*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geomayr/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19
Review Requests: ON
1,114 Public Reviews Given
1,117 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 15 16 17 18 -19- 20 21 22 ... Next
451
451
Review of Moments of Gold  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jack,

On behalf of Game of Thrones and WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm wandering around looking for materials to read and review. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here's my take away on this excellent work you contributed.

*Content: Indeed babies know how to communicate in their own little way. As we are aware through life's interactions, communication is not all words. They're movements, actions, commonly called "body language." In fact, we know that "action speaks louder than words" as some wise saying goes. Indeed your title is apropos juxtaposed with your name, Max Goldman. How fitting!

And we do learn a whole lot from children. "Out of the mouths of babes" as the Bible says, we gain wisdom and understanding.

As far as Mechanics and Syntax go, you're doing fine.

A suggestion to consider:
*Employment of dialogue may add more interaction to the body of the story and give the reader access to the traits and personalities of your characters.

Pictures you provided speak volumes. They add richness to your work. What do they say? "Pictures tell a thousand words"?

*Disclaimer: The above comments are merely from one reader's point of view. They do not in any way represent perspectives of other readers out there.

*Over-all take away: Being a grandmother of nine, ranging from ages five months to eighteen years old, I enjoyed reading this piece. Grandchildren are indeed blessings to savor in our senior years. Did you submit this to Countrymom/Seniors Forum? It might get more exposure over where Senior Citizens are congregating.

Keep writing, Max Goldman! Show how rich you have become by interacting with your precious grandchildren. Thanks for sharing your weight in gold!


QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
452
452
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi DRSmith,

I'm reviewing this material on behalf of WDC's Game of Thrones and Power Reviewer's Group.

I find this piece hilarious. Tears are coming out of my eyes from laughing so hard. This scenario reminds me of TV Travel Channel with the narrator/traveler/adventurer eating all the different unusual and
unappetizing-looking food in different countries, which is enough to make the viewer throw up.

*Content: You have captured the mood and appearance of individuals who are stereotyping food served in Chinese restaurants. What strikes me as odd is the fact that they've been there before and came back. They must have liked something, otherwise, they would not have taken a second look after the first experience, right? Or perhaps, it is the "curiosity that killed the cat" which draw them back so they can turn their noses up again; or, to discourage others from coming? The reader can only guess.
"Me and the Mrs. was here two days ago and them there crab legs is still here agin." [So, why did they come back?]

As to mechanics and syntax in wordsmithing, you're skillful in capturing the vernacular of hillbillies and locals in the area as demonstrated in your use of dialoguing.
"I heard they like t’cook' up dogs and stuff, but this is over the line." [As an aside, must not have heard about the Chinese "Pu-Pu Platter with fried cat's legs, have they? LOL.]

Good employment of description in the following examples:
"a couple in matching bib-overalls"
"scraggly-bearded man in oil-stained dungarees"

Your illustrations are also apropos. They lend themselves to the title of your piece, "You Are What You Eat."
*Over-all take away: Funny and entertaining. Try sending this to a Humorous Story Contest. I bet,it will get noticed and receive an award.


QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
453
453
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi dalewarren,

On behalf of The Game of Thrones and WDC Power Reviewer's Group, I'm lurking around looking for materials to review. LOL. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit this piece for revision, tightening, and improvement.

*Content: I have to be honest with you. I kept on wondering what or who the "beast" was until I put two and two together around the middle of the body of this write-up. Once I figured it out, I re-read the whole thing over again. For a simple-minded reader like me, I would probably prefer that the writer was affront on what the exercise bicycle was in the beginning and then at the end make a dramatic reference to it as the "beast" that disabled him; in fact, almost killed him.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
There are minor skirmishes that can be ignored although tightening helps smoothen loose ends. Here's one example:

"The E word." [I think a reference or an explanation for what the "E" word actually means might help clear it instead of leaving it for the reader to guess. The reader may feel as if he/she is being made to work hard in following the author's line of thinking instead of being entertained.]

*Disclaimer
The above is merely one reader's point of view. In the grand scheme of things, you're the best judge in working out loose ends to get the satisfaction of entertaining your readers.

*Over-all take away
What a story! Well, like everything else, all I can tell you is: In anything and everything you do, do it in moderation. That's the ticket to safety and staying away from beastly encounters!

Keep up the good work. You're doing very well.


QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
454
454
Review of Fun With Felines  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi J. A. Buxton,

"Fun with Felines" sounded intriguing. My curiosity got the best of me.

Here's my take away:

After reading this "not too pleasant" experience driving down the freeway caravaning with six cars, each car with a cat in tow, my only question is: why didn't you think of getting a carrying cage to keep them contained in the event they woke up? I can understand the frustration and agitation of your six friends caravaning with meowing cats once the sedation wore off. What I see is poor planning on your part. And worst, not one of the six friends suggested a better plan.

*Dialogue: Perhaps you can show someone suggested crating them and there was discussion back and forth but you did not think it was necessary. Then, an exchange of words as to the agitation of the other drivers when they stopped to consult with you. This is another scene that could have given this story more tension and personality. This was a good opportunity to show reactions from everyone.

As far as *Content *Mechanics *Syntax *Punctuation are concerned, I see nothing significant to change. Your command in this area is good.

*Over-all take away: I did not like the idea that the only reason why you did not move again was because of your unpleasant experience moving with cats. There are better ways to ease the situation. For me, as a reader, the story was teetering between funny and ridiculous. I wanted to laugh but it frustrated me. I don't know if that's the reaction you want from your reader?

[QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
455
455
Review of Breaking Free  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Valenchia,

I'm up and about hunting for materials to read and review on behalf of WDC's Game of Thrones and I found the title of your piece intriguing.

Here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit your work for revision, tightening, and improvement. My comments and suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ]and coded green.

*Content I understand where you're coming from. And I feel your pain. You see, I was also a victim of molestation as a child. It started in the innocence of "playing house" with cousins, which graduated into serious attempts of molestations by neighborhood teens and adults, and ultimately, molestation by a Catholic priest. Fortunately, I was always smart enough to walk away from attempts of sexual abuse. Like you, I never told a soul. I only started opening up when I found genuine love and concern my husband showed me. Now, I cannot shut-up. I want to tell the whole world because I want to make everyone aware that molestations do happen and children don't make them up. And, yes, it's time for you to come out of the shell and find catharsis by writing about it and sharing it. It's the best therapy you can indulge yourself in.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

I never fell in love because I didn’t [understood] what true love meant. [understand]

To survive the fact that it was my brother [that] was abusing me,[who]

Campouts [camp-outs]

Minor players in a whole string. [fragment] [Consider: There were minor players in a whole string of molesters.]

Problem was…I didn’t know who I was. I locked her up in my secret place a long time ago. To break free meant to dig through all those painful memories and that was something I wasn’t quite ready to do.


[Switch in point of view] [Consider: Problem was…I didn’t know who I was. I locked [myself] up in my secret place a long time ago. To break free meant to dig through all those painful memories and that was something I wasn’t quite ready to do.

*Dialogue: Using dialogue gives life to your characters. Look for opportunities to use them.

*Disclaimer: This is one reader's point of view alone. Use what may be helpful in advancing the content and toss aside what you deem insignificant.

*Over-all take away: It's good to see how you can put your ideas from pen to page. That's an accomplishment in itself. Keep writing. Practice makes us better writers.

I wish you the best of luck in your metamorphosis.


QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
456
456
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi fraz,

I'm swinging by looking for materials to review for WDC's Game of Thrones and I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit for revision, tightening, and improvement.

*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax

Booker had three siblings named John, Amanda and James B[,] who was adopted.

Booker T. Washington has made the most motivational speech in [america][America] called the Atlanta Compromise speech which states the phrase “Cast Down Your Bucket, Where You Are” which means that you need to make do with what you have and make the best of it and everything will soon get better. [This long sentence kicked me out for a couple of reasons: 1)Did he deliver one motivational speech over and over again? and, 2) This is a run-on sentence. It needs to be broken down in a couple of sentences. Here's a suggestion if this is what you're trying to explain:

Booker T. Washington has made the most famous motivational speech in America called the Atlanta Compromise speech. In this speech, he coined the phrase “Cast Down Your Bucket, Where You Are” which means that you need to make do with what you have and make the best of it and everything will soon get better.


The Burrough family also had an involvement in the civil war taking place, [such as] the Burrough five sons fighting for what they thought was right in the civil war.[This sentence needs revision. Consider: The Burrough family were involved in the civil war as well. The five Burrough sons fought for what they believed in.]

[The first sentence in your last paragraph is too long. Break it down]

Booker T. Washington was known as one of the most motivational man in that time[,{/c}][.][ people][People] are still touched by his life story from his book “Up From Slavery[.]”[ the][The] Atlanta Compromise speech still lives on as the greatest speech against slavery ever known[,][.][ and][delete][ now][Now] that slavery is [now ][delete]outlawed[,] thanks to the thousands of lives lost and risked during that war[,] people can now be free without fear of being sold or arrested as a slave.

*Punctuation: Use punctuation marks to clarify an idea or point of view. A sentence or paragraph can go on a tangent because of a missing comma or period.

*Disclaimer: This is a feedback from one reader's point of view alone. It's something for you to consider when diagnosing the mechanics and syntax of your work. Pick out what can help improve it and discard what does not enhance the message you want to convey.

*Over-all take away: I love the story about Booker T. Washington. My quote from his literary work is, "Poverty is not a hindrance to success for anyone who is willing to meet the challenge." And that has guided my way in reaching my academic goals. He inspired me to overcome the challenge of being poor and wanting to succeed. He paved the way for my success in life. I must say, Thank
You, Mr. Booker T. Washington for being a good example.

And to you, fraz: You're doing a good job organizing your essay. With a little tightening of loose ends, it can hum. Keep up the good work. You're on the right track.

QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
457
457
Review of G.o.T. Cheers  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cheers to House Martell
QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
458
458
Review of Game of Thrones  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice work, Charlie. I can never walk in your shoes! I'm too slow to organize my work. How long did it take you to do this? An hour or two? It will probably take me a day and a half. LOL.

Anyway, I'm impressed. I'll try to do what you have done. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?

QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
459
459
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Samantha,

Congratulations for getting your book published. That's an achievement worth a shout out!

Here's what I observed from your announcement. These two sentences need a little tweaking, if you're open to feedback and I hope you are.

1) I had recently released my new book [which] [it] [is] called "A Long Journey [to] Home". I suggest you delete "which" "is" "it" and "to" and revise it this way:

I have recently released my new book called "A Long Journey Home."

or, here's an alternative revision:

I have recently released my new book titled,"A Long Journey Home."

2) The title (again) is called "A Long Journey to Home" by Samantha Crystal.[delete "again" "called" and "to" They're unnecessary.]

The title is "A Long Journey Home."


It's a long journey home! (But, well worth it, right?)

QueenOwl
** Image ID #1919873 Unavailable **
460
460
Review of butterflies  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sadie,

I'm QueenOwl of Martell, looking around for something to get my mind busy. I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

Here are some comments/suggestions for you to consider when you decide to revisit this for revision, tightening, and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].

Content: What a poignant story. I'm touched profoundly. I'm so glad that the sad beginning of your life ended happily with the love of your life.

*Mechanics: I noticed switch of tenses with your story time. Stay with past tense if your narrating about the past.

Be careful with capitalization of proper nouns such as the following example:

"His mother moved about six months ago to california."[California]

Punctuations: These marks are so important in clarifying the intent of a sentence, a paragraph or the whole piece of your writing.

When my mom died[,][insert comma] he never left my side.

He didn't want me to feel alone[,]replace with semi-colon[;] and frankly[,][insert comma] [i]replace with[I] didn’t want to be alone.][Capitalize "I" all the time. No exceptions]

“Why are you out here all alone?”[ He]replace with[he] asked. [Do not capitalize tags]

“Oh, I’m just thinking[.]replace with[,]” I answered. [Use comma not period for tags.]

“About what?” [He demanded]replace with [he pursued].["pursued" sounds milder than "demanded"]

[he]replace with[He] had a mischievous smile on his face. [Capitalize beginning of sentence.]

He looked so stunning[,][Insert comma] I couldn’t help but [to][delete] stare.

“Thank you[,]” I blushed.

We drove to the fanciest restaurant in St. Louis. It [is][was] so elegant and expensive. [Switch in tense]

We don’t have to [go]replace with[come] here, we can go somewhere [more]replace with[that's within] our budget.”

During dinner I laughed and smiled the whole time. I [am][was] just so happy. [Switch in tense.]

“[Omy]replace with [Oh, my][dylan][Dylan] watch out!!!” [Always capitalize proper names.]

Am[ i ][I]dead?[Capitalize "I" all the time. No exceptions.]

[she]replace with [She] laughed,[Always capitalize beginning of a sentence.]

[Wheres][Insert apostrophe][Where's] Dylan?[!][Delete exclamation point]”

As [i]replace with[I] ran past a window[,] I noticed him[,] and[I] came to a complete stop.

I saw him [laying]replace with [lying] on a bed,

*Over-all take away: The above examples need clean-up in punctuations and use of dialogue tags. Look them over again and see how you can tighten loose ends. I hope these suggestions will help in improving this writing project.

Work on it. You'll be a pro in no time.

QueenOwl
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1919873 by Not Available.
461
461
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Prince,

I'm QueenOwl of Martell, flying in, looking for interesting pieces to read from your port. I found the title of this piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

*Content: I thought the story started with the narrator in a bad dream. The nightmare unfolds and she fought all the way to the end to save her family from a dreadful vampire. Did I get it so far? Whether she woke up and realized it was only a dream, I'm not sure if I got that part right.

At any rate,here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit for revision, tightening, and improvement. I was kicked out a few times with the following examples I cut and pasted from your piece. My observations/suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].


The men were shocked; perhaps[,] they didn't expect anyone to still be breathing in this room[.]

We're leaving" said the blue haired [women] in a strict tone. [woman]

Slowly I began to slip into darkness, as if I was falling asleep[,]only this time[,] I wouldn't wake up.

Out of the school and on my way home running continuously without [stop.] [stopping]

Blood spattered on the walls[,][;] two bodies lying on the floor unmoving[,[ and a little boy in the clutches of a monster. [Remove the comma and replace it with a semi-colon, then, separate the last two clauses with a comma.]

"Derek, stop speaking[.] [ just] rest okay?" [Capitalize "j"]

Syntax: I spoke in a calm [matter.][manner]

Rage once again took over and in another second I was out the backyard once again shooting a fist towards him. [Once again, rage took over and the next second I was out in the backyard throwing a fist towards him.]

But this time in an instant he grabbed my arm with both of his and twisted it until it broke. [Instantly, he grabbed my arm with his hands and twisted it until it broke.]

Slowly the monster walked [to][delete] towards me, and slowly I let him.

As he kneeled down [a][and?] placed his fangs into my neck, I felt nothing.

[Went][When]the monster and lady were a well distance away from me she [maneuverer][maneuvered] in front of him[,]hand still on his head and brought a fist down sending him flying through the hole out the backyard I had made earlier.

"Are you alright?" spoke the lady in a [clam] voice. [calm]

"More importantly, Violet got away. But it seems we have discovered an ability user[.][,]" she continued. [Who is Violet? If she is Mischenny, her name should have been mentioned earlier not as an after-thought at the end.]

My overall suggestion: Pay close attention to the use of punctuation marks. It can make or break your story. These are minor skirmishes that can be easily fixed with proofreading and paying attention to detail.

Good work. Keep writing. You have the knack. All it needs if clean-up.




QueenOwl
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1919873 by Not Available.
462
462
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi KKH,

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit for revision and improvement.

I can see how serious you are in insisting cremation when you die. I can also see the humor using British accent sprinkled around to make the story lively and interesting.

By the way, you don't necessarily want a Viking funeral, do you? The Vikings wrapped the body, put it in a small boat, send it out into the water, shoot flaming arrows into the boat to set it on fire, and then, watch it sink.This way you have a taste of both hot and cold. LOL.

Anyway, look over the following snippits I took from your story and see if my suggestions would help tighten loose ends. I enclose my suggestions in brackets [ ].

I will say there's more to the cremation thing [then[ just that preservation of dignity. [than]

[cremated] is the way to go [cremation]

I honestly just like fire[.] [Which] seems contradictory considering I rather be cold than hot, I love the snow, and winter is my favorite season. [I honestly just like fire, which seems contradictory...; or/alternatively,replace "which" with "This" to start a new sentence.]

That smart ones always come though [Those smart ones always come,though; or/alt.: The smart ones always come,though.]


You got me hooked, KKH. Get busy with your keyboard and type away. I'm in for the journey.

QueenOwl
A dragon reading a book by candle light
463
463
Review of Charlatan  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Stellerex,

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

*Content : I had difficulty figuring out what was going in the beginning. I was kicked out right off the bat. I had the dictionary beside me to help me with unfamiliar words.

*Mechanics: Flames from his arse [Is "arse" a typo for "ears?"]
but at some point, Melkior relized, [realized]

*Syntax: I was at a loss understanding what "archmages" are. It did not help that I couldn't find the word in the dictionary. Did you mean "archimage" a magician? Then, that makes sense.

*Punctuation: Appropriate punctuation marks were used where applicable.

*Dialogue: Good amount of dialogue revealing characteristic traits of (main and supporting) characters in the story..

*Over-all take away : Tighten loose ends. Proofread. Typos can lurk all over the place unnoticed.

You're on your way to greatness with your fantastic creativity.

QueenOwl
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1919873 by Not Available.
464
464
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi O.D.D.,

I''m not a poet but I love poetry. My words are so dull and ordinary so I look to poetic works for inspiration.
Wandering around, I bumped into yours.

You have captured the beauty of nature and God's creation in your poem. it speaks of the wonders around us that only God can create.

I like the rhythm and the pulse of each verse and the rhyme as a whole.
As far as technicalities of formatting in poetry goes, I'll leave that to experts in the field.
For me, it's enough that you're sharing your appreciation of the beautiful world we live in.

I'll wander into your portfolio some more and see what you have in store, if that's Okay with you?


QueenOwl
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1919873 by Not Available.

A dragon reading a book by candle light
465
465
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sarah,

Good work. I'm with you all the way. This opinion-essay does the job of pointing out how we take things in stride as we nonchalantly do our daily routine without consideration of others. Seems like we have become self-centered and nobody else matters, right? I've been fully retired for five years now, but when I was working, I was always fifteen minutes early, unless, I hit an unusual traffic jam. I believe our self-imposed discipline and work ethic define who we are.

Reminds me of Guy Lombardi. He was always fifteen minutes early wherever he was going. I'm not sure if the new generation know him. He ushered in New Year's Day at the Times Square Garden in New York on New Year's Eve every year. He used to say when you get there on schedule, you're late.

Although there is a twist to this concept brought about by labor unions. They demand that employers pay overtime if employees come in five to seven minutes ahesd of schedule. "On the dot" is what labor unions promote. So, that's the other side to the premise but that's another subject for another time.

You did very well in presenting your premise here. There are areas that need tightening. Overall, it's a fine tongue-in-cheek presentation.

Keep up the good work.
466
466
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Carol, This is a good exercise in writing an essay.

Please take a good look at the following observations I gathered and work on them. Take special notice in the use of punctuation marks. My corrections/suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].

I just sit here in the mist of all the debris...[midst]

I know why I'm so screwed, up who wouldn't be? [screwed up, who wouldn't be?] [transpose the comma]

Mom an alcoholic...[Mom, an alcoholic] [Insert comma]

I met someone that showed me... [Replace "that" with "who"]

The fifth paragraph needs revising. You talked about meeting someone who lives at a corner down your street. [That's singular.] Then you proceeded to say, "a place where their daddies don't use painful words...and their moms hugged their kids..." [How many daddies and moms does this "someone" have in that little house? [plural] Subject and predicate must agree. Work on this]

Well [ , ] I guess for a little while each day, I am[ . ] because I know that when I am in their home I am truly loved. [Sounds like these two sentences are part of each other. Put a comma after "Well" as I have demonstrated and remove the period preceding "because"]

I hope pointing these glitches out to you will help you play close attention to syntax and the mechanics in wordsmithing and propel you to become a skillful writer.

Keep up the good work. You have the spirit.
467
467
Review of Stay  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi jpmurphy,

I'm not a poet and I envy poets who can express their inner depth of emotions in rhyme and rhythm.

I can feel your pain of loss and hear your fervent prayer all the way from beginning to end. However, what stopped me in this poem is the fifth line in every verse when you say, "God please, stay right here, do not disappear" because from a reader's perspective, it sounds like you are asking God, not the person you're having a special relationship with, not to walk away and disappear.

Woud it make a difference if you tweaked the last line to say, "God please, I pray, do not let her disappear..." or, just insert "do not let her" without saying, "I pray" in it?

Hope this minor suggestion helps.
468
468
Review of Holding His Hand  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Chels,

Nice gripping story with potentials.

Here are some of my observations that you might want to look into in order to improve the flow of the story. These are just a few examples I picked.
My suggestions are enclosed in brackets [ ].

We walked in silence, well I was walking, Sebastian was stumbling with every step ever since he decided to escape from the hospital, and I didn't know how far we would go. ["well I was walking" kicked me out. Does not work for me. How about replacing "well" with "while"?]

Two hours later is when I couldn't take the bleak silence anymore, so I stopped walking and forced myself to stand face to face with him.
[Delete "is"and "so" in the sentence.]

vibrant green eyes where empty and dreary [vibrant is the opposite of empty and dreary. Delete "vibrant" or tweak this sentence to say, "his usual vibrant green eyes were empty and dreary."] [eyes were]

is that to much to ask?" [too much]

Sebastian suddenly released me of his passionate kiss and I glimpsed the same hunger and desire I knew I had fill his charming green eyes before they were washed away with bitterness. [This sentence is awkward. Needs revision. Try: ...Sebastian suddenly released me from his passionate kiss; the kiss that I longed for; before bitterness took over his charming green eyes.]

"I love you to Bas and I will always be there for you," I whimpered. [you too]

trembling the phone as I mentally said goodbye [trembling over the phone]

You need to work on syntax, dialoguing, and use of punctuations.

I hope you'll find these observations and suggestions helpful.

It will help to read published works.

Keep writing.
469
469
Review of What I Really Am  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Chels,

It's wonderful to exude confidence in yourself and shout it out as you have shown.

I do have to point out that you can improve your writing skills by paying attention to mechanics , syntax and grammar. I made corrections on the following examples I have cited:

1) "My confession to myself which I thought should be put out into the world," [sounds better.]

2) I portray a strong beautiful woman [observe agreement of subject and predicate.]

3) Who is confident of who she is. (Check dictionary for spellings]

4) ...making a fool of myself. [delete "at"]

Keep on writing and read it aloud. Joining writing.com is the best thing you have done. Stay with it. You're on the right track.
470
470
Review of Spring Time  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Jenny,

There's a nice rhyme to your free verse. Simple and refreshing.

I do have a suggestion to make if you're looking to hone your writing skills. Delete the word "now" in the first line and the last line as they are redundant. It is enough to say, "Spring is here with the pretty flowers..." and "Spring is here, let's give a great cheer..."

Also, put an apostrophe in, "lets..." as this is a possessive case in the context of line.

Overall, you're doing well in expressing your appreciation for the beauty of the change in seasons. Keep up the good work. Nurture that poet in you.
471
471
Review of The End of it All  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Dave,

I was intrigued with the title of this monologue enough for me to click and read it. Interesting and thought-provoking point of view. I have a different viewpoint about life and death. And I base mine on the Holy Bible. Be that as it may, the formulation of your viewpoint is well taken.

As far as mechanics in writing goes, these are some of my observations and suggestions that you might be interested to look into.
My comments are enclosed in brackets [ ].

1) Correct me if I'm wrong. I can't help noticing that you're either from Canada, Australia or Great Britain. I can tell from your spelling of: recognised/recognise/realise [British variants for "recognize" and "realize"]

2) ...but it’s frustrating when you have very little ability to affect the world around you and all you can do is watch and wait. [How about replacing "affect" with "influence."]

3) I don’t know where they are or went. [I think it reads better if you insert...or "where they" went.]

4) I see people who are very different to me and there are far more dead than alive.[Consider revising: I see people who are very different "from" me and "they are" far more dead than alive.]

5) I force myself to slow to the world and I see people around me, the living and the dead. [This sentence stopped me. It may need fixing according to the context. I'm not sure if the writer meant "too slow" or "to show."]

6) The whole premise is borderline meandering. It can be tightened.

Overall, you were able to present your viewpoint successfully. I'd say, the more we write, the better we get. Keep it up!
472
472
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Maryann,

Thank you so much for adding me to this review group. I'm so elated to be a part of this great community of reviewers and writers.

I also want to thank Nixie for noticing my style of reviewing and for introducing me to WDC Power Group.

I'm indeed honored to join and I'm here to stay.
473
473
Review of Loss of Control  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Nixie,

Well done. This creative story sounds so real and authentic.

I like the character development.Your use of dialogue is masterfully done to portray Terry's character. Three years of shoplifting without being caught gave her the impetus to keep on doing it. At some point she had to be caught to create tension and drama.

There is only one sentence that gave me a pause, realizing that we have no control over how fast or slow our heartbeat thumps. "She slowed her heart rate and prepared her defense." Perhaps a minor change to something like, "Her heart rate slowed and she prepared her defense" will do the trick? Just a suggestion.

What I didn't like was the way she resolved her problem. To me, walking away would only complicate her messed up (idyllic) life in the long run. I would have given her coping mechanisms to end the story differently. Good or bad, her immediate solution depicted her true character.

That's the beauty of creative writing. My hat's off to you for a creative story well presented.
474
474
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Simple Dykie,

Nice work. I enjoy reading your experiences clothed in humorous and entertaining prose.

I'd say, an area of your work that needs improvement, if anything, is looking into punctuation marks here and there.
Here's one, for example: "It’s scary out there man."

[Consider Inserting a comma between "there" and "man"] It’s scary out there, man. [Can you hear and see the difference?]

I hope pointing out this minor glitch will help hone your writing skills.
475
475
Review of That's you  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi jpmurphy,

This poem is rich with the moanings of an unrequited love. It oozes out of the poet's one-sided adoration for someone he deeply care for. How deep is his anguish in not getting the response from her manifested itself all through the poem.

You might be able to tighten this poem by looking into punctuating in apropriate places. For example, I was kicked me out of my concentration in the fourth line of the first paragraph with this minor glitch, "Constantly having someone consuming your souls mind,"

The word "souls" is not plural but possessive in the context of the line; therefore, I suggest you put an aprostrophe in "souls."

"Constantly having someone consuming your soul's mind," makes a difference in conveying the poetic message here.

I suggest you read your poem aloud and observe where pauses are needed, as well. It's really enlightening when you hear yourself recite the words you have written.

Nice work, jpmurphy. Keep it up. There is a poet that wants to come out of you.
528 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 22 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/geomayr/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/19