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401
401
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi Jack,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, Free-For-All Anniversary Party Raid!, I'm puttering around, looking for a piece to review and I found the title of your piece arousing my curiousity.

*Content
I'm impressed at how you handled yourself for over six months in solitary confinement. You survived the ordeal with your sanity intact. Not too many jailbirds can handle that. I like your lighthearted approach that kept your sanity in check. And thanks to your proclivity for reading and writing. Funny, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop but you have kept your reader hanging. Now, your reader will anticipate reading your next episode talking about the reason for throwing you in the slammer.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
I did not see any glaring errors in this piece of work, except for the following:

In my reflections[,][Insert comma] I realized my memories of those months were compressed.

What a cliff-hanger! Would you be kind enough to direct me to that piece? My curiousity is killing me!

And if you are still contemplating on writing those decompressed memories, to include revealing an "open secret," please hurry up and do so. We're not getting any younger, you know!

Keep writing. It will keep you away from trouble! LOL.

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402
402
Review of Truth, at Last  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Marissa,

Writing is a way of healing and you found a way to heal. Keep writing. It's therapeutic. You'll find it a catharsis for every lie that drowned you. My suggestion for improving this work is to give examples of the lies you told your parents and friends about yourself. Do at least three examples. This way, you can draw your reader in your head and identify with your suffering. Once you do that, let me know and we'll revisit it for extensive review.

As I said, keep writing. The words will flow and you'll find a new person evolving in you.

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403
403
Review of My big dream  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Izzy,

I'm flattered that you requested me to review this piece. I feel honored, indeed for your confidence in my reviewing style.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for improvement and revision.

*Content

The content is mesmerizing. What a nightmare Lizzy'a foster parents were. I'm touched and angry at the way they treated her. It's too bad that Lizzy suffered too much abuse until she mustered the courage to leave and ask for help. It's a little comfort for me to finally see Lizzy stand up to these monsters. Be that as it may, I'm happy to see Lizzy finally fulfill her dream of a better life ahead.

So before I go on, may I ask if this is fiction or non-fiction? The development of your story is good. What I noticed are some weakness in using punctuation marks, especially those in quotations. So, let me show you where tightening should be done in *Mechanics *Syntax *Punctuation and *Dialogue.
My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

1) Always put your terminating comma, period, question mark, and whatever applicable mark is needed inside the closing quotation mark. Examples:

“Get up, brat. I’m taking you to your hockey lesson”, she shouted. [lesson,"]

“I won’t be picking you up after your lesson. You’ll have to walk home, you little brat. Do you hear me”, she hissed practically in my face.[hear me?"]

“Yes, mother”, I said. [mother,"]

"Coach, how on earth did you [did you] get them to come here?[!]" [Delete what I highlighted in red. Unintentional repetition.]

... You're the first girl we've had, [though",][though,"] Pavel said with a smile.

"There's a first time for [everything",] [everything,"] I replied, raising an eyebrow.

2) Make your dialogue stand out. By that I mean, use paragraphing to separate or highlight the conversation. Start a new paragraph for every person talking.

[ -aldsfjalksdfjlaksdfjl;askdfj.] [Curiously, what does this mean?]

[Yes, I was at Joe Louis Arena-home of the Detroit Red Wings. This was where my boys played. I'd been here many times-my team sometimes practiced here-but there would never be a day where I wouldn't get starstuck being here.] [I'm not sure if this belongs here. I stumbled over this one. You might consider revising this paragraph, moving it or deleting it altogether because it's confusing. The general scene is about a 14-year old with her hockey coaches but this declaration seems to be an adult reveling about her "boys" playing where she used to play as a teen-ager. A couple of paragraphs later, the author referred to "my boys" again. Am I missing something here? Are you trying to employ flashback, somehow?]

"Hey, Kronner",[ i][I] said,[Always capitalize the pronoun "I".]

How are you... WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!" [For publication purposes, using bold or caps in dialoguing is a no-no. Ditto with extra terminating punctuation marks. Consider revising this way, "How are you... What happened to your face?"

Not only [has][had] I gotten hit hard multiple times in the last few games I'd played in,

“Why haven’t you [call][called] us before to tell us [this”,][this,"] the Chief asked.

3) Use consistency in spelling names of your characters: Is Nick the same person as Nik?

You don't [deserved][deserve] that, sweetie.

4) Minimize reference to "foster parents," "foster Mom," "foster Dad," and so on. You made that clear at the beginning of the story.

Finally, look over this work with a fine-tooth comb again for punctuation mark fixes, especially in dialoguing. This is the area that needs special attention.

Keep writing. You're good for it. You got what it takes to put your pen to page.

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404
404
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi D,

The title of this essay made me curious to know what the writer's rant is all about. I was compelled to find out. Here's what I discovered. You're just a little bit impatient because you're ahead of the curriculum. The pace is too slow for you. You see, practice and discipline are the pathways to honing your writing skills. Did you get tested for your talent? I believe the School Counsellor can recommend advanced/college preparatory classes in the local community college for credit. There are ways to get around your boredoom.

Meanwhile, here are a few examples from this essay that need fixes: (My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. [ ]


[As a student about to entire [enter]my last year of high school,]

[How can a student express themselves if we're all writing the same essay on the same book?]
[Rewrite: How can students express themselves if they're all writing the same essay on the same book?]

[I no longer no how to write,] [ I no longer know how to write,]

[judgemental][judgmental]

[it's a well know fact.]it's a well-known fact.]

*Over-all take away
You can rant all you want. Just don't give up. You got talent. Use it. Hone it.

In short, keep writing. And, by the way, joining WDC is the best decision you ever made to exercise your wordsmithing creativity.

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405
405
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Josh,

The title of your piece,A Place Called Forever caught my eye. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. [ ]


*Content
I can identify with your struggle to put to rest an unresolved issue that haunted you. That inner conflict and its resolution was well demonstrated in this story.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue

[misterious] [mysterious]

[half filled] [half-filled]

[Like an unusual morning saunter for example.] [Fragment]

[A][ I ] could not really see the wall in that poor light but as I started to palpate it[ , ] I found it was rather solid without any opening on it, so I started running along the wall to find a door before she left.

[Unfortunately the wall or whatever it was, [as a result of my long run,] stood again between us and I could not but watch as she disappeared in one of the narrow streets.][ Transpose this split infinitive. Perhaps, this way: Unfortunately, as a result of my long run,the wall or whatever it was, stood again ... ]

[why could [not we] get near to each other,][Transpose: why could [we not] get near to each other,]

[We never talked about love[.][There] was something more between us, we thought we were inseparable, two sides of a coin, two halves that fit perfectly.]

[I was even invited to the wedding ceremony but that time I did not really care about it so I did not attend the wedding did not even answer to the invitation.]Consider tightening this sentence this way:[I was even invited to the wedding ceremony but that time[,] I did not really care about it[,] so I did not attend the wedding[nor] did [I]answer the invitation.]


I certainly wanted to talk with her, I wanted to cry out ‘Do not fade away’ but she suddenly disappeared in the crowd as if she never existed, after a while I was not even sure I was in danger and there was really someone who saved my life.
[Break your sentences into two or three instead of trailing a long one.]

[... where I [get hopefully] to know someone and could forget her forever.]Split infinitive. Try this for comparison: [where I [hopefully could get] to know someone and forget her forever.

*Over-all take away
Good story-line. Some areas need tightening. I like how the story ended. I came away satisfied.

Disclaimer
This is one reader's opinion. It does not represent anybody else's take away. As such, it's your call, as the creator of this piece, to either adopt or discard suggestions that do not promote readability.

Write we go!

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406
406
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Redtowrite,

Save the Last Dance sounds intriguing. I had to find out what it's all about.
Here are some comments for you to consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

*Content
This story needs focus. The conclusion did not support the original narrative. There are two separate stories that I see here. One, sending an unmarried pregnant young girl off to England to hide her parent's shame and dishonor during that period in history; Two, war-torn England and the tragic end of an unknown soldier at the clubhouse. There seem to be no compelling connection between the two tragic events if this is a stand-alone story. Consider changing your title to show connection between the two. The title threw me off when I reached the end.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

Examples I cut and pasted below can use minor fixes as indicated.

Once the children had dinner and a bath[,][Insert comma] their Dad usually picked them up.

When she heard the front door close[,][Insert comma] she put on her robe and quietly went [though][through] the house locking all the doors.

In London[,][Insert comma] there were [Nurse Midwives][nurse midwives] that lived with the Nuns.

Dancing was one of the most popular hobbies during the war and from 1942 onwards[.][Break this sentence up into two.][Insert terminating period.] British dance halls were filled with American soldiers.

[sweet smelling][ sweet-smelling ]

He had always treated her with respect.[This writer-feeder is jarring. It raised my brow and put a frown on my forehead. For me, it wasn't respect if he had the evil intention of taking advantage of an innocent teen-ager.It was a facade. Consider deleting this statement and see if it makes a difference without it.]

*Dialogue
[Grace was the only one that called it rape. He locked the door and blocked it with a chair. He was moving so fast she didn't have time to scream. Then putting his hand over her mouth, he assured her to be quiet or he would kill her. He flashed a pocket knife and demonstrated how it would cut through the vessels in her neck.. He put a sock in her mouth. Her heart was beating so fast and her chest felt like it would explode. Then he tied her to the posts of her own "Princess Bed" that left rope burns in her flesh. He tore off her panties. He inserted himself into her with brutal force. It felt like her insides were being lacerated. She tried to block out what was happening but the pain was too much.]

[A good way to handle the above scene without sounding like the author and the character are one and the same person is to use dialoguing.]

*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away

From one reader's point of view, the whole story sounds more telling than showing. You might employ dialoguing to show actions, reactions and emotions to break the monotony of narration. Revise. Tweak. Draw the reader inside Grace's head. This is a poignant story. People can relate and emphatize with the family dynamics involved. Make it sparkle and come to life.

You can do it. I know you can! You got talent and the skills to hook your reader to come away satisfied.

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407
407
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Joey,

The title of your article hooked me. I just had to know what your take is on the issue of criminality in cyberspace. You're right on. I appreciate your bringing it to our attention as there are still internet rubberneckers who fall prey to these unscrupulous predators.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit this article for tightening and improvement. I'm pointing out minor skirmishes that are easily fixed as demonstrated below. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

*Content
Super.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

I know [it's][Insert apostrophe] mean to say that, but working on the net, you become acutely cynical.

Look[,][Insert comma] my friends, only we the users can stop these guys.

I don't know how to report these issues with MS Explorer[.][They] make it hard to report anything[.] I guess they don't care. [Break down this sentence into two or three for clarity as illustrated.]

You're doing us a favor with this Head's Up article. Keep it up. You're good for it.

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408
408
Review of Reunion  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi Dan,

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. [ ]

Content
What a poignant story. It has a universal appeal that readers can identify and emphatize with.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
Well-crafted story. Flashbacks were employed well and explained the conflict in the family dysfunction. The only area that kicked me out is this part that I cut and pasted:

[Mom had lowered her arms and was looking up at him. Her tight, bottle-blonde curls shot out like broken mattress springs, and drying tears left dark lines on her face like canals on a brown alien landscape. His arm fell limply to his side as he fought a losing battle against tears. He didn’t want power over her, didn’t want to make her cry. He didn’t want Mom to be afraid of him. But he never told her this, never reassured her. Instead:

“I hate you.”

He left the house, leaving the woman he loved more than anyone else a broken mess on the hard kitchen floor.]

[The above narrative indicates a slight confusion in Point of View. The author when referring to John's mother as "Mom" gives the impression that the author and John are one and the same person; or, the author could be his brother, Mickey? I'm not sure if this is intentional. If not, this needs tweaking for focus and clarification.]


*Over-all take away
Despite all of John's misgivings toward his father, his heart melted when he finally saw the condition his father was in. His interaction with Leneesha Harris could have softened him as well. There is always forgiveness at the end of the day.

Powerful story. Thanks for sharing.
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409
409
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi J.A. Buxton,

I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it.

*Content
This is a sad story of an abandoned child, tossed to and fro between foster homes until Hannah's Home became his haven.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
This is well-written. I cannot find any errors glaring at me.

*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away
This is an inspiring and moving story. The generosity of William Walker is touching. It has impacted the lives of the less fortunate children, giving them a chance for productive lives. Thank God for caring and compassionate hearts of people like him and Stella Farrell. They give us a breath of fresh air.

Thank you for sharing. Hope to read a sequel to this story where Paul is involved in helping lost and found abandoned children, giving them hope for a better tomorrow. His journey early on may give him the spirit to pay it forward.

Write on.

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P.S.: I would like to know if Paul ever learned to talk.
410
410
Review of ENDLESS REBUKE  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Tee,

Endless Rebuke ... Sounds interesting. I couldn't resist reading it.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
I see Wilfred being haunted by Kate's ghost. His guilty conscience pestered him no end to the point of losing his sanity. Now, it's affecting his relationship with his wife, Natalie.

There are a few minor skirmishes that caused my analytical mind to pause and ponder, such as the following examples in:
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue

[Staring down from the balcony at the sea waves a few yards away, he again descends into that unspeakable thought.][Consider this alternative: Staring down at the sea waves a few yards away from the balcony, he again descends into that unspeakable thought.]

[self-defence][self-defense?]

[Light of feet, feeling unburdened, he hums an old tune that has come to his head.][Narrator intrusion: How does the writer know this unless he is the main character in this narrative? It seems to me that the narrator and the character are one and the same person. Am I right to deduce this? ]

That surely contrasts with the approaching [figure’s, a beltless grey gown flowing gracefully down to her ankle.][Try this fix: That surely contrasts with the approaching figure’s beltless grey gown flowing gracefully down to her ankle.]

[He][His] posture is rigid, her gaze firm.

He will compensate her only with hatred, [haboured] under a cloak of the sweetest deceit.[laboured or harboured?][I understand the British variant in spelling.]

... his encounter with the creature has now [invested][infested?] the forest with the power of a dreadful unpredictability ... .

“The chest! The chest is missing,” she anxiously whispers to him, "I've been home all day!"
[This last sentence kicked me out. It's unclear whether these two quotes belong to Natalie or whether the first one belongs to Wilfred and she responded in a whisper.][Consider separating the two to clarify who said what, perhaps something like this:

“The chest! The chest is missing,” in frantic, he exclaims.

"I've been home all day!"She calmly whispers to him.]

*Over-all take away
In order to draw the reader to the story, my recommendation would be to use understandable every day language in place of high-sounding words that go over the head. Also, engage your reader in a conversation.

*Disclaimer
In the grand scheme of things, take the above comments and suggestions with a grain of salt. You own this piece and it's your prerogative to make changes that advances your storyline.

Write on.

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411
411
for entry "Prologue/dedication" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi Kyle,

I spotted a misspelling in this Author's Note. Change "discription" to "description."
That being said, I'll proceed to Chapter One.
412
412
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi erina,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm here to review your material and offer you my feedback.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
I see you're using Single Quotation Marks quite a bit here. According to The Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference, they are used when making direct quotation within a quotation. A comma or a period is always inserted before the closing single quotation mark.

Read up on tag lines and use of punctuation marks when dialoguing. I picked up just a few examples for you to look over and tighten.

‘Thanks,’ I mumble[.]

There were three of us on and with you gone[,] we were run off our feet[.]’

‘I’ll buy you breakfast[,]’ I flash him a hopeful smile that this will suffice.

But before he has a chance to mock my introduction[,] the waiter appears at our table.[Insert comma.]

*Disclaimer
I'm not an expert in observing
*Over-all take away
You need to work on dialoguing and use of punctuation marks. I suggests the following books to read:
Writer's Digest Grammar Desk Reference
Webster's Punctuation Guide
The Longman Handbook for Writers and Readers
Manual for Writers and Editors

Over-all, your ideas are good. Your writing has a lot of promise. Keep at it. The more we write, the better we become.

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413
413
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Gunny,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm here to review your writing and offer you my feddback.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

*Content
This is a good exercise in creating a setting or a scene. It's a good background to a bigger story in the making.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
A house and a home may be interchangeable and the decision to choose one over the other may not be crucial to you, as a wrtier; but, consider the perspective from the reader who believes that a house is simply a structure while a home is where hearts dwell.

There’s probably ten [homes][houses] on our street, all on the same side.[Choice of word.]


*Punctuation
Do a little exercise. Read the following sentences aloud and pause where I inserted a comma. Can you see a difference?

I don't know why I remember this, but in the mid to late 1940’s[,] our family spent every weekend at my Nana’s house.

Nana’s youngest children, my aunt and uncle, are twins[,] only one year older than myself.


Nana’s house has a wrap-around porch which I love, because whenever it rains[,] we kids are allowed to gather on it and run and play to our heart’s content.

They run screaming into their houses[,] frantically brushing their hair with both hands.

*Disclaimer
The above comments and suggestions are, of course, merely from one reader's point of view. As such, you can take them with a grain of salt.

*Over-all take away
Keep up the good work. You'll get there sooner than you think.

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414
414
Review of The Easter Buddy  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi drifter,

I liked your voice and style so much, I stayed in your port and picked a couple more materials to review for WDC Power Reviewers Group.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My comments and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. [ ]

*Content
Delightful Easter celebration perspective through the eyes of Buddy's newly adopted family. Whether it sticks or not, it remains to be seen.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue

Hence forth [Henceforth]

As an owner of this crazy dog[,] I am not so sure about Buddy being the centerpiece of this theological understanding.[Insert comma]

For one[,] Buddy was cast out and being left for dead, just before Sharon, my wife[,] scooped him up out of a dire circumstance.[Insert comma]

Often time[Oftentimes] that can mean that we step into his business, which has nothing whatsoever to do with spreading Easter joy or Easter eggs.

May one [an][and] all discover the joy of resurrection and love for a God willing to die for us!!

I enjoy reading your submissions. Indeed, the resurrection is what Jesus promised we can look forward to at the end of our earthly journey.
"I am the resurrection and the life. He that believes in me though he were dead; yet shall he live; and whosever lives and believes in me shall never die but shall pass from death unto life!"

Keep writing, drifter. I like the theme of your writings. Winning one reader to the throne of God is worth all your writing endeavor.
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415
415
Review of The Passover Plot  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi drifter,

My curiosity got the best of me when I saw the title of this story. Therefore, on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm reviewing it to offer you my feedback.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening, and improvement.

*Content

The message is good. I suggest that you draw the reader from the familiar to the unfamiliar concept when introducing the Passover. If you anticipate that your reader is not familiar with church doctrines and Old Testament Jewish stories, especially the exodus from Egypt to Canaan, the Passover would be an unfamiliar topic. You could devote a paragraph explaining how the Passover came to being and how it has been practiced since that time. Then, you can expound on how the Passover is being practiced in modern times and your familiarity with it when you were fifteen years old.

I don't understand why some of your friends told you the Passover was all about blood and gore. It is a celebration or a Jewish festival commemorating the exodus of the Jews from Egypt to Canaan,the Promised Land. It is marked chiefly by the Seder ritual and the eating of matzoth.

Now, in your story, I'm curious to know where the Passover is located. Were your parents Jewish? Did you go to the Synagogue or the Temple to observe this ritual? Generally, the Christian churches do not observe this. The closest to the Passover the Christians observe is the Lord's Supper (or, The Last Supper)

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
I see some unintentional misspellings. I bet, your fingers were too fast, right?

Hope took [despair's] place when Jesus was risen from the dead.

[reign][rein]

When we die with Jesus to deal with the power of sin[,] we welcome opportunity to also rise with Jesus through who [wee][we] were freed from the power of sin.

At the age of twenty-three my [pilgrimmage][pilgrimage] to Passover began in [Earnest]. [earnest][Do not capitalize.]

I was hospitalized [in a hospital,] [delete] because of emotional instablity smack dab in the middle of a number of people wanting to commit suicide.

*Over-all take away
What a wonderful testimony of the saving blood of Jesus in your life. Not only did he save you, he also made you a bearer of the good news of salvation.

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416
416
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi drifter,

Here I am again. I always enjoy reading your delightful writings.
Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. [ ]

"I would be glad to work with you[ . ] [lets][Let's] see what happens."

What was I getting myself into[.][ ? ] All the while
[ I ] was saying,

[Their][There] were some kids that stopped by and said hello.

Right after that[ , ] he showed us what he meant by making believe he was trying to catch fireflies.

That year[ , ] we had our first Vacation Bible school.

One community leader [talked][syntax problem][took?] about a hundred kids.

From then on[ , ] there was one story after another.

We were a church of about twelve active adults[ , ] serving hundreds of children.

[Thousands] of dollars went into renovating the church in hopes of meeting more need.

After all that God did for us[ , ] I figured[ , ] it was the least I could do.

What a twist. You and Cindy got divorced and remarried? And she is studying to be a minister? How interesting.

*Over-all take away
I see the power of God working in Cindy's heart. He made her turn away from sin and turned her around to embrace you. What a heartwarming ending.

Thanks for sharing.

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417
417
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi drifter,

I believe I have bumped into your written work before. Today, I'm back to do reviews and offer my feedback on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group tocommemorate the 7th WDC Power Raid.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue

In the stages of infancy, youth and older age[,] we encounter decisions about what is really needed in life.

As we age[,] we raise up a vision about what it means to have a good life.

In preparing to meet God[ , ] we determine to listen for God, rather than fall victim to the many other influences that may get in the way.

People wanted to know God's will[ , ] which meant attending to God's law in hopes of being blessed.

With the utterance of a word[ , ] the celebration of creation takes place.

As God gives life[ , ] creation speaks back with all it's wonder and majesty

On the sixth day[ , ] Man and woman are created[ , ] and God says in so many words[ , ] "Hey now this is cool[ , ] what is not to like[ ". ][Transpose period by inserting it inside the closed quotation mark.]

The man gave names to everything God had [with][delete] made.

The donkey speaks back [that Balaam asking][asking Balaam] why are you beating me?

In Elijah's mind[ , ] God is yelling people like Jezebel will never listen.

God is God[ , ] a still small voice will do.

In Luke Chapter two[ , ] we read of a priest named Zechariah who was confronted by an angel.

God opens his mouth and [not he can call his son John a voice in the wilderness preparing the way for the coming of the Lord.] [Revise this sentence. Somehow, it's skewed.]

No word or action or word [ from? ][syntax] is enough to lead us to be saved. [word form?]

There were forces that thought putting Jesus to death would keep his message from spreading beyond the Jewish and Roman empire[something is missing here to connect these two ideas together]Jesus says at the end of Luke "wait for the Holy Spirit"

God wants to talk with us [though][through] the spirit.

We seek to be God's word and work.[?][Explain this premise.]

We can either [see][seek?] out a message from God or be lead astray by any number of other voices, knowing chaos, potential death and betrayal.

*Disclaimer
As you can readily see, the major suggestions I'm offering here are providing the missing punctuation marks (commas)for the sentences above. When you read these sentences aloud, observing the pauses created by the commas, you can find a big difference in the impact of each sentence.

*Over-all take away
The message is good but the written version needs tweaking for clarity and brevity.
.


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Review of Midsummer Night  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Josh,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm here to review your work and offer you my feedback.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement.

*Content
After my first read through, the questions that come to mind are,
1)Is this a stand alone story
2)Is it a part of a bigger story?
3)What's the hook?

If this is a stand alone, it needs a background scene of a make-believe world and how its inhabitants move around; how they are unique from the people who are human and real;and how are they similar in their relationships and interactions.

The next step would be to transition from the familiar to the unfamiliar so the reader can readily follow the logic behind the author's creativity and line of thinking.

Without a hook in the introductory setting, the reader will grope in the dark not understanding what he or she is reading; moreover, the reader will lose interest fast, put the book down, and look for a more interesting book to read.

On the other hand, if this piece is just a smidgen of what lies ahead,then, there's no need to cramp all the nuts and bolts into a conglomeration of ideas thrown into one lump. Information can trickle down from one section to the next or from chapter to chapter.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
You have a good command of the written word.

*Dialogue
Break down the monotony of narration and throw in some dialogue.

*Disclaimer
This, of course, is merely one reader's point of view. As such, take it with a grain of salt. Adopt what can advance your story and toss out what does not promote it.

*Over-all take away
Keep revising until the story sparkles and hums. The sparkling story comes from painstaking revisions as renowned best-selling authors would tell us, newbies.

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419
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Josh,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm here reviewing your submission to offer you my feedback.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green [ ].

She had already seen that film at least a hundred times and still she started crying every time she heard Rick [saying][say] “If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.”

[Leslie, her future husband, who was sitting on the next seat, attempted to console her, "It’s alright sweetheart,” he said, caressing her arm, “it is just a movie.”
But Rick continued. “Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” Leslie on the next seat gave up. Who was he to rival with Bogart?][This scene is confusing to me. The audience (Leslie and his fiancee?) are being entertwined with the character in the movie (Rick). It's jarring at best. Is Rick (in the movie) played by Bogart, the actor? Therefore, Rick and Bogart are one and the same when one or the other is being referred to in the story?]

She was the one who[,] even in the last minutes[,] had doubts whether she should marry him but her husband,[Pauses in the right places are needed for clarity.]

I find it odd that the main character do not have a name here, unlike her fiance', Leslie, and all supporting characters (Rick, Ilsa and Eric.) Having a name to a character would draw the reader closer to the story and identify oneself as the character who is interacting, thinking, and making decisions.

*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away
From the standpoint of one reader, I was at a distance looking at a skeleton of a story that did not ring true because I could not identify with a nameless character.

Also, the juxtaposition between the character in the movie and the nameless woman affected by the sad scene in the movie did not work for me. I couldn't get from here to there.

My recommendation would be to hone your skills in working with flashbacks, transitions and writing a story within a story. These are the elements in the art of writing that can make a difference.

Keep writing. The more we write, the better writer we become.

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420
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi A.M. Issy,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm here to look at your work and offer you my feedback.

Here are some comments you might want to consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening, and improvement. My comments and suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green.

*Content
Good detailed essay. Understanding that this was a class exercise, did you post this as originally written? It needs quite a bit of editing. The following are examples for looking over:

I believe he said this to point out a fact that whilst he is, in fact ‘dead’. His writing lives on. Compare this with: [I believe he said this to point out a fact that whilst he is in fact dead, his writing lives on.]

Why am I writing about William Shakespeare[,][Insert comma]you ask?

Writing doesn’t seem to come from [anyone][any one] place and people don’t seem to do it for any one reason.

If it wasn’t[,][Insert comma] then we would all use ‘brown’ instead of ‘maple’,

No [offence][offense] to Andy Warhol intended.

amazing in [its self][itself]

The fact that all this [these?] can span generations, eras, lifetimes makes this a magical task with the author of a wizard of his own kind, his own Merlin.[Revise. It's jarring.] [If this isn’t art? What is it?][Consider: If this isn't art, what is it?]

Currently I’m into romance novels[;][Replace with colon] Sophie Kinsella and Nora Roberts.

I own over 500 books and I’ve borrowed [100’s][hundreds] more from local and school libraries over the years. I like to read.

I believe if you want to [write. You] must have first read. [Try revising:I believe if you want to write, you must have first read.]

As a whole, this essay needs tightening with use of punctuation marks and observing pesky grammar rules. Also, your long sentences can be broken down into two or three sentences for clarity and brevity.

*Over-all take away
I like your conclusion. You succeeded in answering the question, "Why I write." Most writers would probably agree with your reasons for writing. I do.

I look forward to reading more of your work in the days ahead.

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421
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi ozhan,

On behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group, I'm visiting ports, looking for submissions to review and offer my feedback.

Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement.

*Content
I prefer to read and review biographical accounts, memoirs, true-to-life stories with diverse cultural flavors and/or anything associated with non-fiction genres. As such, the description of your essay attracted me to it, enough to spend my leisurely time reading it.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
They were [immigrants] from another [state] [Verify the technical meaning of the word immigrants from emigrants or migrants for proper use of the term. My understanding is,"immigrants" come from a foreign country while migrants come from the same country but perhaps another area, province or state (looking for work, or, perhaps running away from something or somewhere like these run-aways did?). As such, one is either an emigrant or a migrant. It's just a thought that might be worth checking out.]

*Punctuation
Through the cracks[,][Insert comma] dirt was seeping between my toes and chafing my feet

But as a drifter[,] I made sure the rubber stayed intact as long as I could, or else the earth would fry my feet.

[crowed]]crowd]

*Dialogue
You need to work in your use of taglines in some areas.
“Ozhan,” [Said][said] a familiar voice from atop the stairs of the café, “what…has happened to you?”

*Over-all take away
Sanjeev is an interesting character. If he was your former boss, as you indicated at some point in this essay, you have to know more about his personality. You might want to devote a section or a chapter all its own focusing on Sanjeev and his cultural background. Was he an Iranian like you? Did he connect with you because of it? I can see that he cared about you enough to keep you away from those young thugs outside. In addition, he went the extra mile to keep you until you were well enough to venture out on your own again. There is more to Sanjeev's character than you have covered. Explore it! It can been another source of writing material to expand.

Keep up the good work.

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422
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi kaysnrach,

Funny, I was just surfing here after I read your winning funny story because I like your voice and your style, so, I decided to visit your port for more samples of your work.

You're writing is flawless as far as mechanics and all those elements enumerated down below that go with the art of wordsmithing. Not only am I impressed, I'm enthralled.

*Content
*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue

There's nothing I can add, change or remove from your story.
I like your sense of humor that hooks the reader from start to finish.

Delightful story with sparkles here, there, and everywhere!.
I hope you won't mind me visiting your port to read everything you have written.

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423
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Redtowrite,

My name is QueenOwl. I'm here on behalf of WDC Power Reviewers Group. I chose this piece because of its intriguing title. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit it for revision, tightening, and improvement.

*Disclaimer
For starters, let me say that my feedback comes from one reviewer's point of view. They may be helpful in advancing your work, they may not be. In the grand scheme of things, you decide what's best for your storyline.

*Content
The two girls were playing by [Miss Miniver's] trailer one day
"You girls want these [dress-up] jewels?"
Annie thanked her, put them away and swore Susie to secrecy. .[Two issues kicked me out here: Miss Miniver and secrecy. You might want to add a little detail about the significance of specifying the neighbor's name; otherwise, replace her name with a generic reference, such as, a neighbor.
[And why the secrecy?]

[June] woke up two mornings with severe headaches, so she went in to the clinic.[Ma's name should come in sooner than at this point. As a reader, I had to stop and go back to clarify who June is.]

The next day, Ma was dressed for work.
[ June] came home after a half shift and laid down.[She]

Annie comforted Susie in [very] way she could.[every]

She had been a schoolteacher and her husband[,] Dean, was a musician in the city orchestra.[Insert comma]

Annie loved his soft smile and brown eyes. They seemed to dance watching her as she spoke.

...He listened as if he cared about what she said.
"Annie, I don't want to rush this but I think we have a positive current going here."
She smiled and said, "You look like the man in my dreams that carried me away from a fire."...[Where were you going with this? This was neither here nor there as far as I can tell. You might want to delete this blurb as it did not advance the story.][This really threw me off. I had to go back and reread. You might want to tweak this conversation because as it is played, it has a sexual connotation to it. And it seems to me that is not where you're going, right?]

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
Although some taglines are missing to attribute to the speaker, conversations were realistic and down to earth.

Without thinking, Maryann threw back the sheets and comforter, moving pillows and [touching evidence]. [Delete or move down somewhere after police report has been made. Premature to mention at this stage.]

After an anxious week, a woman that lived in the house next to Rainey's heard noise in the building outside. She called the police and Susie was found in there wrapped in a blanket. She was bound up with a baby bottle beside her. She had kicked a bucket over and Rainey was asleep beside her. [This scene is jarring. It isn't clear whether Susie was found "wrapped in a blanket" dead or alive for the simple fact that "kicking the bucket" connotes dying.]

I had to keep on going back to connect characters and sequences in chronological order. There's a hodgepodge of scenes and information packed in this stand alone story that makes it confusing to a reader. This can be either broken down into two or three sections; or, use transitions can help connect segments in the order of occurence.

*Over-all take away
Focus on Annie. Eliminate sideshows that do not spotlight Annie's anguish in dealing with her skin disorder resulting in her lack of self-esteem. Show how she overcame her feeling of worthlessness. How did she connect with a support organization? Was it through her own resourcefulness? The appearance of Gregory Simmons walking into Annie's support group was anti-climactic. Should he have been the catalyst in Annie's zeal to start a support group on her own initiative with his encouragement as the ending suggests?

It's a heartwarming story. Keep your writing juices flowing.
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424
Review of Life on a Loop  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hi Paradoxical,
Life on a Loop


I found the title of your piece intriguing. I couldn't resist reading it. Here are some comments you might consider when you decide to revisit for tightening and improvement.

*Content
Indeed, I was taken on a loop when the twist came showing God as a woman and Jesus is now Satan. That didn't set right with me. In fact, this also reminded me of the book, "The Shack" by William P. Young, where the author suggested that God was a big African-American woman, the Holy Spirit, an Asian woman; and Jesus was a man with middle-eastern descent. I was perturbed by the personification.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation

He wasn’t breathing when he emerged, already coated in the blood and mess that once cleaned, would quickly begin to accumulate again as[the][he] travelled through life.

That quickly waned, replaced by pity for the [the][delete] bully,

From that point on, Graham always aimed to stay under the radar as much as possible, never making friends and only playing when really necessary, just to avoid [scrutiny.][As a reader, I cannot help but ask, why the word, "scrutiny"? How about "attention" in place of scrutiny? Is it foreshadowing?

and after the holidays [graham][Graham] moved into the upper class

Somehow, it didn’t seem quite so important to devote all his time to it now he had friends. [Sounds awkward. Consider tweaking.][Somehow, it didn’t seem quite so important to devote all his time to it now [that] he had friends.]

[the grass always seemed to be greener on the other side of the fence.][Cliche] Try to restate in a different way with the same or similar meaning.]

He made his way to the job centre, and as he was leaving he was [accosted] by a young girl. She spoke to him of a job that could earn him far more than the minimum wage he was being offered, and went for it. [The word "accosted" doesn't seem to fit. The word seem to convey unfriendliness, unattractiveness or abrasiveness. How about approached?

[12 hours days][12-hour days]

... being trained in command hypnosis in order to go and sell alternate electricity [suppliers][supplies?].

After a time, it again [it][delete] became clear the rules he was expected to enforce were trivial, and the way the job operated resulted in more confusion than common sense.

“And how would I do that?” [I asked.] [Shouldn't this tag be "Graham asked"?]

*Dialogue
There was so much telling until the dialogue came in. The narrative slowed down the story considerably.

*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away
From one reader's point of view, (me), this hinges on blasphemy and if it were a published book, I would not recommend it for reading. Don't take it personally. I'm merely sharing my take away on a controversial subject:the Divinity of God. All things being equal, you're doing well in your wordsmithing exercise.


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425
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi Redtowrite,

In my leisurely time surfing here, looking for something to read and review,I found the title of your piece intriguing. It certainly deserves a peek. Here are some comments to consider when you decide to revisit it for tightening and improvement. My suggestions are enclosed in brackets and color-coded green. [ ]

*Content
It's too bad that Lee went along with his druggie friends, which consequently hooked him with more potent and more dangerous drugs and his life went downhill from there. What frustrates me is to see good people with so much promise to give in to peer pressure and when they get in trouble, they find excuses for their behavior instead of owning up to it.

Perhaps, the death penalty was too harsh a punishment for a first time offender. He was a model prisoner, I can see that. But, if the State of Louisiana sends their convicted murderers to Angola Farm as a matter of rule, pursuant to the State's Penal Code, citizens of that State should be aware of it to keep themselves as far away from the "Farm" as humanly possible.

It hadn't been him that did the crime, it was the shit he was on. A lot of the guys here had the same story. The drugs were demons.[I disagree with this premise. Finding someone or something else to blame except oneself has been the way out for convicted criminals.]My compassion and sympathy ends where criminals do not accept responsibility for their crime.

*Mechanics
*Syntax
*Punctuation
*Dialogue
Just minor skirmishes I see as the following show:

Lee Anderson keeps asking [for][Insert preposition] the time.

"Then this will give it all to you[ then].[delete] You are Superman! Greatest in all things; playing guitar, singing, love making and bragging."

He tried to run down [an][in the] back alley.

The drugs he had snatched weren't narcotics;' all the good stuff must a been double locked. [Unless this is a direct quote, consider revising this way: The drugs he had snatched weren't narcotics. All the good stuff must have been double locked.]

The old pharmacist was dead[,] so[,] Lee had murder plus robbery to send him to prison for life,[Insert commas for clarity.]


His heartbeat felt like it was exploding outside of his chest.[Author intrusion. Revise]

*Disclaimer
*Over-all take away
This is one reader's point of view. It may not reflect the author's or other reader's perspective. As such, take it with a grain of salt. If there is anything useful that advances your story, by all means, use it; on the other hand, discard what you consider not worth the revision.

Good work. Keep writing.

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