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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fyndorian
Review Requests: ON
1,153 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
Review of Cloudstepper  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter
2
2
Review of my brother  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter!
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3
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked this, only wished you'd included snippets of 'their tales' or something. But I get it, and oft hear those voices mtself!
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4
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
Powerful!!
Welcome to wdc!

Had both spider and fly moments myself! Loved the lazor focus on specific details in this...adds so much to it. Last line was great, especially coming on the heels of the killer previous line!! Well done!

Using this piece as an editor's pick in this week's For Authors Newsletter!

~fyn
5
5
Review of Claire de Lune  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi and welcome to wdc! I'm using this piece as a featured pick in my For Authors newsletter this week!

Loved the line -- A vessel for unrealized dreams

Also the play on words, the use of 'port' - brilliant! ~fyn
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Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Loved this and it made me laugh! I remember reaching essays as a grad student. Something I taught them was that finding was to make even the most boring subject interesting would go a long way with a teacher who is reading his 250th essay of the night--make him or her smile and I could pretty much guarantee a better grade!

Using this in this week's For Author's newsletter!
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7
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using this in this week's For Authors newsletter
8
8
Review of FIRE! FIRE!  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
*giggling!* Love it --A LOT to work in and using all those clues! Feeling as if I should know the tune...not sure tho. Still, the one I came up with worked! :) I seriously doubt I could write a styory in 18 sentences! I have a hard time keeping one down to 2000 words! Kudo, my friend, KUDOS!!!
9
9
Review of Chardonnay Summer  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
using this in this week's Poetry newsletter
10
10
Review of THE BROKEN DREAMS  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
Using this in this week's poetry newsletter :)
11
11
Review of Gone  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Using this in this week's Poetry newsletter
12
12
Review of Author bio  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (4.5)
re:After self-publishing her first book, This New Life in 2012 and Miscellanea in 2015

I would suggest something along the lines of:

Her first book, 'book a' was published in x followed by Miscel... in y. ~F
13
13
Review of social illusions  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (4.5)
How very, very true! Twitter-lying<--- Good phrase.

Welcome to writing.com!!!
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14
for entry "🥇 Drawn Inward
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Found this while crediting reviews ... this rocks!!! Truly a stellar job!!!
15
15
Review of Torn Loves  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Liked this...curious what work you do that has you researching pirates! ??? A couple of things. Vain, not vein. Did you mean 'wander' eternity?

silhouette bends broken <--Excellent image!
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Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: E | (5.0)
Whew! Have SO seen this, walked this hallway. Grizzled comrads... good image. As is brothers born ...

Of poems posted today ...we all seem in an odd place. The weather, maybe? Just kind of odd and off-settling.
17
17
Review of Found out  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the May prompt being: Westers

Please note: I tend to look for fresh descriptions that fit well within the genre, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

I did like the fact that the main character was a writer. That being said, it was important that the reader feel a connection to the lead characters beyond that so that there is an emotional connection that makes the reader truly care what happens to the characters. The writer needs to do this so that the reader will become invested in the outcome of the story.


*Vine2* What I particularly liked.

The first two paragraphs were quite well written and gave the reader a clear picture. This level of writing throughout would have added much to the story.


*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.
Accuracy is important. I would suggest doing a bit more research in this case as the FBI began as the Bureau of Investigations (BOI) and did not become the FBI until 1935.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Federal_Bureau_of_In...

Just a thought: a governess would typically live with its charge, in the same house; not in a rooming or boarding house.

Also, it is often valuable to have a 2nd set of eyes peruse a piece when submitting it to a site contest, or, really, any place one submits to. Typos can be a real turn off in the real world (for publishing, etc.) For example, "You lying, thieving, shyster!" <---no comma after thieving. (The lying and thieving are describing shyster.) Another example would be the sentence:Roy put his arms and leg through the window the rest of his body still on the wide ledge outside.<either missing words and/or punctuation here or perhaps a rewording of the entire sentence.

Another example which offers a typo-type mistake that it is most important to avoid is: Here's everything I found and its a good case against them.<---it's (It is) --not possessive.



*Vine2* Final Thoughts.
There was so much potential here. An idea to keep in mind would be to use a flashback or something to keep the story with action rather than the majority of the read being in her mind. Dialog is excellent to move a story along, and often times better that having the majority of a story being a character rehashing the 'what happened.'

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18
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

I liked this story and how it wound around to where I thought it (happily) might go.




*Vine2* What I particularly liked. Flat out loved this line: The prairie wind seemed to blow for untold years-- as well as the part about working on the kid's aim :)

*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.

Back in the day 'epitaphs' were short 'n sweet, so I thought what was written on the gravestone a bit much.


*Vine2* Final Thoughts.

Thought this was well written, liked the dialogue.
19
19
Review of Salvation  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

Just a little thing, but when one is reading online, a space between paragraphs is helpful as well as using consistent spacing. (doubling space when a scene changes, etc. Just easier on the eyes and anything that gives forth a favorable impression helps.


*Vine2* What I particularly liked. Interesting take on a 'Hunger games-y' slant, or that of the famous short story, "The Lottery."

*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.

I wasn't nearly as convinced as I wanted to be. Some of the 'rules' seemed to be ones no townspeople would ever agree with, under any circumstances. I think playing around with the dialog could be helpful as well as it didn't feel consistent veering from arrogant to uncaring. I didn't 'feel' their thoughts and the emotional connection I wanted to feel.

*Vine2* Final Thoughts.

There is potential here, but I don't think it is 'there' quite yet.
20
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Review of The Marshal  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

Liked the spacing and bolded type as old eyes really appreciated it!


*Vine2* What I particularly liked and *Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.

I lumped these two together because there were so many excellent descriptions that then were disjointed from the surrounding story. Example ... woman rarely wore pants. Another - they did not buy milk, they went out to the barn and milked the cow. Also, there were typos and in a site contest, one needs to be very sure there aren't any!

*Vine2* Final Thoughts.

I think, with some revision and playing with that this story has a lot of potential! :)
21
21
Review of At Dusk  
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

A suggestion when writing is to always read what you've written out loud. This can help you avoid odd sentences. It doesn't set a good precedent when the very first line has a major flaw in it. RE:Sally latched onto the knotted, wooden pole supporting the general store's awning she and her husband, Marcus, owned. I know what you mean to say, but what you actually say is that they own the awning.


*Vine2* What I particularly liked.

You have some excellent (!) descriptions here.
*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.

In a site contest or anywhere you are submitting a piece of writing, one needs to be sure it is error and grammatically correct. IE: He'd rode <--he'd ridden. There are many missing commas and punctuation issues. The Pony Express carried letters, Wells Fargo carried packages.


*Vine2* Final Thoughts.
There is potential here. Not just this story but the writer as well! You just need to take those extra steps to refine and revise your work!
22
22
Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

Right of the bat the title threw me. Couldn't be mesquite. Was it supposed to be mosquito? The wondering over the 'typo' lingered and was side-tracking. Later, didn't seem to have much to do with the story and there seemed to be no 'why' as to it being in the title to begin with.


*Vine2* What I particularly liked.

GREAT line!That man's got more balls than the nut bucket at castration time."

*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.
Garvin had extra reason despise<--missing word

*Vine2* Final Thoughts.

Confused as to where the Mickey came into things.
There was word room to clear up some of the fuzzier parts. After all is said and done, and word counts no longer matter, I'd play with this as it has a bunch of potential!
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Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

Good story. Read well, believable. I saw no glaring errors.


*Vine2* What I particularly liked.

the lines:...they hung from the branch of a stunted pine at the head of a rock-strewn canyon, their feet only inches from the ground. Ella's feet were bare, her moccasins lay on the ground nearby, a testament to her death struggle. Their arms touched as they gently swayed in the breeze, together in death as they were in life... because they painted an indelible picture. One could almost hear the sound of the rope twisting in the breeze... well done!

*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.

Got to love the constraints of a short story. Found myself wanting to know more - why the man 'weakened' - totally get her cursing! LOL

*Vine2* Final Thoughts.

Ony question that lingers. The guy opts to head out and not raise any ruckus (further) by talking to the sheriff. BUT what difference would it have made IF the reported wrote his story, they would (the bad guys) still come after him for giving the story TO the reporter, unless they killed him too...
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Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I am reviewing your story as I was a judge for
Journey Through Genres: Official Contest  [E]
Write a short story in the given genre to win big prizes!
by Writing.Com Support
with the prompt being: Western.

Note: I look for fresh ideas, using unique descriptions, new ways of observing.

Thanks for entering!

*Vine2* Initial Impressions

The repeated 'Jenny and Patrick', 'Patrick and Jenny' got almost annoying after the 3rd time. There are numerous ways they could have been referred to. Two kids running around robbing all the general stores...how many would there have been in an area? Towns were widespread and horseback will only get you what? Ten, fifteen miles a day, let alone getting somewhere to put all the guns and ammo afterwards.

For a short story there were way too many characters to keep straight and still have them make an impression.


*Vine2* What I think could use some work or revision.

There are several areas that cry out for attention. Aside from the way overdone repetitions of the names, they kept going from store to store collecting 'all the guns and ammo.' Then they ride off into the sunset with same. 2 kids. Carrying HOW much on horseback as they head for the hills? Not practical, nor really, doable in a mass hurry.

Kids killing cattle and horses and robbing stores and NO ONE catches them, goes after them?

*Vine2* Final Thoughts.

There is, I think, some potential here, but this piece needs a lot of work to be what it 'could' be. Simply and revamp so the reader can care about P&J. More about the why behind their actions and then make the actions be logical and doable. Felt alllmost like kids playing a cops and robbers game.
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Review by Fyntastic!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Stumbled upon this in the 'read and review' and thought I'd offer my 2 cents worth. :) I like the poem, I liked the ways you expressed the emotion and 'clenched fingers' frustrations. A hard way to be, unable to let go. I remember my dad telling me once that if something wouldn't matter ten years down the road, it shouldn't matter so much in the here and now. Valuable advice.

One suggestion. Here -- its' roots feed the devil, well. and here: And as it fills its' evil need,<-----should be its.

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