I know where you're coming from. I've been married for the last four decades to the same man and let me tell you. Our love for each other is truly sweeter as the years go by.
At first I thought I would get tired of living with the same man and might decide to bail out at some point. But by God's grace, our love has grown deeper as we raised three beautiful daughters over the years. They gave us nine grandchildren who are sources of joy.
Today, we are empty nesters and we are enjoying each other just like when we first feel in love!
At any rate, your organization is good. I like your style. And I didn't find any typos or misspellings. I'm good at spotting them, you know.
Thanks for sharing a delightful account of what true means to you.
I like the way you develop your scenes. You have a knack in creating imagery.
Here are a few minor things I noticed that escaped your eyes that you might want to straighten out. My suggestions are enclose in brackets [ ] .
"She was the one who always seems to keep things in order, so effortlessly." ["seemed" - past tense]
"Though their exact intent is unknown as years of acid rain has removed all character from their faces." [Fragment]
"Yuki wishes to stay, and allow their mantras to quieten her spirit, but she moves on for fear of being cheap, she has no money to pay them." [A little awkward. Either break this into two sentences or switch the last two ideas around. Example: Yuki wishes to stay, and allow their mantras to quieten her spirit. She has no money to pay them, so she moves on for fear of looking cheap.]
"She carries on through the gate and hands her crumpled ticked over at the counter." [I think you mean "ticket" for ticked.]
"Her face is beautiful, far to pretty to provide pleasant service." [far too pretty]
"these carp" [carps]
"places his hands on either side of her head" [both sides of her head.]
Hi, Tom:
This is a very entertaining tale of woes.
Gosh, you went through a lot! It sounded like a comedy of errors yet, it was more aggravating and frustrating than funny.
Good tension as you laid out the chronological events from anticipation of wonderful days ahead to traumatic bumps and bruises leading to an aborted best laid plans.
It could use a little tightening by cutting down a few "I's" in some areas.
Hi Emily:
The title of this article caught my eye and I wanted to read it until I saw the font used. This kind of font is too taxing to read. Is there a way you can change this to Arial or Times New Roman? Either of these two is a preferred font by editors and publishers, and readers as well.
Hi Erina, I was intrigued by the title of your story. I read it and here's my feedback. Hope this will help in tightening it. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].
along with the heavy winter undergarments she’d wrapped in herself to get to there. [delete the last "to" so it reads, "to get there.:"]
"the air become clearer and she gained a closer look." [replace "become with "became" as it's past tense.]
' few figures lounged causally in small pools used for bathing." [casually.] [This looks to me like a typo.]
"The other, held a cigarette, which she flicked it, and a clump of ash fell and drowned on the floor." [Delete "it" in "flicked it".]
"The feeling of warm water under her toes, the thought of the cold frosty winter outside." [Avoid fragments.]
"She Drew her knees to her chest, " [Do not cap "drew"]"
"That since that's the way things were, it was only up from here, right?" [ typo for "her."]"
"how their morality might differ to hers." [Change "to" to "from" to show contrast.]
"...thought about responding but instead drew her knees closer ..." [ delete but or instead. Do not use both in the same sentence.]
"this women ..." [these women or this woman]
"The women remained unmoved..." [woman]
These are just a few examples of what needs correcting. I'm not going into all of them.
Over-all, you have very good organizational writing skills. I suggest, you read your story aloud or have someone read it to you and you listen. I do that. In fact, I record it and listen to it. It helps parse wordiness. Most importantly, proofread before posting. There is always one or two that gets by, especially with auto-correct spellcheck. Try to catch these pesky little annoyance before broadcasting your piece.
I must say: You can write. All it needs is tightening;paying close attention to grammar, tenses, agreement of subject and verb, and punctuation marks.
I hope these are helpful suggestions.
Child abuse and wife-beating are usually associated with alcoholism. It has plague families for ages. You have created characters to fit the scene of this tempestous family unit. The tension is thick which grips the reader with mixed feelings: empathy, anger, resignation - all woven into one ball of fire directed towards the alcoholic father. Mom and daughter's death were untimely and unavenged. But for the childlike trust and faith, mother and daughter couldn't have found comfort in the loving arms of God.
Well done. Some areas need tightening. I suggest reading it aloud. It helps in parsing unnecessary words.
In this part of the sentence, the word "rippled" should be "ripple."
"..as if my death was little more than a rippled in an ocean filled with waves."
Is this fiction or non-fiction? As narrated in first person's point of view, it sounds credible and authentic. You have laid out a series of happenings in your life that make the succeeding events logical. In addition, you have created tension that hooks the reader to the end.
I watch Investigation Discovery and all those crime documentaries every night. In fact, my husband, who used to be uninterested with what I watch is now addicted and watches with me. I got a convert!
So, if this story is for real, the only question left for me to ask is: How did you get away with it, seeing that you're free? Fiction, right?
Some areas need tightening. Over-all, it's worth revisiting and embellishing.
Wow! What a tender love story. You had me hooked from beginning to end.
Content is good. Story moves. And it grips!
My suggestion for improvement: Proofreading would be a help before posting. I find "then" used twice which should have been "than" in the following sentences:
"...I love you more then anything."
"My heart raced more then ever as it became clear it was the woman I loved so much and missed.."
Some areas need tightening. Reading aloud can help find redundant words that can be deleted.
Over all, it's a poignant story that grips the reader's sensibilities.
Wow! What a nightmare that was! I'm not a fan of Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Ghosts stories but your story took me for an almost never-ending ride. My curiousity kept me reading until I knew how the nightmare ended. It was like watching a horror movie and I was at the edge of my seat until the end.
A couple of areas stopped me that you might want to take a look to fix, such as the following:
"The other end of the roped was tied around the ceiling fan." (My suggestion: remove the "d" from "roped" as this is a noun in this sentence.)
"The rest was covered a mask that wouldn't look out of place in a New Year's Eve ball." An article or a connecting word is missing between "covered" and "a mask." (My suggestion: How about, "The rest was covered with a mask...")
These are minor issues that can be easily fixed. They could be mere victims of "auto-correct spellcheck" because your story flowed flawlessly except for these two examples that caught the critical side of my brain.
Over-all, you're a very good story teller of this genre. You have talent. Keep it up. You could soon end up with the Best Sellers.
I've been here a little over a month and I found writing.com an interactive place to be. I have mentioned writing.com in my writing workshops at our county library and at Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, an extension of our State University.
I am a member of a Pen to Page ongoing writing workshop, offered to people over fifty, for the pure joy of learning.
Some of my friends showed interest. I have successfully recruited one and he signed up a week ago.
I'll find out at our workshop today whether more have signed up or not.
I am pleased to recommend writing.com every time an opportunity presents itself.
Thanks for your encouragement. This is where I belong!
This is a beautiful poetic interpretation of that encounter between Jesus (the saint) and the woman (the sinner) with the backdrop of the hypocritical scribes and Pharisees...
It seems to me that this woman was the same woman at the well, where Jesus asked her for a drink of water. She hesitated because she said she was a Samaritan while Jesus was a Jew. Furthermore, she claimed to have no husband but Jesus told her she had five husbands. That made her realize Jesus was no ordinary human being. She was converted, then, went out to tell everyone about it.
Three fourths of the chapter dealt with this Samaritan woman and the resulting conversion of not just herself but many Samaritans as well. John 4:7-39.
I like the flow of your poetic version. It's poignant.
Let me share with you my observations from reading this poem. You might want to take a second look at these two areas where I stumbled, which are the following:
1) But though of my love
That unceasingly has lingered in the depths of my heart
I shall never forget
My comment: Perhaps "though" is just a typo - Did you mean "thought?" "But thought of my love..."
2) At one time we fought
A brutal war that was left its scars on our hearts
But we made it out of the gloomy tunnel with nothing
My comment: The line, "A brutal war that was left its scars on our hearts" Should "was" be "has?" Then it would read,
"A brutal war that has left its scars on our hearts."
Were these two spellings intentional? If not, they're probably victims of "auto-correct spell check." I hate auto-correct with a passion. I wish there is a way to skip that default process.
Be that as it may, your message is poignant. Write on!
While your initial interest in writing was planted because of the scribblings you did on the newspapers you delivered everyday, my interest in writing started with reading illustrated Bible stories in Sunday School. It graduated to reading Classic Fairy Tales and comic books in the primary and elementary grades.
Understand that I was born and raised in the Philippine Islands. That means, we speak a language all our own. But when I started school, English was adopted as a medium of instruction. Therefore, we were taught English side by side with our own. Thanks to the friendship and influence of the USA in the islands.
My love in learning the English language took a big hunk of my formative years in the educational system. I couldn't put a book down. it became an excuse for me from doing errands at home. Every time my mother called me to do something for her, I always heard my father say, " Leave her alone. She's reading." So I hid behind the book!
Out of this, a seed was planted deep within me. I started fantasizing that the cover of the book had my Byline on it. I always looked forward to homework assignments that required to submit essays or book reports. After a while when that did not satisfy me anymore, I pored over magazines, looking for a Pen Pal section. I wanted to communicate with an English-speaking person.
That started my letter-writing journey that carried me away from the Islands into New England, USA, in 1973.
As I started to acclimate into the English-speaking society, I had difficulty in joining the mainstream with my foreign accent. I resolved to learn it because that ember in me did not die. It pestered me. It wanted to come out of the shadows after forty years in hiding. I have a ton of stories to write about. And they are all screaming to be told.
Imagine my excitement when I bumped into Writing.com and finding that I can get help in honing my writing skills.
So, here I am. I'm coming out of my shell. Thanks to you and your encouragement. I'm establishing my home here. Voila!
Wow! Very impressive work of Sci-Fi writing. You make your inanimate and robotic characters behave like human beings. You have a gift of imagination that's empowering. Moreover, your use of dialogue make them come alive. Punctuations are apropriately and effectively used as well.
With your knack for writing, you're headed towards a best-seller in bookstands, I hope.
I'm not a Sci-Fi fan, but your delivery shown in this sample piece is giving me a second thought, pivoting towards reading them from time to time.
So, did this piece win the Short Story contest? I'm curious to know.
Fate comes in mysterious and unpredictable ways and circumstances. It comes when we least expect it. Your scenario is a good example for it. It's also a pleasant thing when it comes at a low point in our lives and it takes us out of our foreboding.
Nice work with the limited words the contest allowed.
Nice hook. Flashlights and lighthouses juxtaposed! Your narration carried me away out into the deep seas in the dark of night. But for the lighthouse, I would never have found my way back.
Not only is your article intriguing, it is also educational and informative. Giving a background on how lighthouses came about makes it valuable to the inquisitive reader.
You see, my husband and I love collecting miniature lighthouses. I love Lighthouse calendars. In fact, I have a book on lighthouses, titled, "The Ultimate Book of Lighthouses" compiled by Samuel Willard Crompton and Michael J. Rhein. It contains history, legend, lore, design, technology and romance. It is all encompassing.
I gave this book to my husband. Inside the cover, I wrote," Here's something to complete your Lighthouse collection."
I find your argument very compelling. Most likely, it's because I am a believer in the existence of God.
Here's my take away from behaviours of pre-historic humans, long before there were books to read, churches and temples to worship in, or educational institutions to study science and all those disciplines:
Man, found a way to seek a higher power; man worshipped nature; man made images likened to an unseen being. Why? Because man found his limits. There is something out there that he cannot comprehend; finding that not one person on earth before his time ever lived forever opened his eyes to the reality that there is a power above him and over him who is in control.
Science does not negate the existence of God. It supports the Biblical account. The only way Science can prove itself to be the source of absolute truth is when it can find a way to make human beings eternal and immortal.
Did you watch the debate between Bill Nye (the Scientist) and Ken Ham (the promoter of Creationism)? They had good arguments on either side. It's up to the audience to decide who was more compelling than the other. And I chose Ken Ham's because he is a firm believer of the Genesis account of how our world was created.
Thanks for sharing your treatise. It's informative, educational and enlightening. Keep it up.
Very impressive work. You nailed your one-syllable story down pat from the point of view of a teen-ager. A high school student with limited vocabulary is the perfect choice for your character.
That's a challenging task to undertake. I looked at every word in every sentence and in every paragraph. Read it over again. I couldn't find two-syllable words - here, there, anywhere!
I enjoyed your conversational style of writing. It's very entertaining and engaging. Sounds like you and I are having a girlie talk over a cup of coffee.
Let me tell you a secret. I had tummy tuck and I never regretted the cost. It was worth every penny I had saved to get the procedure done. I felt good about myself again after the extra bulge was removed.
So my question to you is: Did you go through the scalpel after you wrote this musing whether you want it or not? I'm curious to know how you end up deciding what to do.
It's a fun read. Do you have more to share? Okay.. I'll go check your portfolio.
I find your letter very interesting and revealing. You are more tolerant than me when it comes to Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on my door. I admire your openness and friendliness towards these "uninvited" Saturday morning visitors. My husband is kind, friendly and polite as well towards them. He engages them in casual conversations, just outside, on the front porch, though. We agreed that we cannot let them in. If we do, they will take our whole day talking about issues that neither of us can get an advantage over.
Your presentation is well done, although I disagree with your premise that Jesus was born a bastard; also, how can a buddhist be a catholic at the same time? I don't think you will receive blessings from the Pope of Rome if you tell him you're Buddhist/Catholic. He'll most likely excommunicate you. Seriously.
I like your use of punctuations, such as quotation marks, colon, and bullets. They make your points stand out.
Over-all, you presented your letter well and I hope your friends got your point across.
Can you help me in formatting? I have difficulty with my dialogues. The "tab" does not seem to work each time I tab for a new paragraph. My new paragraphs are not aligned. What am I doing wrong? I'm referring to what I just submitted, titled, "Honk, If You Like Rush." Can't get the ID# while I'm in this screen. I'll come back and link it if you want me to. Thanks.
Very informative and instructional. Well presented. Thank you for taking the time to guide the reviewer in evaluating submissions for feedback.
Truthfully, I joined writing.com for feedback because I cannot see my own mistakes. I find it helpful when my work is viewed from an objective and critical eye.
It's getting clearer in this segment that Grief and Katy's husband, Alain, are one and the same but the author needs to find a way to tie them together; unless, Alain have a split personality: one that is down-to-earth and the other one, grief-stricken. Nevertheless, these two characters need to be reconciled in the reader's mind.
Also, dialogues help your characters come to life. Inject dialogues to break the monotone of narration.
If the reader of your story is like me, I would have numerous questions you as the author have to answer, such as:
1) Who is the "He" in this statement,"He recalled her writhing from side to side, as she experienced contraction after contraction"?
2) Is it Grief?
3) Why is Grief a "he" in your story?
4) And how do you know what he recalled or where he sits, etc?
Finally,
5) Is Grief evolving as Katy's husband?
If your husband is personified by Grief, my suggestion would be to have your husband be there right from the start. Show him as a supportive, loving and caring husband who is there for you at every turn. Grief emanating from his countenance can surface at every devastating report from the doctors as they come in all through the ordeal.
The story would be more convincing for me, if Grief and your husband were treated this way. Then, they can behave interchangeably without interrupting the reader's interest.
Look it over again and see if you can give if another angle. Like I say, that's just my suggestion.
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