Thanks for visiting my port and now I've been meandering yous! I particularly enjoyed this one. Memories seeped off the bottom of the lake...that fuel/exhaust smell that says fishing to me...the squeal of the pull on the pole. I was the sister and I so loved fishing. Worms never bothered me. Only problem with fishing? I don't like fish! So i always wanted to toss them back in the lake! I never cared what I caught...the catching was the fun part!
Your writing made this one jump out of the water for me! Well done!
Oh dear! Sitting here giggling and smiling...and remembering. Excellent evocation of a grandmother's visit. Question...do we share the same grandkids? lol
I'm using this in this weeks Love/Romance newsletter
Ohhh I LIKE this *grin* Lovely poem crafted using prompt words that are used very well! This would make a WONDERFUL children's book! I can literally SEE the illustrations before me!!!
Now, if I recall correctly, my grandma had a garden at the bottom of the yard near where the river ran...I was absolutely positive that fairies made their home there! And my grandma...I kow she was magical!
Well done! Thanks for transporting me out of my computer room and into this delightful scene!
*wonders if this was written for a contest with a wordcount* There is SOOOOOOOOOOO much more to this story just screaming to be told. A longer trip to the past perhaps...or a different angle and having the girl call her a witch but then being told by her om the stuff she did and then being brave enough to actually become friends with the old lady...adventures in the house...becoming the daughter she never had etc.
Could still end the same but oh how the roses could live on and...and....so much more to this!!!! I want to 'know' more about the house and why it was called Willows...a willow tree seems out of place near a shipyard, so there must be a super reason why it is called that...the old lady must have snuck out of the house to care for those roses and...and....(you see what I mean?) I want so badly for this to be MUCH longer and to know more.
Great story! There are a few punctuation issues throughout, but the story just pulled me along to its inevitable conclusion! I did, however want the story to make it to Christmas morning with Dad (Some how Poppa seems to fit better for some reason) returning home with a wriggling puppy!
Excellent letter. I do hope that the 'you' who wrote the letter is a tad different from the you who received it. I sense quite the business man. During those Sundays, I hope you relax, are playful and not all 'business like' Grin!
I liked what you said about taking the reviews in the spirit offered. I hope you take mine in that light. You have the makings of a writer. I'd suggest taking your points and rewarding yourself with a short story class at a local college. Writing classes are an excellent way to hone skills and I'm a firm believer that one cannot ever take too many of them as one always gets something new out of them.
If, indeed, you seek to published that blockbuster, I'd suggest you focus your writing on longer pieces, get your self into that mode that allows for greater character development, that and trying to write something long that isn't rated the higher content ratings. Higher content ratings mean you limit yourself to a far smaller pool of readers and reviewers.
I've nothing against erotica, I've written some myself, but in the mainstream world, it isn't doing what you need to accomplish. And it will not, in all honesty, get you where you want to go. *smile*
Oh and your ending...yours truly??? To yourself??? Think about that one a bit!!!
This was, overall, a well written short story. I do have some suggestions that could make it better. Reading it, I continually felt I was being told a story, rather than reading something that was going on. Perhaps you could show the reader more vs telling them. This would give an added depth and vitality to your words.
There were also a couple of instances where I was stopped. This usually means something has occured that 'doesn't make sense' to the reader. One example is when they are on the way to the airport. Who's watching the 5 year old? A sitter isn't mentioned or even shown to be there.
Another is in the bar..the reader is led to believe that he knows it is Sandra, even if he is drunk. Then he thinks she's his wife...doesn't 'feel' true. Later, her willingness to help him find stuff for his wife doesn't ring true with the first glimpse we had of Sandra who comes across as a hooker wanting her money....
The idea of her visiting the grave comes as a shock to the reader but then to find that the husband knew this and was jealous over his step-daughter's dad who's dead again needs work to make it feel real and true. You want the reader to like the husband, not think he's a total jerk.
On the positive side, the bones of this story are good, the pieces are in place, but it needs some work to bring the reader into the moment and make it live and breathe. Details are part of what is missing. We see her in a stereotypical sort of way, but she feels like a cartoon, almost instead of abeautiful woman. We, as readers, see nothing much of him. The daughter is a faceless entity of sorts and I know of nowhere in the US that gives a day off from school for winning a soccor championship. Not to say it couldn't happen, again, saying it was a schedualed day off or teacher in service day would feel more real...that and I know my husband knows when the kids are out of school...
Most of the issues are readily fixable, the details will help as well as perhaps, allowing the reader to see more vs being told. Let the reader in on why they can't communicate this love. It would seem that if he asked her to marry him, they'd at least be able to communicate...but they almost come across as strangers who had made love one and got married and knew nothing of the other.
The potential is here to be excellent with some revision!
Oh this was good! I know the painting...ethereal in its way and a moment captured such that a whole story floods off the canvas! I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter
This excerpt is enough to get this reader wanting to read the entire book! Excellent writing and use of descriptions! I'm using this in this week's For Authors Newsletter.
OH wow. *Shivers* *sniffles* An awesome, gut wrenching, extremely well written piece about a Thanksgiving that no one should have to live through, yet resounding with the love only a close-knit, supportive family can know. No errors or suggestions at all. This reads true and real and the reader is dragged right into the middle of the action from start to the final toast to loved ones tragically lost. Well done!
Excellent story. Well written, descriptive and allowing those of us from oceans away into the scene and able to visualize things not normally familiar to us. Well done. The author really brought his world alive. Dialog and characterizations were all spot on.
I'm using this in this in this week's Romance newsletter
Having just driven through one of these 'here and gone' storms, I really enjoyed this story. I especially appreciated the fantastic descriptions that brought the bitter cold and stinging bits of ice right at me sitting at my desk. Bravo!
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
I'm thinking that there might be a better title for this than the current one. Especially as it ends so sadly. Also, as the story is told from the viewpoint of looking back in time, the reader wonders what happens after the fact and if they ever saw each other again or if the boy's life is in limbo...
Needs improvement: 3rd sentence:That summer she spent with her aunt on the farm next to my grandmother was the finest summer of my life. <--grandmother's
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
This anecdotal description of a boy waiting for a circus shows his excitement as he waits for this exciting new adventure, not even knowing for sure if he will actually be able to go see it.
I wasn't quite able to grasp how he got from the hilltop down to where they were passing by in the distance....I think there could have been a little bit more description, but then perhaps it was true to a little boy...not sure. Would depend upon the intended audience I think.....
I loved the cowboy and Indian fight in the clouds!!!!
I'm reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
Oh this is good! Excellent use of dialog/dialect which kept true to the character from start to finish. Very readable and it kept this reader's attention! Creepy, and yet very believable.
I am reviewing this as a judge for the Short Shots Contest.
This is a much different take on the photo inspiration. I found myself wanting the ending to be a little different, but I liked how the episode was taken from her memory, although the passage of five hours or so should seem to confound her more ???
Particularly liked: "The fields, once covered with the bounty of her labor, were now bare, growing only tendrils of mist in pale shades of dawn." <---lots of excellent descriptive lines like this made the scenes very real ...even the 'more out there' types of scenes.
Improvement: 1st sentence...should be 'known' not 'know.'
Also near the end..."neither has much tolerance for others mistakes." --should be other's
I enjoyed this poem of trees and leaves of thought. The metaphor works well and the different layers of meaning shift like branches in the wind. Well done.
I'm not sure about the repitition of the word 'hidden.' I think perhaps a different word in one of the places would serve the poem well.
There is so much within this poem! Layers on levels stacked on top of multiple meanings and metaphors. Well crafted. The plays on words here is awesome.
I think my favorite (but t'was hard to pick out just one!) lines here are:
You were down to nothing
so I took some with me
wow!
You are really growing as a writer, my friend and it is clear you have moved forward and on to new levels of our writing craft.
OK...this author has the uncanny ability to give one an intense sense of the absolute CREEPS! What a twisted tale! Extremely well written and, OMG, I am shaking. Got to love a writer, who through the power of their words can reduce a perfectly sane and reasonable adult to shaking quivers. If I have nightmares tonight, I'm blaming you! (Just kidding but....*shivers again*)
Weird and strange and perfectly convoluted...this short story gave me the chills and had me in tears....Forgiveness....I learned long ago that, really, there is no sense in holding grudges and that forgiveness must come from both within and without.
This is one of those rare pieces that really makes one think, ponder and has the ability to come back...haunting odd moments...an ethereal reminder. Read it!
Awesome, awesome story! Loved the descriptions...you really made the scenes and emotions explode off the page. You made every single word count in this short story, and there is no doubt that you deserved the win.
When I looked at the prompt, I got nothing. Yet your story fit the prompt so perfectly! It caught my eye because i have a poem with the same title. Mine sort of follows yours time wise, lol.
Way to go on the win, so definitely deserved! No typos or anything to suggest. You had me from word one and kept me until they roared off to Vegas. The conversations were so right on and believable. Excellent all the way.
Ohhhhhh I LIKE this poem, written for the Inspiration contest and based upon a prompt by J Cousteau. Simply stated, the emotions and depth of feeling flow from this poem and wash over the reader.
My favorite lines of this poems speak the writer's heart:
The ocean, the sea
she will be my home.
Her nets have been cast,
her waves I will roam.
Well crafted and well done!
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