Hi tYpO Boilerman,
On behalf of Game of Thrones and WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm roaming around, looking for materials to read and review. Charley's Story caught my curiosity and decided to stop in for a visit.
Here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement.
*Content: It's a very touching story. Fighting for survival as a street person is indeed a challenge as shown in Charley's daily struggles. Moreover, he was not fending for himself alone; he was also caring for his companions that he considered "family." What made Charley stood out was his faith in God and his resolve to get out of homelessness at some point in the not-to-distant future. The reader can emphatize with Charley's predicament and hopes to see him succeed in the end. Charley was not lucky in that area but he left footprints along the way that gave his family something to meditate on and to emulate.
*Mechanics/Syntax: There were some awkward sentences that needed tightening.
*Dialogue: You have employed dialoguing that puts the reader in your character's shoes.
*Punctuation: If there is anything you need help in your writing, it's in the area of punctuations and transitions. In addition, break down long sentences into two or three short ones for brevity. Let me give you some examples. My comments/suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ] and color-coded green.
Feeling as if he was being watched[,] he looked around and spotted Mellott, staring at him. [Insert comma]
At 45[forty-five,] he looked more like [60][sixty] and he had more grey hair every day. [Insert comma][The rule in the presentation of numbers is to spell out from one to ninety-nine except in business-related, technical and scientific documents.]
As he passed the freeway exit by the overpass[,] he thought back to the time when he lived in the bushes in the center of this exit, that was[,] until the night a drunk driver lost control or his car, rolled over and wound up in those bushes[,] missing Charley but not Big Mike. [Either revise or insert comma where I indicated.]
"Pastor George had spoke over Mike; talked about his life[:] where he came from[,] who he was[,] and said a prayer. He didn’t pray for Mike, no, he prayed that each person there would come to know Mike’s Lord."
[Use of punctuation marks in the right breaks and pauses, helps clarify the context of the sentence.]
He didn’t push him on anyone[,]though, he just let them know where he stood, and where they stood, if they would listen.[Insert comma]
Finally arriving at the Waffle House[,]he bent down and began to pick up trash. [Insert comma.]
Next[,]he took the hose and washed down the sidewalks around and in front of the restaurant.[Insert comma.]
What Charley wanted most in the world was to get his life back together and get off [of][delete] the streets but not until Mack and Emma were taken care of.
Mack was so thankful that they pretended to be blind to [dog][Dog].
“You got any money[,] pop?”[Insert comma.]
“Well, too bad for you[,] pop, and too bad for your [sorry looking][sorry-looking] dog.”
“You sure you don’t have any money[,] pop,” the boy with the hose snarled.[Insert comma.]
Emma was about seventy-five feet away, on the opposite side of the street from Charley[ from][and] Mack.[Delete the second "from']
There he was again, [the angel,] a good looking man with long white hair wearing white flowing robes.
Dog actually got up and went with [the Angel.][Why is the "angel" in caps here and not in other references to it?]
They walked quietly together[,][.] [not speaking][delete]
“Mind if I sit down[,][?]” he asked[?][.][Have period and question mark switch places.]
It was a good thing that Mr. Bill had left a big straw hat for him, the sun was particularly brutal [today][that day].
“Did you already[ pick up][clean] the parking lot?”['pick up the parking lot' sounds stilted.]
Miss Linda was all smiles as she handed Charley the bag.[”][delete]
Besides we would pay a landscaper three times [than][insert]that for what you did today.”
“You have paid me[more than][insert] three times [that][delete] with the work boots and the socks.”
“Good, cause I’ve been wanting to make [a] fried chicken dinner and [a] cherry pie.” [delete article on both instances.]
“So strange you should ask[.]The] lady who gave me the new shoes once asked me that.”
“Then it's your own fault [then][that] your life turned out like this?” [Replace "then" with "that"]
“Well,” Charley coughed up some more blood,[ “I’ve][delete][I] was suicidal once, right after my wife died. [Now][delete], I’ve been plenty discouraged, but I have enough hope to get through each day.”
Charley felt the pressure on his body bear down hard on him as pain swept over him in a storm that seemed to last for a long moment[,][.][he][He] closed his eyes and rested[.] [Somewhere in the distance,] a thought came that maybe he had just passed out.
Mack, began to cry and [held] Charley.
*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away
The above is one reader's point of view. It does not reflect a vast majority of perspectives from other readers. In the grand scheme of things, you're the best judge in finetuning your piece. I hope pointing out those pesky little things will help in tightening the rough edges and make it hum.
Good story. I was hooked.
QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable ** |
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| (3.5)
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