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1,371 Public Reviews Given
2,816 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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426
426
Review by fyn
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!

Hmmmmm. Different. Very different. My take is that i feel this needs to be longer. The reader really doesn't have a chance in 457 words to begin to emotionally attach themselves to the main character, which, in this case, i feel is needed, in order for the reader to care about what is going to happen.

The germ behind the story is good. The bones are there, it just needs to be longer to pull the reader into it more such that the sacrifice becomes just that and not a frivolous action.

Good luck


fyn
427
427
Review of The Flower Girl  
Review by fyn
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!

This short story seemed as if it were trying to tackle too many points for a short story. There was the issue of the ex-best friend and the ex boyfriend, as well as the possibilities of the photographer meshed in with a not so terribly nice florist with issues and unprofessional behaviors. The culmination thereof had the story going a a few too many directions. Because of this, the reader's sense of emotional attachment isn't able to be focused on the florist, indeed, becomes far more attached to the couple, which i doubt is the aim.

With some editing and revision, this story has huge potential, however, and I'd be interested in reading a rewrite.

good luck!
fyn
428
428
Review of Andrew's Legacy  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!

This was a different take on the prompt for the short story. As such though, short story and all, I felt the final sentence was not necessary. A short story needs to stand on its own without explanation.

Part of the way through the story the point of view changed from Emma to a 'we.' Then back again. I think it would serve the story better to be consistent.

Good luck--
fyn
429
429
Review of April Came  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
I LOVED THIS!!!!!!!! I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!

The only thing stopping this from being five stars was an issue (easily fixable) with tenses at the beginning between the uses of present and past tense.

Aside from that, the descriptions flowed and presented me with both visual sights and intellectual insights! Well done. The parts about the compass and talking with the ship's captain were so real! These parts, specifically, (well, along with the descriptions of the 'trappings' )were what made this story totally stand out!!!


Well done! Good Luck!
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430
Review of Chloris  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I am reviewing your story as a judge for "Quotation Inspiration: Official Contest". Thanks for entering!

I found this to be an interesting read. The tone and flavor of the entire piece was consistent to the situation presented which firmly fixed the atmosphere within the clinical viewpoint.

I did find a few typos, however. For example, ' It didn't looked as if April had moved in the hour, or so since I last saw her. ' A simple method of finding errors such as this is to read the piece out loud. A spell checker won't find them, but the tongue will.

I loved the fact that the flower remained alive for twenty years! Nice mystical touch in a clinical setting.

Good luck!

fyn
431
431
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent! Wow!

It is MOST difficult to maintain a lexicon of voice as you use in this poem, but you do it well, convincingly and without sounding forced.

The last line was unexpected and absolutely right!

(true too, by the way!) *grin*


Well done!
432
432
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
Here we go again...just add the s to cardinals etc...not 's :)

Alfred Hitchcock's
famous, the bird flick.<----here the apostrophe is correct......tho' i'd leave out famous (we all know that else you wouldn't be using it in this context (lol)) as well as the word 'the'...

bird flick says it all...


'Billowing snowflakes fall
from grace, as glitter,
part of Heaven's discotheque.'<----excellent lines!!!!!!!!!

'Zero visability, due to howling,
constant wet snow, as if a
ogre size bottle of Elmer's glue,
has lain on the cold ground without
it's lid, drained to the max,'<------couple of problems
here....make it two distinct thoughts...the white out and then the stuff already on the ground...I'd leave out the 'drained to the max'...takes away from the fresh imagery of the splled gluey snow (which is frsh and new and awesome!)

I think you mean...clock out of your 'shift'...not sift..

Love the summer and overtime!

433
433
Review of Memory Stones  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Forgive the pun, but this is a poem that has really good bones. A bit of revision, with further playing around with the words and this poem will be exceedingly excellent!

For example, in the first stanza, you use the word 'ground' three times in quick succession. It is one of those words that sounds harsh and stops the reader. Perhaps a better choice might be to (as in the following,)...'To the simple cross stuck in the ground, made from two branches off a tree,' simply leave OUT the phrase 'stuck in the ground' as the reader already understands that fact.

This then reduces the use of the word and thereby gives more strength to the other two uses of it, which, were the points you wanted to make in the first place. :)

' The whole world inside that brain,'--EXCELLENT line!!!


As the reader follows along on this walk we are drawn deeper into the mind and thoughts of the author as well as treated to a more in depth look at his surroundings.


The line ' The peacefulness of the church seeping out into the old, old stones of memory.'

needs to be played with and for this reason. The image of that [peace] seeping into old stones of memory is awesome, well worded...BUT try to find a better word choice than 'peacefulness'. Your poetry is full of fresh images...a good thing...BUT when you then use a almost 'stock' word...the 'peaceful churchyard depicted on a zillion New England calendars' (for example) takes away from your poem.

Every line needs to add to the walk, to the sensations, emotions and ideas both felt and conjured there. Your core thought is so spot on that it needs to shine.

That entire stanza is a bit wordy, restating the obvious and burying the important under word choices that distract. Your earlier choices were fresh...yet
'wonderful quietness' is blah. I get the idea you are trying to convey, but the same mind that revels in the solitude of the cemetery, that sees the human-ness still in the dusty bones can do better than that. *smile* (I'm known for really pushing poets to dig deep, and polish every word and line)

The rest of that stanza that starts off so well, needs major reworking to rise to the beginning of the poem.The last line is excellent, but the middle merely seems to restate what, by now, is obvious to the reader.

The last stanza...The statements are made that no one else would do what the author does. Ah but folks do..so you need to be careful of blanket statements.

First three lines are good...

the next two could be simply deleted, or perhaps reworded to the effect of the writer saying 'they' never see anyone in there, or it 'seems' no one meanders it..or ...something. Better perhaps to shift the focus to the writer. Something along the lines of how the writer
alone seems to mix with the dead;
the passed away people
walking in solitude amongst the shadows ....
The beginning of this poem is so very strong. Yet the ending of loving the graveyard and feeling peace there simply is not matching the beginning. Again, I get the thought, but it needs more punch, more ooomph. This is a statement that , as you've already shown, is a peaceful place for the the character, that needs saying in a totally new way if it is to be repeated.

Look for some words to express this in a way that isn't so, (forgive me) overdone.

As I said before, the main thrust of this poem is excellent, and with some revision this can be a seriously well crafted poem.








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Review of SPRING BREAK  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello again. I'm assuming this was for a contest or something. The bones here are good, but i expect this is really a poem that is just dying to break out and shine.

Lots of fresh images and word choices here, but I do think reworked into a poem this would go from being merely good to great!

Oh. Frog's should be frogs (no apostrophe)as should be cricket's to crickets. And lightning bugs....and lady bugs...dyed eggs

Croaking conversations...matchstick trees...spring forwarding an email (that was a brilliant word play there!!!!)....

fyn
435
435
Review of THE SKETCH ARTIST  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Eerily creepy, well written piece full of description and good visuals...with an awesome twist...makes the reader what is...the rest of the story...that is lurking behind this poem!!!

The only line that caused a bit of perplexity was the line,
'He told me, it was his most accurate sketch of his career, by far'

and this, not in the line itself, but perhaps the placement of it...too early almost givien the ending....

All in all, well crafted and an excellent read... I look forward to more of your material.

fyn
436
436
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings newbie *big smile*

This lengthy poem has excellent bones and an incredibly powerful truth at the end. There are some grammar issues and spelling issues though...for example...
Your reckless because you have nothing else to be
Your careless because you know I already decided to leave
Your shameless because you have no secrets left to keep
And your blameless because the catalyst was always me

Your fearless because your running on empty.


All of these 'yours' should be 'you're.'--You are...

As is, the mis-use slows the reader down, takes away the steamroller effect you have that is pulsing and gathering steam. {Even still...minor fix}


That being said, the rest of the poem is I think, one of the hardest hitting, most honest to God truthful, real, no holds barred poem I've read in a very long time. The last five lines of this piece are flat-out fantastic. The last line brings it home...slamming the reader into a brick wall of honest awareness.

Really excellent poem.

fyn

ps...should you make those spelling changes...please let me know and I will give this the 5 stars I really want to be able to give it!

fyn
437
437
Review of CRAZY HORSE  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well done. Well crafted poetry saluting Crazy Horse. There is excellent use of layered meanings and fresh images throughout. Good use of slant rhymes as well.

One of the best Crazy Horse poems I've ever read as it seems to strike exactly the right notes in the telling!
438
438
Review of ENCHANTRESS  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was an interesting read. :) I particularly liked the the last line!

I think the best part of this poem is the way the rhythm was used. It is a non-rhyming poem that reads as if it rhymed..the flow is that well done!

My only question is that in the first stanza she is swept away, far away to a new world, yet in the following lines the reader is counseled to take the enchantress in...yet she is so far away...a bit confusing.

Still and all though...very nice!

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439
Review of The Intangible  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a good read,, full of lines like--'An image so clearly vague.' Well crafted, tight. The final verse wraps it all up in a bundle of lost wishes, tightly grabbed as one would grasp smoke.
I'm featuring this in this week's Romance Newsletter.
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440
Review of Bare Trees  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Excellent slice of life, series of almost photographic thoughts seen clearly through the mind's camera!


Well written, well crafted and will be featured in this weeks Romance Newsletter!
441
441
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was a most interesting peek! I did find that some of the sentence structure was thus that it was confusing to read; this may be helped by the use of some additional punctuation, to separate some of the sentences in to two or even three sentences. Other sentences simply did not make sense. Why on earth would a few puffy clouds scare anyone? (for example)

The bones of this piece are excellent...I think it would benefit by some revision and with some additional length. I realize this was for a contest, but assuming the contest is long over with, making this longer would turn it from being a nice little piece, into something potentially awesome!
442
442
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really enjoyed this poem, and I liked the message contained therein. I found the 'mom' lines absolutely perfect...succinct...just enought....a simple series of words conveying a multitude of thoughts/memories...each unique to the reader, yet adding to the poem! Well done!

I think my favorite stanza was the fourth one...especially the last line.

The second and third line of the first verse though, I found to be a bit confusing. I knew what you were trying to say, but as is, the kids are screaming 'get on the bus' and not the mom :)

This is a wonderful piece of poetry!

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443
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


This was a fun read, funny as all get out and written in such a manner it was very easy to 'see' and 'hear' the various 'characters'...pun intended!

I want to read more of this...I was hooked from the character descriptions!


My mini mix of binocular toters pushed passed me while <----past...not passed :)also it should be something other than toters as that isn't a word...binocular toting characters or something....

Aside from this one suggestion, this is well written...there just needs to be more of it!
444
444
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Let me preface this by saying that, generally, I am not a fan of really short poetry.

I really, really liked this piece! *bond both ethereal and taut* great image/sense here.

I expect 'Cliffside' to be a real place...but found the only 'stopper' in this poem to be the fact that it was capitalized. I think perhaps, the poem would be stronger were it not...

Very nice!
445
445
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
While i found the plethera of details a wonderful addition to this 'parlor mystery,' I found myself thinking that the ending arrived out of nowhere...to pat, i think for the myriad of details that do not lend themselves to the actual ending. I guess i was expecting more...much more...

There were details mentioned with no resolution. Grantham is portrayed as somewhat of a recluse...yet he managed to get out, come visit, and somehow-or another- get the belladonna into the deceased? Why was the maid there aside from her stipend? Why all the details about the missing man and the peruvian jungles? I halfway expected him to show up!...Who was to get the hunched over troll like table, and what's in it....

The writing was well done with a few trip ups in some of the longer sentences, for example where the description of the table actually refers back to the deceased as it is currently written. The style does flow well, just that there seems to be more details than a reason for them. Provide the reasoning within the framework of the story and this read would be totally satisfying and well crafted!
446
446
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh I LOVED ending #2!!! How perfectly fantastic. The only thing that I'd consider changing is I'd mention earlier that Teddy wondered if they could get a bunny if a puppy cost too much...That would make it work all the better!

Wonderful, wonderful children's fairy tale!!!

I will be featuring this in this week's For Author's Newsletter!
447
447
Review of For Christmas  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not familiar with the eintou form of poetry, but this is lyrical, and wonderful when read aloud. Lovely fresh phrases, see-able descriptions made all the more marvelous by the tightness and conciseness of the poem!

Well done from beginning to end!

I am using this poem in this week's For Author's newsletter!
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448
Review of Shimmy and Roscoe  
Review by fyn
Rated: E | (3.5)
This short story seemed like it didn't ring true. While you have a knack for dialogue, at times it simply seemed unreasonable. Having the dog smell long eaten cheeseburger was an excellent detail (*smile*) having her mention it as well (thus repeating it) isn't something one would comment on.

What has 'luck' to do with taking her dog for a walk? Why wouldn't she have stayed in her yard for the dog to do his thing if the weather wasn't good? If a severe storm were threatening here, I wouldn't care if the dog went in the house! Also, dogs tend to notice bad weather approaching before people do and would not be pawing at insects.

And while I'm not sure of the age of this character, she seems young enough to have a parent at home...thus raising more questions.

One of the more difficult aspects in writing short stories is having enough information to move the story along, yet presented in such a way that the reader accepts the 'truth' of the characters.

The bones are good here, but this needs some work still. It does have enormous potential once these issues are worked out and the general premise of the story made clearer.
449
449
Review of Voiceless  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Tis was a well written short story, with only a few minor punctuational errors. Creepy story of a self-chosen mute girl who's experienced a series of major psychological blows in her short life. On this level the story reads well.

Yet I found myself asking many questions. Why hadn't her adoptive family figured out she 'could' talk? Why hadn't any doctors figured this out? Why hadn't she been taught sign so she could communicate? These sorts of questions took away from the story and need, I think, to be addressed in some fashion for the story to
'work' as well as it should.

450
450
Review of Fleeting  
Review by fyn
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I found this to be an interesting read with lots of potential. The bones of this short story are excellent. What could make this story even more powerful would be some revision, particularly with some of the sentence structure and description.

This would help bring the detail into stronger focus, and far more 'in the moment.'

For example...where you are talking about Grandma's house...that entire paragraph could probably be several paragraphs. Additionally, there are phrases that may well be unfamiliar to many people and thus require a tad more explanation...ie; room gueard, for example. I have no clue what that is....

The sentence refering to 'Grandma’s house was always so comfortable to her although you wouldn’t call it a place of refuge....ok...if it is comfy and familiar, why not a refuge? This needs explanation as well as to why she might think that way since we do not have the infor we do later on.

In other places where you have one long sentence, it may serve you better to break it up into several sentences...for example....instead of the following sentence, which is also a paragraph, being one long sentence...
"She looked around her as she realized that she was sitting in their broken down trailer, the table full of dishes stained from meals long past, a loaf of molding bread beside her; the sound of the dripping faucet beating like a drum in her ears."

Perhaps something along the lines of.....

She looked around, surprised to find herself at home, sitting in their broken-down trailer. The table before her was piled with dirty dishes. The only loaf of bread had lost its battle with the mold. The staccato beat from the endlessly dripping faucet seemed to reverberate in her head like a war drum. But as loud as it seemed, it couldn't drown out his next words.


Breaking it up into several sentences brings the reader more into the picture so to speak.

With some revision, this powerful story could be first rate!
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