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Initial Impressions
I very much enjoyed this story and I was transported along with the character to the new home.
What I particularly liked.
I liked the bones of this short story. Given word constraints, you were limited, but this would be greatly enhanced by some revision.
What I think could use some work or revision.
What i mean by this is now you have the chance to re work this, adding descriptions to truly make the scenes come alive. Let the reader truly see, smell and hear what is going on around the main character. Let us be able to experience the B&B. But more, let us really see her new house and want it as much as she does.
Final Thoughts.
Without word limits, and with some descriptional revision, this story could grow from being very good, to awesome!
I really liked this piece. My only suggestion is that the first two sentences are kind of repetitive and that, as is, the character has gotten out of bed twice. But other than that, this short story is excellent.
I'm using it in this week's For Authors newsletter.
Initial Impressions
Excellent poetry...deep, multi-leveled, full of fresh word usage and in fresh combinations.
What I liked best...lines or word combinations
Beyond volition she begs a reprieve - requiem refused<<<----awesome!!! line. I also appreciated the use of Greek gods being worked in and used to give this poem an added edge, an extra depth. Improvement Oriented Comments
Still not totally sure about the cascade/creshendo, but upon reflection, I do 'see' the waves and so yes....I guess I do 'get' it. Just took a few more moments and that is why this poem is so good! Got to love something that makes you sit back and ruminate on it a bit. Got me! Well done :)
Final Thoughts
Well crafted poetry this. Nothing like finding someone who not only knows how to write, but who chooses words with such care and forethought. Expect many have written about the oil spill, do not expect any with write with quite this much panache!! Bravo!
I really enjoyed reading this fantastical poem! A bit of a tongue-twister, at times, to read aloud, but the imagery was vital and the story engrossing! I particularly liked the following verse...
{quote:
Memories of mushroom, bat and other nightly fare.
Of dew, virtues of starlight and lunar attributes.
Of close of day, the time to say a sweet nocturnal prayer.
Lest the sun should settle and commit himself to roots.
I had included this in my newsletter on the recommendation of A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo. I didn't have time to review it before including it in my newsletter,(although I did read it) but was thinking it was a good piece to include so you could get extra feedback back on it. The bones are excellent...now we need meat and muscle!
While the characters are a bit hard to keep straight at this point, and aside from the fact that I feel I've stepped into the middle of a story, it kept my interest and I would have happily read more.
The red part completely threw me as it came out of left field, and the name Karl Marx too knocked me out of the 'read mode' and tossed me into 'huh??? mode.
A couple of suggestions. Give each character more description than you have at present. The reader needs to be able to picture the chacters and at the moment they are disembodied voices floating around except for David who is in rehab or something. But there's no background to ground the characters--for example...what was the relationship between connie and david and why didn't it work, etc. (was it ended before or after he was hurt....and how was he hurt?)
Are the interaction between the emt team based just on losing their team? And where was the chopper headed. What happened to who they were supposed to be picking up? And why did it crash? (you gave us no weather issues or anything) What is the time frame as in how long had Connie/David broken up or had they ever actually gotten started. What's the back story between Mel and Jeremie?
More about each character would help the reader keep the 8 or 10 characters clear and separate.
I'm reviewing this as one of the Facebook entries.
Had this been eligible for this past month's entries in Quotation Inspirations, I (as a judge for May's entries)would have been upset to get to the 4th paragraph from the end and see," It was because my father and had saved their lives out here, " because I firmly feel there should be no typos in submissions to that contest. So, I'm glad it didn't qualify because this is very, very good. The only thing, typo aside, that could have made it better, and is a suggestion, none the less, would be for you to include an actual quote from said book.
I loved the smirk comments (and your repetition of same.) I loved the depth of the character and the growth that was shown in him. This was incredibly engaging.
Bravo.
What else this piece did is make me curious about other things you've written, thus I will be checking out your port as well, tomorrow.
Saw this on WDC's Facebook post. I liked this...I wanted to read more. Much more. I found the concept to be intriguing. I did question the bear skins. Having only been there a matter of weeks, would a bear skin be 'blanket' ready? Wouldn't it have to have been stretched, dried, softened, etc? Just a thought!
Did appreciate the tracking info being right on. As well as the thoughts about interaction, etc. Did want to know how/why they got there. Did want to know 'what happens next..' Why couldn't they return whence they had come? Is this part of a longer piece? If so, please let me know as I will happily read more!
*Also wonders if you ARE from Michigan? (Just because I am too!)
Excellent. Not only did you let the reader know what book, but why and then showed the reader how it had a continuing influence on you and how you viewed your life experiences. The entire non-fiction piece was worded as that of a story verses an essay which allowed the reader insight and allowed them the benefit of the writings along with seeing how they affected, inspired and propelled the author.
Well done.
This well crafted piece let the reader know more about the writer, let them share glimpses of pain, joy and understanding that make the author who he is. I was able to react emotionally to this piece. Tears welled, smiles grinned. I was aboard the bus, feeling it sway and curve, start and stop. I felt the shocks needing some work (got a bit bumpy there for a bit) and heard air brakes screech.
My thinking on this entry is that you got side-tracked halfway through it. Starting off with the newspaper headline was brilliant and I wish that you had applied this concept to other stories within the Bible and also included why they had an impact on you. The Bible is clearly one of the most published books in the world and as had an impact on millions of people, but why on you? how, specifically, has it affected you?
Then you spend the rest of this piece giving a history lesson on the life and times of King James.
You might be interested in this website:http://www.greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/ as it contains a most illuminating time line and sources for same.
At the time of King James, much of the common man population still couldn't read, or read well, beyond that which might have been required for household management and/or crop management. In fact it was only recently (at the time)that the common public even had access to a bible should they, per chance, have been able to afford one.
Good luck in the contest and may you keep alive this particular voice. :)
This clearly was a voice you heard from someone's writing. The memoirs must have been fascinating to read.
Yet, perhaps you could have put more of the nuances that made him 'him' into this rather than focusing on events. Did you call him 'Mr. C'? We have an idea of events that transpired during his life, yet no 'picture' of this man which would bring your reader more into 'his'tory, if you catch my drift. Older readers also remember many of these events or know of them from parents and grandparents. They want to know why these particular events were important to him and how they affected him. In places this was included...his lost child, his brother dying...but this then made its lack in other places so much more noticeable. I want to feel as if I knew him too....
Proofreading verses spell checking is also a necessity. Kennedy was assassinated in 1963, not 1964. One (for example) typo is in the sentence: "There have actually been so many thousands of incidents that have taken place during my life that I could not possible write then all in this story."
Good luck in the contest and may you always hear this voice.
This is an very good short story that places the reader easily in a far off place dealing with a specific problem that yet translates to feelings most all readers would have experienced in some form or another. Well crafted!
My only suggestion here is the use of the word 'powered' matched with 'leisurely' as the two present opposing connotations that, for me, was something of a stopper. I think there might be a better word choice to be used here to describe this.
On an another level, I found myself wanting more of the fisherman and less of the over riding problem. I needed more to become deeper invested in the fate of the man. There was much opportunity to show the reader more of the pride he took in his work, more chances for description to allow the reader to truly 'see' his boat, his actions. To immerse the reader into his livelihood for more than a brief moment would give this story far more depth an raise it to being excellent!
Found this in the Mystery newsletter this week and I thoroughly enjoyed it! I would suggest, however, a few things that would make this ever so much better, and, easier to read!
Single space the paragraphs leaving the double space between them. This makes it far easier to read online.
A read through will, especially if read aloud, show you where a few of the sentences are run on or just overly long. Several have phrases stuck at the ends (as an after thought almost) but they slow the reader down and are a tad confusing. Breaking some of these down into multiple sentences will help this issue.
You did a good job in telling this story, but I think a bit more showing would enhance this incredibly. There are so many opportunities for description here that get lost. Let the reader truly feel the fabrics and smell the mustiness. You did an excellent job of this with the keys...but it was too fast. Perhaps having them in her pockets for a few days would allow that know by feel feeling, but not after just a few moments.
Details is what this needs...not just a road map of the house but where the sunlight flows in and where the breezes blow. What was it in the kitchen that I don't think was explained?
Let me feel and sneeze with the dust!
Having been through something like this myself I can picture it but I think the reader needs more. Surely the cobwebs weren't just at the entrance. Didn't anything skitter as they wandered down those narrow corridors?
When finding and standing in those rooms used so long ago to send folks to their freedom...what were the characters feeling? How were her feelings different from his? Why NOT let the kids see these things in their own spaces? Think of the history lesson!!! (The doors could be relocked, after all for safety sake.
The bones here are so excellent!! It 'feels' real. Enough to ask, Is it? More depth of detail will make this first rate!!!!!! Even with the edits needed, I'm giving this 4.5 stars because the story IS excellent...it just would benefit with some additional work!
Also, I think you might enjoy 'my' version of a similar discovery, and I'd be curious as to what you think of it.
Trunk (E) True title is My Grandmother's Grandfather's Trunk #947871 by Fyn
Thanks for visiting my port and now I've been meandering yous! I particularly enjoyed this one. Memories seeped off the bottom of the lake...that fuel/exhaust smell that says fishing to me...the squeal of the pull on the pole. I was the sister and I so loved fishing. Worms never bothered me. Only problem with fishing? I don't like fish! So i always wanted to toss them back in the lake! I never cared what I caught...the catching was the fun part!
Your writing made this one jump out of the water for me! Well done!
Oh dear! Sitting here giggling and smiling...and remembering. Excellent evocation of a grandmother's visit. Question...do we share the same grandkids? lol
I'm using this in this weeks Love/Romance newsletter
Ohhh I LIKE this *grin* Lovely poem crafted using prompt words that are used very well! This would make a WONDERFUL children's book! I can literally SEE the illustrations before me!!!
Now, if I recall correctly, my grandma had a garden at the bottom of the yard near where the river ran...I was absolutely positive that fairies made their home there! And my grandma...I kow she was magical!
Well done! Thanks for transporting me out of my computer room and into this delightful scene!
*wonders if this was written for a contest with a wordcount* There is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more to this story just screaming to be told. A longer trip to the past perhaps...or a different angle and having the girl call her a witch but then being told by her om the stuff she did and then being brave enough to actually become friends with the old lady...adventures in the house...becoming the daughter she never had etc.
Could still end the same but oh how the roses could live on and...and....so much more to this!!!! I want to 'know' more about the house and why it was called Willows...a willow tree seems out of place near a shipyard, so there must be a super reason why it is called that...the old lady must have snuck out of the house to care for those roses and...and....(you see what I mean?) I want so badly for this to be MUCH longer and to know more.
Great story! There are a few punctuation issues throughout, but the story just pulled me along to its inevitable conclusion! I did, however want the story to make it to Christmas morning with Dad (Some how Poppa seems to fit better for some reason) returning home with a wriggling puppy!
Excellent letter. I do hope that the 'you' who wrote the letter is a tad different from the you who received it. I sense quite the business man. During those Sundays, I hope you relax, are playful and not all 'business like' Grin!
I liked what you said about taking the reviews in the spirit offered. I hope you take mine in that light. You have the makings of a writer. I'd suggest taking your points and rewarding yourself with a short story class at a local college. Writing classes are an excellent way to hone skills and I'm a firm believer that one cannot ever take too many of them as one always gets something new out of them.
If, indeed, you seek to published that blockbuster, I'd suggest you focus your writing on longer pieces, get your self into that mode that allows for greater character development, that and trying to write something long that isn't rated the higher content ratings. Higher content ratings mean you limit yourself to a far smaller pool of readers and reviewers.
I've nothing against erotica, I've written some myself, but in the mainstream world, it isn't doing what you need to accomplish. And it will not, in all honesty, get you where you want to go. *smile*
Oh and your ending...yours truly??? To yourself??? Think about that one a bit!!!
This was, overall, a well written short story. I do have some suggestions that could make it better. Reading it, I continually felt I was being told a story, rather than reading something that was going on. Perhaps you could show the reader more vs telling them. This would give an added depth and vitality to your words.
There were also a couple of instances where I was stopped. This usually means something has occured that 'doesn't make sense' to the reader. One example is when they are on the way to the airport. Who's watching the 5 year old? A sitter isn't mentioned or even shown to be there.
Another is in the bar..the reader is led to believe that he knows it is Sandra, even if he is drunk. Then he thinks she's his wife...doesn't 'feel' true. Later, her willingness to help him find stuff for his wife doesn't ring true with the first glimpse we had of Sandra who comes across as a hooker wanting her money....
The idea of her visiting the grave comes as a shock to the reader but then to find that the husband knew this and was jealous over his step-daughter's dad who's dead again needs work to make it feel real and true. You want the reader to like the husband, not think he's a total jerk.
On the positive side, the bones of this story are good, the pieces are in place, but it needs some work to bring the reader into the moment and make it live and breathe. Details are part of what is missing. We see her in a stereotypical sort of way, but she feels like a cartoon, almost instead of abeautiful woman. We, as readers, see nothing much of him. The daughter is a faceless entity of sorts and I know of nowhere in the US that gives a day off from school for winning a soccor championship. Not to say it couldn't happen, again, saying it was a schedualed day off or teacher in service day would feel more real...that and I know my husband knows when the kids are out of school...
Most of the issues are readily fixable, the details will help as well as perhaps, allowing the reader to see more vs being told. Let the reader in on why they can't communicate this love. It would seem that if he asked her to marry him, they'd at least be able to communicate...but they almost come across as strangers who had made love one and got married and knew nothing of the other.
The potential is here to be excellent with some revision!
Oh this was good! I know the painting...ethereal in its way and a moment captured such that a whole story floods off the canvas! I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter
This excerpt is enough to get this reader wanting to read the entire book! Excellent writing and use of descriptions! I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter.
OH wow. *Shivers* *sniffles* An awesome, gut wrenching, extremely well written piece about a Thanksgiving that no one should have to live through, yet resounding with the love only a close-knit, supportive family can know. No errors or suggestions at all. This reads true and real and the reader is dragged right into the middle of the action from start to the final toast to loved ones tragically lost. Well done!
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Initial Impressions 
What I liked best...lines or word combinations 
Improvement Oriented Comments 
