An interesting take on a subject that has been written about numerous times. This rendition still manages to be fresh and take on a different aspect, featuring the iceberg primarily.
Good images--and example :glacier gave birth to its clean, white child
I liked the use of 'growlers'..I learned something new today! *smile*
Cleave poems are so very difficult to write! I know because i spent endless hours this week trying myself! I give high marks for effort here!
A thought. Use WritingML to BOLD the first half to make it easier for the readers to tell the different sides of the poem. Also, perhaps you can put something at the end defining a Cleave poem for those who don't know what one is and how it should be read. *smile*
What fun! This poetic take on one of Hercules' tasks tells well the tale with humor. A poetic 'Cliff Notes' version--Where were you when I was reading the Iliad and the Odyssey?
I can see this being read aloud to a group of children well versed in gaming and being totally entranced!
This was a most intriging poem. The last four lines of this poem were absolutely awesome! I liked the gist of this poem regarding where one might find inspiration and the varied ways one avoids or is sidetracked from it!
Oh, I really liked this short story about death and life and sleeping and dreams! Characters were real and believable. I particularly liked the character, Mike. His wordings and thought processes were captured very well.
Funny how many people do see October as a death. I, personally, never ever even thought of it that way...to me October is fall and hunting season and the beginning of my favorite times of the year, but i have friends who see October as the start of a very down time of year.
Oh dear! I laughed all the way through this piece...you nailed it! I remember screaming, 'You did this to me!' Envisioning the Exorcist head spin had me laughing so hard I had tears streaming! Perfect rendition...from the wife in labor to the husband doing his level best and (from her viewpoint) failing miserably! The bumps...oh my yes! Excellent short story, hilarious read!!!
Hi and welcome to WDC! A cleave poem! I applaud your efforts! Cleave poems are incredibly difficult to do. This one works, sort of. On the right hand poem, the two lines referring to the heart being an open window next to wondering who has hurt someone don't make sense to me. An open window would apprear to be someone who is open and allowing a flow back and forth vs someone who has been hurt--thus closed...?
Hi and welcome to WDC! For me this was a good news/bad news poem. I say that because parts were excellent and other parts (IMHO) still could use some work to bring them up to the level of the better parts.
The really good parts were the last stanza (really nice!) and the line about the moonlight dancing. These were good because you showed the reader what was going on.
In poetry, it is always better to show verses tell. The beginning stanzas would be much better if you were to show the hooting and twitting, rather than telling us in a list.
The other suggestion would be to pick a different title and one not already loaded with preconceived notions as it is associated with the song of the same name.
The concept of this is good, now you just need to play with the bones of this poem, giving them muscle!
Hi and welcome to WDC! This was the sort of poem that expresses a truth about love and how good it makes the writer feel to have found a special love. The phrase about drying up the tears of a heart's open sky is fresh and a most evocative image.
I also particularly liked the phrase about spending evey breath.. I know the feeling!
Good job!
Hi and a hearty welcome to WDC! This is a poem that uses opposites to work together in unique ways...--ripping away boundaries juxtaposed to stone (walls). A chilling poem, a sad one...emotion blasts the reader from start to finish. An excellent poem!
Hi and welcome to WDC! I really enjoyed this poem. It speaks important truths in a fresh way and from a good perspective. I particularly enjoyed the sounds and words of the fourth stanza, because although the poem is about our differences and why they are good, this stanza values our similarities. Good job!
This, this is an absolutely fantastic, awesome poem! Exceedingly well crafted, this poem reminds me of the sort I'd find in the Best Poetry of America type books that I read as a child, and which, fostered my love of poetry. This is an example of truly fine writing.
I love pantoums! Difficult to write well, this is certainly an example of one! One of the oft forgotten levels of love is that while the love may pass, that we have good memories that we are the richer for having experienced!
I'm using this in this week's For Author's Newsletter.
Shivers, goosebumps, and tears. Good writing should touch something deep within the reader, and this well crafted piece of writing certainly does. A story of love realized and, finally, understood.
I'm using this in this week's For Author's Newsletter.
This...this was excellent! Tight little mystery, brought alive with descriptions and rich in detail. This writer has a flair for writing the mystical and the magical, layers of depth, knowing when and just how much to divulge. And somehow, the next time a piece of jewlry catches her eye, I think she will, indeed, be complelled to get it!
The flavor of adventuresome children exploring a 'haunted house' is well played out in this piece. Not really a short story, but more the beginnings of something that screams to be longer, the use of description and detail make this vivid and tangible.
It just doesn't feel finished; there is more here to tell. Do they do back? Ahhh but they must. Do they figure out the whys and hows of what really happened? What was the crashing noise and who (or which child) made it and why? Even if the house 'really was haunted' having gone that far, I should think the girls would venture forth another time; their curiosity would get the best of them. The possibilities are endless and there is much more of this story yet to be explored!
I'd suggest you play with writing some longer stuff, you clearly have the ability!
This is one of those stories that curls around you, pulling you in. The use of superior description and details make this story jump off the page and such that you feel as if you were there and just watching events unfold from a short distance away.
There are elements in this piece that scream for the next chapters: the picture and the lady within, who is she, really, and where has the ring been before. Where and to whom else have the ladies in the store appeared, and what was the special item meant for them?
Well written article and aptly expressed. This should be recommended reading for anyone who gets depressed after receiving a glowing review only to see a less than stellar number of stars. And, silly, me, I'd never noticed the color that the stars are!
The final paragraph is stark, unwavering truth. And given the quality of this particular author's writing, I am so pleased that not only does she understand it, but that she has taken the time to write it down. Well done!
Ok, after reading this description of the aftermath of a car accident, my body physically hurts. I am cold and almost shaking. I'm sure my blood pressure has shot up several notches. My fingers are shaking as I type.
Very effective piece of writing.
One suggestion, however. As powerful a piece as this is, you have an opportunity to make it even more powerful. Sometimes, in writing, it is hard knowing when and how to end a piece. In this particular case, this would be far more effective if the last sntence were deleted. It isn't necessary and the reader can suppose what was said, but in leaving the exact words to the imagination, the reader would be left with a more powerful feeling.
Either way, this is an excellent and highly recommended read.
I'll be honest. I do not totally 'get' this poem, but i still liked it. You have a wonderful way of combining words one would never expect to see together, and yet it works.
One thing I also particularly like about this poem is how it reads out loud...the way the words tumble and grate against each other....this poem has sound and motion!
I particularly liked the line 'bleeding through empty time.'
Excellent! This poem really says it all in a way that is fresh, new and above all --cut to the heart truth. Well Done!
These lines ring loud and the masses need to read/hear and believe it!
We salute you fallen ones...
May our lives be not wasted
At the cost of death you tasted.
I'm featuring this poem in my Romance Newsletter this week as it is focused on memories and meanings of Memorial Day.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!
Wow. Over all this was very good. One thing that detracted from the story was the fact that Leon was way too much like the guy from 'The Stand' movie. I almost expected a 'M-o-on spells moon.'
I think the part about all the various tries to get beer was really not necessary and also detracted. The beginning was so over the top EXCELLENT that that whole middle part didn't keep up. Ending, too, was excellent.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!
Hmmmmm. Different. Very different. My take is that i feel this needs to be longer. The reader really doesn't have a chance in 457 words to begin to emotionally attach themselves to the main character, which, in this case, i feel is needed, in order for the reader to care about what is going to happen.
The germ behind the story is good. The bones are there, it just needs to be longer to pull the reader into it more such that the sacrifice becomes just that and not a frivolous action.
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!
This short story seemed as if it were trying to tackle too many points for a short story. There was the issue of the ex-best friend and the ex boyfriend, as well as the possibilities of the photographer meshed in with a not so terribly nice florist with issues and unprofessional behaviors. The culmination thereof had the story going a a few too many directions. Because of this, the reader's sense of emotional attachment isn't able to be focused on the florist, indeed, becomes far more attached to the couple, which i doubt is the aim.
With some editing and revision, this story has huge potential, however, and I'd be interested in reading a rewrite.
good luck!
fyn
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