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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/elle/sort_by/r.review_creation_time+DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time+DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
531 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I generally give an overview of the item, then point out any corrections, suggestions or highlight favourite lines. I am a member of the Paper Doll Gang and a captain of the "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group. See my reviews below for examples.
I'm good at...
Proofreading and catching typos, spelling mistakes and incorrect grammar.
Favorite Genres
Romance, fantasy
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Poetry.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 ... Next
176
176
Review of Borrowed time  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


Hi Just an Ornery Jyo! ,
This is the third of the reviews in the *Lightning* Lightning Package *Lightning* from "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group that you won from scorpialex in the Save the Groups raffle.

Image #1729357 over display limit. -?-


It can be hard to receive feedback on a poem that is heartfelt. It is true that sometimes we just 'write what we feel' or that certain words have significance or meaning that others can't see. With that in mind, please take my review in the way that it was meant - if it helps, then great, if you disagree with any of my comments, then please ignore them. The following comments are just my personal opinions.

On the whole I really liked this poem. I think the overall message is true and clear - that memories are distorted by the passage of time. I know from personal experience that my sisters and I will all remember the same incident in quite different ways. It's supposed to be one of the most frustrating things for the police too - that three eye-witnesses to the same event will all give different descriptions of the offender or the victim or the getaway vehicle. "It was a black van". "No, it was a dark blue sedan!". So I think you will find that most readers will agree with, and identify with, your message here.

A second message, which is almost hidden but reveals itself cleverly in that last line, is that we should not dwell on the past. And again, most people will be able to identify with that. Perhaps we can't all let go of it like we should, but we can all recognise the wisdom in your advice.

One thing that bothered me in this poem was that you describe a pressed flower, a 'carefully preserved skeleton', then you mention that the outline is preserved at the cost of detail, and then on to 'blurred' in the following line. For me, as I read those first four lines, I imagined a petal or a leaf that had dried and been lovingly preserved in all its glorious detail...but without the flesh or colour of the original. A carefully preserved skeleton, exactly. However, to me, that doesn't fit with lost details or blurriness. In fact, I would suggest that the pressed flower, the carefully preserved skeleton, doesn't fit well with your intended message. Looking back, now that I know the underlying message, I would expect - a sandcastle that is eroded by wind or waves, a chalk drawing on the sidewalk that is slowly washed away by the rain, or perhaps a faded handwritten letter that is no longer clearly visible. I'm sure there are endless lists of things, but I just felt that a pressed flower, a 'carefully preserved skeleton' didn't fit with the blurring of memories over time.

*Cut*arrested in motion, in time,
appearing altered, by trick of thought
that paints it in hues never endowed on it before,
distorting its shape and proportion.*Cut*

Those lines are fantastic. I particularly like the use of the word 'hues' which makes my imagination light up with all sorts of shades and colours.

Your last two lines aren't very poetical perhaps, but they sum up the whole poem and leave no room for doubt. Well done.

I think you have a lovely 'voice' in your poetry, and your poem was easy to read and I found myself wanting to put pen to paper and write something myself, so it was also inspiring. It is entirely up to you if you wish to change the part about pressed flowers or if that makes perfect sense to you and your other readers and you wish to leave it. *Smile*

Thank you for sharing,
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


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177
177
Review of The Crystal Tear  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This is a truly beautiful poem. I loved your use of words. 'Whisper-soft', 'generous calm' and 'iced wintry scene' were my favourites.

One line felt a little awkward.
*Cut*This walk in the snow to me has been revealing.*Cut*
I would suggest reviewing that line. Something like 'This walk in the snow has been so revealing' might work better? I understand that you've moved the words around to get the word 'revealing' at the end so it can rhyme with 'feeling', but it doesn't quite work for me the way it currently is. Anyway, you can take a look and see what you think.

I felt, as I read it, like I could picture the whole scene, and it was beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing, I really enjoyed reading this.

Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


178
178
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

I can guess from your username/handle and the subject of this poem, that this one is very special to you. It's a lovely tribute, but even more special is the wonderful memories you have, and the 'living memory' that reminds you each day of him. Yellow roses are special for my husband and I too - the ladies at work insist that he should send red roses for 'love' on our wedding anniversaries or special occasions, but the one year he gave in, I told him he should have gone with his instinct, because yellow roses are my favourites. Now he just sends the yellow ones and it makes the ladies at his work cross. *Smile* I think they read too much in to those 'meanings of flowers' things. In the end, it's the sentiment behind that gift that means everything, and your man obviously loved you very much.

There is only one line in the poem that doesn't 'feel' right.
*Cut*A bush for each of our years.*Cut*
I found I stumbled on the rhythm with that line. You might be able to reread it now that a few years have passed since you first wrote it, and see how it feels to you.

Other than that, it is a lovely poem. Thanks for sharing it.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group
179
179
Review of Random Thoughts  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


There are moments of real beauty in this poem, but it is hard to read, and that stops me from enjoying those moments. You've hidden clever combinations of words in the middle of long, winding sentences and there is a serious lack of commas. Mostly it just needs proofreading, but I'll highlight a few examples for you so you'll know what I refer to.

*Cut*That somewhere out there their is someone who feels like you*Cut*
'Their' should be 'there'. Which would make it 'That somewhere out there there is someone who feels like you'. You could seperate the two words with a comma, but it would be better to rephrase the sentence. Something like 'That somewhere out there, someone feels like you'.

*Cut*For the miles are many the roads wind and turn and though at first they may have been straight they now have become a dimly lit narrow path that could lead you into a heartbreak if you allow it to.*Cut*
That sentence could easily be shortened and made easier to read.
Firstly, it needs a comma after 'the miles are many'. Then I would suggest changing 'though at first they may have been straight they now have become' to something like 'what was straight is now'. I'd also suggest doing the same to 'that could lead you into a heartbreak if you allow it to', which could be 'that could lead to heartbreak'. These are just suggestions, and I don't expect you to simply cut and paste my words in to your poem (although I don't mind if you do use any of them), but rather I am trying to give you examples, so that you can have another look at it, and see what you think will work best. It has to have your 'voice', not mine, and while I can suggest improvements, only you can know what works for your poem, in your voice.

*Cut*You hold the thoughts that when they are going through their storm you would gladly hold the umbrella of love and protection over them.*Cut*
Again, this could easily be rephrased so that it is easier to read. In this case, I would just take out the first five words altogether, they're not necessary. It needs a comma after storm, as well. An umbrella of love and protection is a lovely thought though, I like the way you've done that.

Now that some time has passed since you first wrote this, I would suggest reading through it and adding some commas, seeing if there are any ways to rephrase sentences, etc. You've used some lovely words, like 'brightest beacon of light' and 'the dimly lit narrow path'. There is definitely potential in this poem.

I'll just finish with my favourite words of the piece.
*Cut*someone who was already bright enough to light their own way.*Cut*
Beautiful.

Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


180
180
Review of Helpless  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

I saw your request for a review in the newsletter. Please note that these are just my opinions and others will have different opinions.

The theme of this poem is a difficult one - I understand, because I've had friends who have battled with addiction. I actually wrote a poem myself from the OTHER perspective - that of the user who has passed on. If you're interested, you can check it out - "Final Comprehension.

I liked your choices of words, and the mood you created with the poem. There was a mix of what I call 'sweet, sickly words' which give us a lingering impression of the drugs (words like pleasure, saturate, sweet and release), and then the somber words which go with the results of using those drugs (words like burning, evil, pain and extinguish). You do repeat some of the words twice, but I don't think they need changing.

The poem is not rated, and I would suggest you could rate it as 18+ (or 13+ but I'm not 100% sure that's the right rating, so I'm suggesting 18+ just to be safe). If you leave it as '---', it isn't listed on the public pages, and it's much harder for people to find. That might be why you've had so few reviews.

For me, the main 'criticism' of the poem is the lack of punctuation. I know that some poets don't like to use punctuation, but I much prefer it. It's over to you entirely, but I'd like to see full stops, etc in there.

*Cut*and your pleasure"s, burning black holes*Cut*
You've used a quotation mark there instead of an apostrophe, but I don't think it needs either. I would take it out and just leave it as 'pleasures'.

*Cut*I watched sadly as you, saturate you*Cut*
I would suggest taking out the comma in that line, and changing the second 'you' to 'yourself'. So it would read 'I watch sadly as you saturate yourself'. What do you think?

*Cut*and I wonder how, you could not see me *Cut*
*Cut*waiting for your return , from that deep dark valley of insanity*Cut*
*Cut*all the love I have given you, is not enough to stop you*Cut*
None of these lines need commas in them. It feels like you've put the commas in there to make the reader pause, to give rhythm and meter to your poem. It worked, but it leaves the reader frowning over the incorrect use of punctuation (well, that's what it did to me anyway!). I would suggest removing the comma and instead moving the words after each comma to a new line. You could do the same where you currently have commas in your second, third and fourth lines - each of those could easily be made in to two lines. That would keep the metering and rhythm you've achieved, while fixing your punctuation.

Further on metering and rhythm, I thought it was excellently done. I found it easy to 'feel' the metering and the rhythm as I read, and that's a lot rarer than you'd think in poetry.

All in all, well done.
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group
181
181
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


This was an amusing, and surprisingly informative piece. I have done a lot of investigation in to being an egg donor, but I have never managed to *cough* meet the weight requirements *cough*, so I haven't donated.

I found the actual process (no, not that process!) quite interesting, and I also enjoyed hearing about your motivations. What made me keep reading though, was your quirky sense of humour that came through very clearly. *Smile*

A couple of places you used the word 'ofcourse' which is actually two words.

I think it would be good if you indented and bullet-pointed lists, such as the information on the legal complications, etc. This would make it easier to read, instead of each point looking like a new paragraph.

*Cut*I queried her on the use of the word “bank” and she laughed.

“Well I think they should replace the ‘b’ with a ‘w’ but it’s just what we use to refer to the procedure”

Yes, banking indeed.*Cut*

That made me laugh out loud. *Bigsmile*

Oh, and you really need to change the rating on this item. Because you used the f word, it needs to be rated as 18+.
To be rated 13+
'There may be mild references to sex, drugs or alcohol, but do not exceed extreme levels. Mild swearing may be used, but no use of the harsher sexually derived words may be found.'
So I would definitely change it to 18+.

A very amusing 'report'. Did you ever hear if there were any results?

Oh, and I meant to say, I doubt the thoughts of the parent at conception have ANYTHING to do with the resulting child. Otherwise, surely there'd be no sane and normal children out there. Is it even possible to conceive a child without thinking dirty thoughts? lol

Thanks for sharing,

Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group
182
182
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This piece is clearly important to you, and this is a great way to promote it. I love the idea of transcript of a radio interview - an excellent idea.

I found the 'accent' quite hard to read, mostly because I'm not English and while I've heard the Liverpool accent before, I found it hard to 'read' in that accent. I kept imagining a Jamaican accent, which doesn't work for your piece at all! *Shock* I have tried to write accents in stories before, and given up. It's incredibly hard to do. One of my favourite authors, Hannah Howell, writes a beautiful Scottish accent that is so easy to read, but I can't do it. Anyway, I can't help you on making the accent 'easier' to read, but maybe if you look over it again now that some time has passed since you first wrote it, you can see if there's any way to improve it. I'm sure a pom could read it quite easily, so please don't take my critique too much to heart. *Smile*

*Cut*We have baby's here for cryin' out loud. *Cut*
'Baby's' should really be 'babies'.

I would suggest putting the comment about the music right at the top, before the piece starts. Otherwise, we read it all the way through and THEN realise that we were supposed to be imagining (no pun intended) the music as we read. It would be great if that was at the top, and I loved the idea of having a set 'soundtrack' to a piece of writing. You've chosen a well-known song too, so it's easier for all of us to 'listen' to it as we read.

Thanks for sharing, and congratulations again on your account anniversary,
Elle
Founder of the "Kiwis on WDC! group


183
183
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This is obviously a very personal and heartfelt piece, and as such I will treat it very gently. Let me just say firstly that I'm sorry for your loss.

The piece does need proofreading. I don't know whether enough time has passed that you can take another look at it and add in capital letters, punctuation, etc that are missing, or if it is still too painful. When you are able to though, it will improve the piece significantly.

Also, at the end, you need to use these marks: {} instead of brackets () to create an emoticon.

Congratulations again on your account anniversary. *Smile*
Elle
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184
184
Review of Cupid's Fate  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


What a fun read. I have to admit, when I started reading, I was expecting something sweet and sappy. And boring. This was a fun read. *Smile*

*Cut*And to top it all off, I have yet to see a man that can aim, trust me, I’ve woken up with plenty of them to know that they can’t hit the water in the toilet and that particular part is attached.*Cut*
Ha ha ha ha! I live with an 11yo boy and if we can teach him to 'aim' before he leaves home, I will colour myself surprised! *Bigsmile* I would suggest making that sentence in to two sentences though, with a full stop after 'aim'.

*Cut*You captured that bird so perfectly.” I complemented him.*Cut*
That should be a comma after the quotation marks, and 'complemented' should be 'complimented'. To give someone a compliment, you spell it with an i. If two things complement each other, like the new pink cushion complements the brown sofa, it's with an e. Compliment is praise, complement enhances.

*Cut*“Cupid, you know I love you don't you, darling?” He asked almost hesitantly. *Cut*
'He' should have a lower case letter, as it is part of the original sentence.

*Cut*This line of questioning made my skin crawl as if something was sneaking up to whisper a bad secret in my ear.*Cut*
An EXCELLENT sentence! Loved it! It made me want to check for spiders or creepy crawlies!

*Cut*That was four hundred five years, six months, and three days ago and I am still stewing in it.*Cut*
Ha ha ha ha ha! *Bigsmile* Nothing like holding a grudge, huh?

Thank you for the entertaining story, and congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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185
185
Review of GO AN EXTRA MILE  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


What an awesome message you share with us all. You have not only passed this legacy on to your daughter, but as you live it and write it, you pass it on to the rest of us. And it is such a great thing to live by - going the extra mile.

The item would be easier to read if you allowed the lines in each paragraph to run on, instead of breaking a sentence by dropping it down to a new line. For example:
*Cut*Go an extra mile, not only in your work, in your relationship, but in every aspect
of your life.*Cut*

You didn't need a new line for 'of your life'. The sentence could have just kept going on the same line, and that would have made it easier to read.

I liked the way you told us of the 'testimonial' from your daughter, but then shared an example of a complete stranger going the extra mile for you. I had expected lots of examples of YOU going the extra mile, but your story was more powerful for the examples you used.

Thanks for sharing your message, and congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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186
186
Review of SoCalScribe  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

Hi, I just wanted to let you know that while I thought the layout of this page was good - clear, structured and very easy to navigate - it is incredibly hard to read. It uses very light (even white?) fonts against a white background. I suggest changing the background to a dark colour, so the fonts are visible. You could change the colours of the fonts of course, but changing the background would be the simplest fix. *Smile*
You have a lot to be proud of though, and I hope that one day I'll have a portfolio as impressive as yours.
Elle

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187
187
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This is a great story, and I really do hope you intend to write more chapters. I think this would be very commercial for a 13-16 year old audience. Excellent. The imagery and descriptions are amazing. It needs a little polishing - a few typos, and I noticed several places where you had 'it's' and it should have been 'its', stuff like that. The plot, the character, the way you've written it - all perfect.

*Cut*A clock on a metal shelf next to his bed throbbed 12:15 in red dots.*Cut*
I love that line! I would never have thought to use 'throbbed' but it works perfectly!

*Cut*"Well, mabye this will be the day it all changes," Max whispered.*Cut*
Typo on 'maybe'.

*Cut*He said that everday, just so he could laugh.*Cut*
Typo on 'everyday'.

*Cut*Weather baloons?*Cut*
Typo on 'balloons'.

*Cut*he felt proud that was somewhat of a monkey.*Cut*
That HE was somewhat of a monkey.

*Cut*A white plastic shopping bag danced lonely circles in a breeze at the edge of Broadway Street.*Cut*
*Cut*A convoy of rats raced along the edge of fence.*Cut*
Those two lines are BRILLIANT! *Smile* Although you do need a 'the' before fence. Excellent descriptions though.

*Cut*then sliping and sliding like a black ghost down the alley.*Cut*
Typo on 'slipping'.

*Cut*Letting out a growl that shook the moon,*Cut*
Another excellent line!

*Cut*The girl got her sword in it's path in time it to save herself, and she struck back, but her turn was too slow, her thrust two weak.*Cut*
You've got an extra 'it' after time, which isn't needed. And 'two' before 'weak' should be 'too', not the number two.

*Cut*Instantly, the creature shattered into a cloud of dust like a sack of flour sliced wide open with a chainsaw.*Cut*
Oh, you really do have a knack for language. Fantastic.

I really enjoyed this. I just thought it was so well written. A few minor editing points, a need for proofreading, but the hard stuff, the important stuff, is all great. I really do hope you intend to write further chapters. I'd like to see a continuation of the 'grittiness' of the hard life that Max leads and the descriptions of the surroundings as you continue the story.

Again, congratulations on your account anniversary. *Smile*

Elle

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188
Review of The White Lady  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "The Power Review Shop! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: Lornda and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! The following message was included: 'For your third prize win for our September Power Raid!' Enjoy! *Fire*

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This is a fascinating short story, and honestly, I wanted it to be longer. I wanted more details, more descriptions, I wanted some resolution. *Smile* I loved the way you used words to give life to inanimate objects. The walls were 'defiant', the monastery was 'lonely'. Brilliant. You have a real knack for describing a setting.

There were a few errors I picked up on, and I'll detail those below. I also suggest reading through your work again to check the placing of commas, etc. There were a few that I thought could be rearranged, but they were a very minor consideration.

*Cut*The full moon illuminated the stone walls, crafted together by skilled workers hundreds of years before.*Cut*
I would suggest removing the word 'walls' from this sentence, as you used it in the previous sentence and it is unnecessary. I think the word 'together' is also unnecessary.

*Cut*The building was bordered by anciet gravestones, leaning this way and that, the earth below them uprooted and barren.*Cut*
You've got a small typo in the word 'ancient' there, just missing the n. My personal feeling is that the word 'uprooted' isn't correct for a description of earth, rather than trees, but that's just personal opinion. *Smile*

*Cut*he had lived and work in the small town his whole life.*Cut*
'Work' should be 'worked'.

*Cut*He was a strong man of twenty who tended in the fields which yielded the crops for the town*Cut*
Again, you've repeated the word 'man' from the previous sentence and I'd prefer to see another word here, although you definitely need something there (can't just remove it like you can with the previous examples). You do need to remove the word 'in' after 'tended' as it is not correctly used. He tended the fields, he didn't tend IN the fields.

*Cut*At twenty he was married to a woman several years younger than him.*Cut*
You've already told us his age, so I would just have 'He was married to a woman several years younger than him' and maybe even add the next sentence to it, to combine the two.

*Cut*Fortunately she had also took a shine to him too.*Cut*
This should say that she had TAKEN a shine to him too, not 'took'.

*Cut*One particular night when the brilliant, sparkling light of the White Lady could be seen as she glancing between the grave stones outside of the ruins of the monastery, Paulo made a decision.*Cut*
'Glancing' isn't the right word for whatever the White Lady was doing. What was she doing? 'As she walked between'? 'As she moved between'? She could even have 'glanced' between, I suppose, but as no one can see her face, that doesn't feel right. You might want to review the paragraph or sentence and see what word you think should be there.

*Cut*"He mentioned me?" for the first time since he began to speak to her, he saw that her face read with shock.*Cut*
This is really two sentences, I think, so you need a capital on 'for'. The last part, her face can't read with shock, so perhaps 'showed' shock? 'Her face showed shock' or 'he saw shock on her face' or 'she looked shocked' which I think is probably the better of those suggestions. See what you think works best though.

*Cut*"They were in consorts with the Devil himself.*Cut*
This would be better as 'They were consorting with the Devil himself.'

*Cut*"I am forever doomed to talk the site of this monastery because the ritual was uncomplete.*Cut*
'Talk' should be 'walk' I think, that looks like a typo. 'Uncomplete' should be 'incomplete'.

There was a lot of description at the start, and a lot of dialogue at the end. I really enjoyed your descriptions, they were the highlight of the piece for me, and I think you could easily add more to the second half. Have Paulo and Isobel walk as they talk, and add descriptions of gravestones, and the rocky path or whatever. Not so much because they're necessary, but just because I really loved them and wanted more! *Smile* The whole concept of the story is good, I liked hearing about the White Lady and learning what her story was. It needs a little polishing, but it was an enjoyable read.

Elle

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189
189
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "The Power Review Shop ! The Fossil Fuel Package has been ordered for you from: Lornda and includes a review of one story or poem! It came with the message: 'Part of your win for the 'September Review Raid'' Enjoy! *Fire*

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I adore stories about recipes and the passing down of 'heirlooms' from one family member to another. In my family, we call these recipes 'heirloom recipes' because they are as important to our family as any physical heirloom. I am in the process of compiling a recipe book using family recipes, each with their own comments and memories and photos. It's a big job but oh so worth it. I'm so glad you decided to record your memories about your grandmother's pound cake. One day, your children or grandchildren will be ever so glad that you did.

I really liked the way you didn't restrict the memories to just those from the kitchen. You shared a little about your grandparents' personalities and their working histories. That sort of thing is invaluable to a family historian (yep, in my family, that's me!). But you've also made it relevant to the story about the cake - the different lives they led affected the way they were in the kitchen. One grandmother had a lot of time, and cooked more often, and the other grandmother had less time and had to be more efficient.

*Cut*She had her schedule down pat each day had its own event.*Cut*
That sentence is missing some punctuation between pat and each.

Your fifth paragraph is a little hard to read, which is a shame since it is really the most important paragraph of the story. In your third sentence, you wrote:
*Cut*Being short, and the counters were fairly high, let’s just say it was awkward.*Cut*
That really needs rewording. Something like 'I was short and the counters were fairly high, so let's just say it was awkward.' You need to look at the next sentence too, and do the same for that one.

The fact that you put extra comments in with your actual recipe is brilliant. I love the whole 'beat the devil out of it' thing. How funny. *Smile* You can almost hear her say it. Have you thought about putting those comments in a different coloured font so that they stand out from the recipe itself?

I would suggest not using double line spacing for your ingredients, and instead leaving a space between the ingredients and the method, just to make it easier on the eye. I would also put an extra line space before you start talking about the chocolate pound cakes.

Thank you so much for sharing this. You've got me all revved up to go and work on my family recipe book now!
All the best,
Elle

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190
190
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

This forum is such an excellent idea. There are a number of things that I particularly like about it...
The rules are simple. You tell us exactly where we can find the people with account anniversaries, but we can review anything from their portfolio that we like. We can do as many or as few as we please.
We have the chance to 'earn' a merit badge. As someone who covets merit badges, this is irresistible to me. *Smile* I'm sure it's the same for others. And to be truthful, 15 is a low goal. I'm very surprised it's not significantly higher.
I love the fact that you change the merit badge each week. This ensures people will keep coming back, hoping to add a new merit badge to their collection. Genius!
There's no need to create an item for your portfolio, which will be appreciated by those who don't have room for many items.
It encourages people to get in to the habit of writing reviews.

All in all, I think you've had a real brainwave when you thought of this. Well done indeed, and I will see you there (hopefully pretty regularly!).
Elle

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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


I've never written lyrics myself, and I don't think I've ever reviewed any before either. I actually expected this to be a poem, and as I was reading through I thought 'Wow, these would make amazing song lyrics!' Then I checked to see what you'd categorised them as, and realised they were lyrics all along. Oops! Still, they are recognisably lyrical and I really enjoyed reading them. I actually really want to hear them sung!!

*Cut*Where each raindrop,
crashing down, telling sad stories.*Cut*

That second line needs to be either 'crashes down, telling sad stories' or 'crashing down, tells sad stories.' Either one would work, but as you have it now it doesn't quite sound right.

You also need to review the punctuation over the whole item. I didn't bother going through and pointing them all out. I'd cut and paste it into Word and do a spelling/grammar check and that should pick up any punctuation errors that you can't spot yourself.

I don't have a favourite line - I went over the whole thing again trying to pick one, but actually I really love all of it. You have a real talent for writing lyrics and I must confess, I'm rather envious. *Smile*

Congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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by Maryann
192
192
Review of Going Home  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


This poem really speaks of the loneliness and despair of a homeless woman. The rhythm is almost perfect, as is the rhyme. I only noticed one small error in each.

*Cut*as I slip into my death.*Cut*
I think the rhythm would work better if you took out the word 'my' there.

*Cut*There's no one here to mourn my soul
and no one knows I'm gone.
But my life, it has been whole,
because Jesus shared the dawn.*Cut*

It might just be my accent, but I can't make gone and dawn rhyme. Like I say, it might just be my accent, so take another look at it and see if it still works for you. If it does, just ignore my comment. *Smile*
I really liked the first two lines of that last stanza though - definitely keep them even if you do change the rhyme around a bit.

A great poem, and a powerful subject. Well done, and congratulations again on your account anniversary.
Elle

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by Maryann
193
193
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
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*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group *CakeP*


I wasn't sure what I was expecting from the title of your poem, but it certainly wasn't this masterpiece. This is brilliantly written. I have never seen a poem with a four line stanza, followed by a single line, then another four line stanza and so on. You made it work beautifully.

The mood of the poem was a little dark, and I felt a little uncomfortable reading it. It wasn't a sweet, romantice poem, but it was so well written. Afterwards I felt a little...disturbed but had to go back and reread parts of it that I thought were particularly good.

I liked the way you took one small part of the scene and made it the focus. I wouldn't have thought you could describe one thing in so many different ways, but you not only did that, but made it poetic and fascinating as well.

One of the best poems I've read so far on WDC. Thanks for sharing, and again, congratulations on your account anniversary.
Elle

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by Maryann
194
194
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

It's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
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I found this piece very powerful. It was the title that first caught my attention and then I had to find out what the story was about. The use of words like 'humiliated', 'piercing', 'disparagement' and 'aspersions' really set a dark mood.

*Cut*“I hate her.”*Cut*
It's such a simple line, but you have used it to brilliant effect and made the words as powerful in your story as they were in real life.

*Cut*A wild joy burst from me when I dared pen*Cut*
That sentence appears to be unfinished. I expected it to finish along the lines of 'I dared my pen to write the words' or something. Take another look at it, I suspect you were probably busy changing something and overlooked that small error.

Again, a fantastic story, very powerful and compelling for so few words and I really enjoyed it. I loved that you triumphed, and that it brings us forward to your successes on WDC today.

Elle

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by Maryann
195
195
Review of Dear Maryann  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very colorful shared sig for review raids

Where I live (in New Zealand), it's Wednesday 12th September. THAT means....it's time for the

*Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Confettio**Confettib**Confettip**Confettibr**Confettiv**Confettig**Confettigr**Confettiy**Partyhatr**Gifto**Cupcakey*
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This was such a delightful read. I loved the way you converted the virtual world here at WDC in to a physical one. The idea of physically holding on to the suitcase was one that made me smiled. You noted special moments that only a friend could note, like the Trekkie moments, as well big milestones like the changing of status to yellow suitcase, then blue suitcase.
I am sure this story touched Maryann deeply. It was truly lovely, and a pleasant read.

Elle

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by Maryann
196
196
Review of The Soul Of India  
Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "The Power Review Shop! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: ~A.J. Lyle~ and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! The following message was included: This is your 2nd surprise! I hope you enjoy it! *Fire*

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This was a beautiful piece. I have never travelled to India, and have no understanding of what the Ganges means to the Indian people. Your words showed me the depth of their relationship with her. You used powerful words which really reach out and touch the reader and force us to acknowledge that this is not a lightly written piece but one which holds meaning and solemnity.

*Cut*My conscience burdened by the sin I had just committed; I reached the point of atonement, where the earth’s most magnificent spectacle greeted my eyes.*Cut*
This sentence doesn't work for me. I think it's probably worth reviewing it to see if you could do without the semi-colon. The words are good, I think it's just the structure that doesn't seem right.

Other than adding a hyphen to 'disease causing' in your fourth paragraph, I thought the rest of the piece was brilliantly written. I loved the way you used words like 'exploited', 'harnessed', 'monstrous', etc. 'Tears of repentance' was also particularly good.

Just a note: You've used the word fag in this piece and unfortunately that means you require a higher rating on this item. A similar query on the same word in the content rating forum received this answer: '"Fag" is non-E because it's used as a drug. All drugs, regardless if they're legal, are rated non-E. Cigarettes are non-E, and therefore "fag" is.'

Again, I really enjoyed this piece. It opened up my eyes to a little piece of the world that I knew nothing about and gave me a small insight in to something that means so much to so many people. Thank you very much for sharing.
Elle

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

That last line is VERY clever. I got the meaning immediately, but then (I must admit), I ran off to check that it was a real word. I've not come across it before!
I often find when I'm reading poetry that I concentrate on how it makes me feel. I struggle to write and read poems that have to adhere to strict syllable or rhyming regulations, because to me poetry is about expressing emotion. As you say, it is a glimpse in to another person's soul, another person's heart. There is definitely good poetry and poor poetry though, I think. All reviews should be encouraging and positive though.
Just a note - cliche's should be cliches, without the apostrophe.
Great poem, and a good message for all reviewers. People put a lot of heart and soul in to their writing, and we do need to remember that and acknowledge that in our reviews. Thanks for the reminder. And I DO love that last line!
Elle

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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

That was a wonderful tribute to your grandfather. I have never delivered a eulogy before, but I've been to a few funerals as an adult, and the best eulogies are the ones that make you nod and make you smile. The recurring theme of a man who loved a challenge was so clear that I have no doubt that the people there were nodding away in agreement. Such a clear character trait must have been well-known, even if people saw it in different little ways. And there were a few things in there that made me smile, even as someone who never knew him - things like his wit that makes you laugh and cringe at the same time (oh how that reminds me of Nana Rose, my husband's grandmother!) and his funny habits at the track (getting tips from the janitor!) and competing with him in the computer stakes...

You noted that you were happy to receive edits and corrections, but I only noticed the need for one small correction. There might be more, but I got distracted by the actual 'story' that I stopped looking at the punctuation.
*Cut*"I have a feeling about this one" he'd say.*Cut*
That needs a comma after 'one'.

It's hard to put our memories about someone down in writing after they've gone, especially in the (usually) short time between the death and the funeral. It's even harder to do it with humour and skill. You've done an excellent job and I'm sure he was proud. I love that you buried a copy of the full version with him.
Thanks for sharing.
Elle

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Review by Elle
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi John~Ashen , would you believe I found this piece while I was googling my old Stories.com username? I wrote the deleted piece you included above, under the name 'elanormaud'. Unfortunately, work and kids took their toll on my free time and my membership at Stories.com dwindled until my account was eventually deleted. Stupidly, I never backed it up or kept copies of anything I wrote (unless they were written pre-Stories.com). I don't even remember the poem you reference in this piece, but I do remember losing the story I wrote about the birth of my son in 2001. I will eventually rewrite it, but he's 11 years old now, and the memories will never be the same. That's a lesson for backing up your work if ever I had one! Anyway, I just wanted to pop by and say hello again. I do feel like a newbie on Writing.com as there is no evidence of my previous membership, but it's nice to see that I really did exist here before. Hope to see you around.
Elle

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Review by Elle
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A dragon reading a book by candle light

You certainly struck a chord in me with this piece. In the first years of our marriage, we tried to visit my parents, his parents, and family friends, all in the one day. The kids weren't the only ones who were exhausted! Finally my husband proposed a manageable solution. Actually, he didn't propose it. He ordered it. *Smile* Since then, we've been on a three year rotation - my parents, his parents and home. 2010 was our first Christmas at home...ever. It was blissfully relaxing. Well, apart from the fact that my mother and sister turned up before any of us were even out of bed. My in-laws had been and gone by 11am. We didn't have to cook anything, we got to see everyone and we got to relax. I'm genuinely tempted to go to a one year rotation - every year at my house!

*Cut*"Good morning Thomas." Andrea called across the room as she pulled plates out of the cupboard.*Cut*
*Cut*"I know." Andrea responded, pushing her plate away.*Cut*
With both of those sentences, I think the first full stop should actually be a comma.

As it did with me, I think this short story will touch many readers - it's a more common situation that any of us would like, even when parents aren't divorced. This definitely has universal appeal. Thanks for sharing.
Elle

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