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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fhionnuisce
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I like this poem. It is either unique in form or I simply haven’t seen it before (both seem equally likely.)

Your mention of God in your first verse alludes that He is paramount as a solution to the readers plight.

The second verse makes a very good point. It in fact could be worse on the other side, a point I admit I hadn’t much considered (of course I have no penchant for suicide either.)

In the third verse you throw a bit of responsibility back on the reader. An interesting approach. Then in the fourth you describe the folly in ending one’s life for the reasons you mention. Another interesting approach.

These verses flow well and follow each other in good order seguing nicely from one to the other.

The last two verses change form with the longer lines, as I noted earlier. This caused me to pay closer attention to what I was reading at this point. It was as if the first verses were a ride I was taking, information passing to me as I traveled along. Then the change, like the ride slowed and a very important conclusion was being presented to me. Telling me that I have no right to end a life, even my own. Then I am told that something valuable may be lost by the commission of suicide. This holds a duality. Not only should I not destroy something good, but that good is or at least might be me, the reader.

I must reiterate that I cannot comprehend the perspective of a suicidal person (and have no right to claim I could.) Still I found this poem well written. It had unique angles not often braved when writing about such a subject. And it was brave indeed to tackle the subject. Kudos for that as well.

I reread several times seeking pattern and rhyme. I almost thought I'd found a rhyme in the second to last verse with the words, "friend" and "end", but I think it may have been a coincidental event. Please advise me if I'm wrong. Nonetheless, I enjoy poems with no particular concern for rhyme and rhythm so long as they read well as I say your poem does. You focus on message and meaning as such is what this piece is all about and nothing should be lost trying to rhyme a word or adjust an accent here or there. I like the style you have chosen and how it was utilized.

Well done. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great poem. It really imparts the political struggle of today. I looked over it a few times wondering if I should find that you took a particular stance, but you didn't blatantly state one. I like the subtlety, the mystery of it.

I could assess 'satanic echoes' and 'rich and powerful' to either side if I so chose. Crumbling walls can hold a duality as well because it is followed by the status quo melting. "Alternate fact wages war against battalions of truth'-- this line holds a clue. The last verse holds one too, though you fade into the shadows a bit as you close, just as a lovely song lowers its volume to a whisper as it ends. And your poem does end very well.

I don't mind telling you of the courage I had to muster to review a politically rooted poem in these times. *Smile*

Great job. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
My first thought about flash fiction was how wonderfully short it was to write, but then when I tried it I realized that all of the detail of longer pieces must be somehow condensed into a tiny little space. You did a wonderful job doing just that with this piece.

The first line is an excellent hook, grabbing the readers attention.

Your use of bread-making as a conduit with which to deliver your story is clever and effective.

Minor adjectives such as feminine (laughter) and husky (voice) lead the imagination which then does the rest-- a must in flash fiction. I liked the playfulness between the characters as the plot progresses. Most readers can relate to this and will recall such memories pleasantly. You efficiently tempt the reader to enjoy your story with this device. The dab of flour on the nose was an excellent high point to that.

When you shift the mood with Sarah in front of the mirror, you convey her anxiety toward meeting the parents in very few, well chosen words.

Finally, you end the story decisively yet not abruptly. Moreover, we long to know what happens next as this beautifully crafted ending is in fact a beginning of another story indeed.

Well written. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first thing that must be mentioned is that I became carried away by your story to the place of its setting. Forgetting that one is reading a story as the imagery of the plot and the personality of the characters takes over one's mine is the epitome of a lovely and well written story. Such was this case with this item.

I thought it clever writing to make the townsfolk's reports of the dragon vary a bit as it was reported to the narrator and his bride. It left me yearning to find out why and hoping that it would be worth the wait. It was.

Once the old man appeared there was a sense of closure to the wonder of whether the dragon was indeed there or not. There was also a new beginning as this character was introduce and developed before my eyes and, more importantly, in the eye of my mind.

The ending was abrupt, but purposefully so- appropriately so. I enjoyed it as it was written. I was neither left hanging nor was the story simply truncated without reason. Well ended.

Overall, I found this piece enjoyable and believable. None of it was impossible, save the old man flying at the end. And with the ending as sharp as it was, many possibilities remain for me to wonder just 'how' this old man flew. And leaving such things to your reader's imagination is as important to good writing as anything else, don't you think?

I also would like to compliment this story for its very subtle 'other-worldly-ness' by denying the town's existence on a map, and having it only be possible to find it by being lost. There is a magical quality to that. Also, as I was about to compliment the author for not peppering this story with obscure, fantastic names made up of random letters strewn together simply so that they will sound 'fantasy-like,' I had to return to the story because I didn't recall reading a single name but for the name of the town. Upon realizing such, I found it to be an even quainter touch than keeping names simple. Interesting and well done.

Now, even if there were some minutiae such as an out of place comma or minor typo, I would not insult such a piece with a base grievance like that. This is a wonderful story. Well designed and well written. Thank you for taking me to that wonderful place an introducing me to the Dragon of Westmont, a most remarkable creature as is its author.

Thanks for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah, a wonderful piece about the horror of battle and duality of the boy soldier. The accompanying voices are haunting at the beginning of your poem, a excellent hook for the reader. I had to look up the 'Plains of Abraham.' I admit that I 'was' but 'am no longer' ignorant of this topic. Your piece quickly shows me the two sides of the soldier, warrior and youngster-- torn from their childhood and cast into hell. When you mention blood and tears near the end, I am reminded of war's ability to affect more than the life of the soldier but all whose lives his life touches. In one rallying climax the soldiers call to the only One who can help them, then they fall symbolically silent creating the eerie scene of the narrator standing on the long quiet battlefield but still feeling the pain, fear, and torment of the lost soldiers.

What a well told story in so few lines. You use my imagination as your canvass and paint vividly upon it with your talent laden pallet of words. Well written. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of ice fog  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
Only three lines? The balls on you!

I like the notion of these little poems. Short, sweet, to the point. This poem says much while leaving even more to the readers imagination. I suppose there may be those who will claim that it is lacking due to its size, but perhaps they are the ones lacking, lacking imagination and depth as readers. This piece catapults my imagination into the 'ice fog' created in your poem-- leaving me to explore the amalgam of what you have created and what I then create for myself after reading. This piece offers me what I know and what I don't know, and leaves it to me to swim in all of its metaphorical possibility. I love it.

Well done. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This was a great story. It caught my eye because of ‘Pinhead Island.’ I wondered if this was some rude reference to pinheads from circus freak-shows, but I was pleasantly surprised.

A couple of things stood out that I really liked, besides the plot and the exciting story line, of course. One thing was the way the narrator referred to a ‘bloody Enid Blighton novel.’ You gave the narrator a little personality rather than leaving him/her to be a boring robot voice. Second, the metaphor that the ocean had hands pulling at the main character was a great metaphor.

I would suggest giving some thought to a few things. Consider avoiding the use of passive voice (particularly the 2nd paragraph,) proper use of commas in compound sentences and possibly even the use of semicolons when independent clauses already contain a comma, and forgive me but I believe ‘dialed’ only has one ‘L.’

Oh yes, and I felt that the ending was well put together. It ended decisively while still allowing transition for anything written later as a sequel or continuation.

All in all, I really enjoyed this, and I think it was well done. Thanks for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great job on this. It was funny and entertaining without losing its artistic quality. Great rhyme and form. You even note that mosquitos that bite us are all females. They need the blood for their eggs of course. (I am certified by the Missouri Dept. of Agriculture to kill the little demons so this poem caught my eye.) It read smooth and entertained me all the while. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Fear Not the Dark  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Ok so, first of all, I now know what a colonial house looks like. Thanks for that and great detail to add. Another detail I liked was the hand tightening around the knife handle— not just a detail but a detailed detail. I hope that made sense.

I liked the way your story braided together the action with the background information.

When the woman’s voice became clear I was sure he was cheating on her. You got me good on that one. Well, done.

Oh yeah, and the way she put the knife behind her back— I liked that too, another detailed detail or perhaps a fine detail is a better way to put it. You aren’t just telling me what color someone’s dress is, I’m seeing action in my mind’s eye the way you want it seen.

The climax was turbulent and powerful. The ending was certainly a well-played surprise— and a little bit sad. The poor girl might have died thinking her husband was a cheater and maybe even the one who was killing her. I liked the contrast between their happiness at the beginning as you laid out the background and the finale— ultimate sadness for the widowed husband and the bride who thought she’d been betrayed. It was a nice balance.

Also, the ‘promise—’ it reared its head early on then flew off somewhere only to return at the end— the mark of a great story.

I liked it. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Spring  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
I was shuffling through my old reviews, not sure why, when I stumbled back into your port and saw this poem. I saw that it was a poem about a place I have never been, so I thought I would read your poem and go there. I was not disappointed.

I enjoyed the rhyme, noticing it right away. I also liked the three line form. You could have broken most if not all of the lines in half if you had wanted, but I believe it's far more elegant the way you formed it up.

I knew I was probably reading a contest entry when I saw the colors. And, the colors caught my eye. I can picture tulips when I look at the words. Interesting.

Overall, I thought it was awesome. I looked for something to criticize, but there was nothing.

Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Knock Knock  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I was uneasy from the start when I read the first line. I read over it again and again, puzzled; then, I realized it was the author that had me uneasy. By stories end, he did not disappoint.

The absence of the other person's voice was noteworthy. And your mention of WDC is certainly worth mention. Way to get in our heads, Angus.

You brought this story together bit by bit, increasing the tension with each morsel.

I liked the way power of the story overcame the victim. It kind of made me nervous reading this story as at that moment the victim in the story could have been me. You do not see that everyday. I want to pause and offer special kudos for that.

This story is wonderfully written and leaves my mind spinning. I wonder if the dark power over the victim originates in 'Angus' or in 'Seumus.' Are they two individuals or is one spawned from the other's dark power? The final conversation between the two is our only hideous clue.

Great jog as always. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of blinded eyes  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awesome poem. I have a pantoum somewhere in my port. I like the form of this particular type of poem. They always read well, as does yours. I forget the precise specification of the pantoum, but I would not sit and pick at some violation of form anyway. I think that simply writing in the style of a form is best, as you might otherwise need to make sacrifices due to form in lieu of content, and that would never do.

I enjoyed the visual theme and how there was conflict for the narrator between the tangible and what might have been.

Does this girl know about you poem? Hmm?

Great job.
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Review of My Mother's Poems  
for entry "Cats
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful. As a cat owner and cat lover (most of the time) I can relate.

This poem is gracefully organized and makes its point known.

I love it.

It fascinates me to think of your mother authoring this poem long ago. I too hope to achieve a similar immortality by way of my writing.

Thank you for sharing this.
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Review of Fluffy  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great story, riveting even. You formed up the personalities of the characters wonderfully, and in so few lines too especially Melanie's.

The story progression was smooth, no missing chunks or jumping about. You even smoothed it further when you filled us in on why the monster was called fluffy and such.

I grew worried about the missing sister which indicates that in so few lines you connected with the emotions of this reader. I think that says a lot.

The ending was solid and striking but not overly abrupt. It left questions, but not confusion.

I liked it.

Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Unknown Lady  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really like and can relate to this story. It took me to a place I do not know by the words you chose, the terms appropriate for that place. I smiled as your poem cited different articles of fashion, as I remembered in your port a mention of fashion. I too recall, as a young man, seeing and longing for women while never having the courage to do more than adore from afar. If only I had been a poet back then.

I love this poem! It flowed smooth and progressed through time as I read. It was believable and touching. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of The Climb  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
The first thing I noticed, having not yet read a word, was that the poem was aesthetically pleasing. I wonder if you intended that smooth design. It looks like a strong tower of sorts.

Then I read. Your poem is the sort that is written and therefore must be read very much with the heart. A touching subject you have chosen indeed.

All of it read smooth. Nothing was confusing. The story progressed nicely and peaked wonderfully.

The story left me feeling sad. I mean that in as positive a way as I can. Your poem touches my emotions. It changed me having read it, even if ever so subtly.

Wonderful job. Thank you for sharing. And know that I am sorry for the loss of your brother.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really like this one. It is a very cynical and realistic spin on life. It offers an alternative to other, sometimes naïve, ways of living. And those naïve ways are more often touted as appropriate.

If you want to make it through, you must raise your shield, lead with your weapon, and never be a gullible fool. Reality and goodness don't necessarily have anything to do with one another.

That was just some of what I got from your piece.

It both grated on me and also reinforced some of my own convictions that I embrace. Both aspects make a poem attractive to me as a reader.

The form and flow were good. Everything was good.

It was rife with attitude and conviction. Great job. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You hook the reader well. I was immediately interested in the little boy, his syndrome, and how the horse was interacting with him.

You shift to the beginning of a larger story in the second paragraph, leaving us suspenseful but not confused. You also share lingo with us that enlightens but, again does not confuse. I expected a return to the little boy with Williams Syndrome at some point but realized that such was not to be. This is not a criticism, but only a point of interest for you as the author to do with as you see fit.

The third paragraph opens up our minds to the characters, expanding them appropriately

More enlightenment of what a rider must feel or think during an unforeseen even in the fourth paragraph, this further grips me as a reader.

The next paragraph brings closure to the first ‘situation’ of the story. Nothing too abrupt here, I enjoyed that; and it allowed the story to charge forward.

I enjoyed the next event when Jimmy galloped on the main character. I felt the her frustration at the unintentional misstep of making the horse gallop and the frustration of squeezing her thighs to no avail. I returned to the front of the paragraph here, looking for the moment the riders once more mounted their horses. Not finding it, I chalked it up to poetic license and the need for abbreviation in short stories.

I recall once being on a horse that was galloping. I was on the back with my cousin “driving.” I recall my fear and this next paragraph, the eighth I think, reminded me of it vividly.

The next paragraph develops the main character’s relationship with Jimmy a bit, and perhaps with the other horses too. I enjoyed this part as it enriched the story just right at a well selected moment in the timeline.

When the husband dies in the story, it might have been abrupt were it not for your previous, well written work. Instead of feeling like a jump to another subject, it felt more like… falling into a giant cushion (the horses and what they mean to you was that cushion.) Does this make sense? You have developed the earlier part of the story, and then stated how this tragic life even occurs but also how the horses help you cope. It is well braided: is what I am trying to say.

The next paragraph about the sick horse ‘Biggie’ both saddens me as a reader but arouses my attention as you bring together the parallel of the two illnesses. You generate suspense and compassion in me as a reader here. I believe that arousing emotion in the reader is even more impressive than simply keeping one’s interest or curiosity.

The part where the main character stays with the horse— so much happens without even using words, or rather without directly using words at that time. I feel that your words before this, interwoven and layered just right, prepare us for this scene and bring us into sync with what is happening with this horse. I as a reader felt sadness and most of all hope. You did this very eloquently.

Whether it was the kiss, the prayer, or simply staying with Biggie so that he felt the need to do more than simply lie down and die; I the reader do not know. All of these things are stated but none are credited too directly with any outcome. You leave the reader to imaging as s/he will. You close the story well and you leave your reader with a pleasant feeling and gladness for having read this wonderful story.

Great job. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The first stanza hooks the reader with a blood chilling foreshadow.

In stanza #2- I, at first, thought I was reading from the surviving characters point of view. Then, I realized my error.

Verse 3 melts the two characters' stories together, leaving us to imagine- a little, but not too much.

In #4 the conflict first introduced in the first verse is made palpable. The plot of the poem develops further in that someone has died, and we know it beyond question. A shiver may be felt when reading this part. It is pivotal and well placed.

Next, we see into the soul of the survivor. We learn what kind of person she is. At this point, I like her. Before this verse, she was simply a haphazard pseudo-villain. Now though, she accepts the consequences of her actions. By this point, you have decisively shown us more than one facet of this character.

Once more, the poem leaps forward in time, leaving our imagination to fill in the space, but again not too much. By the end, the emotional consequences of the main character's actions are clear. I can feel it, and this says much about the flow, timing, and word selections you have made.

The last line strikes me because you use the adjective 'small' to describe the price of her guilt. It almost seems derisive, that word.

All in all, this poem grabs and holds the readers attention from beginning to end. The storyline is structured nicely, particularly the time jumps that I noted before. Oddly, the rhyme scheme of this poem escaped me as I was pulled into the story itself. I ended up going back and seeing that it was indeed there, subtle but solid.

If I were to criticize, perhaps it would be the punctuation in the last stanza. The semicolon might do better as a period and a comma might be placed before 'and she killed her.' Then again, that sentence seems to run-on a bit, regardless. Note that I say, 'If I were to criticize.' The poem is well written, and I am not entirely certain regarding these potential criticisms. So-- this critic is content to leave poetic license to do its thing. Great poem, thank you for sharing.
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Review of Horrid Loneliness  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
I've actually got something in my port that reminds me of this. A few things actually, so I can relate to the message. You like ellipses a lot. I like using them too. The ellipsis and the M-dash are great tools in poetry and other writing too.

The single, first and last lines give the poem a nice style. I liked that.

No one who cares if I do something funny...
...and no one who would care if I died.

This line really got to me. I felt the pain in the narrator's voice. Very descriptive line, the contrast between laughing and dying really got it done.

I would be remiss if I did not suggest that you check your spelling here and there, including the title. I tried to locate an alternate spelling for 'loneliness,' but I could not. I see no point in marking down for spelling once it has been pointed out. The author will either correct the typos or leave them intentionally for reasons that I must respect. Perhaps they are present for a reason.

This is a wonderfully written, dark piece that I enjoyed reading. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed your poem. I thought the design was pleasing, the ellipsis through out.

With my cold hands I am writing this text...
...cold hands soon to fall to the floor as a result of the draining of my soul.

This metaphor could be taken as a person writing a suicide note. I say 'could.'

This is a dark piece that imparts sadness and most certainly despair. What better place to express such emotion than in a poem, especially one so beautiful as this one.

I offer no criticism, as to do so would be to criticize the emotions flowing from the heart of the narrator, an impossible task. I do offer this:

...tearing my muscles even further apart.

I was stumped by this line. There was no indication prior to this, hinting to what it might mean. I'm sure it fit. I simply lacked the schema to see how... and that schema may be very personal the author. I respect that.

Nonetheless, a wonderful poem. Thank you for sharing.
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Review of Not Mine  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
First I read the poem. Then I thought immediately, and if I may be blunt, "This sounds like someone preparing for death." At first I thought "the taking of one's own life." After examining the poem, I determined that this need not be so specific. Taking in the description, I settled into the more general "Goodbye due to the exiting from life." This might even allow a narrator to say goodbye to a life without actually dying in the mind of an imaginative reader. E.g., the man I once was is very much dead, but 'I' am certainly not.

I found the meaning clear but open to interpretation at the same time. Poetry like this intrigues me and prompts me to take note of it, to find and read it again and again, that I may search for new layers, new meaning, and shrouded wisdom, yet to be discovered.

What I believe this poem begs if for the reader to open their heart to the intense meaning within the words, to 'feel' what the narrator is feeling and to understand where s/he is and may soon go. The author has seen to this, by way of eloquently written poetry.

I noticed, at once, the iteration of the last line in each stanza, not likely to be missed. Also, I noticed the more subtle iteration of the second to last lines in each stanza. As I scrolled back up to affirm my point, I found myself lost once again inside your beautiful poem. Surely this may be considered complimentary.

I liked the subject, the way it reads, and the picture it paints; but most of all I like they way it draws from me a bit of sympathy for the narrator. Real or not, I hope s/he fares well, wherever s/he is now.

Awesome poem. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
The story starts strong discussing High School. Everyone can relate to this topic. It causes a thought process to begin at once. The reader cannot help but immediately recall their High School experience upon starting to read about yours.

The second paragraph touches me personally. My situation was very different, but I understand how easy it is to follow someone that ought not to be followed.

Paragraph three pulled me in further by talking about changing to a new school. This is an experience that I cannot say I ever had, save moving from grade school to high school, but that cannot count. I was intrigued to read about what this was like and thought you conveyed the message well.

8th grade. (I skipped over seventh grade b/c that was my best grade in middle school). This grade was my second worst grade in middle school.
I struggled a bit trying to follow this. It might be just me, or it might be that it could use some clarifying.

You had very detailed descriptions of your teachers… impressively detailed.

You detail your years at the school carefully and wrap up your story citing the advantage of attending, particularly for autistic children. At the end you make your powerful point and offer the reader an opportunity to learn more.

I thought this was well written and enlightening. Kudos to you for having the courage to write about something so personal. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of No Time To Scream  
Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Written in the present tense, interesting and impressive.

I liked the part about his partner not being so lucky. Excellent imagery in my minds eye by way of indirect suggestion, before driving the point home with the graphic description.

Your description of the beast is abstract and intriguing.

I like the way we see inside, not the beasts mind so much, but inside its instincts and even his quirks, if you will. I feel that I know him reasonably well by story's end. The way the piece comes full circle, back to Corey and his grim fate, was well written. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by Fhionnuisce
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice hook, right away letting us know that we have a woman masquerading as a man. This is a time-tested plot that works very well. It introduces instant conflict for the main character.

The second paragraph expands the character’s conflict a bit and draws us in a bit more.

In the paragraph where Sam is picked up by her uncle, I was left wondering if he knew she was masquerading as a male. You had built up much conflict and much suspense by this point. So far so good…

The next paragraph answered my previous question, as the uncle helped perpetuate the lie of omission.

She wasn’t sure what she would do it she didn’t make it.
Did you miss a word here?

When Sam changed in the weight room, this carried on the suspense regarding how she might continue to conceal her gender. I thought this bit was well placed.

I liked the ‘hockey voice’ device you were using throughout the story. It lent real substance to the duality of Sam’s character.
We’re like brother and sister
The repeating iteration of this concept also helped with the dual facets of Sam’s identity. You did a good job of revisiting the notion throughout the story.

You might consider slowing down the part where Sam reveals her gender to Nicky. It seemed a bit nonchalant on both their parts. It wasn’t badly written. Just perhaps expand it a little. It is possibly the most important, pivotal moment in the story. Rather than conflict resolution, it felt more like a dismissal of the conflict, even though the problem of telling the others still loomed ahead.

The conflict between Sam and Jacab took a breather for a while then reappeared amid the other plot line of revealing her gender, excellent way to escalate things.

You paint good pictures with the gestures, expressions, and actions used by the characters. This compliments your dialog well. The ‘room temperature 7-up’ is a good example of this.

The big confrontation between Kindle and Sam, when he beat her up, really heightened my interest in what was going to happen next. It escalated the tension in the story and sank the hooks into the reader (me) much deeper. I really wanted to read on and find out what Kindle’s problem was.

Sam pointed towards Niklas. “Will you keep an eye on him? He’s trouble”.
This is a well-placed plot device that links the beginning and end of the story together. Again, you have successfully used a time-tested technique to enhance your story. The only way this might have been more effective is by using it as the last line in the story somehow.

The story wraps up with Sam feeling bad for the villain, showing her true colors as the heroine of the story. I was wondering when Kindle was going to be arrested for assault. He was getting away with an awful lot.

All in all, this was a good story. I really think that there is no way to pull off changing speakers in the same paragraph. Some of your other stories do not do this, and they look and read much better that way. There are a few typos and punctuation errors, as might be expected in a story so large.

I get what this story is about: diversity, respect, sexism, and acceptance. It reads like a melodramatic daydream a girl might have about being accepted on a professional hockey team. There are things in it that seem unlikely such as woman freely roaming men’s locker rooms and some exaggerated expressions of emotion from characters that one would assume are rather macho (NHL Players and all.) But, this is all ok with this reader/reviewer. This is a fanciful story, yes, but not unreasonably so. Thank you for sharing.
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