I feel like you need to build up the tension before you tell us he is dead, give us something to feel what the man is, some of his feelings/thoughts, I know you say he has no feelings so maybe have his last thought drifting off and then make it so that when the character realize he's dead, that is when the reader realizes too, make it unexpected.
Seems to me you've given us the bones of a great story, but you just need to make it a bit longer to achieve it's full potential.
Also, I would suggest to take;
Like being in a very dark storyline and suddenly being knocked off the script.
Out and replace it with something else.
These are just my opinions which I give to you with the best of intentions.
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