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476
476
Review of Promise Me  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: These lyrics have a very sweet message that would make a good, sad sort of, song. I couldn't help but wonder if you've tried to sing it as some of the rhythm seems a bit uneven.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ Except your in love with a person'
Suggest: Except you're in love with a person

In this line, ‘ Show it right from your heart baby'
Suggest: Show it right from your heart, baby

In this line, ‘ When your close to me.'
Suggest: When you're close to me.

In this line, ‘ Show it right from your heart baby'
Suggest: Show it right from your heart, baby


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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477
477
Review of Heaven On Earth  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This feels to me like a piece with some deep desire for absolute peace. It is expressed very nicely. Unfortunately, it seems most of us make the wrong decision most of the time.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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478
478
Review of Don't Worry Mom  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very nice little piece that contains some, what feel to me like, very deep feelings.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Don't worry Mom, '
Suggest: Don't worry, Mom,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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479
479
Review of Illusions  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a delightful story where I loved your twist. There is so much truth underlying it all.

Characters: You have done a good job of "setting up" your main character so that the reader doesn't have any idea what to expect.

Dialog: The minimal dialog utilized seems realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ "Yeah. It was just a weird looking cockroach," '
Suggest: "Yeah. It was just a weird-looking cockroach,"


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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480
480
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Romance/Love Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good beginning chapter that raises interest in this, shall we say, unusual couple and hope that they can "work it out".

Characters: You have done a good job portraying your two main characters and shown the little bursts of ego that prevent them from being totally honest with each other.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ “Hello asshole,” she said instead.'
Suggest: “Hello, asshole,” she said instead.

In this phrase, ‘ to reduce her to a whinging weeping moron.'
Suggest: to reduce her to a whining weeping moron.

In this sentence, ‘ “Sure. I’d be flattered to,” Kate mumbled.'
Suggest: “Sure. I’d be flattered too,” Kate mumbled.

In this phrase, ‘ a grin that spanned the entire length of her face.'
Suggest: a grin that spanned the entire width of her face.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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481
481
Review of Michael  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: Wow! This is some story! This boy certainly has some kind of powers, but one wonders what force is driving him.

Characters: You did a good job of defining Michael, yet I had difficulty in comprehending his motivation.

Dialog: Little dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ subnormal dialogue of the afternoons’ idiocy '
Suggest: subnormal dialogue of the afternoon’s idiocy


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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482
482
Review of The Candle  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a truly chilling story that grabs the reader and drags him/her along until the very end.

Favorite Part: I loved the part where Dave was debating about taking the candle. I kept yelling in my mind, "No, no, no!"

Characters: You did an excellent job of portraying Dave so that we could feel right along with him.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Between these two sentences, ' You’re a piece of work.”
"You bought me a new Dodge piece of crap," ', there should be a new paragraph.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Dave ran his fingers over the little ivory globules had leaked down its side '
Suggest: Dave ran his fingers over the little ivory globules that had leaked down its side

In this phrase, ‘ Weather-proofing, Jake thought. That’ll seal it in there.'
Suggest: The thoughts should be in italics and I believe this is the wrong name - either Dave or Jack.

In this phrase, ‘ Folson’s kid just got back form Iraq. '
Suggest: Folson’s kid just got back from Iraq.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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483
483
Review of Through Her Eyes  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the For Authors Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting piece of your daughter's many travels. I can only imagine the worry so often occurring.

Format: Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Common nouns should not be capitalized.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and right after High School '
Suggest: and right after high school

In this phrase, ‘ She spent 5 years at Sheppard Air Force base'
Suggest: She spent five years at Sheppard Air Force base

In this phrase, ‘ a 1000 year old castle which was turned into dormitories.'
Suggest: a 1000-year-old castle which was turned into dormitories.

In this phrase, ‘ She went on a camping/Hiking trip'
Suggest: She went on a camping/hiking trip

In this phrase, ‘ reach her for more then a week to know '
Suggest: reach her for more than a week to know

In this phrase, ‘ devastating to see and I cant imagine being there '
Suggest: devastating to see and I can't imagine being there


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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484
484
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the For Authors Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very enthusiastic little piece where you've given some wonderful description of the scenery.

Characters: Your characters are nicely pictured.

Dialog: No dialog, per se, is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ an astronaut, a spider, a parot.'
Suggest: an astronaut, a spider, a parrot.

In this phrase, ‘ Career down the runway. Turn around. Career back,'
Suggest: Careen down the runway. Turn around. Careen back,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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485
485
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very sad story. I did wonder if a Private would be in charge of a group of men, seems it would be a corporal or a sergeant.

Characters: Your main character is well defined and we feel his pain and disgust with him.

Dialog: Little dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ “At ease solider,” he says sternly,'
Suggest: “At ease, solider,” he says sternly,

In this phrase, ‘ I hear a chorus of “Yes sir” from the men'
Suggest: I hear a chorus of “Yes, sir!” from the men

In this phrase, ‘ wash of the memories have so significance here now.'
Suggest: wash of the memories have no significance here now.

In this sentence, ‘ I pull my gun to my head and pull the trigger.'
Suggest: I put my gun to my head and pull the trigger.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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486
486
Review of Visit to the city  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good story where we can really relate to Jane and her trying to cope.

Characters: You've done a good job of portraying your main character and allowing the reader to "walk a mile" in her shoes.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ and the hotted-up cars revving at the lights, '
Suggest: and the hopped-up cars revving at the lights,

In this phrase, ‘ who looked so much like her school friend Lucy.'
Suggest: who looked so much like her school friend, Lucy.

In this phrase, ‘ Mum, lets get you inside. '
Suggest: Mum, let's get you inside.



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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487
487
Review of Flashback  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good beginning that certainly grabs reader interest in what is to come.

Characters: You have just begun to define your characters, but so far it is going nicely.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic and natural under the circumstances.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Come on Cassidy hang in there!” '
Suggest: Come on, Cassidy, hang in there!”


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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488
488
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good story where we get to know a very troubled girl.

Characters: You do a good job of showing Sunni and how she grasped at whatever happiness life happened to offer.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ she could feel the pain eluding.'
Suggest: she could feel the pain receding.

In this phrase, ‘ tattered, Morelos, Mexico motel.
Suggest: tattered Morelos, Mexico motel.

In this phrase, ‘ the refined university and wealthy scholar s and indulge
Suggest: the refined university and wealthy scholars and indulge

In this phrase, ‘ her hand against the flushed of his tawny cheek'
Suggest: her hand against the flush of his tawny cheek

In this phrase, ‘ At 7, he finally agreed to leave '
Suggest: When she was seven, he finally agreed to leave

In this phrase, ‘ She placed his fedora on her hat '
Suggest: She placed his fedora on her head

In this phrase, ‘ No-one had ever gotten her,'
Suggest: No one had ever gotten her,

In this phrase, ‘ She sat neck to him '
Suggest: She sat next to him


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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489
489
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful story to which I can totally relate.

Characters: You do a good job of showing John to the reader, along with his strengths and weaknesses.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized in this narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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490
490
Review of "Shot Down"  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 12 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an interesting story where you have the opportunity to make it much more "action packed".

Characters: We learn quite a bit about your main character, however, I don't feel his emotions right along with him.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Suggest eliminating the words "Flash Back:". This can be better indicated by a transitioning sentence, which your 'My life flashes before my eyes.' serves and an extra line.

Be careful of repeating phrases and/or sentences, i.e. "soaring toward earth" and the word "flash".

Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation: In the punctuation, a comma should have one space after it before the next word and a period should be followed by two spaces before the beginning of the next sentence.

Watch the usage of "too" instead of "to".

Common nouns shouldn't be capitalized.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ It took me a few minuted to get to my target.'
Suggest: It took me a few minutes to get to my target.

In this sentences, ‘ I flash too my childhood.I was 5 years old.'
Suggest: Eliminating the first sentence and beginning with the second.

In this phrase, ‘ length of the church from the Alter.'
Suggest: length of the church from the altar.

In this phrase, ‘ We were dressed out of the house and in the car'
Suggest: We were dressed, out of the house and in the car

In this phrase, ‘ back yard of my white colonial style home.'
Suggest: backyard of my white colonial-style home.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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491
491
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a terrifically amusing piece where I can just picture these elderly men really going at it, in fierce competition to win the game.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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492
492
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, Jaye here. I'm reviewing this piece at your request.

General Impressions: This is a very nice story although I did get a bit confused at times with so many different characters of which to keep track.

Characters: You have done a good job of getting across Perdita's thoughts and feelings.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic.

Format: You seem to switch viewpoints back and forth between Perdita and Rodrigo. A short story should be in only one viewpoint; if a novel, it should change between chapters, if at all.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Osgood had been a high school history teacher,'
Suggest: Osgood had been a high-school history teacher,

In this phrase, ‘ She was the best dressed woman in the place,'
Suggest: She was the best-dressed woman in the place,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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493
493
Review of Jonquil in Spring  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a terrific short story that grabbed my attention right away and carried it along to the very end.

Characters: You've done a good job of showing the ranch hands and their personalities.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic and entirely believable for these characters.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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494
494
Review of The Cure  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very good, though a bit horrifying, story that grabs the reader and drags him/her along with the tale.

Characters: Your main character is well-defined and we can feel his anxiety as he searches, seemingly in vain.

Dialog: Dialog is minimal but seems realistic.

Format: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I decided to try her Mrs. Crowe again'
Suggest: I decided to try Mrs. Crowe again

In this phrase, ‘ “Lady continue search.” '
Suggest: “Lady, continue search.”

In this phrase, ‘ CURE FOR BOVINE-FLU FAILS '
Suggest: This was previously noted as "swine-flu".

In this phrase, ‘ You mother lead me to believe '
Suggest: Your mother led me to believe

In this phrase, ‘ Your putting your life endanger '
Suggest: You're putting your life endanger


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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495
495
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very moving story that brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Well done.

Characters: You did a good job of showing us Pam through Gwen's eyes and really making us feel for her.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ dimples and a heart shaped face.'
Suggest: dimples and a heart-shaped face.

In this phrase, ‘ through and famiy had joined in.'
Suggest: through and family had joined in.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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496
496
Review of Train of Thought  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very sad story of what is I'm sure, the one act a woman could never forget. Good job.

Characters: You have made Ellie totally believable and done nicely at showing her "delusions".

Dialog: Dialog is sparse but seems natural.

Format: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ a bowl of hot soup at the all night diner '
Suggest: a bowl of hot soup at the all-night diner

In this phrase, ‘ left behind by rush hour commuters.'
Suggest: left behind by rush-hour commuters.

In this phrase, ‘ she peered inside. "Ohmygod!" '
Suggest: she peered inside. "Oh my god!"


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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497
497
Review of Life begins  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a terrific poem where there is obvious adoration in every line. Well done.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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498
498
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is certainly a hypnotic spell you weave here with the colors and the feelings. Without the description, I would never have guessed. Nicely done.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ trapping me within they're pressure and significance,'
Suggest: trapping me within their pressure and significance,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


** Image ID #1518002 Unavailable **

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499
499
Review of Time's Up  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a great story where your prologue really adds to it. Suggest you switch it around and use it as a permanent addition.

Characters: You have done a good job with your main character and getting us to feel her frustration at the phone, later, and at the clerk.

Dialog: Dialog is very natural and totally realistic.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative

Grammar & Punctuation: These were in the Prologue:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ With an angry pout, a shoved the phone '
Suggest: With an angry pout, I shoved the phone

In this phrase, ‘ There’s a cell phone dealership that’s within walking distance'
Suggest: There’s a cell phone dealership within walking distance

In this phrase, ‘ Majority of my time'
Suggest: The majority of my time

In this phrase, ‘ this new phone comes to no cost to you'
Suggest: this new phone comes at no cost to you


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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500
500
Review of Threshold  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an absolutely fascinating story. I just loved it!

Characters: You did a very good job of creating Russell and allowing us to envision both his "before" and "after".

Dialog: What little dialog used sounds believable.

Plot: You did a terrific job with the plot, slowly building it with happenings increasingly harder to avoid or ignore.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ the city as it passed by through the window.'
Suggest: the city as it passed by outside the window.

In this phrase, ‘ The new comer looked around '
Suggest: The newcomer looked around

In this phrase, ‘ With a tip of his ever present cowboy hat,'
Suggest: With a tip of his ever-present cowboy hat,

In this phrase, ‘ a diamond shaped birthmark about half an inch across.'
Suggest: a diamond-shaped birthmark about half-an-inch across.

In this phrase, ‘ the lights flickers and then went out completely.'
Suggest: the lights flickered and then went out completely.

In this sentence, ‘ Something change. '
Suggest: Something changed.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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