|Subject: Chapter 14 Friday, July 7, 4:47
Chapter 14: Teeth & Steel-a Gripping Chapter !
An Excellent 2nd Paragraph
This is a great opening paragraph ! The sounds of the horses tramping and snorting give your story an important boost. You paint with a fine brush, Breach. You not only embrace sounds and sights with your imagination, you humanize the humans and fan the frenzy of hatred in your creatures. Danger comes with heightened awareness. A screeching Wraith adds a listening dimension to your story. Your descriptions continue to be your great strength, Breach.
What will the King gain by going to War ?
I'm not certain what motivates the King. He has been recruiting soldiers to move north. It has been said the north is dangerous for the inhabitants and the people who travel through. Talk of larger- than-life violent ogres with clawed hands and eyes like red balls of fire is an everyday occurrence. Humans don't often stand a chance in a fight to the death with the most violent of the northern inhabitants. For them, fear is a prison as impregnable as any made of stone and steel.
Given the proper preparation (swords and an army of soldiers), Faldishar believes his army is a match for any organism.
Edson's Son, Robert-- his role: Robert is a young man who has the heart of a soldier and the sensitivity of a man. Faldishar is surprised and impressed to find that his guard is solid and humane.
Commander ! Commander ! This is where the story develops wings "Faldashir twisted in his saddle to see a man running his horse along the trail of soldiers. Faldashir spurred his horse forward, coming to a stop at the side of the road, giving the other rider enough distance to halt his horse.
"Commander, there is a force of soldiers approaching us from the south,” the soldier said. “They are Takinthad men, sir.” A second messenger rode up to say: “Commander, the Takinthad commander found us, but let me come speak to you. The other men are being held, and the Tak is asking to meet you".
Fast Forward: "We won’t be traveling together,” Tyollis answered. “Your large force would slow us down. Your men are taking up most of the road, as well.” A wind whipped the cloaks of the Takinthads and the loose coats of the Veressans as thunder crackled overhead."
Hearing the Battle Cry: Wolgs!” a man shouted. "Then Faldashir saw them. Beasts charging down the hill, winding through the trees and jumping over logs, a relentless wave of teeth and fur. Men screamed terror. Archers from both armies rushed to the gap between the two, readying arrows.
Faldashir cursed, snatching an arrow from Robert’s hand. The young man watched the wave of wolgs come, his hands shaking, making it difficult for Faldashir to grab a second arrow, and a third.
"Wolgs fell tumbling down the slop. Some got up. Faldashir’s heart raced, but his head was clear. “Spears to the hill!” Faldashir roared. Most obeyed. They shoved their way past horses and men, readying their long spears. The wolgs were closing in." Twang! Twang! The bowstrings sung death, the wolgs fell and tumbled down the hill. With their size, usually two or three arrows need pierce them before they die.
" They jumped into the armies, tackling men off horses and crushing foot soldiers under their weight. Horses screamed and bolted, Faldashir yanked back on his reins, steadying his horse. He loosed more arrows at those wolgs still coming down the hill, hoping to break the tide. "Tyollis cursed and said, “We’re winning. It may not look like it, but the wolgs have stopped coming, and they’re dying left and right. I’ll watch your back. But watch mine!”
Observation: Re the battle, I hardly had a moment to breathe. Your timing is outstanding ! What I admire most is your focus and ability to move your story forward from one chapter to the next, skillfully. This episode is bound to propel your story to the next level.
There stood a wraith, the trees’ shadows reaching toward the creature like dark fingers yet to take shape. Here in daylight, Faldashir saw it better than at the river. It wore armor, a breastplate of shadow that swirled like smoke. A thin elegant hand gripped an equally elegant sword, thin and curved to a razor point. No human features marked the creature’s face but for eyes of bright red light that observed the battle. It was taller than any man there, and as Faldashir had seen, much quicker."
"Faldashir gaped as pitch black arms sprouted from the air beside the wraith. They were longer than any man’s arms, and thinner. No sign showed their entrance, no breach in the Divide, only arms, as if an invisible man were doused below the forearm in shimmering black dye. "
"The hands gripped the wraith’s neck with long serpentine fingers, and both other-world creatures disappeared. When the wolgs were over the hill and out of sight, Faldashir fell from his knees to his back. "
Your battle had all of the ingredients of a skirmish (unpremeditated fighting). 1,000 + men were taken by surprise by the wolgs. The only reasonable response was to repress, suppress, fight back, bite back, keep in check and ultimately wipe out the treacherous Wolgs and Wraith !
"Men died all around, the wolgs had broken their ranks. The archers were scattered, many of the spear-men dead. Rider-less horses ran screeching through the chaos, knocking into men and wolgs both. Faldisher and his soldiers were in an advantageous position to become heroes after the battle. Faldigher's men would say they are sure of fighting hard under him. They are certain he will be leading in the hotest part of it.
Everything about this skirmish was intense and fast-paced. You created a hard-hitting melee where soldiers and wolgs were killed brutally and swiftly. The dialogue has been crafted to perfection. You wasted no space in an effort to bring the battle to a successful close. Your wolgs came across as both vicious and ruthless. This battle came and went quickly. In the end, the army and the wolg survivors retreated to return to fight another day.
Once again, you hit a home run with this chapter, Breach. Nice going !!
1)A thick canopy of gray clouds gave a dark noon
OR: A thick canopy of gray clouds gave way to a dark noon ?
2)Archers loosed their missiles into the hill, wolgs fell tumbling down the slop. I think you meant slope.
Bravo, Breach !