Mandy's (gobbledock) Reviews

Review Requests: OFF

635 Public Reviews Given

655 Total Reviews Given

Review Style

I give constructive criticism, but always in a positive and encouraging manner. I'm honest and give advice for improvement where warranted, but I don't have any interest in shredding another writer's work. I will always do my best to focus on the areas that need attention. I like to give my interpretation of a piece (when applying to poetry) and enjoy giving a review that is both helpful and leaves the reader feeling positive about his or her work. On occasion, I will suggest rewording -- particularly in poetry -- and if you don't prefer this, you should advise me when submitting a request. I will always give the best quality review that I'm capable of, in content and presentation.

I'm good at...

My first passion is poetry, but I like all types and genres of writing and dabble in them all. I like poetry with depth and enjoy interpreting it and recognising artful use of convention. I'm good at finding the weak points in a poem and suggesting alternatives to strengthen them.

Favorite Genres

Fantasy, Romance/Love, Dark, and Comedy. These are my favourite, but I enjoy anything that makes me want to read on. Therefore, no genre is out of bounds.

Least Favorite Genres

Okay, if my arm is being twisted and I have to choose ... War and Spiritual. Both genres I find the least interesting, but I'm still open to reviewing them and will critique them fairly.

Favorite Item Types

Poetry and Short Stories

Least Favorite Item Types

Blogs and chapters. I don't hate them, they are just my least favourite.

I will not review...

I will review any genre or type with any content rating, providing it has a word count that doesn't exceed 3,000 words. Honestly, I prefer to review poetry.

126

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3604538

Review of 'It'

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

"Invalid Item"

by Mandy
For the premise of this group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

You are my October reviewing buddy!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

Greetings Sum1

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:
Hi Jim! I've been meaning to visit your poetry for a while now, so I was pleased to get this opportunity. Not only are you my reviewing buddy for the month of October, but you have given me some thoughtful reviews recently that deserve reciprocation! Also, in the spirit of Halloween, I'm feeling inspired by all things of the creepy persuasion.

OVERALL SENSE:
I found this dark, whimsical and interesting. I enjoy anything that might be classified as Supernatural or fantasy-based, and that's exactly what you've delivered. You have proven the age-old sentiment, 'love conquers all,' even a curse that turns an unsuspecting bloke into a smelly 'it!' We have a disgruntled witch that eagerly casts a spell on this lonely soul, and with a wave of her wand the victim is helpless to do anything other than wait it out with revenge in his heart. I did expect to see him free of the spell, but I couldn't forsee the ending of true love borne of hate and revenge. With Cinderella now expected to get a day job, why can't the modern love story start with a warty witch and a smelly 'it?' It's not until the end of the poem that you describe the way that inner beauty shines through, transforming the hideous witch into a beautiful woman.

CONVENTIONS:
I've spent a bit of time with your poetry, Jim, and I can appreciate the time and effort you put into your craft. Your preference is obviously for rhythm and rhyme, and these are the dominating conventions in "'It'" . You've done an excellent job on both, but there might be some lines that could use tweaking to improve the flow. I understand that your main concern is the meaning and delivery, so how you choose to tweak your work is up to you. This is a rhyming free verse, so go ahead and take poetic license! You've injected some nice figuative language into this piece, and I will mention these areas below in my favourite lines. The way you describe 'it' and the surrounds is very colourful, and paints a great picture. I'm sure you put a lot of time into this one.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:
These areas look great!

FAVOURITE LINES:
A few gems:
"It sat there waiting, silent, deadly, dangerous, but unseen
The bulky massive shape shimmered with a dark sickening sheen
It had a simple goal in mind, one every living creature knows
Survival plain and simple, just what one would suppose"
I really enjoyed the opening lines. I was drawn to continue reading, and was interested in the resolution. You set the tone straight away, and the descriptions are packed with imagery.

"With the spell in place, it found there were special powers
Held tenderly in his grasp, like precious summer flowers"
This kind of figurative language enriches a poem, and is what makes it quality.

"It would send her to a wilderness, of timeless winter’s cold
A place that would keep her, like lamb’s kept in their fold"
Another example of creating a picture with words. I love the first line -- it makes one think of an icy country, barren and of another world. Again, you've crafted another great simile.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The only thing I would suggest is the same thing I would suggest to anyone who writes poetry, and I take this advice myself on a regular basis. Reread your poems every now and again, and you might find something that doesn't work as you might have originally thought. Whether it be in the rhythm and rhyme, or maybe your word choice. Other than that, I have no suggestions for improvement.

CONCLUSION:
Thank you for sharing your passion, Jim. I'm glad I got the opportunity to review your poem, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. By the way, I love the new handle -- it's particularly spooky!!!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

127

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3594787

Review of Baby Powder

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Bikerider

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I don't think there are many things in life that are more important than the birth of a new baby. There are so many expectations and hopes for this new life, and when the day finally comes to meet the tiny bundle, emotions are high. The love and relief in finally receiving a child is nothing short of overwhelming, and you definitely show how deep these feelings are. Everything about this baby seems so heavenly in its perfection, and your depth of love shines through.

CONVENTIONS:
The beauty of this poem is in the honest recount of the feelings one experiences in the presence of a new baby. As you mention at the bottom of this piece, it was written after meeting your grandaughter for the first time, and I have no doubt that emotions were high and you've just let them flow into words.
The two dominant conventions here are your rhythm and rhyme. For the most part, you have done a good job with the rhythm, but there are some places where the lines are out of beat. Reading a poem out loud sometimes helps to find these spots. Also, the rhyme pattern doesn't seem to have any set style. It seemed to vary in the different stanzas, and had no real continuity, although this didn't alter the quality of the poem, or the nice flow that you have created. The star here is the imagery. I had a vision of a beautiful baby girl, soft and scented, and surrounded by loved ones.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no faults in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Overall I think this a beautiful, heartfelt poem, but perhaps a slight tweak to the rhythm could improve it in places. Other than that, I see nothing that could be improved upon.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"A dusty mark where you had been,

like a fairy brushing by."
This is a nice simile, and it gives the sense of how gentle and soft the touch of a baby is.

"You're not aware of the heart you took,

but now it's with you everywhere."
The depth of adoration is obvious in this poem, and it's true that a baby is beloved from its first day of life. Giving the heart is unconditional.

Thank you for sharing a personal experience, and an emotive poem. I look forward to reading more of your poetry!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

128

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3594739

Review of Forecast: Memories

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group's activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Jeff

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Childhood memories are no doubt some of the strongest and most meaningful. They are the ones that affect us the most and provide us with experiences that we pass on to our own children. This winter's day is easy to envision in all its glory, and the camaraderie of children as they play together is the all-consuming sense that I take from this poem. Family is the core of this Sestina, and the format is as tightly woven as the bonds that are obviously shared by your family. I'm sure this would be a typical winter's day in parts of the world that experience snow, but the memories that are taken away are unique to each person.

CONVENTIONS:
The Sestina is a particularly stylish form of poetry, and your free verse version is well-delivered. The level of difficulty comes from the repetition of the end-rhyme, but you have mastered this with an easy flow, good word choices, and the use of enjambment. There is an easy flow that is enhanced by nice descriptive language, and a good handle on the rhythm and rhyme. All six are tied up nicely in the final tercet. Often times there is an element of this form that is deviated from, but you have adhered to it perfectly. There are some great instances of alliteration and personification, and overall you've done a great job.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look good, but there was one word that seemed out of context. In the following:

And so it begins, slate skies above cold,
reluctantly loose the first crystals of snow.
In the second line -- 'loose' doesn't work if you mean it to be a verb. I wonder if you meant 'lose' or 'loosen.' If you are using 'loose' as an adjective, then you need a comma after 'loose' for clarity.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT: Only the suggestion as noted above.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"Winter skies leaden, are pregnant with snow.
Like leaves before, the flakes gently fall."
The first of the above lines is my favourite within the poem. I love how you personify the winter sky, and give her a full belly of ice. This is such great imagery.

"Grumbles greet parents, though grace doesn't fall
certain our fun will dissolve with the sun."
A great example of nice alliteration. Using the growling 'g' sound is perfect to emphasise the disgruntled mood.

"The magic of new fallen snow, flakes caught on our tongues as they fall,
The worn, red faces of siblings, ablaze in the day's failing light.
We return with the evening sun, Mom's cocoa warms us from the cold."
This piece is all about engaging the senses, but in this final tercet there is not only the burn of the cold and the sensation of the snow, but also the taste of hot cocoa.

I always appreciate the opportunity to review great poetry such as yours, and I thank you for creating a wonderful poem. I look forward to visiting your port again in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Creator of The Poetry Contest Corner and The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle,
co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, and proud member of The Traditional Poetry Group, Rising Stars, and Showering Acts of Joy.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

129

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3581725

Review of In His Eyes

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, The Huntress ~ Finding Love

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This is a true ode to a lover. However, it doesn't seem to be based on passion or lust, but more on the true core of love. The narrator is sharing her innermost feelings, and it is obvious that her world revolves around this man. There is a tone of desperation and angst, but also, a tone of surrender to the inevitability of her fate as it might be deemed by her love. It's in the way she talks about living for him. There is a fragility to her desire that shows she is at the mercy of reciprocation. I agree one hundred percent with your sentiments of love being powerful and encompassing, and you describe how it takes control of a person, to perfection.

CONVENTIONS:
Good rhythm and rhyme aren't always that easy to achieve, but you have managed nicely in this poem. Both things create a seamless flow, and your rhyme is excellent. The stand-out for me is your use of enjambment -- the way your lines flow into each other -- and merge into one soul-song of emotion. Your descriptive language is gentle, and reflects the tone of a poem that is all about the emotional depth. I enjoyed the imagery that came with some of your lovely descriptions. In the following:

"To watch his smile is to see the sun
reflect off pools of untouched morning dew"
Again, this shows the intensity of the adoration that is felt.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no faults in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't have any suggestions for improvement on this piece. Great job!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"I would give my life to hear him whisper
to me in the velvet night
His arms around me warm and sweet
to hold us sewn together tight"

This stanza gives a strong sense of the depth of passion and love that exists in this relationship. I love the line: "to hold us sewn together tight." It describes a union of body and spirit, and holds a lovely sentiment of togetherness.

Thank you for sharing an emotion-filled poem with me. I look forward to reading more of your poetry in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

130

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3581640

Review of Pavlova The Dying Swan

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, inkwellsprings

NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Anna Pavlova will no doubt be locked in time as a famous dancer whose delicate form and nature will not be forgotten. The indepth tribute that you have created is thorough and speaks of your own admiration for this ultimate ballerina of the ages. I learned a bit more about this lady through reading your poem, and have to admit that I really didn't know much more than her name, prior to reading this piece. In your poem, you take her from a premature baby to a woman of fifty -- incoorporating birth and death -- and everything in between. She overcame the odds to become a legend of dance, and she only did this through perseverance and determination. It proves the point that nothing is impossible if you want it bad enough. There is a slightly sad tone attached to this piece considering the untimely death, but you did a nice job of telling her story in an artistic way. Great job!

CONVENTIONS:
I have become accustomed to your free-verse poetry, and I do believe this is the first rhyming poem that I have reviewed from your port. You do just as well with the structure, and both rhythm and rhyme are good. There may be a couple of instances where your rhyme could use some tweaking, and I will mention an example of this below. Your end-rhymes are flawless, and create a nice flow to the piece. This is a story in poetic form, and you have given some nice instances of figurative language. Your descriptions also give a good visual of this pint-sized ballerina in her swan costume. I enjoyed the metaphor you used for the star of the piece when you call her a 'tiny gem.'
My favourite is in the following simile:

"With bourrées like a string of pearls,"

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
No faults in these areas!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
As I suggested above, I would just play with your rhythm in a couple of places. An example of where it is off is in the last line of your first stanza. It seems to have one syllable too many. It probably pops a little bit more because the other lines in this stanza has such flawless rhythm.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"You upstaged all other young girls
in spite of ankles dainty and weak.
With bourrées like a string of pearls,
and a spirit untarnished and meek."

Another example of how desire can overcome any boundaries to success. The simile you have used for the 'bourrees' gives the sense that the dance is elegant and classy, if not a little understated.

Thank you for sharing another great poem with me I enjoyed the different angle of this piece, and look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

131

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3575542

Review of Love's Touch

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

Greetings Carol St.Ann 👓
This review is a part of your shower from "Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

WHY I CHOSE TO REVIEW THIS ITEM:

When I saw your contribution the this wonderful campfire, I felt compelled to review this poem, Carol. Not only is it of a high quality, but it is also very touching.

OVERALL SENSE:

A bitter-sweet ode to lost love. To lose someone who is the center of your universe is no doubt one of the hardest things to experience in life, and your portrayal of this is honest and heartfelt. Every little touch speaks of heartbreak, and the achy feeling that comes with a memory of someone lost, flows from the narrator. Her lingering attachment to memories and possessions shows the depth of her torment, and the way she clings to these things is sad and sweet at the same time. Reality seems to be the demon that is a part of every day, as is the belief that life will go on, and love will conquer. The strongest sense is that though the flesh is lost, the spirit will be a constant. Beautiful poem, Carol. I truly love it, and give you credit for putting more of the wonderful person you are into words.

CONVENTIONS:

What beautiful rhythm and rhyme! You are a clever chook.

This piece has a seamless flow, and I enjoyed your rhyme scheme, all in rhyming couplets. The way you have given each stanza its own rhyme pattern works a treat, and in all, you have delivered. Your descriptive language is lovely, and it creates such great imagery. The strongest for me is the image of the narrator donning the garments of her lost love. There is a depth of longing to the act -- and it is easy to feel the pang of sorrow that comes with this ritual. You have used nice figurative language, and I love the reference -- "With my bare hand, stroke gently the wings of the dove." With the dove being a symbol for spirit, this is a beautiful way to describe the feeling of being close to a loved one.

FAVOURITE LINES:

"A walk in the morn, donning your coat and your glove,
With my bare hand, stroke gently the wings of the dove."
My favourites are definitely in the above. As I mentioned, I love the imagery and emotion that comes with the act of donning the coat and gloves.

"Deep breath. You're here. The fearsome demons must cower.
Together we'll walk 'long Heaven's shore this hour."
This is a moment in itself. The narrator is comforting herself with a gentle reminder that her loved one is still with her, and that spirit is eternal.

SPELLING/GRAMMAR:

These areas look great.

SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

I think you have crafted something beautiful with this poem. It's personal, emotion-filled, and going on my favourites list!

CONCLUSION:

Thank you for sharing with me, Carol. I always feel privileged to be able to call you a friend, but having the opportunity to enjoy your talent is a privilege as well. Your talent speaks for itself.

Regards,
Mandy

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Group leader of The Poetry Contest Corner, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

132

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3574160

Review of Mowed Lawn

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Turtle ~ KanyáthƐko:wa:h

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Somehow you have given grass feelings and a longing for life. The way you have described the green cells, and the joyous stretch for sunlight, humanises the green hero, and turns the narrator into a beastly mower-man!

There has to be something said for inspiring sympathy for a blade of grass, and you managed it. The senses are engaged fully; the touch of the moist, cut grass, the scent of fuel mingled with lawn, the sound of the mower growling. All of these things are incoorporated in this piece. Let's not forget the sense of satisfaction that the narrator has as he stands back and inspects his accomplishment, revelling in a job well done.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a fine example of a free-verse poem, and I enjoyed the easy flow and clear imagery that transported me to a buzzing summer's day where the hum of a mower is only rivalled by the fresh scent of cut grass. Great visuals! This poem can be taken at face value, or it can be interpreted with alternate meaning. The grass becomes a metaphor, and like people, is at the mercy of constraints that are inflicted by others. The stronger and more powerful will always reign supreme, and today, the mower has the last laugh!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I could see no faults in these areas!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The only thing I would suggest -- and this is only my opinion -- is that you might consider tweaking your first stanza. This is a quality poem with originality and clever content, but I think the first stanza is the most important because it is what will draw a reader to continue. The use of enjambment breaks the flow between the second and third lines, and it tends to create pause. I would only suggest you look at the wording.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"Where once green spires stretched
in individual glory, celebrating
uniqueness, now there remains the
uniformity of carpeting,
cut short by hard steel blade,
and left to languish."
It is here that it seems as if you are talking about human-kind, as much as the grass. Just like the grass that is perfectly happy doing its own thing, and flourishing in freedom, people are also forced to conform to what others deem is appropriate, aesthetically pleasing, or expected. There is a strong comparison here, that works on different levels with alternate meaning.

"The kids spring forth from behind me.
Death and satisfaction
in the form of settling blades
cloak the mantle
of these arms."
You have given a good dose of literal irony here, intermingling death and satisfaction. These are two things that would normally speak of ruthlessness, and you manage to sell that angle by inspiring sympathy for those poor blades of grass ... big sigh.

I enjoyed your interesting angle on cutting the grass! Thank you for sharing your work with me.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

133

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3574117

Review of THE BARDS CONVENTION

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, DRSmith

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there! Where to start?! This poem is the poem to end all poems, and I mean that in the best possible way. I am always flawed by your skill as a poet, but this is simply extraordinary. You have created a poem containing fifty-seven stanzas, and that is nothing to be sneezed at! There is one thing I'd like to know; how do I get an invite to this party?

This Bard's convention is a delightful tale, and I felt teased by the idea that this collection of greats were evaluating the quality of the clueless wanna-bes. Arrogance abounds from these wordsmiths that have achieved a God-like status to the writer's who strive to gain a little bit of their timeless talent. It seems that the deceased scribes are having a grand, old time perusing the sub-standard material that has been inflicted upon them, and they are only taking solace in the alcoholic beverages. Perhaps they need it to endure the chore of judging. The idea within this piece is so original, and executed with the finesse that one would expect from a Bard.

There is so much content here that I think I would have to read and reread to really grasp every reference, and fully enjoy the skill applied. There is colour, sound, and a festive flair that is only outweighed by characterisation. Put these bards on stage and guarantee an audience! They are the inspiration; the muse's that provoke literary experimentation, and they are having a great time dismissing the experiments.

CONVENTIONS:
This style of poetry is my preference, and nothing is sweeter than a poem that has rhythm, rhyme, and an easy flow that makes for pleasurable reading. You seem to be a master at all of these elements, and I give you credit for predictability in these areas. Maintaining perfect end-rhymes in a poem of this length isn't easy, and let's not forget the internal rhyme. Every line is full of reference, and such colourful descriptive language that I'm left with nothing but praise for the delivery. The references to these wonderful poets abound, and I particularly like the injection of 'Poe,' and 'The Raven.' As always, the alliteration and assonance saturates the piece, and there is a jaunty, sing-song quality that reverberates with the reader. What more can I say? Another stroke of genius!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This one I'm leaving to the Bards. They can do their darndest! In a poem of this length I prefer to trust that you are just as skilled at spelling and grammar as you are at poetry. From experience I've found this to be the case!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have no suggestions for improvement on this one. Ask Poe what he thinks.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
This is the definition of unfair -- c'mon!!

"Twixt Aiken and Bacon stood four-footer Pope,
'side Binyon and Bunyon, Lord Byron, and Hope.
There's Wentworth and Woodworth and Francis Scott Key.
Two Taylors, three Brontes— all sisters, you see;
relating, debating while sipping their tea.
Not only a list, but a poetic symphony of souls, recounted in flawless rhyme. The imagery of this throng of writers enjoying their refreshments and banter is priceless.

“I truly detest such gibberish scat,
‘tis purely a wearisome waste of our time.
Piles of piffle they toss in my lap,
yea nary a rhythm, no reason, or rhyme.
This is where 'toffee-nose' is given new meaning, but who can argue that they've earned it! I do believe these past poets are thumbing their noses at us! .

"There's nothing left for bards to chase, the prize they sought is won.
It’s back to crypts perusing scripts, our pumpkin hour has come."
I am a big fan of these lines. I love the internal rhyme, the image of the poets reading scripts, and the reference to the pumpkin-hour, when everything must return to normal.

I love your work!

Thanks for sharing you craft with me. I look forward to next time!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

134

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3574082

Review of Fountain of Youth

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Fyn

NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Yes, just like fairies, goblins, and all other enchanted folk

, the idea that these wonder-tonics and magical balms can turn back the hands of time is equally fantastical. You describe the belief in these promises of youth restored as a 'mythical call,' and that is a perfect description. It is easy to play on the desire that many people have to return to the days of smooth skin and firm buttocks! Unfortunately, a little tub of gunk isn't going to equal a makeover gifted by the Gods. With the price of these fandangled potions, it is more likely to take half a weekly pay-check. You make the point that more time should be spent enjoying the sweeter things in life, such as family and relationships. This poem speaks of the age old sentiment: Grow old gracefully! Doing it with the ones you love is an added bonus.

CONVENTIONS:
This poem is based on literal language, but you have used the metaphor to perfection, particularly in one instance that I will mention below. It has an excellent rhythm, and your end-rhymes are very smooth. The theme you use is well-told, but everything can be told in a new way, and you've achieved that here. The way you change the tempo in the second and third stanzas works well, and it has an instant, serious edge to it. It's as if the narrator is scolding anyone silly enough to believe the hype.
A great metaphor is in the following:
"There's no character to an empty plate."
This is where you describe a lack of lines, or signs of aging, as a lack of emotion and humor in life. The 'character' is the lines, and the empty plate, a life with no meaning. Great example!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I saw no errors in these areas!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I have no suggestions to improve on this piece. Everything works well.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"The media world would have us believe
in all of their ads and fol-de-rol
that make-up and hair color and wrinkle eraser
will have us heeding the mythical call"

I like the reference to the 'mythical call.' You offer another perspective that some people embrace, while others choose to continue striving for the unattainable.

"Laughter lines bespeak of humor.
There's no character to an empty plate.
Memories are formed from life well lived
and finally I point to that wondrous gate."

Again, I love the use of figurative language here. You end on a nice note -- with a reminder of the bigger picture -- and a reminder to look past the skin-deep, superficial aspects of life, to the deeper meaning.

I thoroughly enjoyed your poem. Thank you for sharing it with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

135

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3568842

Review of Emerge the Poetess

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, inkwellsprings

NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Once again, I'm left feeling awe-inspired by your delivery of a great poem. I have to ask myself what it is about your writing that is so catchy and unforgettable, and I've come to the conclusion that it is exactly what you are writing about in this piece. It is the spontaneity of your feelings, and the sense that you are giving all of your true self with no reservations. I can understand the sentiments that you are talking about -- the desperate urge to get those pockets of inspiration out -- and the frustration that takes over when the flames of the muse are doused. I got this great image of a half-crazed lady hunched over her computer; hair in a crest of frustration.

Okay, it's the way my brain works. But isn't it all worth it when you have something to show for it? If this hectic splattering of creativity can bring forth such original, unique, and well-crafted poems, you are on the right track!

CONVENTIONS:
I am transfixed by your magical delivery of free-verse poetry, and this is no exception. I like the random method to your structure, and the unexpected quality, works. You always manage to take me with you, and your thought processes seem to be purged; the depths of your soul bared in an honest way. You have personified the soul as a being that is birthing its 'children.' The rigors of this birthing process seem to be taxing to the body that contains this process. Calling yourself a mother to your words is a great way of describing the attachment that one can have for their writing. Your emotional impact is the star here, and you have a way of offering a relatable feeling to the reader.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
No faults in these areas!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There is nothing that I would change about this poem. It is so natural and real, and I enjoyed every bit of it.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"There is no sleep.
There is no rest.
No appetite for flesh or food."

I found myself pausing after these very first lines in your poem. I had one of those 'wow' moments, where I marvelled at the way you can affect emotions with such simple but powerful use of the language. "No appetite for flesh or food." This line is simply fantastic. Flesh and food, two things the same but different, and both feeding different needs that are being denied to the greater needs of the muse.

"Afraid that if I do not hurry,
it will emerge injured,
by being held back."

Ah, the demands of inspiration. I love the way you describe that feeling of having to get your thoughts down before they dissipate into nothingness, or perhaps fragment into pieces that aren't as good as the original piece.

I am always intrigued by your flair for poetry! You are a master wordsmith, and I thank you for sharing your work with me.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

136

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3568629

Review of A Magic Lamp

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Liam

NOTE:Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi Liam! Firstly, I have to say that it is an honour to review quality poetry such as yours. I really like what you have done with it, and I would like to offer my own interpretation of your words. Emphasis on 'my.'

It might not be the right one, but I think the beauty of poetry is that it can be deciphered in different ways, and have alternate meaning for those who read it. With all of the talk of the end of the world, and the coming of the Lord, this poem seems quite fitting. The tone is one of hope for mankind, a hope that the light, or the spirit of God, will cast its glow over the 'sinners' and cleanse them, giving way to a new exisistence of eternal peace. I like the way you label people as the "discontented deserts" that are covered with snow, or perhaps a shroud of ignorance. You tell a story where the Lord's spirit will penetrate what we have come to know as our reality, and bring a new existence. There is so much symbolism in your descriptions, and every bit has a deeper meaning.

CONVENTIONS:
Where to start?! You can hang your hat on your ability as sonnet- extraordinaire! The form is just about faultless -- and your even flow is impeccable. Not only have your adhered to the seamless rhythm that is an integral part of a good sonnet, but you have incoorporated it with so many other elements that make for an A-grade poem. One of the strongest elements here is your use of the metaphor. Wow! I am tempted to make a tally, but I won't go that far!
Just one example:

"Through fertile land revealed beneath the melt
A mighty river now begins to flow."
What a way to describe this rebirth. I like the visual quality that you have weaved into each line of description. Nature is the dominant image here -- the vivid desert, the pristine snow -- and of course the image of that lush and bountiful garden, finishes the poem perfectly.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I'm afraid I could find no faults in these areas! Everything looks peachy.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Your form is near perfect, and your play on words, a real treat. I only noticed one small error in your meter that I'm guessing you overlooked.
In the following:

"And cuts through pregnant soil like a knife."
This one line is missing a syllable.

FAVOURITE LINES:(S)

"In waves of heat its radiance is felt
On discontented deserts white with snow."
It is the use of the metaphor that is so strong throughout this piece, and these lines are yet another example of its execution. The idea that the heat from this 'lamp' is thawing the dark blanket that shrouds mankind, is brilliant.

"Yet in the spot it forced the earth to bleed
A garden now emerges filled with life."
Again, the figurative language is given in admirable helpings, but it is also the imagery of the new Eden that is blooming from the gift of blood -- not only lush with nature, but also, the redeemed.

Liam, this is another example of your levels of skill for writing poetry. I look forward to reading more of your craft in the future. Thank you so much for sharing with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

137

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3565113

Review of An Old Age Sonnet

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Barnaby Aloysius

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
A poem aimed at grumpy old people ... hmm

It sounds like you have experienced this phenomena first-hand! Is this an ode to the relatives? I like the way you question the emotional process of aging, and the associated feelings of relinquishing that zest for life. It's in the latter stages of life that people seem to give in to the effects of aging; because they no longer have the means or the inclination to do the things that once gave them purpose. I think you seem to be asking why that has to be the case; and offering the alternative, which is to focus on the highlights of their life and continue to make more, instead of conceding defeat.

CONVENTIONS:
You have tackled a structured form, and for the most part you have adhered to it. An important facet of the sonnet is maintaining the correct syllable count through all fourteen lines. Not all sonnets contain lines of decasyllables, but this is the more common syllable count, and even sonnets with varying syllable counts should be consistent throughout. I noticed that your lines varied, where they should have had ten per line. Your end-rhyme is flawless and natural, and there is only one instance where it doesn't quite work. 'Lost' and 'mist' don't quite work. You have excelled with your use of figurative language, and your use of the metaphor creates such great imagery!
Examples of your excellence:

"a raging storm to sink a youthful fleet."
It is here that you name to the ravages of time a 'raging storm,' and describe how life's twists and turns can take the joy out of living. Great metaphoric language.

"and recall your life’s poem verse by verse;"
What a great way of describing the chapters of life.
Your real strength lies in your ability for creating tangible images with descriptive language. You definitely have a flair for poetry!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great, but there were a couple of punctuation bugs. In the following:

"Think not of age as a cruel brigands curse" AND

"raise your eyes, look upon horizons sky"
"brigands" and "horizons" need apostrophes because they are possessive.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would only suggest that you look at the metrical structure of your poem so that it conforms more to the form of a sonnet. Other than that I think you have done a great job on all other aspects of this piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)

"Confounded eyes reflect hues of colour lost
bent ever downward to ponder weary feet,
shuffling a path through a reproachful mist;
a raging storm to sink a youthful fleet."

In a poem focused on grumpy, old people

, you have given a popular portrayal of the stigma that is attached to this age-bracket. There is the sense of giving up and focusing on times past, while allowing these things to completely squash the inner-child.

Barnaby, once again you have created a visual piece that I enjoyed reviewing. Thank you so much for sharing your craft with me.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

138

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3557756

Review of Bluetooth Blues

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with The Lucky Leprechaun's Gro...

Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)

A Miss Bee Review

This review is a part of the package you received from "Invalid Item" ! Congratulations!

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:

Hi Carol! I found this short story to be a pleasant surprise. Not because I doubt your ability as a writer, but because of the target audience it was written for. I found myself interested from beginning to end, regardless of the subject matter of this teenage tale. It's an excellent and entertaining story. We have your typical luckless geek that's in the midst of puberty, and worse still, a phase of unrequited 'love.' His obvious ardor pays homage to those feelings of the desperate angst that teenagers are so privy to. Poor Christopher is pining for the vivacious Roxanne, and his attempt to win her is entertaining, if nothing else. I found it hard to feel sorry for Christopher, because he was just as oblivious to his secret admirer, as Roxanne is oblivious to him! When passions are firing, there is only one way to douse the flames, and mouse-like Lydia just doesn't make the cut.

OPENING PARAGRAPH:

I was hooked from the first sequence. You drew me into the character's world, and his feelings of longing and embarrassment are described to perfection. It wasn't hard to imagine this boy perched on his chair with a flaming face. You give so much description here, and the way you have done it is almost poetic. So concise yet artistically woven.

PACING AND DESCRIPTION:

These areas are perfection! As I mentioned above, your descriptions are so strong, and they create images of every character, and their environments. What I like is how you give such detailed description of the characters, and it is interjected into the story seamlessly. It never feels like you are spoon-feeding the details.
DIALOGUE:

What can I say? It's natural and believable, and not once did I question the flow of the interaction between any of the characters. Each one has their own voice that is unique and character-building. Christopher's friend is perfectly obnoxious, Roxanne is completely self-absorbed, and Lydia is simply sweet and unassuming. Of course she is! What other choice do the 'nerds' have!? Although Christopher is just plain snide at times, so I guess he has given himself the choice!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

No faults to be found in these areas. Wow! You are clever.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

If there was one area that I thought could use some clarity, it was within a section of the dialogue. It is when Christopher decides to use the bluetooth to aid in his romantic pursuits. It is at the point when he enters into conversation with Roxanne, and the romantic engineer. I did find I was questioning who was talking to who at different points. I don't know if you would want to add a small helping of speech tags to improve the clarity, or simply break up the flow of the dialogue with a little information to help the reader along.
I found it a bit confusing between the following pieces of dialogue:

"Bluebird."

"Where?"

and

"Okay."

"What?"

It's this dialogue and the dialogue in between where I found I had to re-read to ascertain the full meaning. I think it's because it's a three-way conversation, and it isn't always clear who is doing the talking. After this section, the dialogue flowed perfectly, and there was no question about who was doing the talking.

FAVORITE LINE(S):

Where to start?? I have selected just a couple of my favourite lines.

"He snatched up his textbook and hid his flaming face in marching triangles and parading parallelograms. The delicate scent of lilac wafted across him as she flounced to her seat and beamed at her friend, Lydia. He scowled in annoyance as Lydia's mouse-like form obscured his view of the lovely Roxanne, and he squirmed in his seat, craning his neck to catch a glimpse of her cat-like beauty. Her eyes glanced his way, and his heart quickened."

I couldn't leave any of this out! What perfect descriptions you give in this opening sequence. This hooked me, without a doubt, and I couldn't have left the story until I finished.

"Then why do you look like a red dwarf about to go supernova? She's on the cheerleading squad, you nerd. She's more likely to notice a cockroach than guys like us."

The above lines are just one example of your sublime descriptive language. I could feel Christopher's pain!

"Christopher picked at the pimple on his nose and pondered what to do. He had his dad's credit card for emergencies. If the state of his love life didn't constitute an emergency, what did?"

This is plain funny. Christopher picks his pimple while contemplating dad's credit card. His thoughts are so typical of a selfish teen. Great job!

Carol, you and Max have done a brilliant job with this story, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you so much for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

139

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3556450

Review of Road-Kill Crow

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A Rising Stars Review

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
What I enjoyed the most about this poem was the way that you captured the essence of the crow. You have described it perfectly. They truly are opportunistic scavengers of the road, and your use of language is nothing short of artful as you epitomise these desert stragglers. Images flowed with every line, and the cheeky countenance of this feathered 'diner' is so dominant that there can be little sympathy as he lies on the highway in his last moments, lamenting his undernourished state. There is something creepy about these scavenging birds, in the way they show little fear for anyone or anything, and you portray this trait perfectly. Great job!

CONVENTIONS:
This poem is so rich with figurative language. Your use of rhythm and rhyme are excellent, and I think your choice to omit punctuation works well.
The road-kill is described in rich metaphor as fast-food that is available from the 'concrete road diner.' I think the biggest strength in this poem is your use of descriptive language.
Wonderful descriptions in the following:

"A taste of misfortune stuck in his throat"

How does misfortune taste? I have no idea, but I got a sense of it from this wonderful description, and it enhanced the hapless existence of this creature.

"He defiantly gestures to each passerby"

Again, this gives a fitting character-profile of these birds, and the cocky resilience that seems to leak out of them.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There was only one thing I noted in the sub-heading, and the first stanza. In the following:

"The road kill crow keeps his eye on the road"
'road kill' should be hyphenated.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
Only what I mentioned above. Otherwise, I can find no fault with this piece!

FAVORITE LINE(S):

"The road kill crow keeps his eye on the road
As he picks over lunch with his friend,
A taste of misfortune stuck in his throat
While he struts in the dry desert wind"

Great rhythm and imagery in this stanza! Your descriptive language here is excellent, and it invokes strong images of the environment, and it's ebony crusaders.

"One has to be quick he sneers to his chum
For the road rewards only the clever
Disaster assaults any weakness it finds
And remorse then will linger forever"

There is a strong sense of irony in these lines. It is in the way the crow 'sneers' at his 'chum', and I just know he would quickly feast on his friend's flesh if the opportunity presented itself.

Thank you for sharing an original poem with me. I enjoyed the opportunity to review your craft!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

140

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3552872

Review of Times, They Are A-Changin'

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Winnie Kay

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
What you have created is a poem that focuses on the view-point of a more conservative type of lady. She is obviously of a generation that believes in presenting themselves a certain way in public, and more to the point, in church! She is shocked and appalled at the dress-sense of these unconventional believers, and I found her reaction to them to be quite amusing. I could picture this lady quite clearly in my mind; her starched frock, the Sunday hat, but mainly, her carriage. I believe she would have a very refined air to her as she surveys the unruly youths that have come to share her faith. The best part of this poem is the imagery. I was with you every step of the way, and I related to this lady and her mannerisms. This is exactly how I remember my nana! She would have been right beside this lady at the pew. I did like how you finished the poem with a note of unity. The tone was of acceptance, regardless of any other factors.

CONVENTIONS:
I like this form of poetry. It has a great rhyme scheme, and the way you execute it is very clever. Everything is tied up in a neat bundle, and your rhythm is perfection. This is a fantastic story, packed with imagery and choice descriptive language. The touches of alliteration and assonance give this piece an easy, roll-off-the-tongue quality. One line flows into the next where you have used enjambment, and the end-rhymes are easy, without ever seeming calculated. Creating end-rhyme that isn't forced is a skill in itself, and you have managed to do it convincingly -- this is aided by what is obviously a strong vocabulary.
Just one example of your use of alliteration and assonance:

"There’s scores of souls in ghastly clothes."
The repetition of the 's' and 'o' sounds, dominate this line.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas, and your use of punctuation creates a great flow, and sets the pace at every turn. The way you place your periods in the second stanza forces a great rhythmic beat. Great work!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This is a perfectly well-rounded poem that is a delight to absorb. I fail to see how you could make it any better.

I only have one small suggestion (empahsis on suggestion.) I always think a title is very important to the piece you are writing about. Although I see why you have titled your poem so, I tend to think a cliche doesn't do justice to the originality of your piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"I don my hat and gloves and hose
To venture out and take repose
In Sunday praise. But wait – Oh my!
There’s scores of souls in ghastly clothes."

I could just quote the whole poem, but that would be the lazy way! I have settled on the first stanza simply because of the imagery that comes with it. That first line has some nice alliteration, and it is very catchy.

This is a very smooth form, and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing your work with me. I look forward to reading more of your creations in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

141

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3550179

Review of MY "TO DO" LIST (Seussically speakink!)

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Carol St.Ann 👓

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
When I saw the reference to 'Seuss' in the sub-heading, my interest was instantly piqued! This master of rhythm, rhyme, and general nonsense would be proud of the 'Carol version' of his method.

This is a perfect example of having too many jobs to do, and not enough hours of daylight to do them in. The way you've formatted 'To do' suits the subject matter, and I felt the hectic, frazzled state that you were reliving when you wrote it. Your list tells a visual story, and I could see this day laid out in a series of events. I was left wondering where the slot for sleep was allocated! You have crafted a relatable piece that is a large slice of reality, and it translates into a fun tale. Feed your muse some chocolate and see what else the two of you can come up with! How presumptuous of me! Is it a she or a he?

CONVENTIONS:
You have done a great job on the rhythm and rhyme of this piece, and it bounces along well. It has a quick pace that creates great flow, and the short, tight lines are quite seusstastic! Alhough this piece isn't overflowing with a bounty of metaphors, it works on entertainment value, and the plain statement conveys the feeling of being stretched too thin. Your use of enjambment works well, and one line rolls into the next in these instances.
The highlight for me was definitely your end-rhymes, Carol. They blend with the rest of the poem -- obedient rhymes that they are!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
As usual, your spelling and grammar seem to be spot on. Great job!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't see any areas that need improving!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Ignoring the book
Won't get me a deal.
Got to face Logan;
How daunting it feels!"

All of the stanzas have equal value, but this has a particularly easy flow to it, and it expresses that feeling of being overwhelmed by the 'have to' list.

I found this poem to be very entertaining, and I will be back for more! Thank you for the read.

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

142

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3548848

Review of Maybe, Maybe Not

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, SWPoet

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
The parent/child relationship is no doubt one of the most complex that can be experienced, and it is often said that it defines all other relationships in people's lives. There is a deep-seated need for all children to relate to their parents, and nurture that relationship, but as you mention in your poem, this is not always the way it is. You make the point that no matter how much love there is between father and daughter, or mother and son, outside influences and obligations can still outshine the compulsion to foster that relationship. The narrator is in a childlike mind state, and this is evident in the way she talks about chasing, wanting attention, and still being in need. There is a slightly sad tone, because there is that sense of having to let go of something that has influenced who you are, and though it is still there, the dynamic has changed. The desire to get it back is evident in every line.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a very good example of a free-verse poem. Not only do you give emotional impact through your form, and the way you use punctuation, and pauses, but the flow is seamless and creates an easy flow.
The beauty lies in the plain statement and story-telling quality that you use -- some nice touches of figurative language -- and your ability to weave all of this into a real story that anyone can understand and relate to.
Some nice examples of your use of the metaphor are in the following:

"when I reach for him,
and he's already
slipped
into his cave and I hear my mother's warnings,"

The way you call an emotional respite a cave creates a great visual. Though simple, it is still a reality that anyone can see and imagine.

"I’ve been chasing your shadow so long
I never even stopped to ask you
if your shadow forgot to tell you that I called
or that sometimes
I trip in the chase of you, and skin my pride,"

Both the shadow, and the pride are real beings with feelings and intention. Great job!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I only found one small error in the following:

"Its that shadow, you see,"
'Its' should be 'it's,' in this case.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There are no suggestions that I can make to improve upon this poem. The free and easy style that you have set works on many levels. Great job!

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Don’t get me wrong, had you seen me fall, or heard me call your name,
I know
you would have been there to lift me up again,
to clean my wound, to wipe my tears.
That brings me to another question.
Would it have been easier had I been able to blame you for being callous, uncaring?"

This was the first point in the poem that I really understood the relationship between the narrator and her father. It is easy to relate to the feelings that are being experienced, and the depth of love is portrayed in a real way -- unconditional, yet not always attainable.

This is another example of your flair for poetry. You are a gifted poetess, and I thank you for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

143

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3546954

Review of When The Moon Moves Me

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, VictoriaMcCullough

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I hesitate to draw a conclusion on the meaning behind this poem. I'm not sure if the lovers have parted, with one of them on the receiving end of a broken heart, or if it is a case of a love that cannot be, for whatever reason. Whichever it is, there is a depth of passion and sadness that leaks out of every line. This person is thoroughly consumed by the one they want the most, and it seems that there is nothing that can relieve them of this angst. I like the way you talk about being sick with love, and how nothing can ease the heartache. The affection felt is made stronger when the missing lover is described as a thing of such beauty.

CONVENTIONS:
This is an emotional free-verse that flows unhindered, and it is only enhanced by your use of convention. The stand-out feature of this poem for me was the allusion you provided when you speak of Pygmalion. Instantly the depth of passion that is felt becomes clearer, as the feelings of longing and obsession are mirrored by those experienced by Pygmalion; the mythological sculptor who wanted nothing more than what was seemingly unobtainable. Another example of this is your use of the word 'mooncalf.' I wonder if the narrator is naming herself a fool for being the victim of a love that is no longer reciprocated.
The following are some sweet similes!:

"when you glow like satin
and sound like couplets
on beauty"

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are a few things that created some confusion when I first read this piece, and I think they could be easily avoided with the addition of some extra punctuation. As you have used punctuation in areas, I think you might consider continuing it through where needed. I will mention my suggestions below.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
There a few little inconsistencies where you have completed a thought but omitted to use a period. Even though it is followed by a capital in some cases it still creates confusion.

In the following:

"Why wasn't it me
who shaped the moon
just so"
Suggestion: You might use a question mark after 'so.' It makes the
meaning much clearer.

I would suggest that you use a period at the end of the following lines:
"for my own good"

I thought you might use an ellipses after the following:
"fantasies" and
"steal"

Even though your have used a free-verse form, you might consider continuing your use of punctuation, or omit it altogether, but the former method removes any doubt about your meaning.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Why wasn't it me
who shaped the moon
just so"

The beginning lines are just a sample of the lovely language that you have used throughout. This first question that you posed drew me into the emotion, and gave me the sense that the narrator had no control over something that they longed for. The moon is a great comparison for this relationship, or union. It is a thing of beauty, but out of reach, and too powerful to be controlled.

"only waiting for you
to deepen me in a good
night sleep
when you glow like satin
and sound like couplets
on beauty
that no dead eclipse could
steal"

Yet another sample of your wonderful use of figurative language! The longed-for lover brings the gift of fantasy to the narrator in the midnight hour. This person is living for the experience where their love is reignited. This would be one of those dreams that you don't want to wake up from.

You have delivered a passion-fueled piece of poetry, and I thank you for sharing it with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

144

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3543297

Review of Castles in the Sand

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

Blue sky and vibrant sun
The scene for
Towering castles in the sand.
Hours from start ‘til done
Quite a chore
But ever seen a site so grand?

Competition so tough
On the beach
A child’s play turned serious.
The prestige is enough
Within reach
Winning makes me delirious.

A third annual win
For this old
Professional sand castle king
I’ll return once again
Go for gold
With next year’s sandy offering.

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, Jeff

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Sand castle building is one of the more obscure hobbies that you don't often hear about, although those that call themselves enthusiasts would probably disagree. It is an art in itself, and the Sand Castle King that is returning obviously has the golden touch.

This is a tiny story that evolves in one continuing image. It starts with what appears to be a child's playground, filled with shovels and pails -- innocent creations from an upended bucket -- but as the poem progresses it becomes a competition between serious sand-lovers.

. It becomes apparent that the competitors aren't simply spending a day out at the beach, but rather, are vying for top spot with their artistic endeavours.

CONVENTIONS:
I always enjoy having the opportunity to review different forms of poetry. This is one that I particularly like, and though I haven't tried it myself, I think it would be an interesting form to experiment with. The beauty of this poem lies in your use of descriptive language. Your first line sets the scene, and all I needed was the bright sun and blue skies to get a lovely image of the beach, complete with crashing waves and gentle breezes. Your use of enjambment creates a nice flow, and each line is a seamless continuation from the last. And last but not least; the star of the piece is your rhythm and rhyme. Great job!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

In your meter:

"Hours from start ‘til done"
This line has five syllables rather than six.

"A child’s play turned serious."
This line has seven syllables rather than eight.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"A third annual win
For this old
Professional sand castle king
I’ll return once again
Go for gold
With next year’s sandy offering."

The narrator becomes a character in this stanza, and he is clearly definable as someone who is fanatical about his 'sport. 'I like the double meaning in the following:

"Go for gold
With next year's sandy offering."

The 'gold' describes both the sand, and the victory.

'Castles in the Sand' is creative and colurful, and I enjoyed your example of this challenging form. Thanks for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review

145

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3543077

Review of Dark Poet

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

A"Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, 🌖 HuntersMoon

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
This poem has a great theme to it, and this is only enhanced by the fabulous image that you've used. This image is madness, although I don't necessarily think the dark poet is being portrayed this way. It is more about the thoughts that might be deemed unhealthy or strange; the thoughts that most have at one time or another. Poetry with deeper meaning is usually an expression of the true self, or a part of it, and you explain this in detail when you talk about the poet purging these thoughts on the paper, and relieving himself of the burden. The dark, unusual tone that you have set makes for a unique piece of writing. Great job!

CONVENTIONS:
Your use of convention in this poem is very strong, and you have a natural sense for creating imagery through figurative language. This poet's dark thoughts are personified throughout, and this is done so artfully that these thoughts come to life, and almost have a malicious agenda. For the most part your rhythm and rhyme are excellent, but I found the rhythm a little awkward in one line, and I will mention this below.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
This is merely a suggestion, but I thought that your rhythm faltered slightly in one line.

In the following:

"Delivered from its shackles,
I place it on parole.
I find that I am free at last
of its droning control."

On reading, the final line in this stanza seems to need an extra syllable to make it smoother. I would like to offer a suggestion for an alternative wording.
As follows:

"of its droning thought control." OR
"of its droning mind control."

If you read either one of these lines in context of your stanza, I think you will find the flow easier. Once again, this is just my opinion, so feel free to disregard it if the desire takes you.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Delivered from its shackles,
I place it on parole.
I find that I am free at last
of its droning control."

Yes, strange but true; the area that I feel needs a little doctoring is also my favourite. Figuratively, this stanza is a dream. I love how you name these 'unbalanced' thoughts, and give them life as an entity that has been released.

Ken, I think you are an excellent poet, and in my opinion this poem is one of your best. I thank you for sharing your work with me, and look forward to reviewing more of your poetry in the future!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review

146

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3537988

Review of Tributaries

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

Greetings, SWPoet

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there! First of all I would like to commend you on writing such a wonderful piece of poetry. There are so many layers and ways of interpreting the little nuances that are hiding beneath the more obvious meaning. Your more obvious point is what first spoke to me. What passion you have exuded in every line, with each tribute to the female oozing empowerment. It really gives a great message about equality between the sexes, and reiterates the fact that women are on an even footing with men regardless of any attempts to imply otherwise. Mother nature is the touchable force here, the larger metaphor for the trials women face in proving themselves as equals. Your reference to women being the life-source, the selfless passage for others to travel by, is only equaled by the reference to yin and yang, male and female, weak and strong, positive and negative. I can see so many likenesses between the female and Mother Nature within the piece. You talk of 'her' being held back, forced to conform, or be molded by the hand of man. Again, the similarities are so well-considered. Overall I think your message is one of embracing equality and encouraging growth, not hindering it because of insecurities. Inspirational writing!

CONVENTIONS:
Wow! Where to start? I enjoy free-verse poetry when it is this well-written. This is a little stroke of genius, the content is so strong and thought-provoking, there is so much depth to the piece, and the flow is absolutely seamless. A pace is set from beginning to end, and your use of enjambment makes it is easy to get lost in the meaning. This poem is one big metaphor for male and female, and your endless comparisons are a real treat. Your descriptive language is so rich insightful, and the visual dynamics that come with it give clear imagery of the beauty of nature, her strength, and the strength of the feminine energy. Mother nature is a dominating feature that highlights every point that you make. Very clever!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas are perfect! Everything here flows flawlessly, and the piece is well-punctuated.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
How can you improve on perfection?

This poem is so well-executed that I fail to see how you could make it any better.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"for she has cut mountains, carved stones, parted for great men
and still she has the grace to hold you in her arms.
She has contained countless souls within her womb, allowed them
to swim in her tranquil waters, protected from the pain of this world.
Offer yourself to her, for through your faults and insecurities,
your name, like the signatures of tributaries,

will remain forever etched
upon her weathered face."

Let's not forget just how important the female role is

Who could after reading this powerful piece? There are a thousand cliches that could be used, "Behind every great man ..." etc, but you have said it so much more eloquently.

This has to be one of the best poems I have read for some time, and I thank you for giving so much effort to creating something this worthwhile. I'm sure it was no mean feat. I look forward to the opportunity to review you again! Thank you so much for sharing!

Regards,
Mandy

Coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, group leader of Ink Blot Authors,and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

147

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3533666

Review of It Feels So Good, So Take A Chance On Me

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Jim, you have come up with a very original idea here. You have everything from the Monkees to the Eagles, and what a tribute to some great artists and pieces of music! You must have had fun compiling this list, and organising them into some sense of order that has meaning. You have accomplished this without doubt, and I believe it would have been a challenge to create this structure while still using convention. I'm guessing that these artists are some of your favourites, and I have to commend you on your taste. How could you go wrong? What I like the most is the way you have crafted a story from a puzzle of song titles, and it's all about love on the rocks! Artful work, Jim. All of these love songs are making me feel like a natural woman ...

My apologies!

CONVENTIONS:
Good job with your rhythm and rhyme. Achieving good flow with these elements can sometimes be tricky, but you have managed it, with an added level of difficulty. You remained true to the titles and maintained a steady rhythm and rhyme. There was only one rhyme that didn't quite gel, but I can appreciate that you are bound by the constraints of using words that can't be altered, so that is really an insignificant detail.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
These areas look great!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
The only thing I could mention is the end-rhyme in the following lines:

"Let’s challenge our love, and take it to the limit
We’ll get closer to each other, see the fire re-lit"

This is one of those situations where you just can't mess with the product

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Without you, my love is like dust in the wind
I can’t smile without you, nor can I pretend
It feels so good, I never want to let you go
But I have heartache tonight; I’m missing you so"

Of the four stanzas, I thought this was the most fluent and convincing as a whole.

Thank you for adding your own style to this piece of poetry. You have a sense of adventure with forms of poetry that makes for an interesting read. I enjoyed the little music clips that played as I read and recognised the individual songs within the piece. Yes, I do believe you have added audio to the list ... mmm, that's something you don't experience in every poem. Thank you so much for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

148

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3533109

Review of Nowhere

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE: Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
I can hear a symphony of sighs all around me when I read this poem. The depth of love is almost tangible, and your words really tugged at my heart. It's a rare thing to be able to express your emotions so fully, and at the same time tease the emotions of another. Well done. It isn't often that I read a piece of poetry and feel genuinely touched by the meaning, much like the way I was with this beautiful piece. This is nothing short of ultimate devotion for another, and the love that flows so honestly is ... I'm not even sure how I would describe it, but I had a moment when I read the last word of this poem. I felt sadness for the wounded lover who has her barriers up, afraid of giving of herself, and felt admiration and a warming to the narrator, who is so determined to break down the defenses of the one he loves. Love, patience, loyalty and devotion. All of these things are expressed masterfully and I would put this small but sweet poem in with my list of favourites. I was inspired by this emotional delivery of love.

CONVENTIONS:
This is free-verse that definitely works. Seamless poetry that has no set rhythm and rhyme, yet engages the reader with the emotional pull and depth of expression is the definition of success in this form. I was absorbed by the story, and though you have used plain statement -- what emotional statement! Your use of enjambment works very well, and each line rolls into the next without hitch. What I did get from this piece was a strong image of this couple, tied together through an unspoken bond that can't be broken; someone trying to heal the one he loves. Lovely.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
I found no fault in these areas, and I like the simple, effective way that you have used punctuation. That last line has such impact, and separating it from the last stanza is a little stroke of genius. The way you have formatted works!

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I can think of nothing that would improve this wonderful piece. It is a quality poem that I imagine you are most proud of.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"I will wake up beside you
even when you go to bed alone,
in your heart, having built a wall
even God will have trouble penetrating.
My love, I am going

nowhere."

This stanza has to be the most effective, and every line is effective. The unconditional love sets the tone, but it's that ending that wiggles its way into the heart. It is a promise of undying devotion.

I'm so glad I got the opportunity to review this piece, and I hope you create many more emotive pieces in the future because you seem to have a flair for writing with passion. Wonderful read! Thank you for sharing.

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

149

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3532026

Review of MOTHER AND CHILD

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: E

| (4.5)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE:

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
You've done a great job of the 'Symbiotic Acrostic Poetry' form. 'Mother and Child' is a fine example of two things with a strong connection, and all of the elements are well-balanced. The maternal note is dominant, but there is a nice transition from mother to child with an intermingling of the two. There is a strong sense of the unbreakable bond in this relationship. What a walk down memory lane!

CONVENTIONS:
You have adhered to the form perfectly, and your flow is good. There are only a couple of places where I paused, and I will mention these below.

Your descriptive language creates familiar images for any parent who has experienced these moments. I enjoyed your use of alliteration in the second line. "Of coddle and care." These are the little touches that make a poem special. This line in particular rolls from the tongue.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are a couple of areas that might need tweaking.
In the third line:

'Inately' should be 'Innately'
In the last line:
'Dependant' should be 'Dependent'
In the following:
'Help is on it's way.'
'It's' doesn't take an apostrophe in this instance.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:

Adjustments to the spelling and grammar.

This is merely a suggestion but I think you would improve this piece by omitting a couple of words from two lines.
As follows:
'The mother inately expresses her love and'
'Locked in and'
I know that these lines flow into the next, but 'and' tends to create pause, and I think you could easily remove these words from both lines and use a comma in their place. The meaning remains the same, but it would improve the flow of the piece.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Morning duties
Of coddle and care,
The mother inately expresses her love and
Her tender mercies as she
Embraces her little ones."

You have truly put the maternal in mother. A mother's sensitivities to her child are described to perfection, and your words exude tenderness. Also, the second line is my favourite in the piece, it's very catchy.

Thank you for sharing your work with me!

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

150

Only reviews from the past
14 days may be credited.

#3532005

Review of Crystal Rain

Review by Mandy

In affiliation with

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

A "Invalid Item"
"Weekly" Review
by Mandy

Your poem was selected for review by the leaders of "Passionate Mindscapes."
For the premise of our group’s activity, please see:
"Invalid Item"

To visit our enshrinees, please see:
"Invalid Item"

NOTE:

Please remember that the following comments and observations are only one person's opinion. Take what you can use but never be shy about discarding what you cannot. Most important of all, keep writing, improving, and contributing to our wonderful community!

OVERALL SENSE:
Hi there, I can see why this poem took first place in the 'Ten Lines of Poetry contest.' It is a thought-provoking read that is rife with emotion and a strong sentimental tone. This poem could certainly be interpreted in different manners, and I wasn't quite sure if it was a tale of two lovers who had to part, with one lamenting times past, or if it was a more tragic tale where someone has taken their own life. I tend to think it is the latter, but whatever the case, I enjoyed the artful way you delivered this piece.

CONVENTIONS:
This is a shining example of clever use of convention in poetry. Concise, yet so visual and interactive. The way you pose questions invites speculation into the nature of the relationship and why things have ended. As for your rhythm ... what rhythm?

I wasn't even aware of it, and that is definitely a good thing. The poem just flows without pause and your end-rhyme is excellent. The touches of internal rhyme and alliteration enhance the piece, and I had a clear vision of everything that transpired on the rain-soaked hill. Good work!

GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
This area is all sweet.

AREAS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I don't have any suggestions for improvement.

FAVORITE LINES:(S)
"Pinewood hill awaits New Year's Eve,
Fate beckons from over the ridge.
Loved you there, with your wind-blown hair,
Did you see you would take your leave?"

What a scene you have created here. The image of a cold, blustering hill, littered with pines, and fate personified as some sort of evil demon, calling the poor soul to their demise. I think the last two lines are the most touching within the poem.

Thank you so much for sharing another great poem with me! Another great creation.

Regards,
Mandy

Co-founder of Passionate Mindscapes, coordinator of The Lucky Leprechaun Raffle, and proud member of Rising Stars!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **