That last line is VERY clever. I got the meaning immediately, but then (I must admit), I ran off to check that it was a real word. I've not come across it before!
I often find when I'm reading poetry that I concentrate on how it makes me feel. I struggle to write and read poems that have to adhere to strict syllable or rhyming regulations, because to me poetry is about expressing emotion. As you say, it is a glimpse in to another person's soul, another person's heart. There is definitely good poetry and poor poetry though, I think. All reviews should be encouraging and positive though.
Just a note - cliche's should be cliches, without the apostrophe.
Great poem, and a good message for all reviewers. People put a lot of heart and soul in to their writing, and we do need to remember that and acknowledge that in our reviews. Thanks for the reminder. And I DO love that last line!
Elle

That was a wonderful tribute to your grandfather. I have never delivered a eulogy before, but I've been to a few funerals as an adult, and the best eulogies are the ones that make you nod and make you smile. The recurring theme of a man who loved a challenge was so clear that I have no doubt that the people there were nodding away in agreement. Such a clear character trait must have been well-known, even if people saw it in different little ways. And there were a few things in there that made me smile, even as someone who never knew him - things like his wit that makes you laugh and cringe at the same time (oh how that reminds me of Nana Rose, my husband's grandmother!) and his funny habits at the track (getting tips from the janitor!) and competing with him in the computer stakes...

You noted that you were happy to receive edits and corrections, but I only noticed the need for one small correction. There might be more, but I got distracted by the actual 'story' that I stopped looking at the punctuation.
"I have a feeling about this one" he'd say.
That needs a comma after 'one'.

It's hard to put our memories about someone down in writing after they've gone, especially in the (usually) short time between the death and the funeral. It's even harder to do it with humour and skill. You've done an excellent job and I'm sure he was proud. I love that you buried a copy of the full version with him.
Thanks for sharing.
Elle

You certainly struck a chord in me with this piece. In the first years of our marriage, we tried to visit my parents, his parents, and family friends, all in the one day. The kids weren't the only ones who were exhausted! Finally my husband proposed a manageable solution. Actually, he didn't propose it. He ordered it. Since then, we've been on a three year rotation - my parents, his parents and home. 2010 was our first Christmas at home...ever. It was blissfully relaxing. Well, apart from the fact that my mother and sister turned up before any of us were even out of bed. My in-laws had been and gone by 11am. We didn't have to cook anything, we got to see everyone and we got to relax. I'm genuinely tempted to go to a one year rotation - every year at my house!

"Good morning Thomas." Andrea called across the room as she pulled plates out of the cupboard.
"I know." Andrea responded, pushing her plate away.
With both of those sentences, I think the first full stop should actually be a comma.

As it did with me, I think this short story will touch many readers - it's a more common situation that any of us would like, even when parents aren't divorced. This definitely has universal appeal. Thanks for sharing.
Elle

Hi Diane, you and I clearly took the opposite ends of the spectrum when it came to writing poems from a ghost's point of view!

I found that the first and last stanzas had the best rhythm and were the easiest ro read aloud. The third and fourth stanzas both seemed to have longer third and fourth lines which made it hard for me to maintain the rhythm.
I have to admit, I struggled with the last line of the second stanza simply because with my accent (I'm from New Zealand) route doesn't rhyme with shout! Here, it rhymes with flute or toot. So as you can imagine, I was reading through and went 'What?! That doesn't rhyme! Oh, wait a minute...' Ha ha! Oops! I try to be aware of American English spellings but forgot to look out for words that sound different even though they're spelt the same and mean the same. A good lesson for me!

I loved the description of foamy silvery white. Rhyming mutilation and creation is pretty clever too.

There are only three full stops in the entire poem. I prefer my poems to have correct punctuation, but I don't know if you've deliberately left the words bare or not. If not, it does need some more full stops at the end of sentences.

Thanks for sharing,
Elle



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Well, this was certainly a career day with a difference! I was interested to see how you would tackle the situation, once I realised the identity of the main character. To be honest, I expected a light-hearted approach reminiscent of the Family Guy tv show where the kids end up thinking of him as just another character. Instead, whilst it was clear that both the main character and the children made a genuine effort to bridge the gap, I felt that you left the children with a natural fear and reticence. I don't know that I have a preference either way, but it made your story more unique, I thought. And do you know, I never thought of him as a 'mythological creature'. I am intrigued by the possibilities that presents!

One of my favourite lines was right at the beginning. “If you traumatize these kids, I’ll haunt you, singing ‘Henry the Eighth’ for all eternity!”
That struck me as a particularly funny threat, and set the tone for the relationship between those two characters. I also enjoyed the line where he tried to set the children at ease with the table manners quip.

Your final sentence carried a subtle (or not so subtle?) double meaning that made me smile too.

Overall, an amusing piece. You mentioned that you might write more for children, so I thought about how my children would relate to this piece. My 11yo son would find it very amusing I think, and he would love the additional information you provided on the history of the main character. I think my 7yo daughter would have preferred the Family Guy version where no one cried and everyone was happy at the end. I have done some writing for children and I certainly can't please both my children with one installment/chapter but it would depend on your intended audience and also what characters/themes/moods you brought in to the next chapter. All in all, I think you should be encouraged to write more along these lines. You could expand this piece - it would certainly lend itself to expansion quite easily - but as it is, it's a nice sized read for a child to enjoy in one sitting, and then they could move on to the next installment. I'd be interested to read what you write next in this genre.

Elle

Thanks for requesting a review from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" . These are just my personal opinions, and of course others will have different opinions.

The overall story being told here is a good one, and there are definite moments of brilliance in your writing. However, I struggled to get past all the grammatical errors. It feels like you haven't proofread it yet. A good trick, especially for dialogue but useful for any writing, is to read it aloud. If you can read it aloud to another person, even better. If not, just read it aloud to yourself. Is it easy to read? Do the sentences flow? Does it make sense? For the dialogue especially, does it feel natural to be saying it? Once you have proofread it and made as many corrections as you can, then run it through the spelling and grammar check in Word (or a similar program) and see if it can pick up on anything you've missed. Once you've done as much as you can to get it perfect, then put it up for review again. Hopefully someone (like me or someone else from the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" ) will be able to help you polish it and focus on any remaining issues. Right now, I think anyone who reads this is going to be too bogged down by the grammar to give you any other useful feedback.

I won't go through the whole story line by line, but here are some examples of things you need to watch out for when you do your proofreading:

He remembered the attack they grappled with the Russians,.
You have both a comma and a full stop at the end of the sentence. How can you grapple an attack? You can attack an enemy or grapple with an enemy... Perhaps 'He remembered the attack where they had grappled with the Russians.'

It had been brutal and savage and by god, did they manage to survive.
Do you mean they survived by God's grace or God's will? Or is this some rough soldier talk and 'By God we survived!' It's unclear to reader which you meant.

Other regiments wouldn't adhered endured the weather conditions as Gulliemont's regiment had.
The word 'adhered' doesn't fit in this sentence. Other regiments wouldn't have endured in these weather conditions as Gulliemont's regiment had.

They had fought the beasts, known as the Cossacks
No comma needed after beasts. 'They had fought the beasts known as Cossacks' would work.

They had pounded off the Russian soldiers now slowly regaining their strength.
Who is regaining strength and who pounded who? Pounded feels like a very strange fit for this sentence. Maybe 'They had fought off the Russian soldiers and now they were slowly regaining their strength.' Or 'They had fought off the Russian soldiers but the Russians were slowly regaining their strength' depending on what you meant.

For nature accumulated its toll on the Grandee Armee. Winter had caused the annihilation of Napoleon's army.
I think that could be one sentence. 'For nature's toll had accumulated on the Grandee Armee and winter had caused their annihilation.'

‘A report, mon general’
This sentence needs a full stop at the end.

How could Nature be so cruel as to allow them to march across half Russia only to be slaughtered within sight of Poland and salvation?
That should be 'half OF Russia'.

A skirmish against Russian soldiers had misled them to be in the punishing cold they had now been suffering from.
I would say the skirmish had LED to them being in the cold, not misled them. 'A skirmish against the Russian soldiers had led them into the punishing cold they were now suffering from.' Something like that.

Some soldiers died in the shadows while other’s had frozen to death without being noticed, the rest had been buried in the snow.
Others doesn't need an apostrophe. This sentence gives the impression that some soldiers died in the shadows, some froze to death without being noticed and the rest were buried in the snow. Is that what you're trying to say? It might just need a little rephrasing, because it's not quite clear at the moment.

It only bridled anger and hatred in his regiment for the Russians and their damn Cossacks.
When you bridle something, you control it. A bridle is used to control a horse and keep it in line. I think you need to find another word there. Roused? Increased? Something like that?

They had fought a war in which the enemy retreated and unsuited for them.
The enemy unsuited for them? What does that mean?

Please don't think that my pointing out these errors suggests that I think you should just start the whole thing all over again, or worse, give up altogether. There are some truly wonderful parts to your work.

Frigid winds whipped needles of snow into Lieutenant General Gulliemont's cheeks. He shivered and clutched at his bearskin coat with fingers turned numbed by the cold Russian winter. His breath fogged the air and left a trail of frost on his collar which he did not seem to notice. Icy sweat deluged the once fine uniform he'd worn every day since the Grande Armee began its campaign in the spring of 1812. He rubbed his hands and trudged through the snow. With each step, the cold penetrated deeper into his flesh making him shiver.
THAT is sheer brilliance. I love it. Everything about the paragraph is perfect. And as the first paragraph, it really grabs our attention and sets the standard for the rest of the piece.

A small scattered army running away from the wrath of the Russian Army, they had found the perfect opportunity to take back their homeland.
A great line.

Corporal Jacque Renard slogged through the snow towards him with obvious haste, holding his frost-coated black shako in place. The snow particles pinched and stung around his face like a horde of angry bees.
Excellent. We can really understand how the snow must be stinging his face.

The Line Fusilier lent in the first line was on the ground with their white trousers forming blended with the snow. The white surcoats were already placed into their uniforms. And dark blue coats were waiting to enter action. The red collars were straightened, along with the white lapels and cuffs as they prepared to get ready for the oncoming onslaught. The Second line of fusiliers were standing straight and waiting for new orders.
This paragraph needs proofreading and tidying up, but once you've polished it up it will be a great, vivid image of the soldiers prepared for battle. I love that you've described the colours of each line. A little editing and it will be superb.

I really do hope you take the time to edit and polish up this work. It has huge potential and I think without the grammatical errors you could aim for 5 stars with this piece. And please, when you have done so, come back and ask myself or another member of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  to review it again. I'd be happy to do so.

All the best,
Elle

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A lot more action in this installment. I liked that the battle scene had lots of drama with the thunder and lightening, but no gore that would be unsettling for children.

'Both kings silently anguished over the loss of their beloved daughters as they watched the security of the kingdom begin crumble into chaos.'
I think you've missed a 'to' in there. 'begin TO crumble into chaos'.

There's no cliffhanger at the end of this chapter, but by this point in the story, I'm committed to reading to the end and I want to know how Silje fares and how it all works out. As advised in my previous review, I think you could combine chapter 7 with chapters 5 and 6 rather than dividing them in to smaller chapters. I think a child that is of an age to read this story will cope with the longer chapters and it allows you to break the action at points that encourage the reader to keep moving to the next chapter.

I have to say too, my favourite character so far is Hermod - brilliantly portrayed.

This was well written, and I liked the 'other worldliness' of this part. Again, I don't think it needs to be divided into two chapters, but could easily stand as a single chapter. I would even incorporate chapter 7 in as well.

'Everywhere she looked she was reminded that she wasn’t in Midgard anymore.'
When I read this line, all I could think of was the Wizard of Oz. I would reword it, just to remove that feeling of 'I've a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore'.

'She could tell it was not going to be easy to trick this child,.'
Just an extra comma at the end there.

'“I heard you had arrived, said Surt, shifting his gaze to Loki.'
Just missing the close of the speech marks after Surt has finished talking.

The story is moving along nicely now, and I am finding the characters and plot more attention-grabbing. I'll add some more comments on chapter 7...

I found these second and third chapters more engaging than the first. I enjoyed the second viewpoint from Hanne, and there was definitely a sense that you were setting up the scene for more drama further on in the story, which makes me want to keep reading.

I did note that Hanne was ten years old, then eleven, then back to ten years old again.
'Hanne had just turned ten years old, but he could see the striking woman she would be become.'
'Silje’s eyes were especially on eleven-year-old Princess Hanne.'
'“But you’re only ten years old!” exclaimed Silje.'
Just a continuity error there that is easily fixed.

'I saw her in a dream before I got him, so that is how she got her name.'
I think 'him' is supposed to be 'her' in that sentence.

“Oh I know how you mean,” agreed Silje.
Technically, this should be 'know WHAT you mean' but it does give some sense of immaturity and casualness to the sentence, which isn't a bad thing for a nine year old character. It depends on whether it was intentional or not.

'“We are princesses, and the future will be about arranged marriage for both of us.”'
I think that should be marriages, plural.

I did enjoy reading this, but I feel that there was no need to divide it in to two chapters. Personally, I'd like to see these two chapters combined as one. Following on from our conversation about providing a 'cliffhanger' to encourage the reader to read the following chapter, I would even continue this chapter right through to where you have “It’s a trap!” cried out Ratatosk. “Run! Run! Go! Go! Hurry! Hurry!”' The girls rushed to their ponies. With their hearts beating fast, they urged their ponies to a gallop in the direction of the castle. in the next chapter. Then start chapter 3 from there.

So far it's enjoyable children's fiction, and I think this second installment improves on the first. It was easier to read (better flow) and more engaging. I felt like the viking heritage had been well researched as it was easily incorporated in to the story and seemed very natural. Whether you genuinely researched viking / Danish / Norwegian life, I have no idea, but it comes across as real and that's what matters. Well done.