| I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for with the May prompt being: Westers
Please note: I tend to look for fresh descriptions that fit well within the genre, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.
Thanks for entering!
I did like the fact that the main character was a writer. That being said, it was important that the reader feel a connection to the lead characters beyond that so that there is an emotional connection that makes the reader truly care what happens to the characters. The writer needs to do this so that the reader will become invested in the outcome of the story.
What I particularly liked.
The first two paragraphs were quite well written and gave the reader a clear picture. This level of writing throughout would have added much to the story.
What I think could use some work or revision.
Accuracy is important. I would suggest doing a bit more research in this case as the FBI began as the Bureau of Investigations (BOI) and did not become the FBI until 1935.
Just a thought: a governess would typically live with its charge, in the same house; not in a rooming or boarding house.
Also, it is often valuable to have a 2nd set of eyes peruse a piece when submitting it to a site contest, or, really, any place one submits to. Typos can be a real turn off in the real world (for publishing, etc.) For example, "You lying, thieving, shyster!" <---no comma after thieving. (The lying and thieving are describing shyster.) Another example would be the sentence:Roy put his arms and leg through the window the rest of his body still on the wide ledge outside.<either missing words and/or punctuation here or perhaps a rewording of the entire sentence.
Another example which offers a typo-type mistake that it is most important to avoid is: Here's everything I found and its a good case against them.<---it's (It is) --not possessive.
There was so much potential here. An idea to keep in mind would be to use a flashback or something to keep the story with action rather than the majority of the read being in her mind. Dialog is excellent to move a story along, and often times better that having the majority of a story being a character rehashing the 'what happened.'