Hi Chris,
Another chapter review for you.
Brazil won its 3rd Soccer World Cup, in 1970 in Mexico. Yes, thanks to Pelé, Gérson, Jairzinho and Carlos Alberto and Brazil kept the Jules Rimet Cup forever. Oh yes, Brazil had la crème de la crème in sports. In soccer: Pelé, Garrincha, Rivelino, Kaká, Cafú, Ronaldinho and Ronaldo Gaúcho - the best today - and many others; blá, blá, blá...in Formula 1: Ayrton Senna; in tennis: Maria Ester Bueno and now, Gustavo Kuerten or Guga; in ballet: Ana Botafogo; in box: Maguila; a Miss Brasil, Adalgisa Colombo lost the Miss Universe in California only by 3 inches; model: Gisele Bundchen; actress: Fernanda Montenegro, Talk Show: Jô Soares; TV: Globo TV; Magazine: Veja; blá blá blá and the lovely beaches of Brazil; Carnival - which she particularly hated; the Dictatorship years, the Military Regime, and now, Democracy and Lula, the freedom and happiness but a still conservative country to foreigners... and so on and so forth... (She loved talking about Brazil) ... blá, blá, blá ...Then... suddenly, from the bottom of her heart she realized that Brazil was not that important anymore. It was a country, not a person. It didn't matter how much you loved your country, it would not love you back.
I understand what you're trying to achieve here - showing how much she loves Brazil, then showing how that has changed thanks to Butchie, but it doesn't quite work. This is a long list for your reader to wade through. I think it needs trimming or even taking out altogether.
But ONE THING SHE KNEW (as a true Wicca or by just being a human being...with no age, nationality, religion or gender here).She was getting a new start at this point in life and she would do her best to make it work!
Forgive me if the Wicca thing has been mentioned in previous chapters, but I don't remember it. That might be because I have taken so long to do these last reviews, but you definitely need to double check, because that should not be introduced so late in the story. Also, I don't understand why you say that she is thinking as someone with no age, nationality, religion or gender. No one can put these things aside. It didn't quite make sense to me.
Maybe it was that "Lover's Door To Whereabouts" silly thing she thought about once in the airport in Brasilia... hum... not that silly...
I don't understand what this refers to, this may need more explaining for your readers if you choose to keep it in here.
Longs corridors and a heavy suitcases.
Long and suitcase don't need an s on the end.
"He lives in a castle..." It does look like a castle and it even had two towers and it was up on a hill.
Wow, that sounds amazing. I'd love more detail. Can you describe the house to us? What was it made of? How many rooms? It sounds incredible.
She heard a noise in the closet. What was that? Ohhh a dog. Is that Riley? Ohhh little doggy, come here...how cute, how sweet and how quiet he is... hum but he is full of ticks, and dirty... What's wrong with his eyes? Ohhh is he blind? Oh yes, he is. He is an old man, 14 years old. A time traveler. Like me. Like you. Hum Come here, Riley, come here little one... to my arms.
Your dialogue needs to have speech marks so that we know what is speech and what is thought, and also what is description.
There were still places in America where PBA (Public Display of Affection) could be considered indecent or dangerous, differently from Brazil, with all that touching, and holding and kissing!(Not that he didn't love it when she kissed him or when she hit his butt with her open hands when they were walking in the Malls in Brazil. He loved it.)
'PBA' should be 'PDA' because as you say, the D stands for Display. You don't need the brackets around the last two sentences.
This chapter had a strange mix of negative and positive, leaving me unsure exactly how Christina feels about Butchie's homeland. She seems to hate American culture but loves that Butchie owns a castle and a boat. She says she is happier than she could ever be, but her thoughts about the culture were so negative that I'm left feeling unsettled. Maybe she'll convince him to move to Brazil instead? Hmm, I suppose I best read on!
~ Elle
WRITE ON!
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