Once upon a dream – I knew an angel well<---oh what a wonderful line!!! Granted it sent me off on my own little tangent, momentarily, but a really good line does that, defines, to me, what a marvelous word combination does...sends a writer spinning off.
So naive I must have missed
That implicit fine print
That angels and mortals can not coexist<------great line....assonance....alliteration. Excellent, well crafted and containing that ultimate truth!
I seriously think your 'refrain' is the best part of the poem. And, if it bears repeating, it should be!
That the ones you left to mourn
Rival a beach of sand
And where your feet once walked
Not even the ocean of time can wash away<---------another excellent phrasing...well done, visceral and visible!
Final rephrasing of the refrain ties it all together so well, the circle is complete.
Ideas for Revision:
3rd verse, even after rereading it numerous times times left me a bit confused. What I'm getting is that this love was neglected and taken for granted that it wilted, that it was not appreciated, yet this image or thought doesn't seem to fit the rest of the poem, unless, unless, that is the deeper layer and the anger was that it was realized too little, too late...???
That 'once upon a dream' line is still reverberating (and this is even after an enforced break mid review to take a pup outside, make a fresh pot of coffee so I could have another cup, being side-tracked by a visiting neighbor and being further side-tracked getting out the Halloween candy while there was someone tall enough to reach the bowl that I only use one day a year from the top of the cabinets!)
Interesting short story but it seems more of a part of one.....***(see below)
LOVED the 'lend a hand' line.
Excellent potential here but needs a few holes filled in....Good luck in your contest *smile*
Ideas for Revision:
As this is a contest entry...here are a few suggestions before the end of the month..... Hobson landed on his backon the floor of the pit. <----back on A skeleton laid a few feet away,<---lay Hobson hit it in the face with the torch on his right hand.<------in his hand..... One wonders why skeleton guy didn't use the whip wrapped round his satchel to defend himself...seems logical that he would have.....also....if the skeleton has been there long enough to be a skeleton, it is highly unlikely that the lighter (seems like a zippo sort by your description) would not have lit. Lighter fluid would have evaporated....maybe have a can of it in the pouch as well?
***Why is Hobson in the pit? What did he do (or not do) to have them put him there. What is in the skeleton's journal? What did they have in common that they are each in there?
Cracking rock? Perhaps he might dislodge a rock or something...but cracking it doesn't seem realistic either.....
For some reason the Christmas 'mood' struck early this morning while out with my dog...grass was coated in frost, the air was crisp...no...COLD and instantly I was thinking Christmas trees and winter plans...so this was a perfect find! A nice happy poem...I can see this il;illustrated in a children's book....
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I found this piece to be generally well written and intelligent.
What I particularly liked.
Best description of chicken...dung...ever!
The smell of chickens is one that is pungent and unmistakable but the odor has many layers. It is sweet and smells of damp straw but also has an overpowering tangy smell like that of fermented grain at times.
What I think could use some work or revision.
There were numerous little punctuational errors scattered throughout, little things, but can have an overall effect when one is reading and hoping not to find any errors.
Final Thoughts.
Interesting, left me wanting to know more about the writer behind the pen!
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
This was a well rounded piece written with depth and honesty. I truly feel as if I have caught a glimmer of who the author IS!
What I particularly liked.
The voice, the lessons, and the evolution of both throughout the piece. Everything was linked and tied up at the end.
What I think could use some work or revision.
Hmmm, difficult. Nothing, really...except (se below) Final Thoughts.
This piece, more than the vast majority of those within the contest had that extra uuumph that made me feel that I truly want to get to know the author much better. Don't mean that to sound weird or anything, because it is a compliment. It raised questions I'd love answered...It made me think beyond the piece. Well done!
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I can certainly understand why this memory could not have been pleasant to dig up again. An incredibly sad time that, most unfortunately, is also colored by unfeeling, selfish, and (to me) incomprehensible people.
What I particularly liked.
The voice and, I think, the restraint used within the piece. Too easy when emotions still lie close to the surface to let something fall into a (well deserved) rant. But here, the author used control exceptionally well.
What I think could use some work or revision.
This piece, outside of the contest has incredible potential to be a much longer piece as there is still much more story here to tell. Final Thoughts.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
From the beginning reference to 'The best of times; the worst of times,' to the final words, this piece grabbed hold and the insistently whining puppy at my feet simply had to wait until I was finished reading, because I wasn't stopping, no, I couldn't stop.
What I particularly liked.
Tone, voice, the simple honest tone that made no apology, didn't bemoan, just shared a story that may well help others to find the same path.
What I think could use some work or revision.
Didn't find any errors. But then, the words grabbed hold and they would have had to be blatant to stick out.
Final Thoughts.
An extremely difficult subject to write about. (I know from first hand experience.) But a new year, and a new beginning. Bravo for beginnings and courage!
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
11/11/20011 to turn eleven...yes, that will be an awesome birthday!
What I particularly liked.
The clueless dad, the not-so-great yellow paint and the tender tone throughout the entire piece.
What I think could use some work or revision.
there were some agreement issues; for example:mark several turning point to many different paths.
Final Thoughts.
This made me smile. Writing this at 9:30 in the evening, it is the 20th review I've done in the past five hours after an 11 hour day editing a horrendous manuscript for work. And this made me sit back with a goofy grin.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Ten Years Ago in 2000" . Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
Alaska! Spent some time there...Army time, no less! Alaska to Atlanta must have been quite a shock!
What I particularly liked.
It is fun to see what 'important' things are remembered and it certainly changes by age!
What I think could use some work or revision.
This piece would have benefited from some proofreading as well as spell checking. :) Spell checkers cannot pick up on wrong words that are spelled correctly...case in point:They called my names <---me
There were also punctuation errors and some sentences which would have been clearer had they been broken up into several sentences. Again, a proofing issue.
There were many instances of repeated words used near each other or redundant pairings of words ie; first ever...first is first, obviously.
Question: does a penis look different outside a bathroom stall? A sentence construction issue that can often be fixed by reading a piece out loud.
Something else. Sometimes, one needs to be very aware of what they are including in a short piece, and the reasons to include (or not) bits of information. Then, the reader needs to be aware of why things are included.
Final Thoughts.
With revision this piece has a lot of potential. Would love to read a revised version!
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
This didn't feel as much of a short story as a moment, an anecdotal incident.
What I particularly liked.
Great line---Our life is like this mist that is engulfing us. I can’t see what is out there. I can’t even see the paths, to know which one to take. All I do know is that with you, here with me, I feel that I can face anything.”
What I think could use some work or revision.
---AB for a name? Needs explanation or something for this to work.
---He sat there, still in the morning mist<---was he sitting quietly, or sitting out in the mist? Punctuation will clarify your meaning here.
---too many repetitions of the word 'path' which implies movement...yet he is sitting. Needs more to make this work. So much use of the word in so short a piece becomes overwhelming.
Final Thoughts.
Given her worries over hiss joblessness etc, his moment was reached too simply, without enough of anything to make it a conquering of fear...too easy, and if that easy, wasn't a real fear to begin with, more an apprehension or worrisome 'now what?' moment.
This piece would have benefited using the allotted 2000 words. It would have given you the words to truly delve into the hows and whys of his supposed fear and communicate this to the reader enough so that the reader cared and then could celebrate and appreciate the moment. But given he already knew what he 'realized' this didn't happen. There is potential here, just needs some additional work and revision.
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
Online reading is best encouraged by always having a blank line between paragraphs. This facilitates the reader and is easier for them to follow. This is a good practice to follow and will encourage more readers of your material.
What I particularly liked.
Excellent grammar and tense control!
What I think could use some work or revision.
---We were not lost, but we had no idea which direction to go to find the nearest town.<---then, in effect, they WERE lost.
---Dialog seemed stilted, not the way a couple would speak to each other...to formal perhaps....or condescending, I think. This doesn't engender empathy with these characters.
----But at least the little bit of water we could get from the river, muddy though it was, slaked our thirst, <---if they could get to the water to drink it, then the bridge could not have been very high....
----d made reservations for the week at the Chisos Mountain Lodge <<----initially he was talking about NOT having money...but on top of the 3 days drive there and back,(towing a trailer to boot) he has almost $1000 for a week at a lodge? Not ringing true.as well as---- I’ve slowly sent them money, paying additional nights each time. <----hotels do not work this way.
----no one goes out in the desert without more than adequate water. And if both weren't intelligent to verify beforehand than yes, it is something to get mad about as it is a life or death mater to stay hydrated there.
---there isn't enough, barely anything to prompt her final words about walking across the bridge for it to be believable.
--- Her plaintiff plea<----plaintive (One needs to proofread as well as spell check! Final Thoughts.
This piece has possibilities, but it does need a bit of revision! Should you do so, please let me know and I'll be more than happy to reread and re-rate!
Use the quote provided to write a story and win big prizes! by Writing.Com Support
. Thanks for entering!
Initial Impressions
I very much enjoyed this story and I was transported along with the character to the new home.
What I particularly liked.
I liked the bones of this short story. Given word constraints, you were limited, but this would be greatly enhanced by some revision.
What I think could use some work or revision.
What i mean by this is now you have the chance to re work this, adding descriptions to truly make the scenes come alive. Let the reader truly see, smell and hear what is going on around the main character. Let us be able to experience the B&B. But more, let us really see her new house and want it as much as she does.
Final Thoughts.
Without word limits, and with some descriptional revision, this story could grow from being very good, to awesome!
I really liked this piece. My only suggestion is that the first two sentences are kind of repetitive and that, as is, the character has gotten out of bed twice. But other than that, this short story is excellent.
I'm using it in this week's For Authors newsletter.
Initial Impressions
Excellent poetry...deep, multi-leveled, full of fresh word usage and in fresh combinations.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
Beyond volition she begs a reprieve - requiem refused<<<----awesome!!! line. I also appreciated the use of Greek gods being worked in and used to give this poem an added edge, an extra depth. Improvement Oriented Comments
Still not totally sure about the cascade/creshendo, but upon reflection, I do 'see' the waves and so yes....I guess I do 'get' it. Just took a few more moments and that is why this poem is so good! Got to love something that makes you sit back and ruminate on it a bit. Got me! Well done :)
Final Thoughts
Well crafted poetry this. Nothing like finding someone who not only knows how to write, but who chooses words with such care and forethought. Expect many have written about the oil spill, do not expect any with write with quite this much panache!! Bravo!
I really enjoyed reading this fantastical poem! A bit of a tongue-twister, at times, to read aloud, but the imagery was vital and the story engrossing! I particularly liked the following verse...
{quote:
Memories of mushroom, bat and other nightly fare.
Of dew, virtues of starlight and lunar attributes.
Of close of day, the time to say a sweet nocturnal prayer.
Lest the sun should settle and commit himself to roots.
I had included this in my newsletter on the recommendation of A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo. I didn't have time to review it before including it in my newsletter,(although I did read it) but was thinking it was a good piece to include so you could get extra feedback back on it. The bones are excellent...now we need meat and muscle!
While the characters are a bit hard to keep straight at this point, and aside from the fact that I feel I've stepped into the middle of a story, it kept my interest and I would have happily read more.
The red part completely threw me as it came out of left field, and the name Karl Marx too knocked me out of the 'read mode' and tossed me into 'huh??? mode.
A couple of suggestions. Give each character more description than you have at present. The reader needs to be able to picture the chacters and at the moment they are disembodied voices floating around except for David who is in rehab or something. But there's no background to ground the characters--for example...what was the relationship between connie and david and why didn't it work, etc. (was it ended before or after he was hurt....and how was he hurt?)
Are the interaction between the emt team based just on losing their team? And where was the chopper headed. What happened to who they were supposed to be picking up? And why did it crash? (you gave us no weather issues or anything) What is the time frame as in how long had Connie/David broken up or had they ever actually gotten started. What's the back story between Mel and Jeremie?
More about each character would help the reader keep the 8 or 10 characters clear and separate.
I'm reviewing this as one of the Facebook entries.
Had this been eligible for this past month's entries in Quotation Inspirations, I (as a judge for May's entries)would have been upset to get to the 4th paragraph from the end and see," It was because my father and had saved their lives out here, " because I firmly feel there should be no typos in submissions to that contest. So, I'm glad it didn't qualify because this is very, very good. The only thing, typo aside, that could have made it better, and is a suggestion, none the less, would be for you to include an actual quote from said book.
I loved the smirk comments (and your repetition of same.) I loved the depth of the character and the growth that was shown in him. This was incredibly engaging.
Bravo.
What else this piece did is make me curious about other things you've written, thus I will be checking out your port as well, tomorrow.
Saw this on WDC's Facebook post. I liked this...I wanted to read more. Much more. I found the concept to be intriguing. I did question the bear skins. Having only been there a matter of weeks, would a bear skin be 'blanket' ready? Wouldn't it have to have been stretched, dried, softened, etc? Just a thought!
Did appreciate the tracking info being right on. As well as the thoughts about interaction, etc. Did want to know how/why they got there. Did want to know 'what happens next..' Why couldn't they return whence they had come? Is this part of a longer piece? If so, please let me know as I will happily read more!
*Also wonders if you ARE from Michigan? (Just because I am too!)
Excellent. Not only did you let the reader know what book, but why and then showed the reader how it had a continuing influence on you and how you viewed your life experiences. The entire non-fiction piece was worded as that of a story verses an essay which allowed the reader insight and allowed them the benefit of the writings along with seeing how they affected, inspired and propelled the author.
Well done.
This well crafted piece let the reader know more about the writer, let them share glimpses of pain, joy and understanding that make the author who he is. I was able to react emotionally to this piece. Tears welled, smiles grinned. I was aboard the bus, feeling it sway and curve, start and stop. I felt the shocks needing some work (got a bit bumpy there for a bit) and heard air brakes screech.
My thinking on this entry is that you got side-tracked halfway through it. Starting off with the newspaper headline was brilliant and I wish that you had applied this concept to other stories within the Bible and also included why they had an impact on you. The Bible is clearly one of the most published books in the world and as had an impact on millions of people, but why on you? how, specifically, has it affected you?
Then you spend the rest of this piece giving a history lesson on the life and times of King James.
You might be interested in this website:http://www.greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/ as it contains a most illuminating time line and sources for same.
At the time of King James, much of the common man population still couldn't read, or read well, beyond that which might have been required for household management and/or crop management. In fact it was only recently (at the time)that the common public even had access to a bible should they, per chance, have been able to afford one.
Good luck in the contest and may you keep alive this particular voice. :)
This clearly was a voice you heard from someone's writing. The memoirs must have been fascinating to read.
Yet, perhaps you could have put more of the nuances that made him 'him' into this rather than focusing on events. Did you call him 'Mr. C'? We have an idea of events that transpired during his life, yet no 'picture' of this man which would bring your reader more into 'his'tory, if you catch my drift. Older readers also remember many of these events or know of them from parents and grandparents. They want to know why these particular events were important to him and how they affected him. In places this was included...his lost child, his brother dying...but this then made its lack in other places so much more noticeable. I want to feel as if I knew him too....
Proofreading verses spell checking is also a necessity. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, not 1964. One (for example) typo is in the sentence: "There have actually been so many thousands of incidents that have taken place during my life that I could not possible write then all in this story."
Good luck in the contest and may you always hear this voice.
This is an very good short story that places the reader easily in a far off place dealing with a specific problem that yet translates to feelings most all readers would have experienced in some form or another. Well crafted!
My only suggestion here is the use of the word 'powered' matched with 'leisurely' as the two present opposing connotations that, for me, was something of a stopper. I think there might be a better word choice to be used here to describe this.
On an another level, I found myself wanting more of the fisherman and less of the over riding problem. I needed more to become deeper invested in the fate of the man. There was much opportunity to show the reader more of the pride he took in his work, more chances for description to allow the reader to truly 'see' his boat, his actions. To immerse the reader into his livelihood for more than a brief moment would give this story far more depth an raise it to being excellent!
Found this in the Mystery newsletter this week and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I would suggest, however, a few things that would make this ever so much better, and, easier to read!
Single space the paragraphs leaving the double space between them. This makes it far easier to read online.
A read through will, especially if read aloud, show you where a few of the sentences are run on or just overly long. Several have phrases stuck at the ends (as an after thought almost) but they slow the reader down and are a tad confusing. Breaking some of these down into multiple sentences will help this issue.
You did a good job in telling this story, but I think a bit more showing would enhance this incredibly. There are so many opportunities for description here that get lost. Let the reader truly feel the fabrics and smell the mustiness. You did an excellent job of this with the keys...but it was too fast. Perhaps having them in her pockets for a few days would allow that know by feel feeling, but not after just a few moments.
Details is what this needs...not just a road map of the house but where the sunlight flows in and where the breezes blow. What was it in the kitchen that I don't think was explained?
Let me feel and sneeze with the dust!
Having been through something like this myself I can picture it but I think the reader needs more. Surely the cobwebs weren't just at the entrance. Didn't anything skitter as they wandered down those narrow corridors?
When finding and standing in those rooms used so long ago to send folks to their freedom...what were the characters feeling? How were her feelings different from his? Why NOT let the kids see these things in their own spaces? Think of the history lesson!!! (The doors could be relocked, after all for safety sake.
The bones here are so excellent!! It 'feels' real. Enough to ask, Is it? More depth of detail will make this first rate!!!!!! Even with the edits needed, I'm giving this 4.5 stars because the story IS excellent...it just would benefit with some additional work!
Also, I think you might enjoy 'my' version of a similar discovery, and I'd be curious as to what you think of it.
Trunk (E) True title is My Grandmother's Grandfather's Trunk #947871 by fyn
fyn
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/fyndorian/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.79 seconds at 11:06pm on Apr 30, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Initial Impressions
Initial Impressions 
What I liked best...lines or word combinations 
Improvement Oriented Comments 
