Overall, your story was good. However, I did have some problem areas:
his head(,) revealing short(-)cut(,) blond hair and sleepy(,) light-blue
the top two team(s) would
each team would meet each team for the preliminaries for two innings, then the top two team would play for the championship. Round three, Team Six and Team Five battled inning after inning with the score tied.
>>>> Confusing? Round three ? What happened to rounds 1 & 2 ?? Is this the third preliminary game of round one? Is this game in extra innings (was supposed to be only two innings?)?
Two runs scored. = ?? If it was the last inning and the team scoring was the 'home' team, the game would have ended with the first run scoring! Since game ended with that inning bottom, only one run would have counted. Should be "The winning run scored."
a one(-)armed hug
“Since they’re only going to play one inning, = ???
>>>>No way! The championship game is only one inning when the prelims were two innings??? In one inning, only one-third of players might even get to bat in the championship game. Very, very unlikely.....without a whole lot of ticked-off players and parents!!! It is unbelievable that a championship game would not be at least three innings to allow all players in the starting lineup to bat at least once!
“Uh, oh, the first batter struck out. Shane’s up next. He hit one to left behind the short stop. He’s on first.” >>>> Too fast for live play by play! Need to slow it down somehow.
“Shane stole [to] second
Wow! (H)e hit one deep
Man! (H)e hit a
the head coach[,] from the university team hosting the camp[,] said as
1) The building wall stood at right angles
To the sidewalk where I walked,
On each brick a name embossed,
>>>>> If the wall was at right angles, it would be like an inverted T. You'd be walking.........then come to a wall at right angle l
l
................l........
Am I confused , or how could you read the bricks in the wall?? Seems the sidewalk should run parallel to the wall for you to read the bricks?? I'm confused!!
2)How can we e’re repay the debt >>> e're ??
This plays tricks to my eye : we e're ...
It looks like a typo! Is e're supposed to be ever? Then shouldn't it be e'er? Anyway, you might reconsider this wording.
The sun was expanding[;] ( -- ) going
nova, pulsar, quasar, blackhole, dwarf star, it didn’t matter. The world was coming to an end(!)
than it did yesterday(,)(w)hich
meant it
Give me a break, will you(?)
. We each have [are] (our) own style
it was true(;) he did not want
He (lay)[laid] down(,) and the coffin lid closed
Ah, to (H)ell with ya!”
He was ravenous[,] but
could not go
Suddenly(,) he tumbled down the steps, landing in a mass of dripping flesh. Trudeau[,] rushed to his side and (,)picking him up in his arms, carried his smoking body
lie still and rest(;) you might be able
his long(-)time friend
There is safty below >>> safety
of the mausoleum(,) desperately
Like I said in an earlier review, you write horror stories quite well!
Well-written story. Very suspenseful and well told.
I do offer the following suggestions for your consideration: ( ) = insert, [ ] = delete
had done all the essential homework [,]
and made the >>>>> delete comma
blond-headed (newswoman) was more interested in the
danger of the jump itself [rather] than the stupid idiot >>> newswoman....delete rather
climbed in the window(;)[,] all of the
glass had long
cameras and the crowd(,)
as he tightly buckled
designated half(-)mile point
shot forward(,) and time stood
all he could here >>> hear
dip downward(;)[,] he felt the
at this point[,] but to sit back and brace
end dipped lower(,) and Josh saw
He realized then[,] he was
opposite side[;] (,) mouths hanging open
Believability of story: I found it hard to conceive of the scenario given. Any experienced stunt driver who had figured a daredevil jump such as this would not be so far off as in the story in his estimate of how far the car would travel! He might have missed-figured by enough to not quite reach the other side and crash headfirst into the cliff beneath the rim, but it is not believable to me that he was so far off that the car turned nosedown and fell into the river below. A car traveling at 120 mph leaving a ramp would probably sail the necessary 90 feet in the story, no? [The distance was 50 yards (150 feet) minus the ramp's 20 yards (60 feet) extended over the rim equals only 30 yards (90 feet) to sail.] Anyway, I failed to believe it would/could happen as written.
The emotions a scene, an experience, an attachment evoke >>>> or is understood, eh? so evokes
A vital element of great poetry is concreteness, insisting on the specific, the concrete. Lines of poetry should present a concrete image. >>>There's a lot of 'concrete' here.... overuse of the word.
to Milton, the language of poetry was >>> is ?
have [been] evolved into
Might check your spacing between text, Some spaces seem too large.
Excellent writing! The story is gripping throughout.
A couple of things:
gave off whiffs of musky[,] mold
The sea breeze stoked her bare arms, >>> stroked ?
The time sequence of the last paragraph threw me. Is it immediately following the yelling and shots? Or is it the next morning or later? If immediately following, it is unlikely she would leave the safety of her locked house, plus it is midnight and she would not be "Her eyes searched the face of the distant cliff..." because it would be too dark to see two miles away. If later, then it does not transition very well from the end of the previous paragraph...too abrupt.
Other than these minor points, this is quite nicely written. You are an excellent writer of short stories!
“Omi, mother, please, you must come away from here before this rabble turns on us,” (o)ne of the younger women >>>>> one of ....Also, is 'mother' here how she refers to her mother so should be capitalized??
Can you not understand that my son is in there somewhere(?)”
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Using only one-syllable word throughout this must have been quite hard.
