do what’s right, when he won't
although she knows
full well
they’ve betrayed me

Slight changes to the third stanza carries the story forward.

Betrayed me since they met
so wrong.
How strange
to hear her speak
of my belov’d as her own,
as if she’s the one
who’s loved him,
heart and soul,
a decade of cherished years.

You have changed the person to whom you are talking jumping from her to him. As if she wasn't there when actually he isn't. Change the last stanza to

“I know,”
is all I say
as everything
fades
to
black.

Hope this helps. Read it with the changes and see if you like any/all of them.

Ebly
Attention members. this newbie has some very good poetry and I highly recommend her to you.
Give her all the help you can.




12
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Review of Untitled  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi

Here I am again. I like it.
Accept or ignore as you wish the following, then read it aloud to yourself and see if the changes help.

Basically delete all of the "And"'s with the possible exception of the very last one. But even there you could use "To celebrate your gift". I know this uses "to" in both the last two lines but occasionally repetition is good.

Elby

PS - welcome on board. I see others have already rated some of your poems.... Great, I know many more will enjoy your work.

13
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Review of Grandma Sage  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Poems need not rhyme
Nor follow structures stiff
But they need to flow,
off tongue, off eye and lift
emotions true and swift.

the reader should be able
to follow from the first
until the very last
a poem that won't cause stumble
to mind nor thought

so read it over carefully
the changes will jump out
you will feel superior
when you've got the stumbles out.

Good luck
Elby
14
14
Review of What If  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
Once again a really good effort.

Just a couple of suggestions.
1. I would change it to "That even the hardest diamonds
Could all crack"

I would suggest that you would achieve better impact if you put changed the last words, first line of stanza 4 amd last line of poem to end with be "What If".

Bye the way, if you find the button let me know as I would love to use it to fix a failed/failing relationship.

Elby
15
15
Review of Another Life  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting and I find relevent to me just now.
when I read it aloud to myself I find a few "stumbles"

Line 2 I would drop "just" as it will flow much better.

In the third stanza I would drop all "and's" they really are not needed and just impede the reader's eyes.
In the fifth stanza "Redo all the past mistakes" seems to me to be contrary to what you actually mean. We want to undo those mistakes. In understand the need to have a "re" here but can't quite think how to phrase it for you. as the effect. something like "To redo the past without mistakes" (I know this is weak but you see what i mean?

Personally I would like to see "gotta" change to "got to" or "have to". You may have used them for effect but to this reader it doesn't work as well as it could.

I like the poem, use what you will of my suggestions and discard what you don't like.

regards
Elby
16
16
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Some really nice lines and thoughts. second to the last line needs some work. Isn't it the minority, elected ones who abuse the power and authority, without going back to the majority who elected them in the first place? Darned if I know how to put that in your poem tho.

Keep writing
Elby
17
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Review of A Love Poem  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really like it. It captures a moment that I can relate to, were you watching when that happened to me?

I would change "the dance is strong" to "the dance has force" or "dance is magnetic". Also "they push him" needs some work, as does the last line.

I have always found that darned last line is the hardest to get just right. It may help you to read your poem aloud, when you stumble over a line or word then that is the one that needs to be worked upon. Try it as this method does work.
18
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Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
you have some very good lines and stanza's. I love the first one.
The second is weak, you were stretching to make the ryhme. I know I have been there! Remember, poetry does not have to be complete sentences with structure like a sentence. Try something like:

I need a place to run
My legs are far too short
I'm not here just for fun
Please mend my breaking heart.

You must try to keep the first person viewpoint throughout, "I" and not switch to the "YOU".
perspective.

the third is pretty good but the last line may need another look. what do you think?

I think "Faded handprints on our hearts,
And tears that wouldn't come." us great, but you switch again in the next two lines. How about:

"I felt our life was missing parts,
My heart, it just felt numb"

in "Take a breath, take a chance
Smile your frown, laugh a real laugh.
There's more to this world than romance-
And another who's your 'other half'." I think you are using too many words that affect the rythem. Try

Take a breath, take a chance
Smile your frown, laugh a laugh.
This world is more than just romance-
And another, "other", your "other half"

The rest is also good.

Overall I like your effort and really admire some of the lines. Take my comments for the help I intend, discard those you don't like, use any others you want.
Good luck and keep up the great work.

Ebly
19
19
Review of The Wilting Rose  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting, I can see a few problems but overall I like the style.

The first and second stanza are good. Third stanza last line is weak to my view. Consider revising it in some way. The last line in stanza five needs some work, the last word just doesn't make it for me although I can't think what you should use. I like the last stanza except for the second line. How about "Sad memories filled with gloom".

Please use what you will, I really do like it but tend to be objective and hopefully positive in my remarks.

Elby
20
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Review of Simple Truth  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like what you have written.
From a strictly personal point of view:
Either delete line one or three, both are not needed, if you keep line three correct the spelling of "Taday".

The line that ends with "all is well" is not strong nor constructive to the poem. Personally I would delete it.

the line "And now I hope you see that this" should be rewritten to " And now you see that this"
Forget your hope and be positive at this point, it adds strength to what you have said.

If you accept none of my advice, I still think this a very good work. Keep on, keep on, keep on. You have got the idea.

Elby Wordsmith
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Review of The human folly  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello
This is very interesting.
May I suggest that the dreaded "and" should be reduced in your work? It is a word that really breaks or slows the reader's eye. In truth we do need to use it but try some changes mentioned below, then read the line aloud to yourself. If you find it better great, otherwise change it back.

I have found if I read my works aloud it helps to show me where I need changes. Hope this may work for you.
Try
2nd line 1st stanza replace first "and" with a comma
1st line 3rd stanza replace first "and" with a comma
Perhaps capitalize "Fate"
2nd line 3rd stanza replace first "and" with "the"
1st line 4th stanza replace first "and" with "the"

Remember that a reviewer is not always correct in their suggestions but are a gift of another perspective for you to use if you wish.

Enjoy your writing, I do. Elby


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Review of Your Absence  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice.
First stanza is good.

In the second I would remove "maybe" because there is no doubt from the entire poem that a maybe is involved.

Try "These things I know"

I would try dropping "without a trace" as left really means without need for further descriptors.

Perhaps just "And in your absence I cry"

Just a few ideas for you to use or discard.

Elby
23
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Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.5)
Call it "Free Form" a perfectly valid designation!

You may want to try to reduce most of the "the"'s and eliminate a few "and"s it may help the flow. Try to get away from thinking you have to write sentences.

You are doing well but may find the above helps the way the poem reads.

I like what you have done so far.

Elby
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Review of My Conflict  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: E | (3.0)
I can understand what you are wanting to express.
The ideas are good! I like the way you do the outside/inside then repeat it.

I see two major areas that you may want to work on.
1. There are just too, too many "I's"
2. Your have a mixture of sentences and part sentences.

you may try consolidating and reshaping something like this.

Outside sees fierce, strong and brave
With my sterm mind I'll be what I crave

Inside for me is so soft and so shy
Emtional? Yes, I cannot deny

Outside a proud Super Mom
So full of energy, where is it from

Inside so weak and so tired as well
Unattractive poor me I must be in Hell

The inside kept hidden, safe from their eyes
Outside will shine now, a star they will prize.


Now I know that the above is a quick alternative but I present it just to give you some ideas to play with.

When you rewrite please send to me as I would love to see it.

Elby






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Review of The Brain  
Review by Elby Wordsmith
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like it.

I feel the use of "its" adds an unnecessary "third person" context to the work as it is her brain.
It diminishes the passion of this otherwise good poem.

Try "She tries to ignore her needs",

Again, "Applying herself to other charges" is non-emotional and reduces the impact of the next stanza.
think about
"Desperately searching for lucid thought

She yearns for unbridled discharge" I would delete "into contact" makes the piece flow.


"translating" is a very passive word how about "Her lips pulsing"

try "She swoons as "their" contact grows"

Just my thoughts, again very well done.

Elby
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