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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fyndorian
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1,201 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Remote. Control.  
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Fyn and this is my review for your latest Rising Star assignment.

Overall, I love the content and how you tangled it up and then had him convinced and then abruptly, after winning, capitulates. *wanders off for a few minutes to check out her living room for hidden 'remote' cameras.* I know you've snuck them in there and just changed the names to protect the guilty parties!!

So. On the persuasive level, CHECK!

Now. Unfortunately, writing is about more than nailing a concept. Silly little mistakes, typos, and losses of opportunity can really take a great piece of writing down a notch.

Examples/

"Meanin’ you’ve had two weeks to get caught up?” <---This isn't a question. It is a sarcastic response needing an exclamation point.

“Okay, but you’re not gettin’ the remote,” Sheila said. <--- ...you're still not ... (emphasis)

“You’ll ‘let me have it back’? , <----let (let)

“Ok, that right there,” <---- "Okay. THAT! Right there,"

What, exactly is your criteria for allowing me the privilege of using the remote and certain words? <---End quote.


You might think I'm being extremely picky. In truth, I am not. In writing, plot is wonderful, but typos and sloppy revision/editing will 90% of the time turn an Editor (note capped E) off. As in, they stop reading and file a manuscript in the closest circular file. You are far too good a writer to shoot yourself in your keyboard for that!

Hence a 1475+ word review on a 661-word piece!

~fyn


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Review of Rising Rhymer  
for entry "Poetry Assignment
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ok, seriously NOT a fan of forms or short poetry. And yet. And yet ... here you go convincing me elsewise. Is there ANYthing you can't do with a bit of a shove, boot kick or just desire?
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi. I'm Fyn. I am always happy when folks are trying for Rising Stars!

To be completely honest, I am not sure that this was a convincing, persuasive argument. First off, there were three questions asked versus convincing 'Malcolm' of one answer. And, you never 'really' answered the initial question of WHY the world (questioning the word choice here, given your answer) is brighter on the other side. Your initial question was the point that should have been being defended. Not his subsequent questions.

The use of the word 'world' is an issue for anyone who has event the dimmest concept of heaven - which is where the essay is leaving. If it had been a world with two sides or perhaps a world pre and post dissent etc, then 'world' would have been appropriate.

While you have good answers (in a sense) to subsequent questions you posed, this then is problematic because you are basing the responses on one book. Not trying to take anything away from your beliefs, here. But in a persuasive essay, you need to back the supposition with a preponderance of the evidence. Using the Bible - which for you is key, you must remember that it might not be in all cases, not as a book of facts which are provable.

Tackling a subject such as religion in a persuasive essay is extremely difficult. At the end of it, you need to have convinced someone entirely. Given your initial question, my responses, had I been Malcolm, would have been:

1. What 'world?' Another planet?
2. How is it brighter? Why?
3. Brighter still includes dark vs saying 'There is an absence of dark on the other side.' <--- as an example.


Malcolm wasn't used as an adversary rather as a conduit to help the first speaker. He went along with everything said rather than questioning.

There were a few typos scattered, such as, Bible speaks about what will happen? That is a declarative statement; not a question.

The statement: The Bible is The Word of God. It tells about the time when Jesus walked on this earth. He died, rose again,
and will walk among us again when he returns to earth.
is not totally even a correct statement. The New Testament is, but the Old Testament is not about 'when Jesus walked on this earth.'

A persuasive argument must provide answers in such a way that readers cannot question the answers given.

I really hope that this helps you understand more about writing persuasive arguments/dialog. If so, then the entire experience has proven to be a learning experience and that is a good thing! :)
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Review of Afternoon Tea  
Review by Fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Interesting. Guess that's what we get for ignoring a text or phone call!

Happy to see something in your port! Good descriptions in this concise piece and them communicate well the feelings involved. Fruit flies, eh? That is so sad in a weird way. Well done!
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow! Whew. So many do this. Perhaps most of us in one way oranother. As 'you' - your writing grabs hold!!!!!!! Welcome to wdc!
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
YES. Wow. I TOLD you there was a poet lurking!!!
Now he's come out to play with us mere mortals.

Extremely well crafted. Brilliant!
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Review of Reincarnation  
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
The joys of revision, of strengthening a piece. NOW you've nailed it!
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Review of Reincarnation  
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I know you are new at poetry - not slamming, but offering some suggestions that will add that powerful punch this poem deserves...thoughts to play with ... find another word for 'bouncing' - it's too light of a word - too playful - a kid's bouncing ball inflatable game at the fair. Reverberating or well, you get the idea. What colors ...? Colors of life? Colors of rebirth? Something stronger than simply colors. Last 2 suggestions - hard to bend AND pull. Twisting? Also what is being pulled? The rope holding the curtain closed? The loose thread in the tapestry? The hangman's noose?

This is WELL on its way!! Keep going!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was so funny! Absolutely fulfilled the prompt! Sat her giggling my head off as the way in which you wrote this made it so easy to picture the antics of this hopeless character who, while he had the best of intentions, kept tripping over himself. Loved the little roombot character! I could almost 'see' the face on it as it squished its way around making far more of a mess than it was cleaning up. Good job, well crafted!
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Review of Out Like a Lamb  
Review by Fyn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Easily for effort and stick-to-it-tiveness. But more ...read a few...need to read more. LOVED the raindrops!
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Review of Whispers  
Review by Fyn
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Yes. My grandmother always said, "We have two ears and one mouth for a reason! Listen twice as much as you run your mouth!" She was 100% right! Love this poem! Just wrote myself a note to use in next week's Poetry Newsletter!

Well crafted! WTG - on both the poetry and the sentiment! ~fyn
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this piece - here are just some of the reasons why.

When he felt more confusion than clarity, when the magic seemed to dissipate, he could come to the woods and revitalize his spirituality. There once had been a spark to his life, a dancing flame, a decree of greater things ahead. But somewhere the zest had been drained until there was nothing left in the cup of inspiration from which he slurped.
<<<--------------This was a great couple of sentences! Why? Because you bring us inside your character and make him accessible. I also love your choice of the word 'slurped' rather than the more typical word 'sipped.' Good call!


Another example of fine writing. " He hitched his breath in, his shoulders heaving up and down as he stood, pathetic and helpless. His hair was blowing as if it was prairie grass billowing in the arriving gale." <<<------ The standing pathetic and helpless --another excellent visual! The wind/prairie grass/hair comparison was super!

Another reason I enjoyed this piece was the flashes of humor. For example, when Boh 'buries the lead.' That was funny!

The whole paragraph with the pra(e)ying mantis. Which? Either. Funny. One of the essentials with fantasy is getting your reader to accept the world/realm of the story: its parameters, its physics, its people and critters. More so when the fantasy is plopped down into the 'real world.' This is something you seem to excel at. There is no doubt in the reader's mind, no questioning of what is happening. We believe it. More, you've dragged us in. We are right there. And we accept we are no longer sitting at our desk or sprawled on the couch.

Tortella. Really, really, reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllllllllyyyyyyyy liked this character. And, humor again, the bit about and what Tortella said about Boh's lips was giggle inducing and felt spot on. Good job!!

Overall, this was a great piece and IMHO fulfilled the prompt admirably. The forced words were all used well and never felt forced! WTG.

Awesome job overall!
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for entry "The Bookstore
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
places a bookmark in her world. <<<------flat out fantastic line!

Kind of a sad poem, but realistic, I suppose! But that last line... takes the poem from one level and catapults it up to the heavens! Way to go!!!

Overall, you captured the bored shopkeeper perfectly.
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh my goodness! This was hysterical!

Before I forget - teensy typo in this line, I shall call you “Poofy Pants Long Nose” if keep on.
Minute so no star deduction from me but as this is for a contest, hopefully, you'll have time to fix it.

So many cute parts, Verrry um catty at times.

Loved it!
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
High Men - Well, you are no longer a poetry virgin!

Poetry does not HAVE to rhyme, even if that IS your name! I liked the next to last verse - in many ways, indeed it may well do just that! Any writing we do, in some way or another, goes to further our learning!

Kudos for giving the unknown a game first effort! ~fyn
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Review of WINTER WAKES  
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Good job! Love pantoums! Using this in this week's Poetry newsletter. ~fyn

ps - Should Autumns door be Autumn's door? Just checking. :)
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Review of Skirts of Rain  
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great job. These are difficult to write, let along write well! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter. ~fyn
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Review of Room at the End  
Review by Fyn
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Great job. Sestinas are difficult! I'm using this in this week's Poetry newsletter! ~fyn
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Review by Fyn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
The air will be hot by afternoon, the last grazing of summer’s weakening fingers of direct heat as the season abdicates to autumn.
<<<------Great line!

For those who choose to see him, his rags and overly large hand-me-downs are the insignia of an inferior status, not the struggles he has overcome in his life.
<<<------Another great line!

Those around him who always look through him, beyond him, have already assigned him the place lowest in their neon-lit caste system.
<<<------Aand another!

Seems to be a pattern forming!!!

OOOps! "She lights another cigarette." - earlier you wrote, "the last of her last ..."

It feels as if his body is trying to vomit an old Brillo pad.
<<<-----BRILLIANT image!

pondering the monument representing the sum of an existence erased.
<<<-----and another!

this was REALLY well crafted! The one little oops (easily fixed by 'her next to last cigarette') cannot detract from the sheer fext that this is so, so, SO well done! Bravo!
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Review by Fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Ah... I said not tonight, but then curiosity won the battle and I am so glad it did. What a great piece! 'Small graves for every skeleton you gave me.' and that metaphorical flicking away of a poisonous gnat! Yay! Good on you! Nice when one can return to a 'special' place and learn, then know, it hasn't been destroyed, that indeed it has now a better (if different) allure for having overcome we thought might not be um, overcomeable. (is that even a word? Should be, if not!)
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Review of Dear Me (2021)  
Review by Fyn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A totally different take on the typical goals and 'what I'm gonna do this year' that permeates many Dear Me entries. So well written. The author shines through and looks forward to using what he's gleaned from 2020 as he goes forth into the unknown of a changed world and an uncertain (for any of us) future. Well crafted. Absolute kudos! ~fyn
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Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is going to be SUCH a great blog to follow!!! Superior description of his muse and the rules his muse has set! Good job :)
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Review by Fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
whew!!! Using this in my poetry newsletter this week!!! ~fyn
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Review of The Gift  
Review by Fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I'm using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter! Merry Christmas :)

~~fyn
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Review of BETRAYED  
Review by Fyn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Whew! Using this in this week's Poetry Newsletter on emotional poetry. You'll see why, and the main reason I'm including this is that, while reading it, I could actually hear it! Kudos for both a difficult poem to write and an exceptionally well written one. ~fyn
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