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1
1
Review of I'm Sorry  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks, dear Dana !

I'M NOT SORRY

for sharing this with family, friends,
and colleagues who will benefit if you read this
from start to finish. There is still
time to help one person who can't fight
off feeling humiliated, is told being an under-
achiever is a sick addiction, and is never good
enough, no matter how hard you work. What
you do is never enough.

A harshly abused person prays for
that day when he or she will be valued, admired,
and respected. Thank you, Court, for opening
this door. Do any of these seem familiar ?

"I'm sorry, for not being the perfect girlfriend.
I'm sorry, for not being good enough for you.
I'm sorry, for not looking like a model.
I'm sorry, for not listening to anything you say.
I'm sorry, for not knowing anything.
I'm sorry, for not able to make you happy.
I'm sorry, that I am scared of you.
I'm sorry, that you choose to hurt me with your words.
I'm sorry, that you get so mad at me...to the point, you tell me to shut up.
I'm sorry, that I'm depressed...but it's not a choice.
If it was choice, I wouldn't be depressed.
I'm sorry, that you think that I don't love you.
I'm sorry, that my insecurities are getting the best of me.
I'm sorry, that I was stupid to hurt myself.
I'm sorry, that I can't help how I feel.
I'm sorry, that I always make your day bad.
I'm sorry, that I am a mess and that I cannot be fixed.
I'm sorry, that everything I'm saying...you've said.
I'm sorry, that I made you treat me this way."

We'll use Court's Wisdom to close this review:

"MENTAL ABUSE IS NOT OK !" {/i}
2
2
Review of Glass Flower  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Queen Normajean of the Grneyes:

I was captivated by this wonderful piece the moment I completed the first sentence. Of course, we have Rose Blum to thank for this. She comes across as lovely and sure of herself. It is because she is elegant in her show of confidence that every guest in the exhibition's gallery is captivated.

You do a fine job painting Rose's lovely demeanor and her sincere appreciation for her visitors. She'll never tell her story because she can't afford to give up what makes her a fascinating painter with a secret that
she will never reveal, especially because painting on glass the way she did
it is not impossible.

This is a 5-star winner, QN. I hope this delightful story wins a prize. It is as beautifully written as the primary character in this story is captivating.

Before signing off;

I was delighted to see that you joined W.Com a year before I did. Welcome back, Queen N. I hope you are planning to stay for a while.


Rising Stars Member to Member Reviewing Sig
3
3
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
-------------------------In Cardboard Boxes--------------------

Moving When My Daughter Was in California With Her Mom

This has to be a nostalgic moment for a father who is going through what was once a happy bustling family's home before both mother and daughter moved to California--the other side of the US.

Now, this father has to go through everything from his daughter's childhood days to now when records and grown-up music are compelling. This daughter is now in her teens.

Emily's broken blue water gun that no longer squirts. I stopped cleaning and packing for a drink of Sprite, surely I will never finish this task tonight.

"Taped to her mirror were tickets from Christian concerts. I carefully took them down, and turned out her light, thinking how she will view her new room; eyes so bright."

This father managed to tell his story with careful descriptions that accompany leaving his family home and imagining what his daughter's new home is like.

Bravo Lou-Here By His Grace I look forward to reading more of your poetry.

All the best, Gab
4
4
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


-----The Real Meaning of life----
Somik Bandopadhyay

Life means the summation of
Some success and failures !
Life means girlfriends
Warm intensive hugs !
These are contexts of life
Not actual meanings.

Real life means
The firmness to be an honest person,
And surrender yourself to the Almighty.

This poem is alive, mindful,
and fully cognizant. This poet
has learned the importance
of being honest
and why humility is vital.

I believe the goal of this poet
is to discover what it means
to "surrender" to a power greater
than ourselves.
5
5
Review of Forever September  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)



A Forever September:


How a Couple Agrees on Love of September

I love this poet's Opening Description:

"Forever said he;
Let’s forget all about wintertime misery"

Once in a great while, I'd go to Maine with my
grandmother to spend a long weekend:

"Catching "the rays of the sun" and "a breath of fresh air; old September can linger with winter nowhere":
"Still the Earth could remain with the sun going forth;
(it would steady its ecliptic path in the north.)
And so winter could sit with a gust in his mouth
since the path of the sun would not head to the south"

This poem is delightful and remarkably on the
mark where all of the most treasured
elements of the month of September creep
up to wake us on a chilly fall morning..
At the same time, the warm, sunny daytime
brings a delightfully warm temperature,
just the right time for a picnic on the rocks

Your poem is reminiscent of the beautifully painted
fall days depicted by Winslow Homer.
"The leaves are falling, falling as if far up."

I have thoroughly enjoyed your poetic Septembers.
You carried me back to those vacations in Maine
when the warm days and
cold nights were glorious and memorable
reminiscent of Emily Dickinson's Autumn:
"The Morns are meeker than they were
The nuts are getting brown;
The berry's cheek is plumper,
The rose is out of town."

Bravo and all the best, Don Two
I look forward to reading more of
your poems.



6
6
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)


To: Baloney Bill

Summer Vacation, A Mother's View

I love this delightful poem.
I wonder--- could this poem
be a Limerick ?
Well, a child's limerick
must have 5 lines. And, it
must be silly !! *Laugh*.
And, I believe limericks have a
rhyming pattern.
First line, Second Line
Third line, Fourth Line
Fifth Line

I hope I have this right, Mr.
Baloney. I wonder what
Edward Lear, the so-called
"father" of Limericks
would think of this delightful poem ?
I think your poem is
the epitome of a silly and
entertaining poem.

Now that we've had such fun
reading this poem,
we're going to look for more of your
utterly delightful limericks,
Baloney Bill.

Bravo and all the best...
7
7
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)

To Connieann:

Your friend's 95th Anniverssary

What a wonderful tribute this is, Connie !
Your friend Joan sounds like a dear,
very special pal. In addition to being able
to spend time with you whenever possible,
Joan is obviously a great friend who is
also thoughtful and caring, While she has
achieved her 95th year
one of her greatest gifts is having a
dear, very special friend like you.

This last stanza is lovely, Connie.
I hope you have a cheery chat on
July 29th. I especially hope each of you will enjoy
another year with a treasured pal. `
.
I can't imagine a better gift than the
gift of your friendship, dear, Connie.

All the best
8
8
for entry "Summer
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


To: Nfdarbe

Re: Sizzling Summer

Thank you, Snow. This is as lovely a poem
regaling summer as I have read in a long time.
While we are thoroughly engaged in our worries
about the dreaded disease, it is wonderful to
revel in the beauty, purity, and greatness
of summer.

Warmest best,

Gab
9
9
Review of Couldn’t save  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Title: Couldn't Save

Observation: While I am not a fan or well versed on the topic of
ghost stories, I decided to do some homework on the topic.
I looked for and learned a bit about the films and stories written
by Zoya Akhtar . Along with this creator of
gruesome stories, I found your story is also macabre,
emphasizing the details and symbols of death in a
grim ghastly atmosphere.

You may be pleased to find that your short story is
similar to those found in the Cyclopaedia of "Ghost Stories"
Most of these stories are haunting and many were written
during the Victorian and Edwardian‎ periods.

Review:

I found your story appropriately bleak and oppressive. You do a fine job developing an atmosphere that is terrifying and at first, difficult to anticipate. Once the handcuff's were unlocked, I could see there could
only be one empty ending in this death knell.

I admire the effort you put into this story. Considering the brevity
of your story's backdrop and background, you managed to
maintain an atmosphere that is bristling with unspeakable rage.
Well done.

10
10
Review of Run Away  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)



First and foremost:

A warm welcome to Writing.Com, Chantelle
As you may have noticed, we have a number of inviting
programs developed to welcome new members.
We hope you will enjoy taking advantage of these opportunities
to begin writing:

FORUM
The Angel Outreach Program  (13+)
For newbies seeking mentors and writers needing support via their peers; stop by today!
#1403831 by iKïyå§ama

"Noticing Newbies
"Newbies + Poetry Group
"Newbie Contest Challenge!!

What I found in This Piece that Caught my Attention

Title: Run Away

"Run Away" caught my attention the moment
I opened the door to Chantelle's portfolio. Naturally, I
was curious to find what lurks behind her title.
Her choice of format is a perfect match with this piece.

Not long ago, I moved into a cottage in New England-
one of several built for soldiers who came back from World
War II without families or homes to return to.
My house is a small clapboard cottage. We can tell
when it was built by looking at and wondering if the
kitchen and stove will be large enough for me. Both
were designed for the individual soldiers who
almost never did more than boil water for
morning coffee or an occasional bowl of soup.

This spare but effective tale begins with a woman who is running down the streets doing her best to avoid tripping over the remains of a horrific battle that is now reduced to nothing but smoke . She lost the old woman who crossed the streets with her. Now, she is exhausted and hungry. The few soldiers who survived this carnage break into the story with guns pointed challenging this woman who is now running for her life. She appeals to the soldiers with their pointed guns. All she wants is safety and someone to take her in.

'Take her in.' Wil snapped his head to Dave, protesting. Dave raised his hand that stopped Wil even before he began. With a sigh, he gave in.
'Follow me', he said turning around.

Genesis had won them over. But now she had a feeling she would be running again ."

Closing Remarks: For this writer, description is an indispensable tool
The author shows us the level of observation can reveal character as well as providing visual and plot detail

Bravo and all the best...........
11
11
Review by GabriellaR45
Rated: E | (5.0)
Love the first...60K
12
12
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Author: Tina Stone
Story: Attitude is Everything

This Story's Preface:

Dillon was a difficult client to work with. Staff, even well-seasoned staff went out of their way not to be assigned to Dillon. He was young, only 19. He was labeled difficult, noncompliant, combative, stubborn. More often than not, it took two people to manage him. No one liked working with Dillion. Except for one crazy lady. Me

My other title is: "Crazy New Lady"
I couldn't decide if I should be considered "crazy"
because I'm an angel who everyone thinks
is crazy to take on a young, thoroughly rambunctious
kid, or because I fell in line engaging the students
by behaving boisterous just like the rest of the school's poorly
trained staff.

"At the end of my two week training period, I talked to my supervisor. I told her I noticed it took two staff to deal with these two particular clients and that it often led to all the clients on the floor being late or disrupted during their morning routines. I asked if I could be the ONLY staff to tend to these two clients in the morning, for the next two weeks. They would be my main priorities along with my regular duties. My supervisor was skeptical but decided to let the crazy new girl try it."

Epilogue:

Having given her heart and soul to soothe her relationships with Dillon and the other feisty students, Dillon allowed her to help him undress while she chattered with him the whole time. From start to finish she had him up, showered, dressed and ready for the med line almost twenty minutes ahead of schedule.

This is an excellent, well written story that does more than amplify, it
informs and underscores how difficult it can be for the students and caregivers who live in government institutions.

Bravo, Tina. You tell a good story.

13
13
Review of Snowy Cold Rain  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Poet: Anna Marie Carlson
Poem: Snowy, Cold, Rain

Your Style: Having read a few of your poems, I noticed that you enjoy creating poems with long, slender lines that exude elegance and are remarkably effective. Each message is simple and direct.

An Example: The thrill was lost when it started to chill, and the breeze filled the air with a bit of despair.

One short error:
You write: "the snowy cold rain fall down on the plain."
I suggest: the snowy cold rain fell down on the plain.

I particularly like your closing line: "The snowy cold rain was a pain to explain; the picture was a dis by many. Since we were looking for spring, it was disdained, and that my friend is a very good thing."

Bravo, Anna Marie Carlson !

I look forward to reading more of your poems.

14
14
for entry "MicroPoetry
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


What fell from your branches

you: are terseley cogent
where:walking down a windy path
you: are enflamed with passion
you: write ravenously
your poems: unrestrained
your poetry: set the world on fire
you relate: wildlife
you: some days are like living in the arctic
you: platlets: change shape
you: look for the route cause
your: deep intelligence
you: are constantly born anew
you: life is all around ua
you: elevate and imbue
you: and the complexities of nature
you: and the soft earth's breath
you: write as though there is a law of nature
15
15
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (3.5)


--All Hail the King--

Overview:


This is a delightful little story the size of a postal stamp.
Aside from those brief moments when your story has an occasional
spelling glitch, you paint a glorious portrait of a simple man who
dreams he will someday become a King, a man who will sit firmly on the King's throne to rule a multitude of people.

Needless to add, the admiring audience will never grow tired
of their king. The little children will carry the day when they
lead the crowds singing: "Long live my King"

One day he prays and gives thanks to God Almighty before he
realized he had just been dreaming.
"Damn it, this is just a dream," he said to himself.
He closes his story with:
"I will surely rule my world one day with my handwork, integrity and my work for humanity. " he concludes wearing this simple man's
attire when he goes off to work.

Before Closing: A few Blunders Waiting to be Fixed:

Breathe taking should be breath-taking
Glarring should be Glaring
Eeliminate a where you wrote: a terifying blazes
Terifying should be terrifying

We look forward to more stories. Bravo and all the best.......
16
16
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


To: DKJ

I was immediately captivated by your writing style, your characters, and your introduction to the 7 girls and Hart on the Newsfeed. This story
is compelling and promises to be gripping as this story unfolds..

So far, you've done a fine job describing these characters sufficiently well that we find ourselves both settled in and rushing down the page from one paragraph to the next-- appreciating the confidence you bring to writing pure intrigue.

Each character who speaks heightens the story's drama where it would be tempting to drape your story in what would otherwise be predictable.. Needless to say, what happens to the young women is of paramount importance. We can almost smell the outcome.

I have read slightly more than one half of your story and expect to read the remainder tomorrow. Meanwhile, I couldn't resist this opportunity to
applaud your writing skills and your ability to build a good story.

Bravo and all the best,

GabriellaR45
17
17
Review of My First Story  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


To: Anuradhad143

Re: Your Story of Love Lost

A very fine re-write:

Bravo for the effort you put into
revisiting this story so that it is easy to
understand while you also leave
us heart-broken on your behalf.
I can see you have the determination
and ability to work at writing so that
your story is clear.

A first love is often one that lives on
in our hearts. I hope you will be
able to follow up with a story
that has a happy ending.

Thank you for sharing your story.
You put a great deal of effort
into this story. I admire your
determination and appreciate
your hard work.

All the best,

GabriellaR45
18
18
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Artwork by Raeni

Giving Birth to Twins
This is a lovely account of a precious event.

While your story is remarkable, it is also free-spirited,
memorable and lovingly recorded, Sharmelle. You write without drama
when you describe the birth of your babies. and
you make room for Daddy. adding greatly to a thrilling day
like no other. You share this event in a way that your
children will always cherish. Nice going,
Sharmelle. I'm especially grateful for this opportunity
to share this wonderful day with you-a
tribute to your marriage and the love you share with
your husband and the babies
when they heard your soothing voices.

Thank you for sharing this glorious
moment, Sharmelle.

Bravo and all the best.

GabriellaR45


19
19
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)


Leaf swag clip art
Recollections of Boot Camp

Overview:

This is a well written description. Its
most impressive feature is a refreshing absence of frills.
Your touchstone experiences convey pride
and determination. It is clear this spirit is not lost
when you leave boot camp. Thinking back, you
recall passing the obstacle course and what
a typical day in boot camp looks like. I came away
from reading your memoir, pleased at having
been reminded that military men and women
have chosen a demanding profession.

I found the simplicity of your explanation appealing, Roslyn.
I assume from your description that you arrived
at Boot Camp sufficiently physically fit to give you a boost
during those rugged early days of rigorous training.

I wondered what inspired you to join the
Air Force. And, I am curious to know what
you hoped to do with your training ? Did you
remain in the military ?

Succinct, Personal, and Relevant:

Your memoir is a fine narrative. It focuses
on specific experiences shared in a way
that reflects the discipline of your training.
The layout of your story shows us you
believe in the importance of being organized
when you write good essays and stories.

Bravo, Rosie, and all the best....
20
20
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)





My Sweet Little Man


Reviewer: GabriellaR45

This is a loving poem. It is a tribute to
Delanora's beloved Cat.


She describes her poem:

"A Three-Five-Seven poem about my sweet cat, Tudee.
It's about my sweet cat, Tudee. We adopted him when
I was 6 and I miss him so much. He was the best
animal we ever had. Heartbreak was a part of his loss of life"

Delanora's sweet tribute:

I love him, he loves me.
I do not have him, him I can not have.
I miss his purrs in the springtime,
his sweet meows in the moonlight.

Thank you for sharing Tudee with us, Delanora.
I had two cats for 13 and 14 years.
Our pets are unforgettable and irreplaceable.

Warmest best,

Gab
21
21
Review of Ode of I  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)






Illustration --a line of pretty delicate flowers


Title: Ode of 1

Reviewer: GabriellaR45

First and Foremost

A Warm Welcome to Writing.Com, Jinks !

I've had the good fortune to visit your portfolio.
My immediate response was
to admire the grand effort you've
made to write poems that are meaningful,
heartfelt, and gutsy.

You jumped right in to create poems
that address real life challenges
without reservation. There is not a poem
in your portfolio that is slim or meager.

After reading this review, I hope you will find
you've taken an important first step
by signing on to W/Com. We are a large group
of caring individuals who will be
here for you anytime you need some support.

Most important, I hope you wil find you don't have
to struggle to feel good here:
"Defeated am I now
for I have fought till I can no more
defeated am I now
my courage has failed me, disappeared through the door"

I admire your fearless approach when
you sit down to write a poem, Jinks.
And, I look forward to returning to your
portfolio to read more.

Keep up your good work !

Warmest best, Gabriella
22
22
Review of Visiting Grandma  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)

Visiting Grandma

Reviewer:GabriellaR45


The Role of Grandparents

This is as lovely a tribute to a grandmother as a grandchild can deliver,
Rachel. I am especially moved by the joy you receive when you express your creativity through writing. This is a glorious example:

"As I looked into my grandmother’s eyes, I caught a glimpse of the woman she once was. She beamed, her whole face brightening and I saw the beautiful debutant, coyly agreeing to dance with my grandfather some fifty odd years ago."

How significant a grandparent's role can be.

A grandchild’ is fortunate to enjoy a bond with grandparents during those precious years from babyhood to the time when grandma talks to her fully grown grandchildren in her role as family historian, mentor. and role model.

Imagine how wonderful it is for the children of a single mother to have
doting grandparents who shape their lives and are major sources of fulfillment. A grandparent can be counted on to share a wealth of experience and wisdom.

The love you express for the grandmother in your story is heart-warming and reminiscent of those many summers my family
of 6 spent with my grandmother in Maine.

Your writing style is gentile. Your Georgia is gracious and she
is a perfect match with your tribute.
The communication Georgia had with her grandmother was
loving in ways that will be lasting.

I felt privileged to sit with Georgia while she visited with her grandmother. As always your writing is first-class, Rachel.

All the best,

G.


23
23
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


Illustration --a line of pretty delicate flowers

To: Kieran1998

Story: Michelle's Building Bother

Overall Impression:

I laughed when I discovered Kieran has written another
story that features a lady in destress. Not surprising,
this traumatic event was at once funny and terrible.

This lady got stock in a hole in a wall when
she thought it would be fun to peak inside an abandoned
building. This well developed character could be the twin
sister of another one of Kieran's characters
in one of his earlier similar stories. That lady was stuck in a tree
trunk. Fortunately, Kieran's stories are written to be
humorous. And, he manages to achieve this
goal successfully.

Characters:

Kieran's characters are perfect matches with
the situations he creates. This is clearly where he
has the most fun.

The only question I had while reading the
story was to wonder how the stuck
woman's best friend managed to find her
and save her. Her timing was perfect.
The story was a success with the exception of
this one moment when I paused to see if I
had missed something.

About The Author:

Kieran shows us how comfortable he is
with pen in hand. Each and every sentence
seems to fall onto the page effortlessly.
He seems to have a good time writing about
women in distress. I am going to make an
effort to see if he has written a variety of stories.
He is a fine writer. I have a feeling he is going to
press on to become a published author.

Bravo, Kieran and all the best,

G.
24
24
Review of Behind The Lines  
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.0)

To: Seabreeze

Your Poem: Behind the Lines

I selected this poem after reading several
of your many diverse and interesting poems.
This poem is spirited and
calls on us to be brave--to step up when
it is important to do so.
I can't imagine a better time to
encourage folks to step up to be heard.

"Come out behind those tight lines.
Break free, be an independent.
Don't stifle, don't hide your brilliant mind.
Polish it, and let it shine."

I like your writing style and the format
you have adopted. This includes
the space between lines. Your poem's
presentation is delicate and elegant.

I noticed the first and last two lines
rhyme. You followed through
faithfully from one stanza to the
next. Your poem's rhythm
is consistent and it flows nicely.

During your 8 years here on W.Com,
you've accumulated a fair amount
of work. It is clear you enjoy
writing poems. I do too but I haven't
pushed myself to write enough. You
are a great example of what can be
accomplished with a bit of extra
effort over time.

Bravo and all the best,

Gab

 Celebrating our 10th Anniversary: 2009-2019


25
25
for entry "CHAPTER 26
Review by GabriellaR45
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)


To: DMT1967

Review Request: Chapter 26

This is Part 1 of my review. I offer these suggestions for your
consideration. You'll decide if they are useful. In Part 2 we
will look at your characters and how or whether they make a
strong contribution to the story's success.

Scanning Your Story:

I was intrigued the first few paragraphs and anxious to read more. I noticed there are sentences now and then where you add one too many word or words that are over the top--a strange match with your story.
Please don't hesitate to be in touch if you have questions.

This sentence is a perfect example of one that includes a word or two that seem a poor match with the story: "Callore's rosy cheeks flushed, and emerald bedroom eyes glued on Jake who smiled and waved."
Think whether it makes sense to eliminate Rosy and emerald.
You'll decide if this is useful.

Set a little time aside to go through your story to see if there is a word or words now and then in a sentence that seems an odd addition or too many words to add a personal touch to your story..

My concern is this story is a serious, high-adventure story.
a few of the words you used to describe your characters
reminded me of a soap opera. Describing Jake's eyes as thick and fluttering reminds me of the make-up women put on before going on the stage. More female than male.

How would your sentence read if you remove "rosy" ? You point
out Rosy's cheeks are rosy. Then, you tell us her cheeks were flushed. Both "rosy" and "flushed" are the same. While you go back to read
this story again, take a look to see if there are descriptive words in your paragraphs that may not belong.

Another example,--a simpler one: "He cupped his hand and lifted her chin. He kissed her on the lips". That his hand was cupped
isn't very masculine. You'll decide if this makes sense.
One more example:: The general threw his hairy hand... Your reader
isn't interested in the general's hairy hand. I believe the sentence
is more powerful without "hairy" in your description.


Quick Fixes:

You wrote: The general took to strides towards her. Did you mean
the general took two strides toward her ?

You Wrote: Jake sky-blue eyes with thick eyelashes fluttered as he opened them and turned his head to the left. He spotted the general by his bedside, sat up, and groaned. "What time is it?"
Suggestion: Jake should be Jake's. And, fluttered seems too feminine.
You'll decide if this is useful.

You Wrote: The general frowned and licked his moist thick lips. I'd rewrite the sentence to say he licked his lips.." He wrinkled his thin eyebrows and Jake saw circles around his heavy-lidded moss-green eyes. His usual hairy deep-brown skin seemed lighter there.
Suggestion: most thick lips is too feminine. I'd skip moist thick.

You wrote: Jake swung his legs out of bed and stood. He swayed a little and held onto the older werewolf's arm. "I'm coming. Where's my clothes?" Suggestion: where's should be where are my clothes.

The general shook his head. "You're not strong enough. Look at you, you can't even stand!"

CHAPTER 26


You Wrote: The general threw his hairy hands in the air and muttered under his breath, "well I tried," He stormed out of the hut.
Suggestion: drop "hairy".

You wrote: A bear cub ventured out of a cave to Jakes right and gazed at him. Jakes should be Jake's.

You Wrote: Callore's rosy cheeks flushed, and emerald bedroom eyes glued on Jake, smiled and waved. Suggestion: Consider dropping
"bedroom."

You Wrote: Eva bit her red lips and clung to her husband. He held her voluptuous shaped body and kissed her pale delicate skinned forehead.
If I were you, I'd consider dropping "voluptuous shaped" And, I'd
describe her skin as pale-skinned.

You Wrote: Callore threw herself into Jake's arms and held him. He cupped his hand and lifted her chin. He kissed her on the lips. "When I get back I want to ask you something."
Suggestion: drop "cupped."

'You Wrote-->Jake glanced over at his parents and shook his head. "No, it can wait till I get back.""Then you better make sure you come back sweetheart," she growled as she grabbed his penis< this is not at all how you've written this story so far. This doesn't seem like a good match with this story.

You wrote: A bear cub ventured out of a cave to Jakes right
Suggestion: Jakes should be Jake's.

You Wrote: concur other creatures' territory, for some reason, they kept to this agreement.
Suggestion: do you mean conquer ?

You Wrote: the general took to strides towards her and lifted her up by her shirtfront.
Suggestion: do you want to say: the general took two strides ?

GabriellaR45
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