This is brilliant! I really loved it and had a good laugh at the end.
Some suggestions for improvements... Our baby sitter loved children very much, and even more so loved to play with children.
Delete space in babysitter. Maybe this would sound better if you wrote.."Our baby sitter loved children very much, and loved to play with them even more so."
One night my parents left for a play around eight o'clock, which was after my bedtime, so before they left the put me to bed.
they put me...
I loved this line... "Mom-my y-you an-and dad-dy went and play-ed with-ith out m-me. I-I can play too!"
I haven't thought about this age of talking in tears for ages..Thanks for bringing fond memories alive...although actually all those memories are ones I'd probably rather forget lol!
A great read, a very funny and effectively told story.
I want to be a teacher, (highschool, science). I love the way you have broken down the process of learning, and educating, and described it all so well.
As a student I know that there is very little a teacher can do when I have given up on myself, or have no desire to learn. I love learning though, and I wish that others enjoyed it as much..hence my chosen career path.
I love the pairs... Frustrating and Futile,...Exhilarating and Exalting,... Fulfilling and Fascinating
Makes the poem a joy to read
I really liked this. I had to click because at only 23 I feel I have a terrible memory...no joke!..Stop laughing So much so that I am currently working through a book on how to improve my memory...I'll let you know how it goes..if I remember
I loved the line.. Memories tease with a tempting taste
I agree, it's like it's half there..and half not...You just can't do much with half a memory...I love the Three T's used here...especially if you say it out loud
Brushing strands of spider webs away as they cling,
Tangling me in sticky gossamer nets and snares.
..Reminds me of myself trying to remember a chemistry equation...Can get very sticky..lol! I love this image that is created...forgetfullness is trapping.
A great piece of writing, keep up the great work!
Regards,
Farhana
What a wonderful little story! This was so funny I was really laughing out loud I love the observations you made, the cute little titles you came up with....all in all, a very creative and funny read.
You make some really interesting points here. I'm a Muslim, so I totally agree that religious festivals should be celebrated by the religious. I don't know why people have tolerated it for so long when their religious festivals are being hijacked. And I think all those people that gave you bad reviews should take a look at themselves. These days it seems that a lot of people have adopted a new kind of religion, one that they don't readily admit to belonging to, to themselves or others. They are people who worship celebrities and celebrate anything (Christmass, Haloween, Valentine's day) with the same devotion as if it were a religious festival.
I think the piece could do with some improvements to make it an excellent piece, here are some suggestions...
All right let me explain real quick why I'm writing this.
Why so quick, slow the piece down. When you are writing something controversial you must take your time to explain your views, when something is well-written people are more likely to question their own views.
notice the word CHRIST in both Christmas and Christian
I'm not a fan of capital letters, try using italics to make your point...it doesn't dominate the argument, and doesn't look like you're shouting
The monologue seems to jump around a bit. You haven't really focussed on the title "merry commercialism", this could be expanded on. Why has this happened, what do you really expect people to do now, give up celebrating/become Christians?.... etc
The PS really weakens your views, this piece now seems like a discussion board. I'm not sure if you can use a reviewer's comments in your work like this. Also, I would use their comments to re-write your piece, tagging it on the end like this makes it look messy and like you haven't thought your argument through...even though you already have.
Hope that helps, keep on writing!
Regards,
Farhana
This is a wonderful piece of writing...and what a story! The story is moving and inspirational and told wonderfully. With a combination of reflection on the past..."I remember vividly how surprised my wife and I were at the sparkling cascade of words: "Rachel can talk?" And she did, once she was out from Christi's shadow.".... and hope for the future "She looked like she came from another planet. I was frightened. What would the future hold? I did not know." you encompass both generations of your family and create a wonderfully captivating story!
Some improvements....
"I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed unto Him against that day." (2 Timothy 1:12)
Again I would put quotes in italics
What was this word? What did it mean? I went online and did a search on Yahoo.
Personally I wouldn't have lines like this on their own...join it with another paragraph.
I hope the baby is still doing well, and I love the hat
This is a wonderful read, you did a great job considering the time limit. You have really let your imagination run wild with this one....and the results are fantastic!
"Peter Cottontail and Simon Says are great names, they're very creative and add so much character to the piece. The piece is also characterised by the chaos that you have very successfully created with the animals and by focussing on a large family "We children: Harvey, Joey, Leonard, Caroline, and I..."
I love the way that you used sentences of contrasting lengths, this really works well and adds to the "madness" that runs through the piece.
For exapmle... Then there was Leonard. Leonard never stopped reading. He used one hand to turn the pages of his book, and the other hand – never bothering with utensils (which Leonard had declared interfered with his ability to feel texture, size, and shape of food,) he tossed the meal into his mouth like a basketball player at a gymnasium.
I would suggest though that you join some paragraphs together. I'm not a fan of two sentence paragraphs...like " You can see, therefore, that guests were never repeat customers. Most frequently our family dined alone, except for that one Easter when Mother invited RELATIVES."
Overall the piece is a fun easy read that demonstrates a really creative streak in the author...well deserving of the ribbon
This is a great piece, makes a lot of sense actually
I love the contrasts used... murk overpowering sense
thought overrides the resolve
By end of the day,
it is too late once again
As I read this I thought that it captures the kind of feelings we often feel at night, is that when it was written?
Can I suggest that you take another look at the line formation? I'm not a poet, but although the poem is excellent in my opinion, the format is making it difficult to read.
This is a great piece of writing!
I loved so much about it...It creates such an atmosphere, one can imagine themselves standing on a lonely city street...It's wonderful!
I loved the lines.. Pin pricks of light struggle in isolation,
Desperate to penetrate the blanketed darkness,
and.... Silence lies heavily on the sheet of darkness,
And the river of dreams bathes the minds
You write very well
I would suggest that you might use some colour to jazz it up, and add a link to the contest.
Regards,
Farhana
If you have time please check out...Thanks!
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I read this several times because I found it so interesting. I don't know how to describe what I like about it...It's just so profound...four seperate lifes, the same question, do you carry on? Can you carry on?
I'm puzzled as to why you had two 'boys' instead of another character. Also what do you mean by it's my life... ...Is it a defiant statement?
This is a really interesting piece, very inspirational even though I am a devout Muslim...I appreciate your connection with God.
I found the line "dying of a disease that no doctor can cure." very profound. I am so glad that I have God in my life...I still lose hope sometimes, but I know that to lose hope is to turn your back on God, and when you do that no one can save you...
I think it's terrible the effects that alcohol have on people. Do you think that your husband would have been a loving man if he didn't drink? I'm a Muslim and in Islam alcohol is forbidden. Laws in Islam are designed for the good of the majority. Many people say that they can control their own alcohol consumption, but for the sake of the disasterous effect it has on those that can't...alcohol is forbidden to all.
Just one suggestion Seventeen years old, my innocence shining thru...thru should be spelt through
This is a really powerful piece of writing. From start to finish it has you gripped! I love the simplicity of the piece, the emotions are real and the descriptions are very effective....one can feel the desperation.
I thought that this should possibly be a PG-13 rating. I also felt that her desire to be president seemed a bit awkward, and there was no need to use the stars at the end.
This is a great piece, very well written
P.S. Sorry it took me so long to get to this, I completly forgot that I had promised to review it .
Another great piece I was truly touched by the honesty of thie piece. You invited the reader to share your journey and it's a pleasure to read the successful end...if 'end' is the right word, as this is one journey that never really ends.
I would suggest that you keep all the personal account in one colour and the extracted pieces in another to make it easy for the reader to follow. I also noticed a typo...froeign dialect...foreign.
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This is a great piece, very informative, and a good layout. The piece was well presented, and easy to follow.
I have a few small suggestions for possible improvements...
who call themselves Muslims I wouldn't say 'call' it implies that they aren't....in my opinion this would read better if it just said 'Muslims'.
It means to behave properly with everyone, control one's anger, have a respectable character which everyone likes. should end with etc.
Keep on praying and hurt His creation, your prayers are useless.If you keep etc.
would have killed all the non-believers of Arab and beyond and there would have been no other religion today....of Arab? do you mean Arabia?
I hope this gives people sufficient knowledge about Islam I would re-phrase this to say a taster of Islam, when you say suffcient, to me it sounds like you're saying that this is the complete picture, and I'm sure that's not what you mean.
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This is a really sweet piece, short and to the point. I think the bond between a mother and her unborn child must be amazing...never experienced it myself yet. But, I have two sisters that are expecting and I think the whole pregnancy thing is truly amazing!
I particularly loved the closing line I look forward to the day you are born. Love Mommy
I think it would have been nice if the piece was expanded a bit. You must have so many hopes and dreams for your unborn child, I think the reader would be interested to know more
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I like this piece a lot Taher, it's a good piece of writing. The opening line "I learnt early on in my life that to be happy is to be forgetful" is probably the best in the piece, it concisely sums up the topic of your essay.
You rationalise your opinions well, and the reader finds your argument not only valid, but well thought out.
Just out of curiousity, I wonder what you think of forgetting really painful things. This essay could be expanded to deal with the more serious issues of trauma and repression. Should we always forgive and forget? You described everyday situations, but what are your feelings on more serious quarrels?
This is soooo funny I started reading this and it sounded so familiar..then I realised you're a Brit tooo. I commute into London so I've seen this picture a thousand times! I haven't got a mobile on principle...some one shoot me before I get conned into this madness!
This is a really sweet, cute little story
Is it based on your own experiences with your grandkinds?
I had a few suggestions for impovements...ignore them if they make no sense..My grammer is not likely to be better than yours [e:laugh}
Shane answered, worry showing in his eyes, three shades darker than Ryan’s. ...why the 3 shades darker...doesn't make sense to me
I like the looks of my team, he thought as he looked at the other players. We’ll play well together....shouldn't it be look of..etc...and it might sound better if you changed one 'look' to observed or something similar
Great, that kid’s been bugging me all week. Wish I could trade teams. Oh, well, the rest of the team’s okay...why not give the kid a name..would sound more realistic
His father gave him a one-armed hug..very cute..could really visualise this
This was a little boring for the unqualified reader..sorry :(
I was intrigued as to why u choose to write about this, surely u could write about many things relating to your profession..any reason why u choose this?
I thought maybe you could change the colour of the questions..make them stand out more.
I've suffered from chronic eczema..but have found this great, simple treatment..if you're interested I'll explain more later
I don't have time to read all this..but it's a great idea and a great reference that I may be popping back to check in the future. Nice to have everything in the one place!
Wassalam
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This is a truly wonderful piece..a glorious celebration of life!
I loved everything about this piece..you write well, the topic was not only interesting, but you made some great points. I'm feeling particularly blessed at the moment so everything you said just made so much sense to me. My muscles ache because I was stubborn enough to stay awake on four hrs sleep...but after the pre-dawn prayer...I just could resist watching the sunrise
And..ROSES..Oh..how I love summer in London. In Regents Park there is this garden that I call 'My rose garden'..because I love it so much...It's just FULL of the most wonderful roses and flowers..and you see all kinds of people down there. The first thing I did after I finished my final exams was go down there..and smell the roses ..and make myself a daisy chain...wearing flowers is great too
Thanks for sharing this...you've brightened up my day
ANYONE READING THIS ON THE REVIEW PAGE...Check this out to feel even more happier!
Regards,
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Firstly, sorry about the HUGE delay in reviwing..I've been revising for my finals..just finished
This is a nice piece of writing, about a topic that I think we can all relate to. You have described very everday feelings in a very creative and effctive way!
I often wonder why we do wear masks infront of the world. The child in me wishes that we could really be ourselves all of the time....but as an adult I know that's not always wise
A few suggestions for improvements...
i am packing all away my toubled times...away all.
You should capitalise the i where appropriate.
Keep on writing!
Regards,
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This is a great piece Kings, and a really lovely gesture. I know Dreams - Anon, who are you? was really touched!
I think the piece could be expanded a little, it made some great points which I'd love to read more about. Just tightening it up a bit would make it a great entry...even if it is about the judge of the contest .
Some improvements...
I am an American Christian, but I have a few great Muslim friends here on..here at
"Dreams help"....Dreams helps
I know now just from knowing my friend, and her great faith in Allah. This conception I had was completely wrong of true Islamic faith.....join the sentences with a coma
All the best with the contest!
Regards,
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I really loved it and had a good laugh at the end.
So much so that I am currently working through a book on how to improve my memory...I'll let you know how it goes..if I remember 
.
