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376
376
Review of Juliet Aurora  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, Mandik ~

This is a heartfelt story...very emotional.

I have a large number of suggestions for you to consider:

Finally[;](,) after almost five years, our hearts

promised the kids that(,) when school

end of July[- w](. W)e had looked(,) but nothing seemed "just right"[;](.) [and t](T)hen a tragedy had

unexpectedly, and so young-44. >>>>unexpectedly, and at so young an age, only forty-four.

[But] I was drawn

While her brother(s) pushed each other

we fell [o](i)n love with her (anyway).

rode home between my two children, at peace.
>>> home at peace between

whimpering at night[-](,) but we had decided

little thing[, s](. S)he loved to do

strong in this area[, s](. S)he seemed to know

would be Juliet[.](,) all curled up at the end

pretending to be sleeping(.)[!]

turned in[, t](. T)hen we would call to her(,) and she would

morning(,) and she refused

colds[, n](. N)o one was feeling to(o) well that weekend(,) anyway.

the matter(,) princess?

my cheek[,](;) I couldn't figure

she remarkably seemed better.>>> seemed remarkably better ??

took her (outside).

like a brick wall(.)[- iron- w] (W)hat I was sopping up was blood(,) and my puppy was >>>> iron??

more times(,) and each time (was) more red

The vet came in and asked so many questions.
"Could she have been poisoned?"
"no">>>"No."
"Ate something she shouldn't have?"
"no" >>"No."
"Has she had all her shots?"
"YES(")[,] [a](A)s a matter of fact, she was scheduled to be fixed on that upcoming Monday, Veterans Day.["]
>>>>Put spaces between different speakers.

They had no answers[, w](. W)e would have to wait (a half hour)for the blood tests (results).[, 1/2 hour.] [But i](I)n the (meantime) we were allowed to see her

white(,) and his hands

(Sometimes) puppies get [there](their) first shots to(o) soon,

the table[, t](. T)he black bars went to(o) far across the page. The numbers were to(o) high.

moment with her?[...]"

a (lifetime)! This can't be happening[, s](. S)he's just a baby. [n](N)o..."

control (ourselves),

Our baby was [dieing](dying) before our eyes(,) and we

let her go(.)[,] I

I knew she must be (hurting).

the pretty assistant, [that](who) suddenly reminded m[y](e)

brother[,] but then somehow stayed to(o)

bridge(,) but for some reason I feel

Cheers!

Harry
377
377
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This poem is quite thought-provking. His head falling off might have taken it over the top. Maybe the poem would be more realistic and poignant if he was a real person without any arms & legs having to earn a living this way. This might add another level to the issue of illusion and perception.

My suggestions for you to consider:

He danced(,) and he tumbled,

with merry smile tossed it(,) and he held

The crowd laughed(,) and they pointed[:](.) They laughed till they cried(,)

The crowd laughed(,) and they pointed[:](.)They laughed till they cried(,)

Cheers!

Harry
378
378
Review of 'Dante Alighieri'  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This reads well, having a nice sound and flow to it. I enjoyed it.

Just one suggestion have I:

of storm(-)swept tides

Cheers!

Harry
379
379
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

A very interesting story! I enjoyed the ending. It was a bit hard to follow at places, just because of all the names and different people. However, the story overcame its problems.

Some suggestions for your consideration:

with people(,) but one girl sat alone

the people around her[...s](. S)he’d been sitting there for hours it seemed(,) and the waitress

hard time(,) and with her flaring red hair, her

for your honeymoon(,) and we are not

had fifty years ago(,) and it made his heart glad. They lingered over coffee(,) pondering

all their daddy(,) and Lila loved

was wearing contacts[, e](. E)yes couldn’t possibly be that blue![.]

for their plates(,) and Cindy smiled.

And she thought she had problems Cindy thought >>> awkward wording

got coffee(,) and you weren’t any

tens and twenties[,](.) Her tips

startling blue eyes(,) drove past him[;](,)

Sheriff reached [j](J)immy’s car,

came [in to](into) the room(,) and his eyes went right to Sara(,) who was just

Cheers!

Harry
380
380
Review of Sirocco  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Robin ~

This poem's title is great. I also liked the structure you used in this poem. It adds to the desired effect quite nicely. The poem is thought-provoking and ends of such a note of hope. All in all, I much enjoyed the read.

I have no suggestions to make for improvement.

Cheers!

Harry
381
381
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This is a wonderful read, filled with great imagery. I much enjoyed.

Some suggestions for your consideration:

an ache in her bones(,)

the [Canada](Canadian) geese were shaftless arrows
shot from some instinctual bow(,)

Seven(-)years(-)old seems forever ago.
I've been beyond Florida without getting lost(,)

when I hear the geese flying high(,)

Cheers!

Harry
382
382
Review of Annie  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Robin ~

Very nicely written! You fill your poem with such great images that one can see the graveyard in its disarray.

Just a couple of minor suggestions for your consideration:

Some lilacs, memories and an old [n](N)ew [e](E)ngland cemetery

sentry in straight, even lines(,)

Cheers!

Harry
383
383
Review of Dimensions  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Mothermouse ~

This is a feel-good poem with many images to ponder.
Where would be without our memories and dreams?

Only a couple of suggestions for your consideration:

in a star(-)filled night.

To all the many future days(.)

Cheers!

Harry
384
384
Review of Spun Sugar Dreams  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.0)
Greetings, Mothermouse ~

This poem tells a good story of the passage of a woman's life and her missed dreams. Still, she finds dreams are worthwhile. I enjoyed the message.

This poem is a bit of a difficult read to me because it mixes phrases and fragments with complete sentences throughout. The punctuation is also difficult to follow.

Here are my suggestions for you to consider and do with as you please:

cotton candy(,) and Mama hands it to her.

a spun sugar dream.(")

Little girl of ten(,)

miss of seventeen(,)

over sex(,) and Tom turns

to ask her dad[;](,)
But Dad left long ago.

A woman of thirty(,)
She’s a wife and a mom of two.
“Mom, I wish I could ask you, >>>>> Confusing as to is she asking her mother or are her own children asking her??
so much to know---(")

Happy granny almost fifty(,)
Time has flown by fast.
She’s had time to herself at last[,](.)
Now she looks forward to family visits and the grandkids[;](--)
Making cookies, picnics in the park.
Bill is a big city lawyer(,)
And Becky’s husband

Devoted wife nearly sixty(,)
Married to a wonderful man[.](,)
They have their dreams and a plan.
One day he would retire:
There’s money enough(,) and they would travel(,)
But Ronnie died(,) and her health is failing.

Woman [A](a)lone at the end of her journey(,)

Life may have [it’s](its) illusions,(break)
but it’s worth the spun sugar dreams.

Cheers!

Harry
385
385
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Robin ~

This is a very good poem and timely. There is so much repetition with 5 of the 11 stanzas being identical that I wonder do you need the double repeat at the end?

and there's bombings in the schools
>>> there is bombings?? there're bombings

The way this is punctuated at present seems haphazard:

the end result becomes a war(.)
[i](I)t's always been this way......

and rational decisions flee
in the wake of pain and need(.)

[t](T)hen

some people point a finger


When a child is abused(,)
it matters not if mind or heart,
the pain's the same and lasting
'till a body search they start(,)

cannot be the way(,)

Overall, an excellent read!

Cheers!

Harry
386
386
Review of Fairy Tale  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

This poem is nicely written. I have no suggestions for any changes. *Smile*

Cheers!

Harry
387
387
Review of Winter Venture  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Fyndorian ~

I am no expert at sestina writing, but you appear to have done these in excellent fashion. You write narrative-style poems brilliantly. I tip my hat to your talent at these. This held my interest throughout, although I was distracted by the minor editorial errors:

A far(-)off dog barks and there, just beyond the grizzled apple tree(,)
is a large buck. Full(-)antlered, regal: he has survived winter.

Ignored[], we watch,

but it belongs to the winter(,) and spring will soon melt all the ice.

I watched the apple tree(, ?)
waiting for spring to waken
>>>>>> Who is doing the waiting? If you, then a comma is needed after tree. If the tree is doing the waiting, then no comma.

soy beans(,) and we now had

of the black walnut tree
a litter by the black-walnut tree
>>>> Be consistent, probably omit the hyphen here.

and some fertilizer[. O]( -- o)ur garden would

strange all day(,) and some

Third(-)generation kittens climb

against the black[-]walnut tree
And cried(,) although I wasn't

grown too complacent, too content(,)
Too trusting, too safe. Yet(,) as the sky lightened, I accepted

looking for hidden content(,)
But it is (straightforward).

I go to make coffee[. F](and f)ind the divorce papers

the leaves change:[,] they fall,

my world settles around me(,)
and I reach out,

Why did you switch from NOT capitalizing the first word in every line for the first two sestinas to capitalizing all first words in the last sestina? Then you break that format in stanza four, line 5 and in the poem's last line.

Overall, this is excellent poetry. *Smile*

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
Product Type: Book
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388
388
Review of Sleigh Ride  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings, Fyndorian ~

Another excellent narrative poem! You write these quite well. I thoroughly enjoyed the read.

I do have some suggestions for you to consider:

horse(-)drawn sleigh

to look at it[;](,)
really look at it.

a shiny(,) new penny.

words together(,)
which combined with her New England accent(,)
made her

open kind of face[,](;)

Admitting that [that] was sometimes the case(,)
I mentioned that people did seem to be able to talk to me[.]
[A](a)nd that(,) when I was talking to the lady down at the general store(,)
she said [that]
"I'd never get anywhere talking to the lady with the sleigh,
that I might as well give up as try.(")
>>>>>> Too many that's!!

My [D](d)addy courted my [M](m)amma in that sleigh.
>>>>> Either Daddy or my daddy...

place at the table. [,]

[A](a)nd, for a moment,

had planned(,)
but[,] something about

"Come round back with me(,)" she said,


Cheers!

Harry

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389
389
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, fyndorian ~

Wecome to WAR. This is a good read. It held my interest throughout.

I have a few suggestions for your consideration:

moved away[;](.)
[w](W)e lost the Almhurst brothers in the Great War(,)
along with Edward Dodge and Jerry Freemont[,](;)
the old folk grew older still ‘till they died. . .

The double(,) oaken doors opened
after the service(,)
and people spilled like beans

People ran panicked(,)

just stood there[;](,)
caught in a flash

bridge used to be[;](,)

the jagged clouds(,)
and thunder reverberated


Cheers!

Harry

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390
390
Review of Reconciliation  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

This is a truly excellent poem. I have only a couple of minor things for you to consider:

As unknown tears streak his cheeks,
>>>>> The use of unknown here confused me. Why would the tears be unknown?

His heartbeat slows, stutters, and dies
>>>>> If you used "stops" instead of dies here, it would carry through with the s-alliteration of this line and in the next two lines.

Good luck in the contest.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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391
391
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

The message here is quite nice. I like what this says.

I had problems with the way the first stanza is punctuated: You have two complete sentences but only commas.

Every person lives detatched,
Sealed in a cube of separateness,
We are each in our own sphere
Alone.

Should this be:

Every person lives detatched.
Sealed in a cube of separateness,
We are each in our own sphere
Alone.

OR

Every person lives detatched,
Sealed in a cube of separateness.
We are each in our own sphere
Alone.

Overall, a wonderful poem. Good joint effort with Becky.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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392
392
Review of You Don't Know  
Review by Harry
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Greetings, Texasranger ~

Your poem expresses well your anguish over this person. I think restructuring the poem would improve it greatly. At present you have "But you don't know it." nine times...too much repetition! Maybe combine two stanzas like this:

You consume my thoughts ~
Every single day.
Your image plagues my mind.
It fills my dreams at night...
But you don’t know it.

You’re my first thought in the morning ~
The last, before closing my eyes again.
I dream of falling asleep in your arms ~
And waking to your soft smile...
But you don’t know it.

Condense the remainder likewise.

Close the last three lines up into a stanza without spaces between the three lines.

With reworking, this poem has promise! *Smile*

Cheers!

Harry

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393
393
Review of Who Says....?  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Inky ~

At present you use punctuation sporadically. Be consistent and use it throughout.

"there is no God"[..]?
to His Majesty(.)
before His Greatness(.)
whole universe declare by [their](its) very existence[,] the power of His Creation(.)

you(,) an “[I](i)ntelligent” being(,) say there is no God(?)

is no God(,)
for [G](g)ranted.
in your own hands(.)[....??]

make life difficult[.](?)
no difference(.)
does exists(,) and that is

You state your message strongly.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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394
394
Review of Under the Bed  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gretings, Starr ~

This is an enjoyable poem that strikes a chord with everyone. *Smile*

I have only a few suggestions for you to consider:

I'm an adult now(,) and
I know

I know that's not true. >>> To what does 'that's' refer? The two lines preceding? The stanza above? This is somewhat unclear since you mean that 'there are things that can grab you' is untrue. You might want to reword this line.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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395
395
Review of The Chapel  
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

This is a well-written poem that expresses your feelings toward life. I enjoyed the read.

The extra length of the first line bothered me...but I am not sure how you could shorthen it to match the remainder of the lines better. You might revisit it anyway.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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396
396
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings, Dr.T ~

This story is quite sad but also quite informative and educational. You have done a good job with it. *Smile*

I have a number of suggestions for your consideration:

Natasha, or Natie for short(,) and

my note[-]book >>>> notebook

ice[-]cream >>> ice cream

stuff ever!" she [de](ex)claimed loudly
>>>>too many exclamtion marks. Every thing she says you end with !

grievously [wounded](injured).

But [S](s)heesh ... ! >>>> Three more exclamation points here....you use too many.

pull through(,) and I took [up] Natasha in(to) my household.

dripping ice-cream cone >>> ice cream

had to[,] but did not speak

the next one(,) too[!](.)

misted over(,) and her face became

it's like this, [u](U)ncle ...

to say "No" since I knew what a "[y](Y)es"

"Actually, [u](U)ncle, yes,

She(,) too (,)

Latika, my receptionist(,) and Salim, my lab attendant(,) were

just as Natie and Naina arrived(.) [ in our recently purchased, all new, Hyundai.] = unnecessary detail

strawberries and milk(,) and a hot cup

as I know something[!](.)"

calling on [M](m)adam's cellular,

"Hello, is that you(?)[,]"

some ice[-]cream here in the park

deterioration[,] and are just

soon, all[-]right?"

unconsciousness(,) and your wife says

on his chin[, h](. H)e had slimmed

but(,) Mrs. Shenoy, fortunately, I

diabetes(,)[ on her.]"

I was allowed to [meet] (visit) Natie.

left the PICU(,) and Naina and I went

of twice(-)daily insulin injections

drop of blood for [blood] glucose testing.

She(,) too(,) began to adjust

being a [P](p)ediatrician...

who held that(,) while he

certainly call me [up] as soon

"Oh(,) come now,

too helpful(,) and we had set

became sweaty(,) and my heart started

"Go on, [D](d)octor,"

a(b)normal echoes

was salient(,) but it threw us

her luxuriant(,) black hair.

strawberry ice()cream?

abdomen[,] and had also spread

promisi[s]ng me

all the time(,) and bunches of her hair

a few days(,) and we counted

a lot of weight(,) and the fever is

my nine-year(-)old wise

her [her](the) promised ice[-]cream

with her(,) and we cried with her.


CHeers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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397
397
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Greetings, Rasputin ~

I had not heard about this incident in Wisconsin. (I guess we live under big rocks here in Louisiana. LOL) I found it interesting, indeed. *Smile*

My suggestions for you to consider:

[8](eight) hunters were shot by

[H](h)unting websites

What concerns me[,] is this[;](:)

lobbies are (having), and will continue to have, a field day

usual hotheads[. T]( -- t)hose that blame

the shooter(')s true

all[,] just adding fuel[,] to an

It is not an accident when someone else pulls the trigger. >>> If he trips over a log and accidently shoots someone, it is!
not an accident when someone else (deliberately) pulls .... (which is the case here)

This means[,] no alcohol,

a privilege[;](,) a privilege

to [harvest] a deer. LOL (kill) a deer. In La, we kill our deer and harvest planted crops of peas, corn, etc.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
Product Type: Book
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398
398
Review by Harry
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Greetings, Viv ~

This poem is perfect as is. Sorry about your losing contact with your two grandchildren.

Have a Happy Thanksgivings!

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
Product Type: Book
Amazon's Price: Price N/A
399
399
Review of Dinosaur Lust  
Review by Harry
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Greetings, Nada ~

This is an interesting read. However, it is marred by too many errors:

does not know (or) care how old

that is right[,](;) menopausal women

we mai(n)ly hear about [about] is the

on the positive side(,) too.

of the hysterics[,] and begin to feel

accept your body[,]( -- ) fat or

rears [it's](its) gorgeous head.

are over[,](;) the kids

by this revelation[,](;) most are

movie star[,] or some other

them[, s](. S)o go ahead, enjoy these years[,](;) make

just Dinosaur Lust(,) afterall.

This should clean up rather nicely. It is a fun read.

Cheers!

Harry

ASIN: 1411600649
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400
400
Review of The Tree House  
Review by Harry
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings, Greengiraffe ~

Very nice descriptive piece! You made it sound so interesting to have lived there. *Smile*

I do have a few suggestions for you to consider:

The Tree [h](H)ouse

Their bright(-)green, plastic leaves
>>>>> Were the leaves green and bright...(bright, green,...) OR bright-green? Were they really plastic or plastic-like??

lorikeets[,] that would... OR ...lorikeets[, that](. They) would

were all opened(,) it felt like

by my father[, y](. Y)et(,) in my

so many things[. A] ( -- a) house to

Yet(,) this tree house

Cheers!

Harry

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