Review Request: Chapter 26
This is Part 1 of my review. I offer these suggestions for your
consideration. You'll decide if they are useful. In Part 2 we
will look at your characters and how or whether they make a
strong contribution to the story's success.
Scanning Your Story:
I was intrigued the first few paragraphs and anxious to read more. I noticed there are sentences now and then where you add one too many word or words that are over the top--a strange match with your story.
Please don't hesitate to be in touch if you have questions.
This sentence is a perfect example of one that includes a word or two that seem a poor match with the story: "Callore's rosy cheeks flushed, and emerald bedroom eyes glued on Jake who smiled and waved."
Think whether it makes sense to eliminate Rosy and emerald.
You'll decide if this is useful.
Set a little time aside to go through your story to see if there is a word or words now and then in a sentence that seems an odd addition or too many words to add a personal touch to your story..
My concern is this story is a serious, high-adventure story.
a few of the words you used to describe your characters
reminded me of a soap opera. Describing Jake's eyes as thick and fluttering reminds me of the make-up women put on before going on the stage. More female than male.
How would your sentence read if you remove "rosy" ? You point
out Rosy's cheeks are rosy. Then, you tell us her cheeks were flushed. Both "rosy" and "flushed" are the same. While you go back to read
this story again, take a look to see if there are descriptive words in your paragraphs that may not belong.
Another example,--a simpler one: "He cupped his hand and lifted her chin. He kissed her on the lips". That his hand was cupped
isn't very masculine. You'll decide if this makes sense.
One more example:: The general threw his hairy hand... Your reader
isn't interested in the general's hairy hand. I believe the sentence
is more powerful without "hairy" in your description.
You wrote: The general took to strides towards her. Did you mean
the general took two strides toward her ?
You Wrote: Jake sky-blue eyes with thick eyelashes fluttered as he opened them and turned his head to the left. He spotted the general by his bedside, sat up, and groaned. "What time is it?"
Suggestion: Jake should be Jake's. And, fluttered seems too feminine.
You'll decide if this is useful.
You Wrote: The general frowned and licked his moist thick lips. I'd rewrite the sentence to say he licked his lips.." He wrinkled his thin eyebrows and Jake saw circles around his heavy-lidded moss-green eyes. His usual hairy deep-brown skin seemed lighter there.
Suggestion: most thick lips is too feminine. I'd skip moist thick.
You wrote: Jake swung his legs out of bed and stood. He swayed a little and held onto the older werewolf's arm. "I'm coming. Where's my clothes?" Suggestion: where's should be where are my clothes.
The general shook his head. "You're not strong enough. Look at you, you can't even stand!"
You Wrote: The general threw his hairy hands in the air and muttered under his breath, "well I tried," He stormed out of the hut.
Suggestion: drop "hairy".
You wrote: A bear cub ventured out of a cave to Jakes right and gazed at him. Jakes should be Jake's.
You Wrote: Callore's rosy cheeks flushed, and emerald bedroom eyes glued on Jake, smiled and waved. Suggestion: Consider dropping
You Wrote: Eva bit her red lips and clung to her husband. He held her voluptuous shaped body and kissed her pale delicate skinned forehead.
If I were you, I'd consider dropping "voluptuous shaped" And, I'd
describe her skin as pale-skinned.
You Wrote: Callore threw herself into Jake's arms and held him. He cupped his hand and lifted her chin. He kissed her on the lips. "When I get back I want to ask you something."
Suggestion: drop "cupped."
'You Wrote-->Jake glanced over at his parents and shook his head. "No, it can wait till I get back.""Then you better make sure you come back sweetheart," she growled as she grabbed his penis< this is not at all how you've written this story so far. This doesn't seem like a good match with this story.
You wrote: A bear cub ventured out of a cave to Jakes right
Suggestion: Jakes should be Jake's.
You Wrote: concur other creatures' territory, for some reason, they kept to this agreement.
Suggestion: do you mean conquer ?
You Wrote: the general took to strides towards her and lifted her up by her shirtfront.
Suggestion: do you want to say: the general took two strides ?