Kiya, I loved this. You did a great job creating images within your dialogue. There was no mistaking who was talking to who because of the different peronalities of each speaker, and you managed to get across a good message. I didn't spot any errors while reading either. Best of luck in the contest, though you shouldn't need it.
This is a good suspenseful story and I liked the imagery. I noticed a few things if you don't mind my suggestions,
Iam--there are a few places where there are no spaces like this--I am
It might be better to spell out numbers like 3 knuckles and 30 seconds--- three knuckles .. thirty seconds
There are places where compound sentences do not have commas--30 seconds lataer he tried it again and it started-- Thirty seconds later he tried it, and it started. There were a few more throughout the story.
I did enjoy the story and look forward to reading the rest! Gale
Hello xRainx, I liked the images and descriptions in the poem. I enjoyed reading it as well. Didn't find any errors of typos. Great Job! *bigsmle* Gale
Hello Walden, I love this poem. It's sweet and the images and words are beautiful. You said it was long, but when it's something this nice it doesn't matter you had to take the time to say what you had in your heart. Great Job! Gale
Hello, loves2write, I like this it's sweet and I know what you mean about your first born. They were your first experience of loving someone more than anyone else on this entire earth. You never know how much love you have to you have a child. Thanks for sharing. Gale
hello, I really liked this. I like how at he end we find out how unworthy he was or her. That's good cause when reading through the poem I thought the writer felt unworthy of the other person. Great job on this. gale
This is a good story and I enjoyed reading it. The only thing that might make it a bit easier to read in my opinion is to break up the dialogue in the first paragraph like you did later in the story.The plot was great and it's not something I had read before. Good Job. Gale
Lilly, the revisions make the story more exciting, and you put more explanation into why she was daydreaming in class. You've done great. Is this a chapter, or are you planning just to extend it to a short story? I think your idea would make a great chapter book for young adult reading. Great Job! I look forward to reading more of Marci and Kiki's adventures. Gale
Hello Sillybearcbb This isn't a long poem, but it says a great deal about the meaning or love symbolized with wedding bands. In my opinion it is beautiful. I look forward to reading more of your work! Gale
Hello Liberteen!
This is the second piece I've read of yours and it's great too. I loved the way you show how she becomes infauted with the teacher and them to find out he's gay. This had me laughing. I enjoyed it. *lauging* Gale
I know freedom sounds good, but chocolate is the most wonderful thing ever made. I would probably be a very large woman, but I would be a happy woman, or maybe sick from all the sugar. Now I'm having second thoughts the chocolate tree sounded good before i thought about it too much. Good question though, gale
Fairly amusing story, good images and believable characters. I did see couple of places where a semi colon for colon may have been better than a comma, that's just my thoughts though.
marker pen{;: }Corbin
trip to the A&E{;:} Corbin
or maybe even making them two seperate sentences. Just a suggestion. I hope this helps. Gale
I liked it, but it didn't have an easy flow for me as a reader. The images are good and it is a creative piece, but this is just my thoughts and you can take them or forget them. I am only trying to help. Keep on writing you are doing good. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Gale
I found this to be very well written and you do get your point across. Images are good and rhythm and rhyme are flow well. You've done a good job here. I will look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Sincerely, Gale
Beautiful poem and very well written. I enjoyed the images created by your descriptions. Everything flowed along nicely. I didn't notice any errors. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Gale
I enjoyed this. There are some good images here and it reads through fairly easily. I didn't notice any errors standing out while reading. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Keep writing your doing a great job Gale
I found this to be creative and I like the way it is written getting smaller and then expanding. the images are clear and it is quite beautiful from my point of view. I enjoyed this one and look forward to reading more of your work in the future.
Sincerely,
Gale
I enjoyed this creative poem. It actually made me feel the walls closing in around me. I like the way it's written, unusual yes, but still a good flow to it.I look forward to reading more of your work in the future. Great job on this one!!
Sincerely,
Gale
I liked the way this is written. It's original and sweet. The flow is nice and easy to read through. I didn't notice any errors or typos, so I can only give it a five. I hope to read more or your work in the future. Great job with this one!! Keep on writing!
Gale
It's gets your point across and it is a nice poem. I believe you misspelled feel. You've done a good job of using descriptive words and phrases. I don't want to sound as if I know it all this only my thoughts and suggestions that you can use as you see fit.
Sincerely,
Gale
I think this is a creative poem and that it is nicely written. I really don't see much in the way of errors or typos and your grammar seems to be fine. The only part that strikes me as not fittiing in is the longer lines. They break up the flow as a person is reading. good job though. I hope this helps and wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Gale
This is a poem that depicts a sad situation where a child is not assertive or big enough to take control. I think it is nicely written and the images are good, it's just provokes feelings of despair inside me. I'm not saying I don't like it because I do think it is good work.
Sincerely,
Gale
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