There are still a few minor things you haven't corrected, like a comma between "coffees" and "then". Several other comma instances.
The part about deciding how to hold the wallet while waiting was a little confusing. I had to reread it. Basically, she decided to keep it in plain sight, but hold it for security. So you might want to reword it or just punctuate differently.
The indentations are uneven, but that's just cosmetic.
The story is well told and has an upbeat ending. Just a little editing would clean it up.
Random Review
It's hard to review an item like this for me. I can't find any fault with it. You manage an ominous mood. I read it several times before I picked up the nice rhythm.
I have a different understanding of salvation, and of what God can and cannot do. Nonetheless, with this perspective it is a well-written poem, and it accomplishes its purpose.
Nice job.
Pumpkin
My first thought is that the name of the lyrics writer should be included, as well as the title of the song.
Next is that first paragraph is long and run-on. I would review for missing commas.Spelling and sentence structure seem to be okay.
When you get to "Everyone" was talking about us, who is everyone? Maybe you could say all my friends, or all my sisters, or my extended relatives. Paint a clearer picture for us of how extensive this is. How greatly are you outnumbered?
Redundancy: leave out the word actually. "talk to us personally" tells us what we need. Actually is an overused word in everyday talk, so writers need to be wary of using it.
"which in reality": put a comma after guys and change which to "when". Maybe you should leave out 'in reality' because it's your reality, not the reality of the other actors in this drama. "when we were doing what is right" gets your point across without being wordy. The reader understands it's your opinion.
Maybe you could start a new paragraph before you get into the KARMA part. Was the war one about ideas? Or was the idea of karma just a weapon being used? You can argue either way. We'd like to believe in karma, and use it to keep people living decently. But we know that criminals frequently get away with heinous crimes and good people frequently suffer despite their good acts.
At this point you get into your own personal despair and response, so that validates the need for a new paragraph. It's different from the background you have given. It's worthy of being separate from the rest.
Begin a new paragraph with the message from your sister and the song that came to mind.
The final paragraph would be your response, your elation the next day and conclusions. If you don't indent, you can put a space between paragraphs. It makes it look a little less jammed up and intimidating. I believe it's because you have so much emotion packed into this that you have run so much together so tightly. If you try to outline it a little, it will be clearer to you.
Content
We do have those special moments of personal insight or revelation. They are worthy of sharing with others and can offer a little hope or encouragement to an occasional reader. Your story is worthwhile. You do bring up some interesting things, the common concept of karma being just one.
Using Facebook or any social media for intense personal purposes is a modern phenomenon. It allows people to say things they wouldn't face to face, and they respond too quickly. Even before email, the written note could leave interpretation open. Seeing a person's face, hearing the tone of voice can save many wrong interpretations.
Another point you make is the email chain letter. I don't like them either. First, there is no magic in the number of responses or the number of minutes it takes to respond. Further, the ones that promise some good or bad outcome are hogwash. Sending ones with threats are especially bad. Why send your "friend" a message that promises something bad will happen if they don't do a certain thing or tell they are not a good citizen if they don't pass it on?
So the issues you bring up are valid. Readers will identify with them. Even if they don't agree with everything you take from the experience, they can still empathize with your story. I for one believe that God can speak to us through many means and voices. I think that is your primary point here, of all the points you make.
Keep writing and sharing your personal experiences.
Random Review
This sounds like the beginning of a very long tale.
Your attention to the senses, the smells, colors, sounds is very good. And you tell an intriguing story. The comments I'm going to make are intended to encourage you and help in your self-editing.
I can see the men dressing up to go out. My own grandfather and his brothers dressed up to go to town. They weren't Italian and didn't live in a big city, but it was something their generation did. So I couldn't tell if you were setting the scene, say in the 30's, or in a more modern era for a specific group or vicinity. A young father was probably in his 20's, but may have been older. If there is more to come, the reader could figure it out in subsequent chapters. For a solo article, you wonder about the era.
Writing details: Commas are your most consistent problem. Otherwise, grammar and spelling are good. Near the end "as it did I began to cry" could probably be a stand alone sentence instead of tacked on. (with a comma after did)
The title
I don't know anything about playing Craps or shooting Craps, which will be the case with most readers. Do they yell out Crap? If they do, maybe you could include that in the dialog. It would educate us. I was expecting a piece to complain using crap in the common way, like a milder swear word. I had to think about the title after reading the story and how it might fit. The reader isn't going to have your insight.
All in all, a good story that brings out the empathy for a little boy. It becomes evident that in demanding a boy choose one of his parents as a favorite. the father thinks more of his own need for affirmation than the boy's feelings, and doesn't regard his wife very highly. You paint a lot of emotion here and family drama.
Random review
Quite lovely in the imagery. You bring a newness to the majesty and glory of it all.
It's, I believe, is meant to be the possessive pronoun. If so, omit the apostrophe.
Overall, well done.
Random review--
Details: A few commas were missed. Near the end, when dialogue starts, put a comma after said, and capitalize you. Spelling and grammar look good.
Story: It shows some wisdom in dealing with an unstable person. The protagonist is calm and level headed in a difficult situation. The first few paragraphs are a little repetitive. As a stand alone piece, I couldn't tell the relationship until the very end. Maybe the opening description could indicate it's part of a larger work.
Sister of mercy, you know this poet would be telling this from a cell.
What would I do? I'd get my camera ready and turn on the lights. (I'd want evidence in divorce court.) Then I'd start throwing his clothes out the window, especially a 2nd floor window like in your poem. I wouldn't shoot because I wouldn't spend one night in jail over him. And she could have him. I'm sure I'd be shouting things like "He's all yours". I'd sue her on any grounds possible. And I'd get a new mattress and sheets! He'd have to pay me for that.
You paint a gruesome picture. Lots of tension, action in the heat of the moment. Very vivid. Short poem, big story.
Great subject. Seems like an eternal battle. Poets must continue to plead for peace and life. (I'm fond of all things Irish.)
The second line, "then" should be "than".
Very good job. Keep up the good work.
A good read. I'm sure lots of people have told you "site" should be "sight".
This website doesn't preserve spacing, indentations, etc., when copying here. So you might try some of the cosmetic stuff just to get more people to read.
A very good story.Love at first sight is not that common, but people claim it's real. So it's interesting to hear people talk or write about it.
Looking forward to more. Good start.
Hi,
Definitely dark. This is a random read. Please take the following comments with my good intentions. Just some technical things to clean up.
Symbolizing is misspelled in the the second line.
I'm not sure "bestow" is the word you're looking for in the first line. I had to read it several times to figure out what was being bestowed--couldn't find it.
In the second line and the next to last, "your" should be "you're" or "you are".
I would put a comma in front of "unlike others".
Here's an idea you can reject: Third line from the end mentions friends. A person this despairing and alone wouldn't acknowledge true friends. Maybe "like my would-be friends" would suit your theme. Just a thought.
Your free verse is very good. Keep trying.
est wishes, Pumpkin
It's nice to read something that is cleanly written. No typos, no wrong word usage, good grammar and punctuation. That part is very good.
The dialogue is realistic and easy to follow. Sounds like a teenage girl talking.
I know you're limited by the contest entry. But I feel like I walked into the middle of something, and it ends abruptly for me. Otherwise, a good story.
A random read and review--
Your story telling excels! However, this still needs a lot of editing. I see you just posted today. So you just need to go over it a few times.
There are run-on sentences. Punctuation needs a little attention. There's a few adjectives, like simple, used as an adverb, which would be simply.
"Where ever" or "what ever" are used too frequently. The occasional use adds to the author's tone or sarcasm. However, thrown in too much, they just seem lazy or unsure. I think I caught just one typo.
All it needs is a little cleaning up, and there will be nothing to distract from a very imaginative story.
The story telling part is the gift. You have the gift.
A great story. The theory sounds similar to an actual business book I'm reading.
One technical oversight. One paragraph, starting with "Not for the. . " is not indented.
Pamela,
You have quite a good story here. There are a few typos, I'm assuming you just posted it. Example: "you're" vital organs should be your. Simple things.
Otherwise,a well told tale. Keep it up.
Hi, Just a random review.
Very pleasant reading. It is indeed a different view. I didn't get it at first...I thought it was about a dog, feeling ownership of the house. But I finally caught on before I got to the last part.
There is a category called prose poetry. I guess this qualifies. I'd say so, because it paints a clear picture with few words. Clean writing, no errors.
Be sure you set up a brief bio. And add more items to your portfolio!
Good job.
Pumpkin
Hi,
Spelling, punctuation, grammar, and so forth are good. However, there are a few items in the next to last paragraph. The word "to" was omitted between "begun argue". Also, you could argue that "extensive period of many years" is redundant. I would leave out the word 'many', but you might choose to leave out 'extensive'. Good, clear writing overall. Your form would get an A.
As for the content: you make a number of statements that are not substantiated. You could use footnotes, or insert a comment about where you found your info. That would make it sound more like you were speaking with authority.
This is not new. It is not a beginning argument. There were books back in the sixties about this very topic. If anything, conditions have improved, and better rules are in place for more humane handling. That doesn't invalidate your argument. I'm just making you aware that your point of view has been around for over half a century already.
Keep practicing. You will pick up the polish you desire to sound professional.
Pumpkin
Hello Oldwarrior!
I found your article under genealogy. I am interested in that field as well.
I was in grade school when Kennedy was assassinated, but we had those words drilled into us. They meant something to us. It does seem like we've come a long way away from that thinking.
I appreciate our "warriors" and their sacrifices. They should have the benefits that congress lavishes on themselves. Thank you for your service!
Your article is well-written and clear.
pumpkin
Found your story in the comedy genre.
Funny story.
Cleanly written. not even a typo.
You can tell a lot about the relationships. Carol comes across as resentful, angry, and controlling. Of course, you're limited in character development because of the word limit.
Good story and realistic.
Best wishes,
Pumpkin
I found this in a random review. I'm guessing English is a second language. My overall reaction is good.
The sentence structure and spelling are pretty good. Punctuation is a problem throughout. "dont" should be "don't" for example. Capital letters are missing, but they could be considered typing errors.
The gist of your story, on the other hand, is very appealing. It is easy for the reader to empathize. It's almost a universal reaction. Wouldn't we all like to go back to our youth and do it over with what we know now? You tell a great story. I'm sure a lot of people would feel the same way, or even consider it a wake up call.
I like it. It's simple. It's the truth. It paints a picture.It has a rhythm that a real cowboy might have used in reciting or singing around the campfire or in the bunkhouse.
The only change I'd make: All your lines start with capital letters except the last one. Maybe you'd like to be consistent with that.
Wow, I like.
The love of baseball and poetry--an unusual, but interesting combination.
You show a lot of promise in sports poems. Keep up the attention to detail and to feelings. You may give non-sports fans some insight. (I was expecting it to be boring, but you surprised me.)
Good job.
Very funny. A nice surprise ending.
I thought it reached the "alien" conclusion rather quickly, considering he was a dreamer, who enjoyed fantasies. I would have expected doubt to linger longer,
Otherwise well constructed and interesting.
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