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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jardane
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78 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Wolf's legacy  
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
This story does not flow really well and it's very blocky. I saw so many errors that i don't even want to start listing them. I did see a story in there that I think could be good if write-in write. Read your story aloud and fix the glaring errors and there need to be a line break after each sentence and every time you change speakers.

If you want more details ask.

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#1300305 by Maryann
2
2
Review of Emelie  
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I know this is an odd thing to start with but writing a short story that is exactly 1000 words is very impressive. This was very written, I love the story and how it flows. It's nice to show that we are not always who we use to be and we have the ability to rise above and grow up.

I would love to know more about this story and more about this world.

Very nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann
3
3
Review of Rainbows  
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This was really good, I love the word usage and how it flows. I am no expert, but I would add a line break between verses. That is just my personal preference. I like the line "Humanity shows unmistakable passion" it's very well worded.

I think you show real talent and i hope you keep writing.

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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann
4
4
Review of Inner Demons  
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This was kind of dark and creepy and I can't exactly say I liked it, but I can't say it was badly written. I know what it's like to feel like you have demons inside and I have dealt with myself and I have no demons left.

This might help someone else but it was just not for me, but it was well written.

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#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of Late AGAIN!  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a very funny short story, i always thought it would be funny when people literally hover over your shoulder. There are some couples that are just like this and i would imagine they would he the same in death as in life. I could've used some help with who said what when death joined the story but other than that i loved it.

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Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann
6
6
Review of August Highlights  
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really enjoyed the flow and the imagery used in this poem. It was uplifting and i felt all warm and fuzzy inside when i read it. I wish sometimes that i could write like this but it's not something i am really good at. But maybe like it says in this poem i need to choose to believe in my self.

GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Four time Quill winner!
#1300305 by Maryann


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (2.0)
I joined the group but i have not seen any benefit from it, my items are still not getting reviewed and i have not seen any extra GP come my way because i review using the affiliate drop down.
8
8
Review of The Artists  
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Try to limit your use of "was" and "is" when your story is told in present tense. Was and is are passive. They throw your reader out of your story, put them in their easy chair, outside the drama and trauma.

You might have to many gerund's in your writing and it can make you look like a bad writer. A gerund is a verb that ends in -ing and functions as a noun. Too many gerunds make your writing passive. You take a wonderful verb, attach it to the passive is or was and water down the energy of your action.

One good thing to keep in mind with a story like this it's good to keep in mind the view of the character. When you write a description, do it through the eyes of your POV character. Notice what s/he would notice. Describe the car/street/building/etc. as s/he would see it, and only with what s/he would know. If s/he doesn't know about the engine, leave it out no matter how fascinating the spark plugs are. If you must get that detail in, s/he can run into someone who chats about it. Now, s/he has that knowledge to share, or use.

Hope these tips help!
9
9
Review by Ben Crawford
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A few tips for your writing

Try to limit your use of "was" and "is" when your story is told in present tense. Was and is are passive. They throw your reader out of your story, put them in their easy chair, outside the drama and trauma.

You might have to many gerund's in your writing and it can make you look like a bad writer. A gerund is a verb that ends in -ing and functions as a noun. Too many gerunds make your writing passive. You take a wonderful verb, attach it to the passive is or was and water down the energy of your action.

One good thing to keep in mind with a story like this it's good to keep in mind the view of the character. When you write a description, do it through the eyes of your POV character. Notice what s/he would notice. Describe the car/street/building/etc. as s/he would see it, and only with what s/he would know. If s/he doesn't know about the engine, leave it out no matter how fascinating the spark plugs are. If you must get that detail in, s/he can run into someone who chats about it. Now, s/he has that knowledge to share, or use.

Good luck!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very nice little story, i always love watching antique shows and picking shows and seeing the kinds of things that people find in the oddest places. I think this could be formatted better and have better line breaks but that is just a minor thing.

Well done!
11
11
Review of Blueberry Pickin'  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a very interesting story the ending was a little sad but all in and all it was a very good story. I thought the characters were believable and the dialog flowed very nicely. I don't know if you have actually been blueberry picking but it is very boring.
12
12
Review of Metamorphous  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This was very interesting, i think the rhyming was very good and flowed very well. I am not the best at writing or reviewing poetry i just know what i like and i like this. Keep writing because i think you are very talented and you can do what i can't and i respect that.
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Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I think this is very well done, I always liked Jane Austen and i can see touches her in this piece. The dialog is rather nice and it flows rather well, i am still trying to get good at writing believable dialog.

Keep up the good work because i really liked this!
14
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Review of It's Halloween!  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (4.0)
Fantastic poem, i really like the imagery you used and the the rhyming scheme you uses was fun! I don't think halloween is just for kids, us adults like to dress up too and who doesn't like candy.

You are rather talented, i must just have to look up your other works.
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Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
It's really hard to deal with death i agree, my grandmother died a little while ago and it was hard on my whole family. This was very well written, it as a bit long for me but i admire your ability to talk about a hard subject and do it so well, keep writing because you are rather good!
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Review of Galgion's Quest  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (3.0)
I liked this but there were a few things that bugged me a little, you uses the phrase "like a ___" a lot to describe things it appears like three times within the first couple of paragraphs. The writing is a little sloppy in areas but in others it gets quite good. I may not be the best at punctuation but there were many times where you uses a period when it should have been a comma.

All in all not bad but could use some work.
17
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Review of Chastity  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Is this naruto fan fiction? I really love Naruto and i think this is written very well and as a fan fiction its written really well. It just seems like most people who write fan fiction are horrible writers, ever heart of "my immortal" it's said to be the worst fanfiction ever made.

Nice job!
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Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (4.0)
This had great imagery and was worded beautifully, i had a grandmother who spend the last months of her life in hospice and i feel like the whole time she was running from death so this poem spoke to me.

You are very talented and i hope you keep writing!
19
19
Review of Dear Me  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (4.0)
I always thought about writing a letter to my self on new years but i never do, this year i did just about everything i would have resolved to do because this year was very good to me. This was written very well and had a great flow and was worded very well.
20
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Review of Silent Shadow  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this free verse poem, it has some great imagery and very lovely words. I feel like free verse poems can be either rather good or totally horrible because the write sets the rules and not may follow the rules they set. This is wonderful and i am happy i read it!
21
21
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting story, i have no idea whats going on in the story but i really liked the imagery. I kind of want to go back and read the rest and maybe i will understand what's going on. I think it's rather good and interesting, keep writing because i think its good.
22
22
Review of It Ain't Right  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This a very cute story, i love the relationship between the man and the dog. It was so sad for the baby monkey and i felt bad for it and it's sad that people get pets like that and don't take care of them. It's a bit of a downer story to be honest but well written.
23
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Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
You are rather good at writing, i am still working on putting more description to my writing and i can tell that you are much better at it than me. The subject matter is a little odd to be reading but i can see the skill in this. Keep writing because you are good at it!
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Review of a life in between  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: E | (3.0)
I have seen a lot of your poems on here and they all seem to be really good, you rime very well and have beautiful imagery. I am not very good at writing poems and i wish i was because it must be nice to make something so beautiful.

Keep writing because you are great!
25
25
Review of Vanessa  
Review by Ben Crawford
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Not sure how to review a letter but it seems well written as far as i can tell. I am not very good at writing formal letters like this so i have to give props to you for doing to so well. Maybe it's not a real letter and i am just being thick headed... that is very likely.
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