I'm not a poet and I envy folks who are gifted with poetic gab. I enjoy reading poetry and memorized most of them from my English Literature in High School. Is it any wonder, I stopped in to read your contribution.
This poem is insightful. I can identify with the poet's imagery in as much as I grew up in an environment similar to your description of the place where you grew up in.
The only area where you might want to take a second look is the fourth sentence of the first paragraph where you say,
"On Poverty standards. Woken up to cows on my from lawn,"
Here is my comment regarding the above line :
Was saying "from" lawn - intentional? Because if it is, then, you must have a reason for wording it that way. I can surmise it is to show broken English? Otherwise, if it is not intentional, which could mean a mere typo, then, replace it with "front" to make sense of the sentence. Thus, it would read,
"On Poverty standards. Woken up to cows on my front lawn,"
What a wonderful testimony. The power of prayer and fasting worked in kicking a dirty habit (expensive, to boot), in your life. How many can openly admit that? I can see why you were not transparent about how you did it. You were afraid of ostracism, right?
When you came to your senses, though, you realized you lied to yourself as much as you lied to people around you. Writing about it became your catharsis, freeing you from your guilt of lying. Your faith in Christ has made your spirit strong, indeed.
As far as looking at the mechanics of your writing, I see minor glitches in grammar and punctuations that can be easily fixed. Having your work go through Spelling and Grammar Check can minimize, if not eliminate, these pesky little critters. Here are some examples: (My suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].)
Recently, I was fortunate enough to quit smoking cigarettes. [Put comma after "Recently"]
Ten days later, on the twenty-first, that date the Mayan calendar ended, I smoked my last cigarette.[Put comma in between separate clauses for clarity.]
A lot of people are trying doctor prescribed drugs, like Chantix. [Put a comma between "drugs" and "like."]
Nothing could be further from the truth.[This is a cliche'. Try to stay away from them.]
but at the time, it was important to me. [Notice where I inserted a comma.]
When I decided to quit, I prayed, [Another comma use.]
I hope the above observations and suggestions will propel you to look at your writing closer and hone your skills.
Keep writing. Your on the right track .The more you write, the better you will be.
How tragic indeed that behind the facade of a clown is the real person nobody cares to know or see. How much more tragic is it when the clown has reconciled with himself as nothing more than a clown?
I like the way you characterized the emotions of the clown in his internal consciousness. I think, you can expand this piece by showing detailed scenes not just snippits.
You have a wealth of material to make a big production of the inner struggles of the clown juxtaposed with his surroundings. I challenge you to try it!
I'm impressed with your creativity. Love your coined word, "A-pork-alypse." That's a classic!
You have a good command of the use of punctuations. Although, you might have overused the ellipsis.
I was intrigued with the clever twist in the end. It started serious and ended with tongue in cheek punchline. Or, at least, that's how I perceived it.
Brilliant! I would love to read your other writings.
Are you just ranting to release your pent-up emotions, or, do you want to expand on this rich landscape of emotions? I say that because you could take advantage of the situation and develop it into a big production.
There's so much to address here: build your characters, use dialogues, show ups and downs, pitfalls of dating, and so much more. Don't forget to inject humor to amuse yourself and your readers.
I challenge you to expound on your experiences and inner struggles. You can find it therapeutic. In fact, it can be a catharsis, giving you release and healing.
Don't forget to let me know you did. I want to read it.
I'm one curious cat. I wander around, looking for materials to read in our writing community. Is it any wonder I came across your Quiet House and paused to satisfy my curiosity?
I like how you characterized your house. I can see how your heart is deeply rooted in that haven of yours. Your message is coming through.
I do have to point out that when you refer to the noise the house makes, it's spelled "creak." ("Creek" is a narrow and winding passage of water or a stream.) Spelling do make a difference in the writing world.
Overall, you have conveyed words from your head on to a page effectively.
Keep up the good work. The more you do it the better your writing will be.
Have you noticed I'm becoming your fan? Love reading your entertaining, tongue-in-cheek handling of day to day mundane interactions and relationships, turning them into interesting written expositions.
It's funny. Let me tell you. One afternoon, our elderly neighbor across the street took his dog for a daily walk . He was unaware that I was relaxing on the back patio, watching the world go by. His dog did a jobbie in my yard and he said to her, "Good job, Princess. You're a good girl."
"Oh yeah? On my lawn?" I said.
Looking up with a wry smile, he said, "It's O.K. I'll pick it up."
If I wasn't there, do you think he would clean it up? We can only guess what the answer is, right?
Anyway, back to your piece.There was only one instance where I was kicked out. But it is minor that it can be fixed so easily. I enclose my comments in brackets [ ].
"They always have their sleeves rolled up, you'll notice that their forearms are all corded muscle, and they have hands as big as hams."
[Try to break this into two sentences: "They always have their sleeves rolled up. You'll notice that their forearms are all corded muscle, and they have hands as big as hams."]
That's about it, Simple Dykie. You're getting to be a pro!
I always enjoy your engaging sense of humor. Very entertaining. It hooks the reader to the end. I noticed few glitches that can be easily fixed, such as the following: (My comments and suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ]
1) "I made a mental note to again put fixing the doorbell on my to-do list. " [Somehow, something is missing in this sentence. Is it, "I made a mental note to not put off again fixing the doorbell on my to-do list?"]
2) " They must have been a culinary genius." [Would this sound better if you revised it to say, "They must have been culinary geniuses?" Refer to agreement of subjects and verbs.]
3) "If you answered never to each question then you got it right". [Enclosing "then" in commas allows a pause and clarifies the thought. "If you answered never to each question, then, you got it right."]
At any rate, you're good at what you're good at. (Pun intended.)
I totally agree with your proposal to do away with the Electoral College. It doesn't make sense that our individual vote for the presidency amounts to nothing. What's the point? Just to make us feel good that we were given an opportunity to express our preference only to thumb their noses at us? We might as well stay home and twiddle our thumbs!
That's my take regarding this exercise in futility!
I read this introduction with keen interest. It's a good beginning. I like the image you created in Tsunamii's dream. Good use of description in your sceneries.
I see minor glitches in sentence and paragraph construction. They can be easily fixed with proofreading one more time before clicking Submit. I'm showing some examples below. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].
"As the she got closer though one of the women looked up at her and became frightened, she said something to the other women, who in turn glanced up and seeing Sunamii became fearful as well and scattered towards their individual tents."
[Delete "the" and "though" or put a comma after "though" and break these into three sentences. It will read better this way, "As she got closer though, one of the women looked up at her and became frightened. She said something to the other women, who in turn glanced up. Seeing Sunamii became fearful as well,they scattered toward their individual tents.]
"He was wearing an unbuttoned long sleeved black jacket with a white lapels," [Delete "a" for agreement of number, to read, "with white lapels," or remove "s" in lapels to read "with a white lapel."]
"As she got closer she could just make out their uniforms," [Insert a comma in between closer and she.]
These are just suggestions. Perhaps you have a valid reason to construct your sentence the way you did. It's up to you to incorporate changes.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this horrific dream. I'll come back later and read the sequel to this.
You kept my interest with the twists and turns of events in the life of a psychotic police officer. Every chapter prompted me to keep on reading. I wanted to find out how Helen (aka Fiona) resolved her demons in the end. What a tragic ending. It depressed me. I was hoping for an upbeat resolution.
You put a lot of work into this story. I wonder how you can effectively fictionalize a story and make it authentic. Good work.
As to the mechanics of writing, I just have a couple of things to point out (in brackets), such as the following:
"Begging your pardon, Sir, but it is," I told her once. [Is "Sir"a standard title used for both men and women in the force? Just curious.]
"...wives should not be allowed to make decide this, even when well qualified." [Revise this sentence. Delete either "make" or "decide" and reconstruct.]
Those are the ones that kicked me out momentarily.
Overall, it's well done. Stay the course. I hope to see your name in the Bestseller list someday!
I read this piece twice to understand the message you're trying to convey. I'm not sure where you're going with this because you labeled it as prose but you formatted it akin to a free verse. The content is poignant. It touches the reader's sensibilities.
With regards to the mechanism of writing, I'm kicked out because of missing punctuation marks and paragraphing necessary to get your message across. I'm enclosing in brackets [ ] my suggestions in the following examples:
Possessive noun need apostrophies/A couple are minor typos.
A little girls voice cried out to me, [girl's]
I'm not a sparrow who,s calling you, [who's]
I don';t take children away, from someones heart, [don't/someone's]
I don't know if you intentionally used a small letter in the beginning of these sentences:
for days I wondered what had happened, [For]
but upon my bed where I lied dying, [But]
Take another look at this and see if you can spot areas that need apropriate punctuation marks and paragraphing for transition of thought...
I hope you'll find these suggestions helpful in honing your writing skills because you have poignant messages to share.
I take it, this is fiction, right? Is it a product of pure imagination based on juvenile experiences? You have a good command of writing techniques. Good dialogues, good use of punctuation, and good imagery.
Additionally, maintaining first person point of view is a skill you mastered. I'm impressed.
I'm not particularly fun of horror stories, but now, I'm starting to appreciate it because of the hard work the author puts into it.
I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.
Here are some comments for you to consider and chew on as you progress into your writing endeavors, especially if you're aiming to be published. I hope you'll find this helpful.
*Content -
Great is your faith that it has carried you through your difficult journey. Indeed, God has a way of strengthening our faith when we lay all our burdens to Him. He knows the way to the wilderness. All we have to do is follow, right?
One thing that perplexed me is the fact that your baby's deformity (I hope this is not an offensive word because I couldn't find a substitute for it), was not corrected right at birth. The State of California is sensitive to this birth defect issue. My best friend had the same problem with her son. He underwent multiple surgeries to correct it since birth until he was twelve years old, at no cost to her. It was fully funded by the State. He is one happy fellow now with a little scar in his beautiful smile.
Let me point out that you have combined two separate issues into one piece of work.It kicks the reader out. One, your struggle with a baby with cleft lip/cleft palate; and two, your mother-in-law with health issues. You can tighten this by making a transition to bridge the two; otherwise, deal with these separately.
*Mechanics -Pay close attention to pesky grammar and punctuations.
*Syntax - Good
*Dialogue - Try to inject dialoguing to liven up your characters.
Over-all, you succeeded in reaching the outcome of your original premise.
With practice, you're on your way to a satisfactory output. Keep up the good work!
Just to let you know I find this Table of Contents very helpful in navigating this huge cyber-sphere!
Thanks to you and your sidekicks in pursuing this vision to help a community of wanna-be writers. We have to start from somewhere and your insight has pave the way!
More power to you. We'll be together around for sometime with a common cause.
After having been here for a couple of months, I'm getting comfortable finding my way around. Glad to see this Review Tool for reference. I'll focus on this today and set up my Review Template.
Gosh, I can't believe how my confidence is building up since the day I joined writing.com!
I'm indeed pleased to be a part of this writing community.
My promise? I'll be around for a long, long time. And that may be forever! Voila!
I know where you're coming from. I've been married for the last four decades to the same man and let me tell you. Our love for each other is truly sweeter as the years go by.
At first I thought I would get tired of living with the same man and might decide to bail out at some point. But by God's grace, our love has grown deeper as we raised three beautiful daughters over the years. They gave us nine grandchildren who are sources of joy.
Today, we are empty nesters and we are enjoying each other just like when we first feel in love!
At any rate, your organization is good. I like your style. And I didn't find any typos or misspellings. I'm good at spotting them, you know.
Thanks for sharing a delightful account of what true means to you.
I like the way you develop your scenes. You have a knack in creating imagery.
Here are a few minor things I noticed that escaped your eyes that you might want to straighten out. My suggestions are enclose in brackets [ ] .
"She was the one who always seems to keep things in order, so effortlessly." ["seemed" - past tense]
"Though their exact intent is unknown as years of acid rain has removed all character from their faces." [Fragment]
"Yuki wishes to stay, and allow their mantras to quieten her spirit, but she moves on for fear of being cheap, she has no money to pay them." [A little awkward. Either break this into two sentences or switch the last two ideas around. Example: Yuki wishes to stay, and allow their mantras to quieten her spirit. She has no money to pay them, so she moves on for fear of looking cheap.]
"She carries on through the gate and hands her crumpled ticked over at the counter." [I think you mean "ticket" for ticked.]
"Her face is beautiful, far to pretty to provide pleasant service." [far too pretty]
"these carp" [carps]
"places his hands on either side of her head" [both sides of her head.]
Hi, Tom:
This is a very entertaining tale of woes.
Gosh, you went through a lot! It sounded like a comedy of errors yet, it was more aggravating and frustrating than funny.
Good tension as you laid out the chronological events from anticipation of wonderful days ahead to traumatic bumps and bruises leading to an aborted best laid plans.
It could use a little tightening by cutting down a few "I's" in some areas.
Hi Emily:
The title of this article caught my eye and I wanted to read it until I saw the font used. This kind of font is too taxing to read. Is there a way you can change this to Arial or Times New Roman? Either of these two is a preferred font by editors and publishers, and readers as well.
Hi Erina, I was intrigued by the title of your story. I read it and here's my feedback. Hope this will help in tightening it. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].
along with the heavy winter undergarments she’d wrapped in herself to get to there. [delete the last "to" so it reads, "to get there.:"]
"the air become clearer and she gained a closer look." [replace "become with "became" as it's past tense.]
' few figures lounged causally in small pools used for bathing." [casually.] [This looks to me like a typo.]
"The other, held a cigarette, which she flicked it, and a clump of ash fell and drowned on the floor." [Delete "it" in "flicked it".]
"The feeling of warm water under her toes, the thought of the cold frosty winter outside." [Avoid fragments.]
"She Drew her knees to her chest, " [Do not cap "drew"]"
"That since that's the way things were, it was only up from here, right?" [ typo for "her."]"
"how their morality might differ to hers." [Change "to" to "from" to show contrast.]
"...thought about responding but instead drew her knees closer ..." [ delete but or instead. Do not use both in the same sentence.]
"this women ..." [these women or this woman]
"The women remained unmoved..." [woman]
These are just a few examples of what needs correcting. I'm not going into all of them.
Over-all, you have very good organizational writing skills. I suggest, you read your story aloud or have someone read it to you and you listen. I do that. In fact, I record it and listen to it. It helps parse wordiness. Most importantly, proofread before posting. There is always one or two that gets by, especially with auto-correct spellcheck. Try to catch these pesky little annoyance before broadcasting your piece.
I must say: You can write. All it needs is tightening;paying close attention to grammar, tenses, agreement of subject and verb, and punctuation marks.
I hope these are helpful suggestions.
Child abuse and wife-beating are usually associated with alcoholism. It has plague families for ages. You have created characters to fit the scene of this tempestous family unit. The tension is thick which grips the reader with mixed feelings: empathy, anger, resignation - all woven into one ball of fire directed towards the alcoholic father. Mom and daughter's death were untimely and unavenged. But for the childlike trust and faith, mother and daughter couldn't have found comfort in the loving arms of God.
Well done. Some areas need tightening. I suggest reading it aloud. It helps in parsing unnecessary words.
In this part of the sentence, the word "rippled" should be "ripple."
"..as if my death was little more than a rippled in an ocean filled with waves."
Is this fiction or non-fiction? As narrated in first person's point of view, it sounds credible and authentic. You have laid out a series of happenings in your life that make the succeeding events logical. In addition, you have created tension that hooks the reader to the end.
I watch Investigation Discovery and all those crime documentaries every night. In fact, my husband, who used to be uninterested with what I watch is now addicted and watches with me. I got a convert!
So, if this story is for real, the only question left for me to ask is: How did you get away with it, seeing that you're free? Fiction, right?
Some areas need tightening. Over-all, it's worth revisiting and embellishing.
Wow! What a tender love story. You had me hooked from beginning to end.
Content is good. Story moves. And it grips!
My suggestion for improvement: Proofreading would be a help before posting. I find "then" used twice which should have been "than" in the following sentences:
"...I love you more then anything."
"My heart raced more then ever as it became clear it was the woman I loved so much and missed.."
Some areas need tightening. Reading aloud can help find redundant words that can be deleted.
Over all, it's a poignant story that grips the reader's sensibilities.
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